Intrusive thoughts

[Mumtotwoxo]

I have just had a baby 10 weeks ago. I was doing well apart from small panic attacks from my anxiety that I’ve suffered with for years. The other day out the blue I started having intense panic attacks where I can’t sleep and intrusive thoughts that are extremely scary and real. I feel like a bad mum. Has anyone suffered this too? Reached out to my gp and now referred to a MH nurse.

@TheLumpySofaCushion how long did it take for it to pass for you? This feels like a lifetime already for me.
I do but he works elsewhere so right now because I can't travel to his home we can only see eachother at weekends when he comes down. I have my mother staying with me she's been doing all my kids care as I physically and mentally can't right now. I have a goal tonight to feed my wee one again (first time in a week) x

I had it too, I felt so alone and didn’t think it was PND because I didn’t feel depressed! But a clusterfuck of fluctuating hormones, lack of sleep and the staggering responsibility of being responsible for this tiny vulnerable wee human set me on red alert 24/7. I had visions flash before my eyes of terrible scenes, awful things that I wouldn’t have believed myself capable of thinking. Then gave myself a hard time for thinking it. I came to understand it as an out of control form of risk assessment where you need to go through all possibilities mentally to prepare you to defend your baby. Unfortunately it led to worse and worse visions in my case. Eventually I just sort of snapped out of it, it was like walking out of a fog. It took time and I didn’t seek help, so you are really doing the right thing talking about it now and understanding it for what it is. When my sis became a new mum she described having exactly the same feelings and started taking panic attacks- she was given NHS online CBT which kind of helped, I think. But it was good for both of us to know we weren’t alone. X

Ok. But life wasn't always like this. So if you struggle to control your thoughts you will feel worse - like a spiders web. What is the worst that can happen? If your little one had a night mare you would comfort him or her and explain about reality. However bad this feels you are never going to harm your children or yourself. Why not? Because It IS your worst nightmare which is why you have those thoughts. Your brain, doing the What If..

You're doing really well, OP.

It's horrible, awful, hideous, unfair. All those things. But it will pass.

Keep reading all the posts on here.
Take them in.

Repeat over & over -'other people have come through it.

Make an appointment with your GP for next week . You can cancel it if you don't need it.

Really sorry you went through this too, @Blurberoo.

I would have found this thread a godsend had it been around back in my day x

@Blurberoo how did you manage to pull yourself through it? So sorry to hear this. I haven't been offered cbt yet x

@BCBG I'm basically scared to even look or touch my kids without worrying these thoughts are what my mind wants. I know deep down it isn't but convincing yourself is impossible. I feel like my brain is about to explode. X

I just sort of came out of it! I remember it vividly! Must have been hormone related. It took a long time, though, years but would have been quicker if I’d talked to other women about it. I wasn’t a mumsnetter at the time!

2 and a half years I’d say

@TheLumpySofaCushion I've already contacted gp and having regular crisis MH team visits. On fluxotine 20mg too just hoping it kicks in soon and I can feel a little lighter x

Thinking back on it, I was going to the doc with chest pains. I got checked out for gallstones etc then the doc asked if I was anxious at all? It was a penny drop moment for me that all my physical pains were psychological in origin- not to say they weren’t real iyswim! Same as my sister’s panic attacks; she thought she was dying. It all made sense to me then and I started to get on top of it. X

I think the CBT is good for making you feel more in control of the situation. There’s some resources here- breathing control really helped me www.psychologytools.com/professional/problems/anxiety/

How long have you been taking the Fluoexetine, op?

@Blurberoo I get chest pains and all over physical symptoms too with my panic. My body feels like it's on fire and my head burns up and goes fuzzy. Did you manage to concentrate on your cbt? X

@TheLumpySofaCushion I was on it about a year ago (for about 4 years) after suffering minor anxiety and panic attacks after having my daughter.
I stupidly came off it during my second pregnancy and my little one is only 12 weeks old. This started 2 weeks ago so I've been back on them for 2 weeks now. In hope they work again x

It's early days, OP.

If you don't start to feel some improvement in the next week or so, if would ask your MH team to increase the dose maybe?

@TheLumpySofaCushion I think they will be looking to increase the dose in a week if there's no improvement. I've also been on Zopiclone every night too (ends Monday which I'm terrified) as I've not been able to sleep. I wake in a panic every night x

@Mumtotwoxo I didn’t get any CBT, just the stuff online. My sister got the NHS CBT which didn’t involve an actual therapist, just an automated online thing but it helped in that she gave herself time and space to concentrate on getting better- virtually impossible with a tiny baby, I know! It does get better though x

[quote Mumtotwoxo]@TheLumpySofaCushion I think they will be looking to increase the dose in a week if there's no improvement. I've also been on Zopiclone every night too (ends Monday which I'm terrified) as I've not been able to sleep. I wake in a panic every night x[/quote]
I had Zopiclone too, for about a week or so, I think.

It was great - like an anaesthetic, got me to sleep in seconds. Unfortunately I would wake up about 3 or 4 hours later, wracked with panic still.

It's a long time ago now so I don't remember the details, but my other medication must have eventually kicked in.

@Blurberoo sorry to hear about your sister. How did she cope with a baby did she have any help apart from yourself? X

@TheLumpySofaCushion that's the exact same as what's happening to me now. I wake after a couple hours in sheer panic. What medication did you get put on that helped? X

The book helped me straight away as it was so straight talking. However, I read it in one sitting and then looked back at certain parts over the coming days.
You have to practice the technique it gives, but it doesn't take long and now if I get a thought I don't react in any way at all, just let it float past without even really consciously noticing it.

I don't know if you have read much yet but early it talks about the fact you are brave for reading it. Brave because you are sitting and facing the thoughts when all instinct tells you to run from them.

I have been struck by how brave you are by making this thread and calling for help from medical professionals.
Part of the thoughts is the belief you could be really bad and they are hard to admit to.
I struggled on for decades in secret. I wasn't on Mumsnet and I honestly had no idea other people suffered this.
Honestly, you are a very brave person.

The book also lists all the common themes of intrusive thoughts in detail. This is so there isn't anyone thinking to themselves 'yes that sounds bad, but not as bad as my thoughts I really am beyond redemption'.

They make it clear that kind and gentle people have horrendous thoughts.

People who are caring and want others to be safe are blindsided by horrific violent thoughts, this is often true for mother's. Mothers who wish so much for their child to be safe they almost create scenarios where they are not safe (especially where they harm them). The thought is so abhorrent that it becomes stuck.

I know where you are now, I know the frantic panic and how the thoughts hit and hit. You will get better, you will be able to love your children, care for your children and hug them without suffering from the horror of these thoughts. It will get better.

Just to add that as you are sleeping only a few hours a night you will be utterly exhausted. Very hard to find firm ground when exhausted.
I was sleeping four hours and then would be awake the rest of the night with thoughts spinning. Was awful.
The beta blockers helped me sleep along side amitriptyline (anti depressant known to aid sleep).

What a lovely post @Blackopal ❤️

[quote Mumtotwoxo]@TheLumpySofaCushion that's the exact same as what's happening to me now. I wake after a couple hours in sheer panic. What medication did you get put on that helped? X[/quote]
I'm on Citalopram, @Mumtotwoxo . It's been lovely for me.