How to get over home location disappointment

[Countrysidebloos]

I'm from the countryside - I don't mean suburbs, I mean like, deepest, darkest Cumbria, farming country type stuff. Miles to a main road, miles and miles to a bus stop etc etc. As a young person I wanted nothing more than to live in a large city. And now I do, and I have for 20 years. And it has been fabulous. But now I want to return to the motherland of lush green pastures and quiet. Most of all the quiet. Evening walks from your doorstep, the birdsong, the peace.

But DHs job is reliant on being near a large city. He doesn't want a long commute - fair enough. So he doesn't want to move. I get it. He met me here, he's a city boy (although not this particular city). He likes the idea of country living, but not enough to move. I can work anywhere - I'm in a profession where there are an abundance of jobs everywhere. DH is in a profession where they are linked to the big cities (or at least the decent salaries are).

But it's eating me up inside. I want to be nearer family (we aren't near any family his, or mine currently). I want to be out of the city (currently in suburb but it's still city like).

This pandemic has brought home to me that I like the quiet, that I don't need stuff on my doorstep in the way I thought I did, I enjoy a slower pace of life and I really like walking!

How do I get over this? I need to, we aren't moving I get that. But I need to move on.

Surely there are lots of countryside locations that are easily commutable to the city?

I might float the idea of a holiday home.

Its a hard one op. One of you is going to have compromise , if you want to remain a united family. The one who does compromise will then have to accept and embrace it and not bring it up in arguments etc. Give fully to that way of life.

My youngest was 5 was when we left our city ( London) and still in contact with old nursery and reception friends to this day, thanks to Insta. I thought 5 was young enough to uproot a little person, they will forget, turns out they don't. Now they are young adults, they talk to me about the move and-how they felt, it was quite damaging. Their little friendships have stood the test of time. Both of my DC's have remained in touch with primary and nursery friends and in the case of my eldest, they are his main circle now, not the rural ones he spent 7 yrs with.

As a mum of 2 now grown DC's, they hated the rural nature of here. They hated the no public transport, resented the lack of opportunity. They felt trapped and isolated. The quiet , the lack of friends knocking on the door to play. The lack of next doors kids, their same age, their friends, piling over the fence and into our paddle pool on a hot summers day. Climbing over the fence to retrieve your football and the neighbours mum is your mums friend so gives them a orange squash and says "tell mum i will be over this Friday for wine night". Became frustrated at nothing doing here and no where to go. There are no neighbours , we are detached and villagers like that and patrol their boundaries for any rogue tennis balls that infiltrate their lands. Most neighbours are over 100 yrs old. No children's voices ring out here, no climbing and hoping of fences, no sch holiday hose pipe garden fun, no ball games, no football outside, no impromptu cricket matches. No mums chatting, no teas , no conversation. Place is dead.

You have to get a train, mums taxi and mums funding to pay for that, as a young adult/teenager and want to go anywhere . The late teenage kids here go to London/ Leicester/Birmingham/Sheffield/ Manchester/The mighty Pool/ Essex/South Coast all for fun and something to do. They are limited to train times. Of all the kids who were in my eldest DC's 6th form yrs 12. & 13 not one remains in our or surrounding villages . They have all left home and gone away to uni or apprenticeships, unlikely to return.

Op , pls think carefully before inflicting relocating your family to a rural environment.

I really feel for you op, I'm a country girl too and have a strong desire to live in the countryside. I used to check how partners felt about this just like I checked whether they wanted dc etc.

What I would say, is if a move isn't possible then focus on the positives. The countryside is great for small dc, but dc don't stay small for long, and there are definite advantages for teens and young adults in a town that I can't deny. Maybe focus on that and plan for a countryside move when you retire?

As a mum of 2 now grown DC's, they hated the rural nature of here. They hated the no public transport, resented the lack of opportunity. They felt trapped and isolated.

I felt like that as a teen, hence running away to the big city to go to uni.

Lots of my friends however didn't - the vast majority remain in Cumbria, those who left have now returned. One or two now live in London. Of my school year, I'd say 80% are still around.

"@Countrysidebloos I think you are between a rock and hard place. Moving rurally may be yr gain but yr husbands loss and vice versa.
Exactly. It's a very different life. I don't want to make him unhappy but I don't want to be unhappy myself."

Its not just you Country, you need to consider your DC's. This is a very difficult decision for you to make. I hope you and your family can find a happy place. I hope it all works out. 💐❤️

Btw: Manchester is a great place to live and raise a family, aside from London, Liverpool and Dublin,its the forth most greatest place on the planet. 😉

"I might float the idea of a holiday home."

Why not? They're cheap enough and you could go with the DCs in the school holidays and DH come and join you at weekends

Cockermouth person here . There are a fair few new housing estates going up in / around Cockermouth . Getting off the A66 / A595 and into town pastThe Trout Hotel is now a daily nightmare . Yes of course it's still quite rural, but it isn't the town it was 5+ years ago.

It’s a tough one OP, but I would also try to look to the future and think that there’s not much in the way of opportunities in that part of Cumbria, in the same way there is in Manchester.

That might not matter now, but you got to a certain age yourself and wanted to move to somewhere bigger with more to do, more work opportunities etc... your DC are likely to feel the same.

Also can you DH get a similar job with similar wages up there? I also think a good idea could be moving on the outskirts of where you are now so it feels more rural? If you’re still not feeling it then you could move back to Cumbria?

It’s a tough one. I hope you find a compromise x

@Country I felt like that as a teen, hence running away to the big city to go to uni.
Lots of my friends however didn't - the vast majority remain in Cumbria, those who left have now returned. One or two now live in London. Of my school year, I'd say 80% are still around."

Op, you are basing your choices on times gone by and by friends actions from your earlier yrs/childhood Times have changed.

My eldest is 21. Times have changed and young people have changed. What you and yr peers aspired to and will accept is now different for both my DC's generations.

I have 2 DC's with 5 yrs between them. The difference in tech and opportunity is great even between them. My eldest DC's friends have all left here and gone to uni or moved away.You are looking at life at it was , not how it is now or will be when your DC's grow.

Op, i wonder if you are looking back to a time when you were happy?
Moving back will not alter where you are in yr life now. There is no Back to The future supercar here op.

What would you like for yourself OP?

Honestly op, even what you've said has rung in my ears so many times in the last 3 years, you wanted to get away, dreamt of it, there was a reason.. I feel life is black and white now instead of colour. The 80% of people who never left, well, they're very different to you from not having left, and second you won't see them that much, I'll bet on it. Everyone has their own lives, including you, and you probably get more quality time with the ones that matter when you get home. I think a holiday home would be super. Even a rental this summer for a month.. You'd get a much better idea. After about 9m here, my then 5yo (we moved in time for primary) hurt himself and through his tears said 'I want to go home'... I felt the same We looked at going back but I was terrified of uprooting again, different house etc.

What about somewhere like Clitheroe? Some beautiful countryside up that way although the train journey would be over an hour.
Todmorden or somewhere that way East of Manchester would get my vote. Some beautiful countryside and only half an hour into Manchester.

[quote JeezusHChrist]@Country I felt like that as a teen, hence running away to the big city to go to uni.
Lots of my friends however didn't - the vast majority remain in Cumbria, those who left have now returned. One or two now live in London. Of my school year, I'd say 80% are still around."

Op, you are basing your choices on times gone by and by friends actions from your earlier yrs/childhood Times have changed.

My eldest is 21. Times have changed and young people have changed. What you and yr peers aspired to and will accept is now different for both my DC's generations.

I have 2 DC's with 5 yrs between them. The difference in tech and opportunity is great even between them. My eldest DC's friends have all left here and gone to uni or moved away.You are looking at life at it was , not how it is now or will be when your DC's grow.

Op, i wonder if you are looking back to a time when you were happy?
Moving back will not alter where you are in yr life now. There is no Back to The future supercar here op.

What would you like for yourself OP? [/quote]
^. ^
This, 1000%

Can you make a plan to relocate longer term? Something to look forward to

What would you like for yourself OP?

I'd like more of an outdoors life style. As a teen I used to love horse riding, rock climbing, canoeing and hiking and I still do, I just don't get much opportunity (especially not with the pandemic). I dislike exercise in the sense of running and gym etc but love hiking etc. I just feel I'm so indoor based. Going for a walk either involves a fair drive or is walking around streets, we've very little green space.

I wouldn't expect to see friends very often, I dont now (outside of the pandemic) my friends are very dispersed. I enjoy walking alone/ with the kids.

This was something I missed from the old place! Have you a favourite place to walk even if it is a drive? How often do you or could you manage to get there? What about the other activities? Are there possibilities for those things?

As for my kids, they may decide to move away, fair enough. It if we stay in Manchester we may though. Both DH and his sister moved away from a large, popular city to different cities, then both relocated again to different cities. No one knows what they'll do in the future, they may emigrate!

Someone else mentioned Clitheroe, I was going to suggest that. Or one of the villages so whalley, Waddington etc. Loads of people live here and commute into Manchester. Both Clitheroe and whalley have train stations,

I think I would give it 6 months and see how you feel.

I suspect a large part (not all but a large chunk) of how you are feeling is down to having small children during a tough winter in a pandemic. You may be undervaluing city facilities/local friendships as a result, and overvaluing country walks.

You’re thinking of the activities you used to do as a teen but with two small kids and a dog how much of those would you get to do?

Yes clitheroe could be good

"@Countrysidebloos I'd like more of an outdoors life style. As a teen I used to love horse riding, rock climbing, canoeing and hiking and I still do, I just don't get much opportunity (especially not with the pandemic). I dislike exercise in the sense of running and gym etc but love hiking etc. I just feel I'm so indoor based. Going for a walk either involves a fair drive or is walking around streets, we've very little green space. "

But this is just not all about you sweets. You have a husband and children. What do you want them to do ? Fall in line with you?
Can you consider that they are 3 individual people who are happy where they are ? Who do not fit in with you with your rural wants? They are happy where they are.

If you want to move,move alone. Please do not drag other city dwellers into your rural idle. You are looking to drag your Dh and DC info a bygone age where they will be unhappy. Why would you drag 3 people into misery, so you the 1 , could be happy?

You may be undervaluing city facilities/local friendships as a result, and overvaluing country walks.

Possibly. I do not miss the city facilities at all though! Hadn't been in the city for at least 12 months pre-pandemic.

But this is just not all about you sweets. You have a husband and children. What do you want them to do ? Fall in line with you?

You sound very combative. My kids are 2&5, they don't really have a life here. And who says they'll be miserable, just because you were? You sound very bitter.

@JeezusHChrist and if you read my thread title it's about how to get over this. And if you read the OP DHs issue is job and commute, not countryside lifestyle.

We are on west pennine moors and DH commutes (normally) to Manchester. It’s not Lake District beautiful but it is rural, plenty of opportunities for outdoor activities.
But...now DD is heading to her tweens I can see if we were any more rural it would be a massive pain for her to independently see friends, get to High school, eventually have a PT job without me being mums taxi. I like that we have a mixture of access to country - 10 minutes walk from the front door and I’m in the hills, with having access to public transport and being able to drop into friends locally without driving.

I lived very rurally before DH and I got together and I have periods of woe where I want to be in the deep countryside again. I can see that family life wouldn’t work as smoothly if we did make that move though.