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Original poster

The person who raped me has ended up what looks to be happily married to a highly successful, kind, beautiful doctor

115 replies

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 12/03/2021 21:58

This makes me feel like shit.

They’ve been together a long time. Lovely children by looks of it. Very nice lifestyle.

It stings.

It’s taken me a long time to heal, cobble together a life, and harness a career.

Not sure why I’m typing, just a bit sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 12/03/2021 22:30

My husband and I are skint as can be but he adores me and our kids are well balanced, beautifully polite and everyone loves their wee selves. I must be thankful rather than mournful tonight. I think it just stings sometimes; when it nears the dead of the night. I hate PTSD. It’s fucking awful torture. Even years later.

OP posts:
Corncorncorn · 12/03/2021 22:31

I care too. He may appear happy and successful but he's rotten really. You matter much more than him.

thosetalesofunexpected · 12/03/2021 22:31

Very sorry about your experiences

Have you had any Therepies specifically for PSTD ?

I know there is a particular type of Yoga that is for women who have experienced PSTD ,

I seen a book about this in the oxfarm second hand book shop in Swansea .

I really think having some kind of Therepy /or combination of therepies,will be beneficial to you,

It could be having Counselling Therepy ,and /or CBT (cognitive behavioural Therepy etc.

(to explore on the internt, to find out more infor about the various different therapies out there
aswell as the theories behind them,
to see which ones will be beneficial effective the most.

Maybe even joining a good support for women recovering from this kind of Trauma, ect ,could provide a bit of support ,
whether online /or online,
(whatever you feel.is more suitable ,more cormfortable with etc.

Take careDaffodilCakeBrew x

Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 12/03/2021 22:32

Stylish - I’m sorry. I believe you. Your ex sounds like a prick! Sorry for the language but he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 12/03/2021 22:33

Thanks.

I feel like it’s a layer of the tree trunk so far down now that’s damaged; where would i start?

OP posts:
Chloemol · 12/03/2021 22:34

What he did was wrong, but as others have said, he was probably the same with others, even his wife, they may look happy, but how do you know? People are good at hiding things

For your own sake you need to stop searching information out, you are 1000 times better than him, focus on you and your family, you have built your life, and it sounds a great one. If you find your mind wandering, think about the good times you have had with your family, he is just not worth it

ochreberry · 12/03/2021 22:35

Oh OP Flowers what he did to you still stands. Whoever he is married to is married to a rapist, and he will always be that for what he did to you.

Your DH and DC sound amazing.

I agree that you should look into having trauma therapy.

Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 12/03/2021 22:36

No. Tried counselling. She wasn’t interested ironically: said ‘that was a long time ago’. That fair shut me up! (It was free; maybe not the best!)

Tried to contact open secrets; told me there was no funding in my area.

Have been to busy raising small children and trying to earn a crust since sadly!

OP posts:
RickiTarr · 12/03/2021 22:37

This is why talk of karma doesn’t help.

BUT he can have all the lovely wives, pretty children, cars, houses, bells, whistles but he still has to be him, still has to live in his horrible head, has to either feel guilt or repress stuff constantly. He is keeping secrets from his wife and goodness knows how many more people. He can project whatever he wants outwardly but he can’t have much ease.

You get to be you, and you sound a thousand times lovelier, and your conscience is clear, and your head is your kind, innocent, clear head to live in. Flowers

That’s how I think of the person who did me harm, anyway.

TatianaBis · 12/03/2021 22:38

I’m sorry OP. I’m sorry that his treatment of you made you feel worthless when he was the one was.

I feel a bit sorry for the wife. Any woman deserves better than a man who would treat women like that. And who’s to say he’s not sexually aggressive with her or that he doesn’t have affairs?

Kico99 · 12/03/2021 22:38

It's a hard thing to live with but you have to remember you are a decent person and it has nothing to do with you, it was all him and on the surface he may look like he has a perfect life but things aren't always as they seem, and even if they are that doesn't take away how happy you are.

Is there a reason you know all of this? Anyway you can completely cut off on knowing he's even alive and just think he's dead?

Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 12/03/2021 22:39

Don’t get me wrong my family can be pains.

But they’re mine all mine.

Even if we don’t have two pennies to rub together.

I think that’s what hurts a bit too as I was in a good career trajectory prior to being raped and lost it all for nearly 15-20 years till I got up and back professionally on it.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 12/03/2021 22:39

That’s not representative of counsellors OP, was she even trained? You should find someone good. You’d be entitled to 12 sessions of CBT on the NHS.

Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 12/03/2021 22:42

His parents live near me. Bump into me. Give me his updates. It breaks my heart: they’re good people. But I dread seeing them. They’ve no idea.

OP posts:
pickledcrumpet · 12/03/2021 22:42

Sadly very few victims report their rape. The thought of reliving the experience, not being believed, unlikely to get a conviction, shame, lack of support are just some of the reasons these arseholes get to continue their lives as if nothing ever happened while the victims life course is permanently altered. It's not too late, you're telling us, tell your support network. Tell the police.

crappysummit · 12/03/2021 22:43

I think that they can go on to successful things because they know how to play the game, and you don't need a moral compass to be successful. Sometimes the opposite works better. But I wouldn't let it sting, it is extremely unlikely he has changed and now or at some point in the future it is that lovely wife who will suffer because of him. You don't know what is going on behind closed doors, but someone who rapes is not going to go on to be a dream spouse.

Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 12/03/2021 22:44

I wonder if ptsd can ever truly be healed. It’s a fucker to deal with: in my mind, I want baddies to look look like baddies: not like rich, handsome, kind ‘dads’ at the school gates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 12/03/2021 22:47

I have no evidence now

And ironically his wife is so important in the nhs, I wouldn’t want to derail her career for her patients sakes. Or their kids: I wish her or them no harm, I just brunt it. Not their fault: I can’t imagine them knowing what he is and their lives being blown apart, I’m ridiculous I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 12/03/2021 22:48

Thanks for listening x

OP posts:
AnnaCondom · 12/03/2021 22:48

For me, I think the current heightened discussions about women's safety has made a past assault come back up to the surface. I don't have any comfort for you, OP, except to say that you're not alone. Lots of women here are with you. Some interesting stuff here, eg about the yoga. But I would urge you to get some professional help. I had someone tell me for a solid two hours that it wasn't my fault before the penny dropped, and I was able to move on, and be happy with my lovely Dh and Dch. It's near the surface still, sometimes, but it doesn't cripple me on a daily basis like it used to. Best wishes, OP.

HollowTalk · 12/03/2021 22:49

He's wearing a mask. It slipped when he was with you and you saw his true disgusting self. His mask will be a burden on him and it'll slip again. You should pity his wife. She'll know even if she's not totally aware of it. You have true love with a good man who has nothing to hide. You are the truly happy ones.

ThreeLocusts · 12/03/2021 22:49

Sorry you have to deal with this.

Just a couple of things. The appearance of happiness on social media means nothing at all. Nothing.

And: there is no correlation between a person's moral character and their professional success. Nice people succeed, bastards succeed. In my experience, being an unpleasant person makes success somewhat more likely since sharp elbows are obviously useful. No point being surprised that the world isn't fair.

I wish you healing. Focus on yourself.

RickiTarr · 12/03/2021 22:50

You are in no way ridiculous.
Not even slightly.
You sound like most people in your situation sound, and it’s natural to feel all these different things.

Ellie56 · 12/03/2021 22:50

As PP said things aren't always what they seem OP. It may look like sunshine and roses on the surface, but he's still a vile nasty piece of shit. And who knows what his family have to put up with?

Have you had counselling?

Flowers
Loocheeyar · 12/03/2021 22:51

My ex was sexually extremely coercive and is now a CID inspector specialising in vice ... I’m not surprised. Beautiful wife and kids in Home Counties . Handsome engaging talented intelligent .
Controlling manipulative abusive Taoist
I know one day I’ll see him on the news when he does it to the wrong person / too many people etc .

I hear you op . I see you . I feel you x

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