The person who raped me has ended up what looks to be happily married to a highly successful, kind, beautiful doctor

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

This makes me feel like shit.

They’ve been together a long time. Lovely children by looks of it. Very nice lifestyle.

It stings.

It’s taken me a long time to heal, cobble together a life, and harness a career.

Not sure why I’m typing, just a bit sad.

*rapist

I can’t work out if he’s bad.

Yes, he's bad, have no doubt about that. He's a rapist.

No matter how handsome, how successful, how lovely his wife, he's still a rapist.

I believe you OP.

You are living your own life which is true and good.

He is living a lie.

Everything that’s happened this week has pushed feelings to the surface which so many of us have locked away for years.

I’m so sorry. It’s awful and totally unfair . I don’t want to pretend to know how you feel , I can only imagine . Things aren’t always as they seem though . People can put on a very good act . I hope you are able to feel better .

*In one sense, I marvel how people who do such really damaging things can be, like the kind, lovely, smart guy next door.

I bet that’s what he is now: I saw he volunteers at his kids school to teach STEM. I bet he’s a good dad too: I can’t quite get my head round it.

As stupid as that sounds*

It doesn't sound stupid at all. But remember you are seeing snapshots of his life.
For his children sake, I hope he is a good father and husband.
I can't imagine how much this must hurt.

My heart goes out to you OP.

There is no karma (more's the pity) but make no mistake. He is a bad person. A very bad person. And I don't think bad people who rape change magically. I wouldn't envy his wife anything. That kind of evil seeps into your life no matter what you do or how many stem classes you teach or anything. I bet she would envy you your lovely kind husband if she knew you. Even lovely clever doctors can marry arsehole men who are criminals and abusers. It would be lovely if the awful ones came with a label or looked ugly or had ominous music surrounding them. But they don't. The good looking successful ones can be horrors too - look at Brett Kavanaugh on the supreme court of the US. Would you want to be his wife or his daughters? I wouldn't.

I would block any social media where you can hear about him and, honestly, just cross the road or turn around if you see his parents coming.

I’m so sorry @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom it must be so hard. You are not ridiculous. All thoughts and feelings are valid. Just remember his life and everything in it is a veil he hides behind. Just think of the cruel soul behind the man. Pity him because nothing in his life is real. You however have your beautiful family and it doesn’t matter how much money he has because you’re way richer than him.

My ex assaulted me just before we broke up after months of emotional abuse. He then went on to meet a pretty girl and get engaged, buy a house etc. He never loved me but used me to pay the rent and support him while he grew his business. I now have a beautiful family it’s been hard to move on from it completely. I feel so sorry for his fiancée as she has no idea what he’s capable of. I didn’t report it because he had money and he would have lawyered up and ruined me. He’s charismatic and everyone loves him so I didn’t feel like I’d be believed. Anyway I try not to think about it and sometimes feel if it hadn’t happened maybe somehow I wouldn’t have met my husband.

Stay strong op and seek out some help if you’re having lots of intrusive thoughts. Have you spoken to your GP? I really hope you feel better soon. You deserve a happy life and things can only look up for you now! Xx

I'm so sorry op, mine is now a grandad, he was in his 40s, i was 15.

He also slept with his wife's sister, she forgave him. Although she doesn't know about me.

It was 16 years ago and I still remember.

Hugs to you ❤️

However charmed his life is, deep deep down he has a cold hard lump where his remorse should be and he can't ever access the clear pure love that goes all the way through your soul because he is polluted, even if it's on a deeply buried level.
Anyone looking at my sister's social media would think she had the most amazing family and life, achievements, success, living the dream. I know her marriage is on the rocks and they are in counseling... But you would not know that from the pictures.
So don't use what you see to beat yourself. Easier said than done I'm sure.

Multiple perps in my past. I often wonder how easy it would be for me to blow their lives apart. Well, I say easy. It wouldn’t be really. Maybe simple is a better word. I just keep it all secret because nobody gives a toss either now or then.

I can’t work out if he’s bad. I don’t think he is, he’s very successful too. I think he just did a bad thing: or several, all to me.

No, OP, you’re mistaken there. He is bad. He’s a piece of shit. He didn’t just happen to accidentally do a lot of bad things to you. Decent people don’t do that. You’re hearing about his life from his parents, and maybe from social media — it may not be as perfect as it seems.

More importantly, be kind to yourself. You’ve done well to build a happy loving family, despite the harm he did you. I hope that can help you heal. Xx

Yes. He is a piece of shit.

In a way, I envy that she ended up bring lover and cherished, with a what looks to be quality lifestyle, while I was just worth the assaulting. Did he know something I didn’t?

That sounds like you sort of think you were worth less, OP? If that's what you meant then no, he really, really didn't know anything of the sort. He's just a vile rapist.

I don't think you will, but I wish you could find it within you to report the rape, because although he most probably wouldn't be convicted, I think it might possibly help you.

You don’t actually know that he has a lovely life and treats his wife well. Money hides a multitude of sins. No one had any idea what my father was really like. I don’t mention this for sympathy. I’m well past it. I just want you to know that all may not be as it seems. Even his parents may have no idea.

I do believe what goes around, come around. It just won’t be in plan sight. His wife may well know what’s he is really like. But you don’t know anything about their relationship and how she deals with him.

Try not to think about him, concentrate on yourself.

It’s no consolation, and I don’t know how these types of people live with themselves.
You aren’t alone.

I imagine the happy lives, that you imagine they have, aren’t really that happy for the poor people who do end up with them

Because psychopaths and sociopaths don't change

All you can do is look after yourself, and don’t waste any moment, after today on thoughts about them

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom

Wiping away some tears. Thank you for caring about this middle aged stranger with a sore, wee heart.

Another who cares here, OP. I'm so sorry you went through this

PTSD is so difficult. If you can access therapy (doesn't sound like the counselling you had was up to much) it could be helpful. But there are other things you can do that might help - I think maybe the first place to start is to be very gentle and kind with yourself. Treat yourself like you would a small child needing care.

You are worth good care and kindness and gentleness, and it's wonderful that you have a lovely family of your own who love you, but do remember to care gently for yourself too. You might already be doing that, or perhaps not. Sometimes, it is very hard to do so, and feels odd, but you can still do it even if it feels foreign, until it becomes 'normal'.

I’m in a similar situation Op. I was sexually abused as a child, it’s taken so long for the CPS to accept my case. He’s an old man now, he’s lived his life. He’s lived his life how he wanted to, abusing children. I don’t feel he will ever pay for his crimes. It eats me alive sometimes.

His actions are only a reflection of him, not you. He’s living a successful happy life, but he must be looking over his shoulder a lot waiting for his past to catch up. Well, I hope ppl like this do. In some cases this is the only punishment they get.

I have a lot of sympathy for you. I like to think if they don’t pay for their sins in this life, they will in the next.

Good luck Op

I wasn’t far different some of the time my friend.

@Sunnywithchanceofshowers

You’re seeing the picture they present to the world. You have no idea how he acts within his seemingly happy relationship or whether his wife is secretly longing to get rid of him.

Just going to say this. Just because on the surface things look amazing, they may not be.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I've not experienced this, but I have experienced sexual assault when I was 18. Actually on my 18th birthday. I still remember every detail now, and sadly it was a 'friend', I just don't know which one ☹️

Harvey Weinstein had a beautiful wife and family. Maybe his wife knew nothing, but look at him now. It's caught up with him.

My rapist has daughters.
I hope they never meet a man like their father.
I hope he worries every day that they will.

Thank you so much for all you words of precious wisdom.

I’m so sorry for all of you whom have suffered at another’s hands.

You’ve given me perspective, some great advice and made me feel far,far, far less alone this evening.

Thanks to you all xxx (ps. I think the news re lovely Sarah in London has upset me, one of you mentioned this. My heart is broken for her and her loved ones). X

Ps. Thanks again x