How to get over home location disappointment

[Countrysidebloos]

I'm from the countryside - I don't mean suburbs, I mean like, deepest, darkest Cumbria, farming country type stuff. Miles to a main road, miles and miles to a bus stop etc etc. As a young person I wanted nothing more than to live in a large city. And now I do, and I have for 20 years. And it has been fabulous. But now I want to return to the motherland of lush green pastures and quiet. Most of all the quiet. Evening walks from your doorstep, the birdsong, the peace.

But DHs job is reliant on being near a large city. He doesn't want a long commute - fair enough. So he doesn't want to move. I get it. He met me here, he's a city boy (although not this particular city). He likes the idea of country living, but not enough to move. I can work anywhere - I'm in a profession where there are an abundance of jobs everywhere. DH is in a profession where they are linked to the big cities (or at least the decent salaries are).

But it's eating me up inside. I want to be nearer family (we aren't near any family his, or mine currently). I want to be out of the city (currently in suburb but it's still city like).

This pandemic has brought home to me that I like the quiet, that I don't need stuff on my doorstep in the way I thought I did, I enjoy a slower pace of life and I really like walking!

How do I get over this? I need to, we aren't moving I get that. But I need to move on.

My ds also left at 5 and he found it very hard for sure, especially first year but I don't think keeping up that amount of contact, when so young and meeting new people, is the best tack tbh. It doesn't help with the moving on to the new life. My dc is 8 now and despite always chatting openly about the old place I know in his heart he has forgotten a lot, the key people of course he remembers but he sees them maybe once a year. OP I hope you feel more at peace now.

@DavidsSchitt well I am not. I am just offering my experience of a similar situation. Totally sober and alcohol free.

Maybe you should lay of the Gin/Prosecco. It may help you post you post more sensibly in the future. Queue idiotic smily face emoji .

😜

@And you sound a bit pissed

And you sound quite bitter and miserable with your lot.

@DavidsSchitt and that was meant for you. I am soo drunk ....on life ... i made a typo!

"And you sound quite bitter and miserable with your lot."

Oh the irony

"Queue idiotic smily face"

*Cue

What about Cheshire? Obvs it depends on where he works in Manchester, but generally there is rural places commutable.

I’m not sure it’s so much rural, I think you’re romanticising being next to your family and your child hood, where as you also admit you were desperate to get away as a young adult. Do you really want this for your kids?

Ignoring the possibly drunk and definitely aggressive disruptive poster ... OP, would your H be open to a move if he can commute comfortably? If so then perhaps you can get him to set some parameters (both geographical and future timescale) and look within those constraints. Is he willing to move to the Lakes if he could find a job, or is he definitely wanting to stay within range of the current job? Would he be willing to downscale in your current location in order to get a weekend bolthole in Cumbria? I think you need to have a conversation with him and explore creatively all the possibilities.

*Do you really want this for your kids?"

Meh, I think lots of teens go through a wanting to be elsewhere. I went to uni in s very nothing city, but it was massive to me. I had friends at uni that came from London, Manchester, Dublin, Liverpool etc most were just wanting to get away (it wasn't a prestigious uni, not one you'd 'aim' for) from a place they knew and that knew them. Same for me. I never hated where I grew up, I just wanted something different. I only didn't return after uni as my ex boyfriend lived back home and the thought of seeing him was just too much! So I stayed where I was, met DH and we moved to Manchester. My much, much younger siblings have never left. Lots of people I know left for uni, most returned.

I moved around a reasonable amount as a kid, until I was 12 and it never bothered me but I appreciate others may feel differently.

We had the same dilemma until recent years when we did move out into the country. My DH’s job flexibility changed and we were able to so appreciate that may not work for you but if the opportunity does ever arise...unlike some rather emphatic opinions here, we’re very pleased with our decision and I was happy as a child when my parents made the same move.

Cheshire could work, though it's further from my family.

Yes DH is open to living more rurally, if it's commutable.

"@CallforHecate Ignoring the possibly drunk "

I assume you mean me? The tea total poster? She is also 50 and has poor sight now, so her typos are clear evidence of drink? Ok then!

Ok presumably he’s commuting to central Manc? Have you considered the Peak District? I guess the more fundamental question is, is this about wanting to be closer to the countryside in general, or about wanting to be nearer your childhood home / family in particular? I think there are answers or options for both but it’s worth thinking about ... ? It’s good that your H sounds open to compromise. It’s just about finding the right balance for you both.

CLEVELEYS!!

Accessible to the lakes and cities, by the beach and country walks. It's perfect

If you're both flexible about living rurally and him commuting an hour or less into a city, York could suit.

@Countrysidebloos

Cheshire could work, though it's further from my family.

Yes DH is open to living more rurally, if it's commutable.

Maybe the answer is to compromise, both of you.

I’d be careful here.

Compromise means you won’t necessarily be living in the place you remember from childhood. Just because somewhere is rural doesn’t mean you will feel the same about it or even like it.

The pandemic has made many people feel dissatisfied with their lives. There is limited benefit to living near a city at the moment because everything is closed. While you may not be a city person at the best of times there are advantages for your husband and children.

I speak as someone whose DH is desperate to live rurally despite the fact this would significantly impact on work opportunities for us both. Unfortunately he is generally someone for whom the grass is always greener so I’m not going with his fantasy.

If you can compromise do. However a compromise means you don’t get everything you want so it may not be the idyll you wish for.

"Compromise means you won’t necessarily be living in the place you remember from childhood. Just because somewhere is rural doesn’t mean you will feel the same about it or even like it."

I agree. Those suggesting Cheshire and York and, erm, Cleveleys - have you ever been to or spent any time near Cockermouth?

They are worlds apart and further away from the OPs family, which is really what this is about. Cheshire is nothing like West Cumbria.

You feel a million miles away now but this pandemic and the restrictions will soon be over and a holiday cottage up there would give you the freedom to visit for extended periods each year. Best of both worlds.

I live in South Manchester, the tram system can get you into town in 20 minutes but it feels much less city like. Easy access to the countryside, lots of national trust places nearby.

Would that be an option? No where near rural but maybe a compromise.

I think if you are going to do it, now is the time as you could get to know people at the school gate.

However I'm concerned that life rurally may not be like you remember it.

My DstepM lived in a small village and was constantly ferrying her children about in the car as the catchment area for the local school was so wide. Friends lived at least 5 miles away there were no regular buses. As teens they would have had to get an expensive taxi home after a night out so she would be out to pick them up at 2am etc.

My DC could walk to school and walk home from the tram at night.

My PIL live in a village and it is a nightmare now that they are in their 80s. FIL really shouldn't be driving but the bus that used to be once a day is now a couple of times a week. The village shop cum post office closed a couple of years ago so there is chuff all there. Supermarkets are about a 20 min drive away so taxis are quite expensive. The local GP practice is hopeless but it's the only one for miles.

My parents in suburbia can walk everywhere and have a choice of GPs. Buses are regular.

DH is like you and wants to live in the country. We are compromising. When DC have left home and we retire, if he finds somewhere, we can have 10 years or so in the country before moving somewhere sensible again as we become more elderly.

Op my family made a big move a few months ago and it's been the best move we ever made. Moved from SE England (medium sized city- we were in the centre of town ), to another country in the Uk, 5 miles outside the city I grew up in. Most importantly I'm near my family now and childhood friends, who thanks to SM we never lost contact with and it's been great being able to see people and have family around for my dc.

My dc (10) had great friends in old city and they've been having regular video calls, instigated by friends in old city. These have started to reduce as my dc has made new friends and has told me she's moved on.

I would think about what is your priority- in countryside (any countryside?) or near family? Given your dh's commute you may not be able to have both, then you may have to think about if a compromise where nobody gets what they really want is worth it.

I totally get where you are coming from. Only you can know what to do, and all relationships have an element of compromise. We have recently moved from a busy city to a rural community (back to where I grew up). There are elements about the city I miss, but it has to be said I really love being 'home'. However, DH also loves it here and I'm sure we would feel very different if I dragged him here kicking and screaming.
Something worth considering is that the world is very different now - there are more companies that allow remote working. Is this something your DH definitely couldn't do?

How are you feeling Countryside? I don't know if it's because of your thread but I have been dreaming of some day returning to my old place... Unlikely for financial reasons so I need to stop I know!!

To be fair OP living on the outskirts of large cities and living in greater Manchester are 2 very different things!

Manchester basically starts at gossip and ends at Liverpool. It's just a big urban sprawl.

There could be a compromise.

Couldn't his work be based out of carlisle? Cockermouth to Carlisle is only 40 minute commute

If you are miserable then he needs to compromise

*Glossop!