Intrusive thoughts

[Mumtotwoxo]

I have just had a baby 10 weeks ago. I was doing well apart from small panic attacks from my anxiety that I’ve suffered with for years. The other day out the blue I started having intense panic attacks where I can’t sleep and intrusive thoughts that are extremely scary and real. I feel like a bad mum. Has anyone suffered this too? Reached out to my gp and now referred to a MH nurse.

@HaHaVeryBunny @TheLumpySofaCushion today has been a nightmare. I've had thoughts all day that won't shift no matter how much I try not to react.
I feel like I'm going backwards today.
The thoughts are so strong I can't get them out my head ladies 😭😭😭
Hoping for a better tomorrow x

[quote Mumtotwoxo]**@HaHaVeryBunny* @TheLumpySofaCushion* today has been a nightmare. I've had thoughts all day that won't shift no matter how much I try not to react.
I feel like I'm going backwards today.
The thoughts are so strong I can't get them out my head ladies 😭😭😭
Hoping for a better tomorrow x
[/quote]
I'm sorry to hear that, some days those thoughts won't shift, OCD is a stubborn one. But having a really bad day doesn't mean all the progress you have made is undone, it's still there and you are still going to get through this, no matter the lies OCD tells you.

And yes here's for a better tomorrow for you and a good sleep tonight x

Don't panic. @Mumtotwoxo .

Like @HaHaVeryBunny said, and everyone who has experienced what you're going through, the thoughts do go up and down whilst you're getting better.

You're still coping, still doing your thing - the thoughts are exhausting but you're getting through.

The increase in the Fluxo should start to kick in soon, too.

Are the MH team still supporting you?

@HaHaVeryBunny did you experience this? Did you feel the thoughts coming on so strong when you noticed your bad days? I'm hoping for a good sleep tonight but I have natural broken sleep with the baby x

@TheLumpySofaCushion it's just hard when you've had such an amazing day then the next day it goes back to what feels like square one. Yes I am they visit me every second day and phone call the other day - awaiting cbt at beginning of April (I hope)
I'm hoping the fluxotine does start to work more as I feel it's took a stand still xx

Ah, I know. It's so hard.

You've got to see it as what is is - getting over a traumatic illness: you'll have some good days, and some set backs, but you WILL get there.

Don't expect too be 100% straight away and keep talking to your MH team - you're doing so well xxx

@TheLumpySofaCushion did you experience this too? I don't want to be the only one that's experienced set backs - reassurance is vital when suffering this and it's so hard to remind myself it will get better. Xx

I sure did.

I'm sure everyone who has intrusive thoughts has. Remind yourself of those good times you've had over the last few days, xxxx

@Mumtotwoxo I'm sorry to hear you are going through this! I haven't read all the replies but wanted to share my experience. I have also had intrusive thoughts that are extremely upsetting. I have a history of anxiety and panic attacks too. I remember I had been in a fairly anxious state and then bam.. one day, I had a horrible thought and I literally felt the colour drain out of my face, I was horrified!! I then kept questioning why I had thought that, and trying to think of reasons why it wasn't true. Does this sound familiar?

The horrible thought continued to repeat and it was as though it was hitting a giant red button in my brain every time, filling me with dread and fear and sadness. And again more questioning, reasoning and googling.. going round and round in an endless cycle.

Basically your poor tired anxious brain has made a horrible little pathway, it has taken a nasty thought which is very likely to be the exact opposite of what you want. It causes such distress and this in turn creates a cycle of distress and then trying to reason with the thought, trying not to have the thought (which doesn't work) and on and on. I'm sure there is also a rational part of your brain which cannot understand all this and on some level KNOWS that these thoughts are not you.

It won't be an immediate fix for these thoughts, what worked for me was deciding to have an absolute blind faith that these were JUST thoughts, and forcing myself to do all my daily activities and especially those that trigger the thoughts (this was very hard at first), continually until they gradually lost their power over me. I also did a lot of walking and running, even when I felt like crap and just wanted to hide away in bed! I think this helps to burn off all the crazy adrenaline caused by these thoughts and helps to break the cycle. Also a book called Anxiety No More by Paul David was really really good, you can get it on the Kindle app. You WILL get better, these thoughts always choose to attack the very things you care about most in the world and things that you don't want to happen.

I also remember being in the thick of it and feeling so defeated when I had a bad day, that the thoughts had "ruined" my day... These are the days where you need to take manual control over your actions and keep doing what you need to do, DESPITE the thoughts. So when a thought pops in and you get that sinking feeling, try and tell yourself, ok, there's the thought, I'm carrying on with what I'm doing. I felt much worse when sitting and googling all day with the thoughts attacking me, as opposed to getting on with tasks and getting things done while the thoughts were there. I know this must all be incredibly stressful with a new baby too. You will get there!

Your thread just caught my eye. I haven’t read it all but I just wanted to recommend the sally m winston book which I see you already have. The key practical chapter is near the end. I would read it a few times. You are very tired with a new baby, tiredness always makes these things so much harder. I would also recommend practicing mindfulness via the calm or headspace app. You will need to log in 3 times a day and after a few weeks it will become habit forming. The practice of mindfulness will make the principles of the winston book easier to put into practice. She tells you not to engage with the thoughts and not to suppress them either. It’s quite tricky but mindfulness essentially is the same, it helps you to notice your thoughts but in a detached way, so that they lose their power.

I hope this helps. I have been through similar and it comes and goes, mostly gone but comes back when I’m very stressed.

@TheLumpySofaCushion didn't sleep at all last night, think I seen every hour and because the propranolol wore off I had panic and fear again. X

@Caneloalvarez did you suffer a long time with this? Yes it sounds very familiar. I just want to keep getting better but the thoughts can be so powering x

@QuiteGood thank you for your support. How did you find the book helpful to yourself? X

@Caneloalvarez also - the anxiety book by Paul was it the life at last or the life at last and beyond? X

@Mumtotwoxo it was quite bad for a few months and then gradually it lifted, it eases off very gradually and at first you don't notice it but then suddenly you'll realise you haven't spent as much time thinking about those thoughts and obsessing/googling/trying to find reassurance that you don't really mean it! But it's important to keep taking control of your daily activities no matter how you are feeling, even on a bad day and even when you feel like the last thing you want to do cook/walk/tidy up etc.

I know you're probably going to worry that I've said it lasted a while but I think I was doing plenty of things to keep me "stuck" in the cycle, mulling over the thoughts, feeling sorry for myself and sad, endlessly googling! I think if I had used all my power to break these cycles earlier I would have recovered much quicker... Hopefully you can too! It is very overwhelming when it happens to you for the first time though so it's understandable as to why we get stuck. The good thing is, once you have come out the other side, you'll know what you're dealing with and be able to brush away thoughts in the future. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you WILL get your old mind back, it won't last forever!

Apologies, his blog is called Anxiety No More, the book is called At Last a Life. I thought his advice was excellent and it's really what prompted me to take control.

Hi there @Mumtotwoxo and everyone else on the thread.

I see you've had some great advice, @Mumtotwoxo - so sorry you're still struggling, its really tough but it is one of those illnesses where it takes a while to fully recover.

You are doing great. There are so many of us on this thread that share you're experiences - although I'm sorry that so many people have also gone through it, part of that is quite a comfort because it makes you feel less alone, and that intrusive thoughts are an anxiety thing and that they do happen to other people.

Keep doing what you're doing, and making sure you do your general day to day stuff too. It will get better xxxx

@Caneloalvarez I'm trying to stick to my usual routine but it triggers me in so many ways I just can't see clear sometimes. I'm hoping I can start seeing more better days that bad x

@TheLumpySofaCushion my mums back to work now and I'm over staying at my partners with baby but it's so hard to be here as it was here it was at its worst at the start. Keep hoping for better days and I know they will come but when it's still so intense it's hard to see and believe it.
How was your day? X

Morning everyone who is still attending the thread -
Today is my first day (in 3 weeks) that I've been left myself with baby. Extremely nervous incase thoughts take over but I'm going to try get out a walk.
How's all your days planned? X

Morning @Mumtotwoxo well done for taking this step and having a day with your baby! I know it must be really hard, but you can do this. Be mindful that the triggers and thoughts will come as you're full of adrenaline but just pause, deep breath and carry on with practical things. I think you're doing amazingly well to try and cope with this and look after a little one (I have a little one too, hardest job ever lol!!!). And go easy on yourself if you have a fearful moment, you have a lot going on. When I felt really bad it sometimes helped me to view baby care as my job e.g. this is my job today, sort the milk, cuddles, naps, washing etc. One. Day. At. A. Time. It's really important to take this one day at a time! One foot in front of the other. If you have a fearful moment, let it go through you, reach out to a loved one for a quick chat or come on here ☺️

Hello to all the other posters on here too, I'm sad to see this affects so many people but glad that many want to help someone who is suffering! I always said to myself that if it got better I would try and reply to people going through the same.

@Caneloalvarez did you think you'd never get better when you were suffering like myself? Are you on medication now to help? It's hard when the thoughts are racing through but trying so hard to fight it by letting it be there and following Sally's advice from the OIT book.
How's your day planned? X

Oh wow, Mumoftwo - what a step for you - and you'll get through it!

Well done. Every day you are getting stronger xx

Yes absolutely, I was convinced my brain had changed forever and felt very very hopeless! This might sound a bit crazy but what helped me (can't remember whether I read it in a book or on a forum) is that you have to have absolute blind faith that this is temporary and that it will get better - it's like having faith in God, there is no proof as such but you just choose to believe this anyway. Even when it all feels incredibly scary and real, believe that it's just a glitch of an incredibly tired and anxious mind, and it will get better! I'm not particularly religious lol but it helped me to understand how to believe that it will get better.

The only medication I tried was something called Citalopram which the gp recommended, but it just made me feel quite flat and numb so I didn't take it for very long. I distinctly remember taking the first pill and waiting for the thoughts to be gone but they were still there and I got incredibly upset!! It seems a bit silly now though. It takes time and I think that time's a healer in itself for this horrible thing!

Sorry bit long and rambly but feel free to ask any more questions!

Oh and we actually had a nice day out planned today but my little one had a terrible sleep (we are attempting sleep training!!) And she's currently fighting a nap so it looks like this is our day now lol. How is your day going with baby?