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Original poster

a former colleague/friend has killed himself and I feel angry

119 replies

Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 10:45

First things first - this is someone who was a part of my life and whom I worked alongside for perhaps 5 years and who left our town three years ago. So this is not my tragedy but we did touch each other's lives.

He was one of those people who wear a smiley mask IYSWIM. I guess I always knew it was a mask.

I found out today that he has taken his own life and I feel angry because the children are young - primary school age.

I have never felt this way before about a suicide, I have always just felt sympathy. My son's reaction was "poor Mr X".

that's it - don't know what I'm trying to say really.

And fuck Covid, as I presume something about this year's pressures had something to do with all this.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 01/03/2021 11:21

No good parent wakes up and decides to kill themself and abandon their dc. I significantly doubt that he chose to have the experiences that led to him doing such an extreme thing.

Feel angry about the situation, but don't blame him.

UhtredRagnarson · 01/03/2021 11:24

It’s grief and shock OP. It doesn’t always come out as sadness. Sometimes it comes out as anger that we can’t really explain. If we were to be logical we would say you don’t really know anything about why he did it and there’s no point trying to guess. Just be gentles with yourself. He mightn’t have been a close friend but it will still have an effect on you.

BaggoMcoys · 01/03/2021 11:25

One of my parents seriously attempted suicide when I was younger, and I felt angry about it for years. I think it's normal for us to feel anger around this issue, it's just a bit taboo to talk about it because people assume you lack empathy or are cold hearted etc.

oreo2020 · 01/03/2021 11:26

You cannot be angry with someone who was clearly mentally unwell.

capercaillie · 01/03/2021 11:28

A friend of mine killed himself 20 years ago - I still occasionally feel angry with him, but also sadness and loss. It’s a difficult thing to experience so be kind to yourself.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 01/03/2021 11:29

Oh that must have been quite a shock to the system. Why do you think your reaction is so different this time?

Woebegonad · 01/03/2021 11:31

You cannot be angry with someone who was clearly mentally unwell

You absolutely can. Maybe you shouldn't - but that's a different thing.

Don't beat yourself up, OP. It's normal and natural to be angry. Don't let people tell you to choke down your feelings.

IstandwithJackieWeaver · 01/03/2021 11:31

I'm sorry for your loss - it's shocking news.

Feeling angry is a normal stage of the grieving process. A friend killed themselves a number of years ago, leaving a young family and it really disturbed me - I knew some of what was going on and actually had nightmares about the circumstances of the death when I found out.

For someone to take such a drastic step, it helps to understand that they were probably thinking this was their only option and also that it was best for their family. If you are thinking rationally that's simply not true, but it's how it seemed to them at the time.

Gliblet · 01/03/2021 11:36

You cannot be angry with someone who was clearly mentally unwell

You absolutely can and it's a completely normal stage of experiencing grief. It can take time to sort out whether you're angry with the person, the situation they were put in, the situation they left behind, and whether indeed you ARE angry or the anger is how your emotions are coming through right now because you don't have the 'bandwidth' or the opportunity to express sadness and confusion, or because it's made you worry about something in your own experience. It all takes time to unjumble.

AdaColeman · 01/03/2021 11:38

Experiencing anger is quite a normal part of the emotions related to grief and loss, and suicide makes mourning even more complex.

I hope his family get the support they will undoubtedly need.

JoyOrbison · 01/03/2021 11:39

If he had been involved in a car accident, for example, there would be another driver you could "blame" and place your anger on.

Here you need to try and find some one,/ something to blame, to direct your anger to. But, physically, there is just your former colleague involved, so it's hard to apply your anger and hurt because they have gone and left their family... But what place were they in to do that? It's unlikely they were driven to do this purely to hurt others, he must have been so unwell, struggling so much, but it may be hard to reconcile feelings of sadness that he was so unwell and hurting so much with the hurt he has left behind.

Death by suicide doesn't remove the pain the person is going through, it transfers it to those left behind.

Original poster
Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 11:41

Gliblet - thank you.

"Why do you think your reaction is so different this time?" I don't know - I assumed it was because of the shared experience we had of parenthood/duty to our children. But perhaps it's because this is the person closest to me who's taken his own life - so in some level I may feel like I should have done more as we did touch on his depression? I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 11:43

yes Joy that makes sense.

Another really good colleague on whom I depended died of cancer before Christmas and I felt angry with cancer/"god"/the universe that shitty people were left alive but he had gone.

OP posts:
InTheNightWeWillWish · 01/03/2021 11:44

It’s grief. It’s not rational and people telling you shouldn’t be angry with someone because they were mentally unwell just makes you feel angrier and even more shit.

My main emotion at the passing of my aunt was anger. Anger at me, anger at her, anger at her friends who turned her funeral into some sort of carnival, anger at cancer. Very little sadness but just anger for months and months and months. Obviously it’s not logical to be angry at myself or her for cancer. It’s not logical to be angry at your friend or this year or whatever else you find yourself being angry at. But grief isn’t logical. So you don’t need to feel shit for feelings anger, it’s as equal to crying and feeling sad.

Original poster
Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 11:44

re his family - I think as a parent myself you have this ghastly sense of the sheer fucking length and tediousness of the journey now ahead of them. So I guess I feel angry for them. They didn't sign up for this.

It's good to talk online where there is no impact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 11:45

thanks Night - it kind of is crying and feeling sad by other means isn't it?

OP posts:
Tigerente · 01/03/2021 11:48

@oreo2020

You cannot be angry with someone who was clearly mentally unwell.
Anyone can feel whatever they want about anything! Surely it's how those feelings are expressed that matters.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you can ignore anyone who tells you what you should or should not feel.

WannabemoreWeaver · 01/03/2021 11:48

Feelings just come and go and are always ok - we cant control them and telling ourselves we 'shouldn't' feel some way is not helpful. We can decide what to do about our feelings though - trying to understand them is one of the most helpful things we can do.

Anger is not unusual in response to death. And I am guessing you are projecting how you feel about your responsibility to your children on to what he did and that is fueling some of the anger. Its a values thing. Or you are feeling guilty which is a common response - this can often convert to anger as it is easier psychologically. Not right, but easier.

One thing I would say - after working in mental health for 20+ years - yes we can see suicide as selfish because if affects other people. But people who kill themselves dont do it for fun, you have to feel really desperate to get to that point. It is a real shame he could not access help for himself.

iMatter · 01/03/2021 11:48

Have a think about how utterly desperate he must have felt

How he believed that his family would be better off without him

How useless he felt

How much he felt he was holding everyone back

How much of a burden he felt he'd become

How he couldn't see a way out

How the only way to escape his feeling of complete worthlessness and to allow his family the freedom to move on from his despair was to end his own life

Original poster
Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 11:53

thanks WannabemoreWeaver - that makes perfect sense. Anger is active isn't it? It's like you're doing something. When my other colleague died I had written a letter to his wife and posted it within the hour - it's better when there is something practical you can do.

and yes anyone that tells me how I should or shouldn't feel may be coming from a place of pain themselves so I'll just leave that be. Also as I say this is not my tragedy. It's for his wife to feel what she needs to feel really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 11:54

....in fact that's what I need to do ..... write to his wife before I get bogged down/stuck in "don't know what to say" mode.

OP posts:
SackofTurtles · 01/03/2021 11:56

@oreo2020

You cannot be angry with someone who was clearly mentally unwell.
Oh, I assure you you can. Someone I know found both his parents' bodies after they'd had a suicide pact. He was a student at the time. He spent years afterwards trying to get beyond the anger.
Sparklfairy · 01/03/2021 11:56

It's probably the shock making you feel this way.

I still struggle with feelings from when my friend's sibling committed suicide. My friend and others in the family were on a once in a lifetime trip and had to cut it short and organise last minute flights and all the stress that goes with it, in the midst of shock and grief.

I don't know all the details and dynamics but I thought knowing he would ruin their holiday was inexplicably cruel and selfish. Not that there's ever a good time but I struggled with that thought a lot. It doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for how desperate he must have felt.

WannabemoreWeaver · 01/03/2021 11:57

@Myneighboursdomyheadin

....in fact that's what I need to do ..... write to his wife before I get bogged down/stuck in "don't know what to say" mode.
Great idea. It will give you a practical focus, and I am sure she will appreciate it. One of the most horrible aspects of death is how many people disappear from your life because they feel uncomfortable or cant deal with their own feelings, which makes the bereaved feel more isolated. And it is ramped up immeasurably when the cause of death is suicide.

Whatever you decide to do, be kind to yourself and take care. Much love to you.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 01/03/2021 11:57

I've thankfully never lost anyone to suicide OP, but a close friend of mine died a few months ago of a drug overdose. She's been spiralling deeper into addiction for a few years, she had a lot of trauma in her past, and then one day she just took too much and didn't wake up. I definitely went through cycles of feeling devastated then angry with her. It was such a stupid pointless way to die, such a needless waste of a life. And then I feel guilty for feeling angry. It's definitely possible to feel anger towards someone when they die and I think it's because unlike someone being in an accident or getting sick or whatever, a part of you interprets the loss as being their "fault" or their "choice", even if you know that isn't a fair or true way of thinking about it. I know my friend didn't choose to become an addict and she didn't mean to hurt herself that night, but its hard to switch of those thoughts asking "why did you do it? Why didn't you just make a different choice?" Grief isn't rational like that.

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