Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To find that DP niceness is becoming insufferable.

100 replies

Bubblyliquid · 14/03/2021 09:26

Just in advance I’d like to apologise for if this post is a mess as my phone is nearly giving up the ghost and fades in and out at certain parts of the screen.

My DP is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Always going out of his way to do nice things for me and I’m sure they’ll be a lot of people telling me to suck it up

Here’s a few examples:
I would have got home from work and he’s ran me a bubble bath. This happens quite regularly, sometimes the would have been driving home planning on doing a few things before ‘settling in’ for the night.

he sometimes brings me in a drink at the weekend but in the process he wakes me up ruining any form of a lay in and waking up naturally.
same with breakfast sometimes at the weekend . I’m not sure how much I’ve hinted to him that I don’t like eating as soon as I wake up - I never eat breakfast before work etc.
the other day we were planning on ordering takeaway that night. 5 0’clock comes around and I mention about ordering. He says that he’s taken care of it and it will be coming for 7. He’d ordered more than what we’d usually order and lots of things I’d usually like but nothing I was actually fancying that day.

I know it’s really petty and I should count my lucky stars that I have someone who tries at leas t three times a day to do nice things for me. If I hint with any from of criticism or if I act anything than beyond grateful he acts like a wounded puppy.

OP posts:

Bumblebee1980a · 14/03/2021 12:34

I get what you're saying. I would find it annoying too. This morning I was woken up with a cup of tea and breakfast in bed but to be honest could have done with a bit longer as I was woken from a deep sleep.

The takeaway would have really pissed me off. I think that's a bit rude to be honest. I did he know what you wanted to eat - from your answer he obviously didn't.

Maybe a gentle chat is in order

LumpySpacedPrincess · 14/03/2021 12:34

He isn't nice, he's controlling.

You need to tell him to stop, then he needs to stop. If he doesn't end it, no way to live your life.

Bumblebee1980a · 14/03/2021 12:37

Doing what I want and certainly not having random baths whenever he wants the living room all to himself because I deserve to relax :/

My DP always seems to be running me a bath and I wondered whether he was just getting me out of the way so he could relax.

spagbog5 · 14/03/2021 12:37

He sounds very controlling and slightly creepy to be honest and is trying to dress it up as being "nice" so you can't complain about it.

TokyoSushi · 14/03/2021 12:39

So if he listens now and stops, then hopefully it was just misguided niceness.

But, I'm also of the opinion that it's a 'disguised' form of control, and it that's the case, then it's a problem...

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2021 12:53

Good on you for the chat OP.

Now when he does stuff you don't want just say no thanks l, you have it.

If he plans a trip away, find a restaurant and book it, then tell him because you want to pick for once.

user1494055864 · 14/03/2021 13:01

Don't ignore the red flags op.
Don't have the bath, don't eat the breakfast, re-order your own takeaway. If he sulks, leave.

FluffyHippo · 14/03/2021 13:15

@fuckityfuckitffs

Fluffy is aggressive, rude and just as bad as all the shit partners on here they so iron

Says 'fuckityfuckitffs'...

RandomMess · 14/03/2021 13:15

Your second post makes him sound ANYTHING but nice.

It screams of you having to fit into the mould of what he wants.

It will be interesting to see what happens once you stop complying.

CheltenhamLady · 14/03/2021 13:46

All of the things you detail could be coming from a good place OP. Only you know if he is doing it and sometimes missing the mark or doing it to exert control.

From your assessment of him as 'one of the nicest people I’ve ever met,' it would seem to be the former. Only you know deep down which one it really is. What do you think?

Howshouldibehave · 14/03/2021 13:48

the other day we were planning on ordering takeaway that night. 5 0’clock comes around and I mention about ordering. He says that he’s taken care of it and it will be coming for 7. He’d ordered more than what we’d usually order and lots of things I’d usually like but nothing I was actually fancying that day

What did you say? I’d have said, ‘I didn’t want any of those things to eat actually. Please don’t order for me in future-half the fun of takeaway is choosing what to have’

Original poster

Bubblyliquid · 14/03/2021 14:01

@Howshouldibehave

Stupidly I just thanked him and said how nice the food is after a bit of prompting.

I do have a problem speaking up for myself generally in life. But I think that's going to change as i'm an adult not a child.

I've told him countless times how much I hate surprises (i've realised that his way of doing what he wants then wrapping it up as a 'surprise' for me). In future i'm going to refuse to do anything that's a surprise i.e. not knowing what the food is until it comes.

Another problem i've got MN which is along the same lines is that he always does 'things for me' but not for the general household. His new thing is doing my washing but he wont say strip the bed, wash the bedding even if it's stripped or do the towels etc. The other day he rearranged my bookshelf (it did need doing as there was more books stacked on top than actually on the shelf but not urgently/something on the bottom of my list) but didn't say do the washing up, or taking out the bins or clearing up the mess of him cooking a fry up?

It's a weird one.

OP posts:

tenlittlecygnets · 14/03/2021 14:04

It's not niceness. It's controlling, and his reaction is to stop you ever questioning him or being able to say what to want.

He always chooses where to go, what you eat, day trips?? Fuck that.

OP, time to get a lot more assertive. Then you'll find out his real motivations.

YoniAndGuy · 14/03/2021 14:28

It's not weird.

He's controlling.

He doesn't care about making you happy or doing things for you. Otherwise... he'd ask what makes you happy, and what things you'd like him to do for you...

It's all about him. You're just a blow up doll whose opinion on what is 'done' to you isn't even part of the conversation.

There's also a nice side order of manipulation, as you've seen. He gets to use his 'niceness' as a way to guilt you.

He doesn't even ask you what you'd like to eat, he just orders it?

Jesus.

He is, in no way, a nice or a good partner to have.

YoniAndGuy · 14/03/2021 14:30

And... get more assertive - yes ok, but who wants to have to fight their way to being treated as an actual person and not some kind of human pet?

OP, I don't know how long you've been together but I wouldn't want to be with a person who thought like this and acted like this, and I wouldn't want to have to actually try and show my own partner why it is a Good Thing to ask my opinion on things which affect me, actually treat me as a human being.

Have a think before you tie yourself to him further.

Oh and he knows what he's doing!

partyatthepalace · 14/03/2021 14:44

You are being completely reasonable - these things aren’t nice if you don’t want them.

I wouldn’t want a bubble Bath as soon as I got through the door or breakfast at the crack of dawn - and generally I wouldn’t want someone ordering food for me. Because it’s gone on a long time and there are quite a few things, I would tell him nicely that you love him etc, but there are a few things you would like to change.

You need to learn to say what you want oP

partyatthepalace · 14/03/2021 14:46

.... just caught up on your posts... there is something both controlling and performance based about this OP.

I would set a year to get things as you want them or move on. Some counselling or assertiveness training would be useful.

RandomMess · 14/03/2021 14:48

OMG

Run, run, run

AnaisNun · 14/03/2021 14:50

It sounds very controlling to me, rather than nice.

Likeariverthat · 14/03/2021 15:00

Well there you go, OP, he's told you exactly why does these things and surprise suprise it isn't actually because he's trying to be kind to you - it's to prevent you from ever being able to complain about ANYTHING that he does. And he's actually told you this!!!

I felt so sad reading your comment that you haven't spelled it out to him that you plan on eating what you want, sleeping when you want and bathing when you want - the fact that you don't currently feel you have control over such a basic list of things is horrifying.

In the short term, tell him to stop doing your laundry. "Simon, I'd prefer to wash my own clothes but if you're looking around for laundry to do you could always do the bedding or the towels." Don't step up to do more than half of the general daily chores simply because he's picked a nicer/more fun/less grubby task to do (like the books) - expect him to do half of the regular stuff too. If he runs you a bath that you don't want, refuse to get in it. "Oh Simon, I wish you'd asked me before running the bath as it will go to waste now. Unless you want to take a bath?" Tell him you don't want to be woken in the mornings. It will be interesting to see if he does indeed leave you to sleep, or if as a PP has suggested he will "forget". (If he does "forget", then when he comes in tell him to bugger off.)

In the medium term, consider whether this level of control is something you want for the rest of your life. I would also imagine that it will escalate (when you mentioned the laundry my first thought was this is the start of him controlling what you wear).

OhCaptain · 14/03/2021 15:01

What’s that Julia Roberts movie where she fakes her own death to escape her controlling husband?

You should watch that @Bubblyliquid and learn from it.

RandomMess · 14/03/2021 15:06

"Sleeping with the enemy"

He is a big bad wolf in sheep's clothing.

OhCaptain · 14/03/2021 15:23

@RandomMess

"Sleeping with the enemy"

He is a big bad wolf in sheep's clothing.

That’s the one! So, so creepy.

loveyouradvice · 14/03/2021 15:51

You are being completely reasonable - these things aren’t nice if you don’t want them. I wouldn’t want a bubble Bath as soon as I got through the door or breakfast at the crack of dawn - and generally I wouldn’t want someone ordering food for me. Because it’s gone on a long time and there are quite a few things, I would tell him nicely that you love him etc, but there are a few things you would like to change.

100% this

Perhaps think about how you can talk to him that feels authentically you and not too scarey.

Perhaps start by saying how much you appreciate that he wants to do so many nice things for you - that this is a wonderful thing to have in a relationship. And then talk about one thing that you would love to have - perhaps start with the lie-in and having the cup of tea later....? Whichever feels the easiest - both to get your courage up and to see how he reacts.

It may indeed be OMG. Run run run but I think you owe it to both of you to discover if it really is. Gently putting feelers out.... gently seeing the response....

And yes getting additional help, such as talking on the phone to a women's helpline

Good luck. You are brave. And the first step is recognising something and naming it.

ParadiseIsland · 14/03/2021 16:19

I don’t think he wants to be the perfect partner.
I think he wants to have his own way but is dressing it up as being nice so he can’t be told NO.

Flip

1 2 3 4