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Original poster

How to get over home location disappointment

99 replies

Countrysidebloos · 01/03/2021 13:21

I'm from the countryside - I don't mean suburbs, I mean like, deepest, darkest Cumbria, farming country type stuff. Miles to a main road, miles and miles to a bus stop etc etc. As a young person I wanted nothing more than to live in a large city. And now I do, and I have for 20 years. And it has been fabulous. But now I want to return to the motherland of lush green pastures and quiet. Most of all the quiet. Evening walks from your doorstep, the birdsong, the peace.

But DHs job is reliant on being near a large city. He doesn't want a long commute - fair enough. So he doesn't want to move. I get it. He met me here, he's a city boy (although not this particular city). He likes the idea of country living, but not enough to move. I can work anywhere - I'm in a profession where there are an abundance of jobs everywhere. DH is in a profession where they are linked to the big cities (or at least the decent salaries are).

But it's eating me up inside. I want to be nearer family (we aren't near any family his, or mine currently). I want to be out of the city (currently in suburb but it's still city like).

This pandemic has brought home to me that I like the quiet, that I don't need stuff on my doorstep in the way I thought I did, I enjoy a slower pace of life and I really like walking!

How do I get over this? I need to, we aren't moving I get that. But I need to move on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Countrysidebloos · 01/03/2021 14:31

Anyone?

OP posts:

lightand · 01/03/2021 14:34

He wont compromise at all by moving somewhere near a city, but still some countryside and nearer parents?

bootlebum · 01/03/2021 14:34

Didn't want to read and run as can see this is a tough one. Is there an end in sight, would your DH consider compromising- so 5 - 10 more years in the city and then out to country for you. Would it be a financial possibility to retire early (for him). Would you consider downsizing and getting small city place and then weekend country home? I get the jobs pull but life is too short to be unhappy.

BarbaraofSeville · 01/03/2021 14:38

So definitely no chance of moving? Where are family and could your DH work near to most cities?

Can he work at home at all, or does he need to be in daily commuting distance? What sort of budget are you looking at?

There's plenty of places in commuting distance of cities like Leeds, Bradford, Manchester, Newcastle and Sheffield at least, possibly also around the Scotland central belt, that are well out into the countryside so quiet and well served for green countryside and walks.

3littlemonkeys82 · 01/03/2021 14:38

If it's making you unhappy is there really no compromise to be had? Can you find anywhere that's a bit of what each of you desire in terms of location?

I grew up in the city, moved to the countryside (although nowhere near as rural as your childhood) I couldn't get on with the slower pace, I felt like I was missing out. I moved back to a different city. In hindsight I was too young to appreciate what a more rural life had to offer me, and now with young children I would love to move again, but life wouldn't allow that now for a myriad of reasons.

I guess we end up playing this location ping pong game!

MaryIsA · 01/03/2021 14:39

We are in a similar situation. DH wants to live within walking distance of his kids (they are early 20s now) and he wanted the shortest possible commute to work.

I wouldn't mind a drive to work and would like to live in the countryside, not deepest darkest countryside, but somewhere without sirens going past the back garden, where we could literally walk out the door into the country.

We talked about it and have come to a compromise, we moved to a house with a garden and a view over a park that isn't going to be built on. Lots of trees and greenery but he can still walk to work, we can walk to pubs, restaurants and the cinema.

And we are going to move more into the country when he retires. That isn't that long for us. He wfh all the time now but he still wants the 'city' life (we don't live in a city but we live in the biggest place where we do live).

We get out to the country side for walks every weekend - and have a dog now as well.

So the compromise was I get to look out at greenery and hear birds and know that we will move to the countryside.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 01/03/2021 14:45

If DH's job is reliant being near a large city you still have loads of options. Depending what 'near' and 'large' actually means, of course.

For eg I live a 15 minute train journey outside Edinburgh in a place that feels somewhere between a town or a village. Within 5 mins I could be somewhere that feels very rural indeed.

Branleuse · 01/03/2021 14:54

surely there is a lot of compromise to be had there. You can live on outskirts of a town, or a short drive from a city but rolling countryside on your doorstep in many areas

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 01/03/2021 14:56

Sorry you're going through this, it's a horrible feeling. I had a similar wish a I did it... And it's been the biggest mistake I ever made... I would do anything to turn back time. Far away hills are greener and your whole life has been built where you are now. Think of your neighbourhood, your friends, schools (?), your work colleagues etc. It's a hard break for all of that to be removed forever. Your home place will always be there, to visit, to stay in, maybe you can buy a holiday home there one day? I feel very much for you. It is terrible to feel like you're in the wrong place.

minipie · 01/03/2021 14:59

I wonder if you could stretch to a city flat plus country bolthole - so you’re city based in the week but countryside at the weekends? Country bolthole could eventually become sole home at retirement stage.

Do you have DC at home - presume not? How far off is retirement?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/03/2021 15:00

I'm Cumbrian OP, from farming stock, so I feels your pain. I settled in the midlands after university, and our blended family is here, and DD further south, so I can't see me getting Home any time soon. I remember how beautiful it is round about junction 35 on the M6. I stay as often as I can. Then I realise what a townie I've turned into when it's a 90 minute round trip to get a key cut. Maybe when I am old and have enough keys.

oohmyback · 01/03/2021 15:01

Agree with the others. We live on the edge of town. To the fight of my estate is a road which leads to Sainsbury's and other retail, 10 mins into town. Behind my house is farmland and lots of countryside, I can walk cross country to my parents village.

Neither of us work here but we're close to the motorway junction and have 30 min commute.

There'll be somewhere like that for you I'm sure!

oohmyback · 01/03/2021 15:02

Front not flight

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/03/2021 15:08

Some friends of mine love Cumbria, and have bought a holiday cottage in Penrith, which does not have the silly prices of inner Lake District. In years to come, would that sort of thing be an option, maybe renting it out to pay towards it?

Labobo · 01/03/2021 15:10

Move to the absolute outskirts of a city. That's what we did. A village that is easily commutable to the city but with walks on your doorstep, fresh air, birdsong, wild deer, woods and farms. It's the perfect balance if one of you loves city and the other loves countryside.

JeezusHChrist · 01/03/2021 15:24

This is tricky OP. If you move somewhere more rural and closer to your family, your DH will become as unhappy as you are now.

I moved from a city 10 yrs ago, with my DH and our young DC's , to a rural village when i was 39. I met my DH in the city where i grew up as he was working and living there. My DC's and i have hated it. Found it hard to make friends and community as everyone lived here forever and had established networks already. Didn't need any new additions to their lives. I did everything to make friends and create a community for myself and our family. Eldest DC left 2 yrs ago, at 19 , back to where we are from,as secured an apprenticeship. Only comes back here to see me and his having a great life with all his old sch friends. Youngest DC has same plan.

My DH and i divorced 3 yrs ago because he wasn't listening to me or understanding my unhappiness. I had had enough and wanted to affect change for myself. Now, i am free to make my own choices, i am moving with my youngest ( last sch yr ) back to a city, our city and close fo my oldest. In the 10 yrs i have been here, my dad died and i lost regular contact with most of my old friends and lovely neighbours due to distance. The relationships i had , have all but gone. Moving here has had a hugely detrimental effect on my quality of life. I was always busy and amongst people. Here i see no one and neither do/did my DC outside of sch as parents cannot be bothered to drive their children ( no public transport). I work and then home and that is it. Youngest DC and I will move back now but nothing can undo the horrible, lonely last 10 yrs we have had and all that we have lost and missed out on. I blame EX DH for bringing us here. He now also accepts it was his wish , not mine.

If you want to be rural and your DH wants to be city you may have to agree to disagree and go your own ways. If you have any Dc's you need to consider want they want as well, as rural living is frustrating and very limiting for kids who are used to city life! Opportunities are poor for them also.

I think you are between a rock and hard place. Moving rurally may be yr gain but yr husbands loss and vice versa. My ex DH is staying in this area as it suits him and his mum is close by. Sad thing is when his mum passes ( she is very late 80's and his only remaining family ) , our Dc's ( his only family left) will be miles away and he will then have to travel to see them. His friends have all married now and had families and moved away , somewhere better , yrs ago. In my mind he always did what suited him best and least inconvenience to his life. He has yet to see the full picture and implication of him not putting his families happiness above his own. Maybe he will like sitting on his own with his rural vista. Makes no odds to me and the Dc's anymore.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 01/03/2021 15:29

I totally get that heartbreak of those lost years but best of luck with the move back!

Original poster

Countrysidebloos · 01/03/2021 15:33

As this is a new name, I'm just going to give details!

We live in Greater Manchester and my parents live South of Cockermouth.

We live on the outskirts to the West but it isn't very rural.

I feel that the area between isn't very nice - Preston and Bolton sort of areas but may be I'm being prejudice? DH currently has a 20 minute commute plus walk to and from the station making it about 40 minutes door to door. He doesn't want it longer than this, which I get - I used to have an hours commute and 1hr 15 home and when I stopped I realised the toll it had taken on me, so I'm supportive of that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Countrysidebloos · 01/03/2021 15:41

We have 2 kids - 2&5

OP posts:

Original poster

Countrysidebloos · 01/03/2021 15:45

I think you are between a rock and hard place. Moving rurally may be yr gain but yr husbands loss and vice versa.

Exactly. It's a very different life. I don't want to make him unhappy but I don't want to be unhappy myself.

OP posts:

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/03/2021 15:52

Walmer bridge is lovely places to live and a very short drive from Preston.

Original poster

Countrysidebloos · 01/03/2021 16:08

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

That's interesting. I am concerned we would feel like that, I wouldn't want to uproot the kids twice.

I guess that is part of my concern of moving more outskirty than we are now - a sort of half way house that suits no-one, uproots everyone and makes us all equally miserable!

The big pull for me is family I think. Obviously there isn't that for DH (he doesn't want to move closer to his).

OP posts:

DavidsSchitt · 01/03/2021 16:11

You're only a couple of hours away but as you can work anywhere why don't you buy a little cottage that you can air b&b when you're not using it and maybe spend extended periods during the school holidays there?

Seems a decent compromise

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 01/03/2021 16:19

The family pull was there for me too... It just wasn't what I had pictured and I have become v involved now in care for elderly DPs, which I don't resent but it is. Massive part of my one time carefree life!!

Original poster

Countrysidebloos · 01/03/2021 16:24

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

You're really helping! Thank you.

Maybe it won't be what I'm imagining. I need to imagine it in the miserable grey weather and not the current glorious sun.

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