Intrusive thoughts

[Mumtotwoxo]

I have just had a baby 10 weeks ago. I was doing well apart from small panic attacks from my anxiety that I’ve suffered with for years. The other day out the blue I started having intense panic attacks where I can’t sleep and intrusive thoughts that are extremely scary and real. I feel like a bad mum. Has anyone suffered this too? Reached out to my gp and now referred to a MH nurse.

@TheLumpySofaCushion I'm glad you're being open with me. This is exactly how I feel right now. How did he know for certain you would not harm them could you give me some peaceful advice please? X

@catherineofarrogance80 thanks for your support. What did you suffer from was it intrusive thoughts about yourself and the kids? X

My therapist told me you are most aware and upset by intrusive things that are important to you - lots and lots of women get these after becoming a mom. They pick at whatever you care about most. If you were having those intrusive thoughts and feeling HAPPY, you’d need to be worried. The very fact that they make you feel upset, scared, panicky etc means that you do not want these things to happen. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean you will ever act on it.

@Cinderellashoes thank you for your advice. Did you experience these thoughts about yourself and others ie your kids? How did you manage to cope? My head is spinning with questioning if I want to do these things but I know deep down I don't but it's a vicious cycle my mind is in x

[quote Mumtotwoxo]@TheLumpySofaCushion I'm glad you're being open with me. This is exactly how I feel right now. How did he know for certain you would not harm them could you give me some peaceful advice please? X[/quote]
Very much like @Cinderellashoes has just said.

He was expert in his field. Asked me lots and lots of questions, knew his stuff.

He also said that there was no point really telling me that I wouldn't kill them, because I wouldn't believe him / doubts would creep in, but he was certain, because I was so distraught about the thoughts; couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, lost appetite, had begun to second guess myself on everything and was willing to speak to him, plus he had a whole host of psychiatric expertise and saw similar all the time (who knew so many of us suffered).

@TheLumpySofaCushion did you feel yourself withdrawn from the kids and avoiding them at all cost? X

Yes I did and I suffered for 4 years thinking there was something terribly wrong. I label them whenever I have them: this is an intrusive thought, it means nothing and cannot harm me.
You need to put your body in an open position, head back, arms out, take some really slow deep breaths, teach your body that there is no danger there. Adopt an ‘open stance’
I also now take fluoxetine 20mg but I am weaning myself off them as I’d like another baby
These won’t be with you forever. Your thoughts are only thoughts, you won’t act on them, you need to not avoid doing things you want to do such as cuddling or carrying your children
Your brain thinks there is a danger because when you imagine a scenario the brain is unable to distinguish between whether it’s real or imaginary
Which is why you get a rush of adrenaline causing physical symptoms that feel like panic (racing heart, sweaty, sick etc)
You have to literally show your brain there is no danger with your body
Eventually they just decreased although I do get them when I’m over tired!

@Cinderellashoes was it the fluxotine that helped you get back on your feet? Did you try avoid your child because of these thoughts? I'm trying so hard not to fall into the trap of avoiding them but it's so hard whenever I'm near them the thoughts are so vivid x

[quote Mumtotwoxo]@TheLumpySofaCushion did you feel yourself withdrawn from the kids and avoiding them at all cost? X[/quote]

100%, OP.

I didn't trust myself to be alone around them.

However... when my mother in law took them to stay with her, I didn't feel better. I didn't think - phew, they're safe from me.

I came up with other intrusive thoughts -
Other ways I could ruin my 'perfect' life.

That's the thing when you're in a spiral - your brain hooks on to the next think it can decimate you with.

Can you say what kind of intrusive thoughts? If it's about potential harm to the baby - eg falling out of windows or down the stairs - that's really normal as your brain adjusts to the responsibilities of motherhood.
If it's really distressing and affecting how you feel please do speak to your GP and HV.

Just read the full thread - glad you're seeing a MH nurse

@TheLumpySofaCushion did you start noticing yourself getting better soon after receiving help or did it take you a long time to feel ok? X

[quote Mumtotwoxo]@TheLumpySofaCushion did you start noticing yourself getting better soon after receiving help or did it take you a long time to feel ok? X[/quote]
I noticed improvement as soon as I sought help.

I gradually got better and better with medication and CBT counselling.

If you're in the South East, I can recommend a wonderful counsellor once you're ready to see one.

You are clearly such a loving parent to do so scared and open about this.

To me now, it's such a distant memory. I've just told my DH about your situation and we both feel so sorry that you're going through this and want to say that if you get help, it WILL pass.

@TheLumpySofaCushion unfortunately no, I'm up in Scotland and on a waiting list for primary mental health, I'm not offered cbt therapy as of yet. Just a waiting game for my fluxotine to kick in (hoping it goes) as this feeling is something out of a horror movie x

[quote Mumtotwoxo]@TheLumpySofaCushion unfortunately no, I'm up in Scotland and on a waiting list for primary mental health, I'm not offered cbt therapy as of yet. Just a waiting game for my fluxotine to kick in (hoping it goes) as this feeling is something out of a horror movie x[/quote]
@Mumtotwoxo - it WILL get better, honestly.

Push to see the mental health specialists.

If the Fluoexitine doesn't seem to be helping in another week, go back to your GP.

You are so good to post on here - is it belong?

*helping?

@TheLumpySofaCushion I've been searching for someone private but unfortunately not in a position financially so have to wait for nhs services. Fluxotine worked for me after having my daughter 4 years ago (suffered minor panic attacks and anxiety) nothing to what I have now. So I'm hoping it has the same effect on me again!
This thread alone has helped me get out of bed in the morning and feel ok going to bed. I need this thread to help me.

Did you question yourself when you felt good like 'should I feel good?' ?? X

@Mumtotwoxo I'm glad to hear that this thread is helping you a bit. The fluoxetine will kick in but it may be that you need an increased dose so keep in close touch with GO about how you are feeling. But you have come a long way in a few days. What's the weather like in Scotland? We are in the teeth of a storm in Kent and being wussy Southerners I have the wood burner going Are you able to get out for walks?

@Mumtotwoxo

So glad the thread is helping.

Do you mean did I question once I was on the mend? I'm sure I did, anxiety takes a while to calm down.

But my children are now older, normal, fabulous, our relationship is great, there's no damage whatsoever.

When you feel good your anxiety is basically saying - are you sure it’s ok to relax? What if you miss something? You can’t relax, you need to stay alert, danger is everywhere etc. Don’t listen to that voice. Ignore!!

I didn’t avoid my children because I didn’t have the option. One thing I did (and still do) avoid is water because I have a recurring thought of them falling in.

How long have you been having these thoughts? You haven’t hurt your children so far have you? You have had ample opportunity. Don’t give these thoughts the power to change your actions. They are THOUGHTS and have no meaning

@BCBG aww I do love a log burner! It's absolutely pouring down over here so unable to get out a walk and I don't feel safe to drive right now! I've been on it 2 weeks now so I think they are waiting a while longer before increasing the dose, not sure how it'll sort me now x

@TheLumpySofaCushion yes did you question yourself as if you shouldn't feel good? Did you get headaches from the stress of it all?

I'm so glad to hear of your outcome, it gives me hope x

@Cinderellashoes yes I sit and question on what my mind is going to think of next instead of being positive. It's so hard.
My mother has been staying for a couple days but unfortunately she's going back to work so I'll be in full care of kids again and I'm terrified.
No I've not tried to harm them or myself it's just the occurring thoughts telling me to that I can't get rid of. X

Practise some grounding excercises too. Five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, one you can taste
Or get up and move around
Quieten you’re mind down, tell yourself repeatedly you are okay and safe x

[quote Mumtotwoxo]@TheLumpySofaCushion yes did you question yourself as if you shouldn't feel good? Did you get headaches from the stress of it all?

I'm so glad to hear of your outcome, it gives me hope x[/quote]
It's an illness, @Mumtotwoxo - it takes time to get over, and because it's mental illness, it's hard, but you will get there.

I promise you, if anyone was to break in to your house and try and hurt your kids, you would protect them with your life. But your brain won't allow you to believe that right now. But it will, it really will.