To find that DP niceness is becoming insufferable.

[Bubblyliquid]

Just in advance I’d like to apologise for if this post is a mess as my phone is nearly giving up the ghost and fades in and out at certain parts of the screen.

My DP is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Always going out of his way to do nice things for me and I’m sure they’ll be a lot of people telling me to suck it up

Here’s a few examples:
I would have got home from work and he’s ran me a bubble bath. This happens quite regularly, sometimes the would have been driving home planning on doing a few things before ‘settling in’ for the night.

• he sometimes brings me in a drink at the weekend but in the process he wakes me up ruining any form of a lay in and waking up naturally.
• same with breakfast sometimes at the weekend . I’m not sure how much I’ve hinted to him that I don’t like eating as soon as I wake up - I never eat breakfast before work etc.
• the other day we were planning on ordering takeaway that night. 5 0’clock comes around and I mention about ordering. He says that he’s taken care of it and it will be coming for 7. He’d ordered more than what we’d usually order and lots of things I’d usually like but nothing I was actually fancying that day.

I know it’s really petty and I should count my lucky stars that I have someone who tries at leas t three times a day to do nice things for me. If I hint with any from of criticism or if I act anything than beyond grateful he acts like a wounded puppy.

It's niceness bordering on control. He's taking over too much and not letting you you make any decisions for yourself. I'm sure it's well meant and once in a while it would be a lovely gesture, but all the time this, behaviour would make me feel trapped.

Just tell him clearly, stop with the hinting... Ignore any sulking, that's how it works in our household, then we both know where we stand

If I hint with any from of criticism or if I act anything than beyond grateful he acts like a wounded puppy

Somehow I missed this from the OP. That is not good OP. It means his kind gestures are not about you or how they make you feel at all. But about how they make him feel about himself. Your role is to validate him as a 'nice guy and good' husband. His actions are not actually about making you feel good at all.

There are so many threads where the man says he will give wife or DP a lie in then purposely wakes her up.

Why do people wake others up by going back into the room with a tea/coffee? Why can't you just leave them til they get up?

That's edging from nice into definitely controlling. That takeaway thing is odd! Surely the first question is "What would you like?"

Absolutely spit on, PPs who gave articulated that this is all about him, performing 'a good husband' and nothing about you.

The puppy eyes are just his defence against any comeback and so far they seem to be working.

What you need now is a really serious conversation. I wouldn't give up without spelling out that what you want above all else, and what is only fair for you as an adult, is to choose for yourself. No lovely gesture will ever be valued above that.

I would set out very clearly, from now on, you are to be consulted before he does anything for you. Anything he does without consultation is clearly for for himself only and nothing to do with you , therefore no thanks or praise from you.

Cut him no slack, this needs a major reset.

He has been having his cake (getting to choose and have everything done his way ) and eating it (being praised by you for doing this siht

He will either twig and wake up from whatever chivalric dream he has been playing out or realise that you are not compatible. Sooner you get to the bottom of it, the better.

Those things would really annoy me, he might be being nice but he’s not actually listening to you or taking into account what you want, only want he thinks you want.
I had an ex who did the bubble Bath thing but I had a physical job and only liked having a shower, after a few times I would say oh thanks but I don’t want a bath tonight and let it out. I ignored the wounded puppy looks and he got the message.

This doesn’t sound nice, it sounds controlling.

Sorry but he’s a total creep. Wrapping you in cotton wool and removing your agency. Acting like you wanting to have any input into your life is an attack on him.

I understand it’s hard in the moment to reject a ‘kind’ gesture that’s actually not appreciated but you can avoid the wounded puppy eyes thing by stating your boundaries at a different time e.g. evening before desired lie-in “DP, I really need a long lie-in tomorrow. I’m just going to sleep until I wake up naturally so please don’t bring me tea, I’ll let you know when I’m awake.”

Or bath/takeaway “Oh, that’s kind, thank you. I wish you’d texted though - I just need to do X/I really fancied ordering Y”

You need to politely but firmly assert your boundaries. You don’t have to be endlessly delighted, you can still thank them for the thought whilst being direct enough to say “and even nicer if you’d checked”

None of this is kind

It's controlling.

Perhaps he should just screw around on you, not work, take shitloads of drugs or booze and steal your money instead? Like so many partners mentioned on this site? Oh, and for good measure, he can be abusive to you, gaslight you and destroy your self-respect as well.

Jesus, men just can't win, can they? He sounds like a nice guy who's trying too hard. But according to you lot, he's a total creep who's controlling and manipulative.

Be thankful for what you have - you may not have it one day if you carry on with this critical mindset.

None of these are nice things.

Getting you a drink when you wake up is nice, waking you up to give you one is not.

Running you a bath when you don’t want one is weird, not nice.

Ordering the takeaway with no consultation on what you want is weird, not nice.

He’s making the decisions on everything. When you wake up, when you wash, what you eat. That’s stifling. It’s lovely to do nice things for other people but you have to make sure they’re up for what you’re doing first.

Also, how would he react if you ordered the takeaway as a surprise or made him breakfast?

If he’d be delighted he’s just doing things for you that he’d appreciate, so it’s not sinister just a bit self-centred on his experience, a d perfectly fixable with clear communication.

If he’d be really irritated by not choosing his own food, say, then he’s more controlling.

Try an experiment.

@FluffyHippo

Perhaps he should just screw around on you, not work, take shitloads of drugs or booze and steal your money instead? Like so many partners mentioned on this site? Oh, and for good measure, he can be abusive to you, gaslight you and destroy your self-respect as well.

Jesus, men just can't win, can they? He sounds like a nice guy who's trying too hard. But according to you lot, he's a total creep who's controlling and manipulative.

Be thankful for what you have - you may not have it one day if you carry on with this critical mindset.

I think based just on what OP has written it could be that he’s a nice bloke, albeit a bit smothering and try-hard, or a borderline control freak. We can’t really say more either way just on the one post.

He’s sound intensely irritating and quite controlling. Stop hinting, tell him what you do want and see what happens.

As soon as you get the wounded puppy act you know this is not about niceness. It’s about him having to perceive himself as nice and use you to back that up, or it’s about control.

An actually nice man would immediately be sorry to realise he was actually annoying you, and ask what you would prefer, then act on that (or just stop doing the annoying thing).

It's not kindness as there's no thoughtfulness. Surely kindness involves empathy and thought for what the person would like - he's not showing that at all.

How deep in are you with him?

You need to tell him firmly . He might be being controlling but he might just be making assumptions and being a bit tone deaf.

When I met my husband he would order for me in restaurants (as in he'd ask what I was having not choose my food). I hated that, it felt like I was some dumbo who couldn't speak for themselves. I told him so. It turned out that his ex wife had liked him to order for her/go to the bar etc because she liked to feel "like a lady" and he just did it automatically. I ain't no lady obviously haha! He also chose and booked our first holiday without discussion. It was lovely but I was also really cross I'd had no say, especially as I was paying my own share. Apparently he thought I'd like to be "swept off my feet " as his ex used to. In short, he was trying to be romantic but missing the mark.

If you tell him and he modifies his behaviour it might be OK. If he's actually controlling then run!

Most of those examples would annoy me except perhaps the tea in the morning (as I could just doze all day otherwise and then feel cross I've wasted the weekend!)

Being run a bath I would hate. If I'm late home it would go cold. I might want to do a workout first or if I need to wash my hair I'd prefer a shower. And I would HATE someone choosing my takeaway for me!

FluffyHippo do you often have problems with comprehension? Can you not tell the difference between a kind gesture and taking over?

Yanbu that would do my head in.

What happens if you make your own choices about stuff?

Perhaps he should just screw around on you, not work, take shitloads of drugs or booze and steal your money instead? Like so many partners mentioned on this site? Oh, and for good measure, he can be abusive to you, gaslight you and destroy your self-respect as well.

So the options are to havea partner who is an absolute arsehole or suffocating?!

OP have you ever done similar to him, ie decide what he's eating and present it to him, arrange something to do and tell him about it? Wonder how he'd react,