Male performative cooking, it’s a thing isn’t it?

[Beeth0ven]

Characterised by:

Weekly cadence
Complex recipes (often involving trips to specialist shops to source)
While day needed (or substantial park of the day) to cook
Low engagement with wider family during process
No expectation of clearing up afterwards, despite WILD amount of mess

Has anyone else observed this? Has it been widely discussed on here?

@Ilovemaisie

I must live in a parallel universe. My husband just cooks normal food purchased from a normal shop (Iceland or Aldi mostly). He sticks it in the oven, sets the timer and then finds something else to do. My dad did the same in the 80s.

This. I can't relate to these posts at all. Sounds infuriating though.

My husband cooks better curries than me so that's his domain. Otherwise I cook because I enjoy it and despise washing up. He washes up after breakfast lunch and dinner. And if he's cooking a curry then I wash up. Bloody hate doing the dishes.

Kitchen is always clean and dinners are simple enough. I make a lot of use of the slow cooker. He definitely gets the bum chore. Cooking is much easier than washing up disgusting dishes and pots. Unless you make it difficult for yourself and some of these men seem to want to make it as difficult as possible.

Now, DH is and isn’t. He does almost all our cooking, including weeknight slog and catering for fussy kids etc. And he’s a very good cook who also tidies, multitasks etc. BUT he also uses cooking as a relaxation thing, which I don’t mind except that it means we eat grown up dinner at 9pm at night and basically don’t have time together till then as he is cooking/we’re putting kids to bed etc. We eat very well, fairly elaborate meals, but I’d quite often be happy with mushrooms on toast and an evening together.

I feel though I have turned into that performative wanker. I made my own dinner last night as he was out, and sent him a photo of it!

I am also reminded of my BiL who decided, on holiday in SW France surrounded by regional farm produce, that he would cook us all a seafood risotto. Shopping for it took all morning as we had to visit (he had no car so we took him) several supermarkets to find the exact variety of seafood in the recipe (squid and razor clams NOT being a regional delicacy of the Perigord), following by a whole afternoon of him faffing about how to prepare it all - MiL had to explain that the plastic packaging was in fact squid cartilage and remove it for him - and finally the preparation. When finished and served as a late dinner, it tasted like OK seafood risotto, of the sort made of pre-frozen ingredients!

Grinding pepper with the pepper mill at an angle and wearing a look of intense concentration is the hallmark of a kitchen wanker.

@Ilovemaisie

I must live in a parallel universe. My husband just cooks normal food purchased from a normal shop (Iceland or Aldi mostly). He sticks it in the oven, sets the timer and then finds something else to do. My dad did the same in the 80s.

Same here. Ditto the crap mother's day presents, deliberate incompetence, 'helping' with the kids, manflu, drunk men pissing outside the toilet, men who eat like pigs in a trough, etc. Nope, the only performances that go on here were the kids putting on shows when they were younger.

Dh is one unfortunately it's not his only bad personality trait. He thinks he's Jamie Oliver, I just silently cringe every time he says he's making dinner.
He's just bought himself a pasta maker which he can't use properly although ds 7 can make superb pasta with it which makes me chuckle. He has to use every spice known to mankind and every meal he has to add chili to it.
He wants every meal made from scratch (no chance) and turns his nose up at most things I make. He can't just make plain food it does my head in. Oh and the mess is horrendous. I told his mum once about him having to use every utensil in the house and she didn't believe me until he cooked her a roast dinner round her house.
Now I'm all for someone cooking and making an effort but when he does cook he doesn't actually take into account what. Anyone actually likes either.

It's the ceremony of, after all of the above, eventually sitting down to eat the meal and the expectation of a complimentary comment with every mouthful. Painful.

@Iseeyoulookingatme

Dh is one unfortunately it's not his only bad personality trait. He thinks he's Jamie Oliver, I just silently cringe every time he says he's making dinner. He's just bought himself a pasta maker which he can't use properly although ds 7 can make superb pasta with it which makes me chuckle. He has to use every spice known to mankind and every meal he has to add chili to it. He wants every meal made from scratch (no chance) and turns his nose up at most things I make. He can't just make plain food it does my head in. Oh and the mess is horrendous. I told his mum once about him having to use every utensil in the house and she didn't believe me until he cooked her a roast dinner round her house. Now I'm all for someone cooking and making an effort but when he does cook he doesn't actually take into account what. Anyone actually likes either.

Surprise, surprise it's not his only bad personality trait.

He can't just make plain food it does my head in.

A million percent this.

How about a nice, simple egg on toast?

@Reallybadidea

Grinding pepper with the pepper mill at an angle and wearing a look of intense concentration is the hallmark of a kitchen wanker.

Or, taking peppercorns out of the grinder to throw some, whole, into the sauce and crush some others with a pestle and mortar

It just takes FOREVER... A curry or spag bol MUST be allowed to cook for a good couple of hours.

Also this!!!

Apparently the flavours must be allowed to “meld”, which I’m not even sure is the right word!!

😂

Oh hell no to that! That might push me over the edge!

@Reallybadidea and bending his knees. Why does he have to bend his knees!!!

Apparently the flavours must be allowed to “meld”, which I’m not even sure is the right word!!

Translation- I've started it u can finish it off

As my DH huffs and puffs his way round e kitchen as I type. I hear you, I really do.

He has just announced that he isn’t hungry so he won’t be eating the 6 hour slow cooked lamb with us later, he will go to bed.

What a catch.

Love this thread! Also love the terms "male performance cooking" and "kitchen wking"!
DH is a pretty good cook and whilst he does tend to choose more complicated recipes instead of the more straightforward option, he doesn't bang on about it too much and always tidies up afterwards.
I do know a few men who are definitely MPC's or KW's...They just love to post photos of their cooking efforts on Instagram to seek approval and applause from all their friends/followers. One final act of wkery is that they like to add caption including the full recipe title e.g. ottolenghi baked eggs with saffron and smoked tea leaf drizzle
Just make the bloody dinner.

[quote MirandaMarple]@Reallybadidea and bending his knees. Why does he have to bend his knees!!![/quote]
Oh god, yes. And the flourish at the end 🙄

Not always. My DF could cook a meal quicker and with less fuss than anyone I've ever met. He did the bulk of the cooking at home when I was a child. But then he'd been a cook in the Navy.....

Yes! The specialist shops!
Also, the last minute dash to buy a missing ingredient, even if it takes 3 different shops. Once, he walked to the local shop and it wasn't in stock so he drove to the nearest supermarket who didn't have it stock either. So I onto the next one!
If i don't have an ingredient, I just substitute it

Oh dear....I’ve realised I’m the man in this equation.

I don’t cook. Dh does all the cooking

When I cook, I use all the utensils, make a fuss that it tastes good and then dh has to clean up cos I cooked

Tbf, he prefers to clean anyway as he doesn’t think I do a good enough job of it

The ultimate kitchenwanking?

Instagram post, with caption including full recipe title

Mike drop.

Beethoven I kid you not. Ultimate kitchenw**king indeed

Mine is an excellent cook, but deadlines are not his forte. (Also check off the posh knives (Japanese), prep bowls and kitchen tsunami post cooking.)

In the olden days, when we could meet people, my brother and SIL were staying for a Sunday BBQ before a 100 mile drive home. Don't do the full monty, I suggested, just a burger.

At which point the chopping of prime steak begins, the sealing of onions in little pouches of vinegar to pickle them, the triple cooking of the home made chips (par boil, freeze to dry, first fry till pale golden, freeze to dry, final deep fry), the blitzing of the home-made tomato sauce. He didn't make the burger buns, though I have no idea why. We finally ate lunch at 4pm and I had sunk the best part of a bottle of fizz (so not all bad).

Currently the obsession is sourdough. He spends all week making it, while I cook all the dinners.

I’m not allowed to use dh’s knives either! Apparently I blunt them too easily

Just remembered, a very long time ago exdh was cooking dinner, his Mum rang (land line) and asked a very simple question such as 'are you coming for dinner on Sunday?' I relayed the question to him and he replied 'I can't answer questions now, I am making a roux'

What about salt sprinkled from a pointlessly high angle? Sometimes a tea towel is even used as s bandana!