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Original poster

To find that DP niceness is becoming insufferable.

100 replies

Bubblyliquid · 14/03/2021 09:26

Just in advance I’d like to apologise for if this post is a mess as my phone is nearly giving up the ghost and fades in and out at certain parts of the screen.

My DP is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Always going out of his way to do nice things for me and I’m sure they’ll be a lot of people telling me to suck it up

Here’s a few examples:
I would have got home from work and he’s ran me a bubble bath. This happens quite regularly, sometimes the would have been driving home planning on doing a few things before ‘settling in’ for the night.

  • he sometimes brings me in a drink at the weekend but in the process he wakes me up ruining any form of a lay in and waking up naturally.
  • same with breakfast sometimes at the weekend . I’m not sure how much I’ve hinted to him that I don’t like eating as soon as I wake up - I never eat breakfast before work etc.
  • the other day we were planning on ordering takeaway that night. 5 0’clock comes around and I mention about ordering. He says that he’s taken care of it and it will be coming for 7. He’d ordered more than what we’d usually order and lots of things I’d usually like but nothing I was actually fancying that day.

I know it’s really petty and I should count my lucky stars that I have someone who tries at leas t three times a day to do nice things for me. If I hint with any from of criticism or if I act anything than beyond grateful he acts like a wounded puppy.

OP posts:
CausingChaos2 · 14/03/2021 09:27

Yanbu. He may be trying to be kind but you are your own person, and his communication sounds poor.

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 14/03/2021 09:28

That would annoy me too.

You should drop hints to him that you need a new phone though, just to test how nice he really is.

WhoAreYah · 14/03/2021 09:29

Is your concern that he is too nice or that he is too controlling of your time and life in general?

SnarkyBag · 14/03/2021 09:29

The waking you up and choosing your take away would drive me bonkers. Actually it all feels a bit suffocating

EggysMom · 14/03/2021 09:30

Other than the wounded puppy look (he'll grow out of that if you stop reacting) is there any other reaction?

Do you think he's doing this out of generosity (a good conversation can help) or is it early signs of control - does he use the wounded puppy look to stop you talking to friends, or doing something on your own?

NoGoodPunsLeft · 14/03/2021 09:31

How would he react if you actually told him instead of dropping hints?

If you are worried about his reaction it seems less nice & more controlling

fabulousspider · 14/03/2021 09:32

It does sound suffocating and a bit controlling. Even a bit weird - ordering food on your behalf (a bit 1950s?!).

pinkyredrose · 14/03/2021 09:32

Hints aren't working, you need to tell him straight not to anticipate what he thinks you'll like and ask you. It feels quite controlling to have someone running your life for you, I've been there, it felt like I wasn't allowed to make my own choices.

Lamentations · 14/03/2021 09:32

YANBU how suffocating. Sit him down and tell him to stop. If he carries on he's being controlling and not nice.

whateverhappenstomorrow · 14/03/2021 09:33

What every one else says, is this obliviousness or control?

You say you 'hint' you don't like this. Why do you hint? What would happen if you said directly, 'I don't like you waking me up. I don't like eating when I wake up. I don't like you choosing my food for me. Please stop. I would like it if you....'

Asterales · 14/03/2021 09:34

He's "trying to be kind" but he's not trying to be kind to you. That's the problem. He obviously has a set idea of what a kind gesture looks like and doesn't factor you as an individual in before going ahead and applying it. It could be benign, it could be symptomatic of a deeper problem. Dont hint about not eating as soon as you wake up, or about anything else. Tell him.

OhCaptain · 14/03/2021 09:34

That doesn’t sound nice. It sounds controlling and a bit creepy.

Or nice in the way that Nice Guys are nice.🤮

WaterBottle123 · 14/03/2021 09:34

He choose your takeaway?!?! I would be gutted not being able to choose my own

Moltenpink · 14/03/2021 09:35

He doesn’t sound like he views you as an equal, that would be a big turn off for me.

fuckityfuckitffs · 14/03/2021 09:37

He sounds bloody controlling, not nice.

Mucklemore · 14/03/2021 09:39

Hmm, is there an undercurrent here? The things he are doing could be a way of controlling your actions - oh look your home, up into the bath for you - I've brought you a cup of tea, oh your up now - takeaway, lots of food I fancied.

It feels manipulative to me, but in a way that he can pass off as being super nice. None of these things are really putting him out but he is controlling the outcome.

Trisolaris · 14/03/2021 09:39

Yeah, this all sounds weird and not nice to me either. Arranging the occasional date night as a surprise is nice. Controlling your partners activities regularly, whether well intended or not is not ok.

whateverhappenstomorrow · 14/03/2021 09:43

@Asterales

He's "trying to be kind" but he's not trying to be kind to you. That's the problem. He obviously has a set idea of what a kind gesture looks like and doesn't factor you as an individual in before going ahead and applying it. It could be benign, it could be symptomatic of a deeper problem. Dont hint about not eating as soon as you wake up, or about anything else. Tell him.
This is very perceptive. My Ex H was like this. It took me a very long time to realise this. You cannot be in a relationship with someone who essentially cannot see you. Watch out for this OP.
Sleepingdogs12 · 14/03/2021 09:46

It sounds smothering and I would wonder why he feels a need to do it and is so preoccupied with your routines. It does suggest control issues to me. I would be wary.

rainbowstardrops · 14/03/2021 09:51

It sounds suffocating. At the beginning of a relationship it might be quite nice and you'd see that he was trying to do nice things but if he's continuing to do things that you've told him that you don't like then that's controlling surely?

Fallsballs · 14/03/2021 09:59

You need to tell him as an adult you can choose your own food, decide when you want a bath etc. If it’s not him being controlling it will be a non issue.

DeciduousPerennial · 14/03/2021 09:59

How smothering.

It sounds like he gets more out of these gestures of kindness than you do, tbh.

hannayeah · 14/03/2021 10:03

This would all drive me nuts. It’s not nice if you don’t like it!

I’d be ok with the ok with him ordering food but not delighted.

It might help to take this test together then share and discuss your outcomes. You can do this without mentioning all the “nice” stuff he thinks he’s doing is having the opposite effect.

www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/couples-quiz/

Keepyourdistance000 · 14/03/2021 10:06

What else does he do which is nice? Is he a generous person anyway?

ParadiseIsland · 14/03/2021 10:07

I would find it controlling

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