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Original poster

To find that DP niceness is becoming insufferable.

100 replies

Bubblyliquid · 14/03/2021 09:26

Just in advance I’d like to apologise for if this post is a mess as my phone is nearly giving up the ghost and fades in and out at certain parts of the screen.

My DP is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Always going out of his way to do nice things for me and I’m sure they’ll be a lot of people telling me to suck it up

Here’s a few examples:
I would have got home from work and he’s ran me a bubble bath. This happens quite regularly, sometimes the would have been driving home planning on doing a few things before ‘settling in’ for the night.

  • he sometimes brings me in a drink at the weekend but in the process he wakes me up ruining any form of a lay in and waking up naturally.
  • same with breakfast sometimes at the weekend . I’m not sure how much I’ve hinted to him that I don’t like eating as soon as I wake up - I never eat breakfast before work etc.
  • the other day we were planning on ordering takeaway that night. 5 0’clock comes around and I mention about ordering. He says that he’s taken care of it and it will be coming for 7. He’d ordered more than what we’d usually order and lots of things I’d usually like but nothing I was actually fancying that day.

I know it’s really petty and I should count my lucky stars that I have someone who tries at leas t three times a day to do nice things for me. If I hint with any from of criticism or if I act anything than beyond grateful he acts like a wounded puppy.

OP posts:
takethedeviledeggs · 14/03/2021 11:29

@FluffyHippo

Perhaps he should just screw around on you, not work, take shitloads of drugs or booze and steal your money instead? Like so many partners mentioned on this site? Oh, and for good measure, he can be abusive to you, gaslight you and destroy your self-respect as well.

Jesus, men just can't win, can they? He sounds like a nice guy who's trying too hard. But according to you lot, he's a total creep who's controlling and manipulative.

Be thankful for what you have - you may not have it one day if you carry on with this critical mindset.

Fuck right off with this bullshit. We don't have to be grateful for what we get just because we're not being cheated on or beaten. Jesus!

It sounds suffocating and actually quite controlling. I really hate choice being taken away from me. I'm an adult and I can choose kg

takethedeviledeggs · 14/03/2021 11:30

FFS I hate not being able to edit!
Continued... I can choose my own food, decide when to have a bath etc
I know some people find this stuff romantic but I can't stand it.

DenisetheMenace · 14/03/2021 11:31

Why don’t you just tell him to stop it?

takethedeviledeggs · 14/03/2021 11:32

@Bubblyliquid just tell him. Be honest and clear that you want to be in control of your own life including when and what you eat etc

His reaction to this and whether he listens and makes changes will tell you everything you need to know about him and his motives.

Tal45 · 14/03/2021 11:35

It sounds smothering, I don't think anyone would like someone taking over that much.

BlingLoving · 14/03/2021 11:42

Well, at best, he's more interested in being able to say, "but I do nice, considerate things all the time, look how great I am". At worst, he's a controlling dickwad.

I don't think hinting is the way forward here. The key is to see how he reacts to you being clear, but polite, that you don't like certain things. and if his reaction is bad, that's a very bad sign. Eg, before bed, you say, "I'm exhausted so going to have a really long lie in. Please don't wake me up when you get up and don't worry about bringing me coffee, I'll make some when I wake up." And see what happens. A genuinely kind person would then spend the following morning doing everything in their power to ensure that they do not disturb you. A controlling wanker will either wake you up "by mistake", bring you coffee anyway, "I forgot." or "I just wanted to do something nice." or will sulk when you suggest this and take it as a huge criticism of previous times when he has brought you a drink.

The problem with all these little incidents is that individually they're not really a ig deal. It's when it becomes part of a pattern in which you feel that you don't have control and tha tif you are not suitably grateful you will be punished.

FluffyHippo · 14/03/2021 11:45

@pinkyredrose

FluffyHippo do you often have problems with comprehension? Can you not tell the difference between a kind gesture and taking over?
Don't patronise me - it makes you look insufferably smug and condescending.

And as for problems with comprehension, my DPhil was in the linguistic creative expression of diagnosed profound mental illness - so what do you think?

grapewine · 14/03/2021 11:45

This reply has been deleted

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dottiedodah · 14/03/2021 11:45

Why not say something like "look John,its very kind of you ,but I really need to do a few jobs at home ,eat and relax before my bath.If he looks hurt, then just say Would you want me to tell you when to have a Shower or order Takeout without any input from me? I think he may be a bit put out or just think you have a fair point .

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/03/2021 11:45

That sounds like the classic being nice at you, a performance, self gratification. It's not being nice to you, you are not the audience he is aiming for.

And that is controlling, the puppy eyes telling you he has a really good defence set up.

Think about how hesitant you felt posting about it. That's what the puppy eyes are designed to do.

Now you seen it what do you want to do?

dottiedodah · 14/03/2021 11:46

But then think you have a point I mean!

whateverhappenstomorrow · 14/03/2021 11:49

Jesus, men just can't win, can they?

Yes they can. Its actually really easy. All you need to do is treat women as full human beings, fully equal to you and with agency over their own lives.

grapewine · 14/03/2021 11:54

@whateverhappenstomorrow

Jesus, men just can't win, can they?

Yes they can. Its actually really easy. All you need to do is treat women as full human beings, fully equal to you and with agency over their own lives.

👏👏👏
SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2021 11:56

I'm not sure that IS nice.

He runs you a bath so as soon as you get in you're expected to go and have a wash like a good girl. But presumably you've got dinner to eat etc so can't just relax for hours.

He brings you a drink / breakfast at the time he think you should be up so you aren't allowed a lie in

The food one, as a one off, I'd say was an attempt at being nice but alongside everything else...

And if you aren't a good and appreciative wifeling he's sooooo sad because he loves you soooooo much and he just wants to make you sooooooo happy.

And you can't actually say it outright because you're worried what will happen.

Thanks for the drink but I'm not ready to get up yet. Why don't you drink it and I'll make one when I get up.

Thanks for the bath but I have to do X and Y, why don't you hop in instead?

Re dinner, reciprocate a month later.

Happylittlethoughts · 14/03/2021 12:01

No you're not being petty. There is deliberate imposition of his wants above yours in a way that is making you uncomfortable.
I echo the sentiment of control disguised as " niceness."
I'd tell him very very straight , then see what he did after. If he continues then you have your answer.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2021 12:02

@FluffyHippo

Perhaps he should just screw around on you, not work, take shitloads of drugs or booze and steal your money instead? Like so many partners mentioned on this site? Oh, and for good measure, he can be abusive to you, gaslight you and destroy your self-respect as well.

Jesus, men just can't win, can they? He sounds like a nice guy who's trying too hard. But according to you lot, he's a total creep who's controlling and manipulative.

Be thankful for what you have - you may not have it one day if you carry on with this critical mindset.

Is that your standard for a partner? Anything up of "not overtly abusive?

Wow

Her DP is doing something consistently that is bothering her and trying to control when she wakes up, when she washes, what she eats. I'm sure there's a few other little bits she hasn't mentioned. And she can't tell him because he can't tolerate being criticised so she just has to keep on doing what she's told, like a good wifeling whilst he's "kind" at her.

You need to up your standards Fluffy

fuckityfuckitffs · 14/03/2021 12:04

Fluffy is aggressive, rude and just as bad as all the shit partners on here they so iron

fuckityfuckitffs · 14/03/2021 12:04

*ironically mentioned.

hannayeah · 14/03/2021 12:13

Does anyone really like a bath being drawn for them without at least being asked?

Honestly I’d find it creepy.

NoddyMcPintsAlot · 14/03/2021 12:21

Oh no, I’d hate all that. I’d find it suffocating and controlling. He is taking your choices away, when to have a bath, what food to order, having a lie in.

Sansaplans · 14/03/2021 12:23

My ex was like this, it was exhausting, and on reflection, not so nice, but very controlling.

StCharlotte · 14/03/2021 12:26

Have a look through the Mother's Day threads. The grass is always greener...

AgeLikeWine · 14/03/2021 12:28

Communication is the issue here, OP. You are not talking to one another.

You need to stop hinting, because this isn’t getting you anywhere. It’s time for some honesty and straight talking. You need to tell him to stop doing the things that annoy you, and to ask you before running a bath or waking you. He needs to listen to you and start taking your views into account.

Original poster
Bubblyliquid · 14/03/2021 12:28

A lot to ponder on and thank you as I didn't know if I was just being ungrateful.

I think PP nailed it - he wants to be seen as the perfect partner/husband and I think it's being used as leverage if I ever go to say anything negative to him 'I do everything for you... there's not a lot of men who do what I do... I want to treat you as my princess' etc etc.

before lockdown it used to really drive me insane but during lockdown it's different 'niceness'. Beforehand if we were say going to a new city for a night out he'd book a table somewhere random, we'd have to trek there say from the station and to be honest it would always be a buzz kill - not just picking a restaurant/bar/pub that looks like it ticks the boxes. Same with day trips, he finds somewhere to go, what time we're leaving what we're going to do once we get there but i'm never asked what I think about it/if i've got an opinion/do I know any good places.

Anyho, i've had a chat about it to him that I feel like i'm loosing myself and I want to take control back of my life and I don't want to be babied. He seems to be agreeing but I haven't spelt out in black and white that I plan on eating what I want, sleeping when I want, doing what I want and certainly not having random baths whenever he wants the living room all to himself because I deserve to relax :/

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 14/03/2021 12:29

if he's really that nice then he'll listen to what you want and need - so have a good talk and tell him and explain rather than hinting