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Intrusive thoughts

560 replies

Mumtotwoxo · 03/03/2021 12:43

I have just had a baby 10 weeks ago. I was doing well apart from small panic attacks from my anxiety that I’ve suffered with for years. The other day out the blue I started having intense panic attacks where I can’t sleep and intrusive thoughts that are extremely scary and real. I feel like a bad mum. Has anyone suffered this too? Reached out to my gp and now referred to a MH nurse.

OP posts:
Blackopal · 14/03/2021 14:38

I really don't know about the drug interactions but sure your doctor would be on top of it. X

Blackopal · 14/03/2021 14:39

Absolutely brilliant that you slept well last night.

TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 15:23

That's fantastic - what brilliant news. Sleep is such a factor. Non of us can cope well without sleep, even without anxiety.

I'm good thanks, just had a massive cream tea!

Sounds like you're doing really well staying on top of things xx

Interested in this thread?

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Mumtotwoxo · 14/03/2021 17:50

@Blackopal scared for tonight incase I can't sleep without it x

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Mumtotwoxo · 14/03/2021 17:52

@TheLumpySofaCushion a cream tea?
Hoping I sleep ok without the medication tonight! Sadly only thing I haven't managed to tackle yet is dealing with baby - gutted and angry at myself. X

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TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 18:06

Ah, @Mumtotwoxo - don't you worry at all about that.. if you had flu or surgery, you wouldn't be able to either. Plenty of poor mums are in hospital for weeks without their children. This illness is just the same.

You will enjoy your baby even more when you feel better.

Also don't worry about sleeping tonight... if you still have some Zopiclone, maybe take half?

Mumtotwoxo · 14/03/2021 18:14

@TheLumpySofaCushion I feel myself avoiding him at all cost and it's just out of fear. Will it go away?
Yeah I'll possibly take half it's my last tablet x

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TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 19:07

[quote Mumtotwoxo]@TheLumpySofaCushion I feel myself avoiding him at all cost and it's just out of fear. Will it go away?
Yeah I'll possibly take half it's my last tablet x[/quote]
It will definitely go away, @Mumtotwoxo . You don't need to avoid him. Sit with him with your mum and have a cuddle.

When is your next MH appointment?

Mumtotwoxo · 14/03/2021 19:20

@TheLumpySofaCushion it just feels like I can't there's a barrier there, struggling real bad.
Tomorrow morning I'm sure x

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TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 19:32

Have a good chat with them, tell them how you are and what you're feeling.

How long is your mum with you?

Mumtotwoxo · 14/03/2021 19:46

@TheLumpySofaCushion yeah I have told them but it's just time and practicing my mind to change. A week today x

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TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 19:52

Ah, you're so young too, my love.

Bloody unfair but you a wise head on young shoulders.

I've gone from where you are now, to being absolutely fine, confident, in control, comfortable,

Getting to grips with the anxiety & intrusive thoughts (over time) was the best thing that ever happened to me.

You'll get there too xxx

Mumtotwoxo · 14/03/2021 20:27

@TheLumpySofaCushion what made you gain control again was it purely down to medication? I've managed 7 out of 10 chapters of my book on intrusive thoughts and I'm determined to finish it.
Did you use meditation, books, cbt or anything else?
Thank you for your help you have been fantastic to me the last couple days xx

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TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 20:55

I'm really impressed that you've read so much of the book. That's so great.

I let my intrusive thoughts go on for a longish time - I was so terrified to tell my DH as I just couldn't imagine saying the words out loud. I thought my kids would be taken away, i thought I would be sectioned, I thought I would kill myself.

Eventually I had a sort of break down, and we both went to the GP who put me on medication, and i got a private referral to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist was the turning point. I said in an earlier post, I just clicked with him and he made me feel understood and trusted. When he talked about OCD at first I just didn't relate to it; I'd always been a 'are the straighteners off, check and check again' type person but I didn't associate myself with OCD at all - I imagined it must be hand washing, patterns, routines etc.

He referred me to an anxiety & OCD therapist.. I couldn't believe she was happy to have me in her clinic - didn't she think I was a danger to her? But she was incredible,

I talked about obsessive thoughts I'd had on my life but hadn't recognised, and then how they had spiralled after having a baby, hormones and responsibility.

One of her questions was always "why?'.

Eg. I'd say, "as a passenger in a car on the motorway, I'd be paralysed with anxiety that I'd pull the handbrake on".

And she'd say "why would you do that?'

And I'd say, "I don't know, just what if I did?"

She'd say "and would you?"

And I'd say "no, I guess not!"

That's a flippant example but she'd use the technique with the more hideous stuff too.

TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 20:56

Long post, sorry!

Mumtotwoxo · 14/03/2021 21:22

@TheLumpySofaCushion if you don't mind me asking, how did you cope throughout your day and night with having those thoughts whilst looking after your kids? You sound so inspirational and I'm so glad I've managed to speak with someone like yourself.
Right now I'm in a rut, seeing little light and terrified of my own mind but I hope one day soon I can help someone the way you're helping me.
Do you still take medication and attend your therapist? X

OP posts:
TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 21:35

[quote Mumtotwoxo]@TheLumpySofaCushion if you don't mind me asking, how did you cope throughout your day and night with having those thoughts whilst looking after your kids? You sound so inspirational and I'm so glad I've managed to speak with someone like yourself.
Right now I'm in a rut, seeing little light and terrified of my own mind but I hope one day soon I can help someone the way you're helping me.
Do you still take medication and attend your therapist? X[/quote]

Ah, I'm not inspirational but I am calm and quite unflappable, which is a lovely feeling that I never take for granted. Having been through the horror, like you, and come out the other side, makes you a pretty balanced person in the long run.

I take 20mg Citalopram each night still and have no plans to ever stop. I have some flexibility in that I can go up to 30mg if I need to (if work is stressful, for example) but I rarely do.

I didn't need many counselling sessions, As soon as her approach clicked with me, it made sense and I didn't need to continue. The medication helped get me in the right place to take it in, which I think was crucial.
I was so tightly wound without the Meds I don't think I would have been able to process her guidance.

I have recommended her to friends over the years though, for depression & anxiety help.

I was 35 at the time, so much older than you. I wish I'd been as brave as you back then - I may have saved myself a lot of torment,

Mumtotwoxo · 14/03/2021 21:38

@TheLumpySofaCushion do you believe I'll get out of this hell?
I've stopped wishing for an end date but just wish for better days to come and to be liveable.
Did you have help with your children when you were suffering this or were you on your own? X

OP posts:
TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 21:40

Forgot to answer your question about coping.

For me, was chunks of time at a time.

15 minutes became an hour.

Go for a walk.
Go to soft play.
Do an activity.
Have a coffee.
Have a routine.

Gradually find thoughts get less.

TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 21:45

You will 100% get through this and get better. It's a temporary mental illness exacerbated by your hormones that you are getting help for.

Regarding help, i needed help for about 4 weeks, I'd say. I had help from my mother in law during the day, then my husband was home in the evenings.

After that, I was able to look after things myself again.

Mumtotwoxo · 14/03/2021 21:52

@TheLumpySofaCushion I wish I could get to see a therapist sooner rather than later but unfortunately I'm on a waiting list.
Did you feel ok sometimes (mostly during the day) then the thoughts would come rushing back to you? Like a spike of horror or is this just me?? X

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TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 22:04

Ah, definitely not just you...

You use the term 'spike', and that's the term the medics use. Your brain is 'spiking' with an intrusive thought to try and get a reaction from you. This is the most common thing with intrusive thoughts and great that you've recognised them.

My experience. For example, was you feel ok, all is normal, you're reading them a story or about to go off to sleep, and WHAM.. a hideous thought spikes in your brain that makes you think "I'm not a normal mum, I'm a monster". Makes your stomach clench, your heart race, you want to to be sick, you want to curl into a ball and you can't function.

That's the reaction to the Spike that OCD wants,

If you had the hideous thought, and you're able to 'bat if away' with a 'yeah, that's a shit image but it's not me', you can break that cycle.

Mumtotwoxo · 14/03/2021 22:07

@TheLumpySofaCushion that's exactly what happens. It's usually always the same thoughts aswell (suicide, hurting kids, stories of other suicide etc) it's like a repeat of mini horror clips in my mind.
I've been trying so hard to accept the thoughts and try let them move on but they keep reoccurring, I don't think I'm doing it right Sad x

OP posts:
TheLumpySofaCushion · 14/03/2021 22:13

You are doing it right, sweetheart. It just takes time, unfortunately. Like a virus that takes a while to get over.

Your description of mini horror movies is spot on. Keep thinking of them like that, wish I had.

I can't promise that the awful reactions will go away over night but they will in time.

In the meantime, make sure the MH team know exactly how you're feeling. Be open with them and continue asking for support.

I'll check in tomorrow to see how you are xxxx

Mumtotwoxo · 15/03/2021 08:28

@TheLumpySofaCushion morning!
I took a full Zopiclone around half past 10 and slept like a baby. That's me just awake now. Racing thoughts from last night occurring but I'm going to try hard today to face some fears x

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