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Original poster

a former colleague/friend has killed himself and I feel angry

119 replies

Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 10:45

First things first - this is someone who was a part of my life and whom I worked alongside for perhaps 5 years and who left our town three years ago. So this is not my tragedy but we did touch each other's lives.

He was one of those people who wear a smiley mask IYSWIM. I guess I always knew it was a mask.

I found out today that he has taken his own life and I feel angry because the children are young - primary school age.

I have never felt this way before about a suicide, I have always just felt sympathy. My son's reaction was "poor Mr X".

that's it - don't know what I'm trying to say really.

And fuck Covid, as I presume something about this year's pressures had something to do with all this.

OP posts:
InescapableDeath · 01/03/2021 13:48

((hugs OP)). He wasn't in banking, was he? One of my brother's schoolfriends back in the day ended his life this week and I'm finding that hard to process, which is silly as I haven't seen him since I was a teen. In my head he is a bright little 14/15 year old and I can't imagine what journey he went on to end his life while (to the outside world) he looked like he was doing so well. Of course I know depression doesn't work like that. It's such a shame. I just hope he didn't think no one cared. I haven't seen him since the 90s but still shed a tear.

InescapableDeath · 01/03/2021 13:48

(my brother's friend was in banking, which is why I asked, but I guess lots of people - men particularly - do this every week. It's so awful).

2020iscancelled · 01/03/2021 13:48

My therapist told me anger is the other side of pain. It’s a way of expressing our pain, an action or an output.

This is incredibly sad. I expect I would feel very angry too.

I’m really sorry for him and for anyone this has affected. Poor guy

Theunamedcat · 01/03/2021 13:52

Two fathers i know (one from high school but our children attended the same school) committed suicide in the last 12 months got to admit part of my reaction was FFS did you not think about your fucking children? but the anger was fairly fleeting and I moved away from it quite fast hopefully you will too

sunflowersandbuttercups · 01/03/2021 13:56

@Runwithtorches thanks for the info.

I still believe anger is a fairly normal reaction to grief, though. It's totally okay to be angry that someone you care about is no longer around, even if that anger is just a misplaced way of expressing pain or anguish.

MyOldSelf · 01/03/2021 13:58

I think it takes a trained professional to understand why someone would take their own life.

About 10 years ago my DH was involved in high-level sports competitions. A guy he was in contact with was in our country and my DH invited him over for dinner. He was a top athlete and run his own coaching company and went around the world doing motivational seminars. We were totally in awe of him, his confidence, and his positivity. Both DH and I felt pretty mortal next to him.

A few months later my DH and I couldn't believe it when we heard he had taken his own life. After that, I've never tried to understand why people do it. It is way too above my cognitive ability

Kendodd · 01/03/2021 14:00

My mum tried and failed to kill herself when I was a young teen. Afterward she said it was all because of me/my fault. I used to feel angry about it as an adult (can't remember what I felt as a child) I don't anymore, fuck her. I don't know how I would have felt if she'd succeeded but I fully expect angry would be in the mix.

A friend of mine who suffers from mental illness (with children) has said that when shes felt suicidal, she just really believed her children and everyone else would be better off without her.

RandomUser18282 · 01/03/2021 14:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 01/03/2021 14:20

Grief is different for everyone.

I would just like to add, as someone who has been suicidal, I truthfully thought that my family would be better off without me. I felt so sorry for my mum for having a daughter like me even though I hadn't done anything bad. I just thought I was this awful person that didn't deserve to live. That's what mental illness does.

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 01/03/2021 14:27

It is perfectly normal to feel anger when somebody does this and it is all part of the shock and grief that you go through. Also, you are seeing the devastation that they have left behind.

From a suicidal point of view, my friend who considered it but stopped herself, said that she genuinely felt that if she did, she would be doing her family a massive favour, that they would be better off without her.

Labobo · 01/03/2021 14:31

@oreo2020

You cannot be angry with someone who was clearly mentally unwell.
You absolutely can. It may not be the preferred reaction, but it is a valid one. After all, suicide is a form of murder - no longer stigmatised as such in law, thank goodness, but he killed those children's father, he killed OP's colleague. There is a brutality to suicide as well as a deep sadness.
LalalalalalaLand123 · 01/03/2021 14:32

It really is difficult to understand OP, but in such a situation of deep darkness, one can feel that one is doing the children a favour by doing that act. I know that seems absurd, but in those depths of despair, anything can be going through one's head.

VeganCow · 01/03/2021 14:36

[quote WannabemoreWeaver]**@Sparklfairy* I don't know all the details and dynamics but I thought knowing he would ruin their holiday was inexplicably cruel and selfish. Not that there's ever a good time but I struggled with that thought a lot. It doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for how desperate he must have felt.*

To be honest, by the time someone feels that killing themself is the best option, I dont think they have much capacity to think about other people. Or if they do, the most common thing I hear (from those who failed, obviously) is that they think other people will be better off without them.[/quote]
good way of putting it, totally agree

Original poster
Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 14:39

This is all so terribly sad.

Flowers to all those who have felt suicidal and Star to all those who work in mental health services.

Over the next few days and weeks I will have the luxury of digesting, wondering, talking it over and crafting a tribute. He, his wife and kids will be on an altogether more difficult journey.

OP posts:
Bumblesbumbles · 01/03/2021 14:39

Suicide is a huge shock for those left behind. It’s fine for you to feel any emotions. I’m sure you wouldn’t but Don’t mention your anger to the family though...
The person was clearly unwell and unable to think about the wider picture though

rabbitholes · 01/03/2021 14:41

@Stompythedinosaur

No good parent wakes up and decides to kill themself and abandon their dc. I significantly doubt that he chose to have the experiences that led to him doing such an extreme thing.

Feel angry about the situation, but don't blame him.

Being a good parent or not doesn't come in to it. I'm not sure what your point is here.
Zandathepanda · 01/03/2021 14:42

Death by suicide doesn't remove the pain the person is going through, it transfers it to those left behind.

This.

And this is why you feel angry.

Roselilly36 · 01/03/2021 14:50

Unfortunately, when people are in such a dark place, they are unable to reach out, and often hide how they are feeling extremely well.

Your reaction OP, could be due to the shock, I know I felt disbelief, confusion, long before the tears came, it’s many years now since the person we knew died, but I can honestly say, I will never ever forget that awful time and the hopelessness I felt. I still wish I could turn back the clock.

Take care OP, and don’t be afraid to seek help if you feel you need to talk through your feelings.

Wife2b · 01/03/2021 14:54

Anger is part of the grief process. My Mum took her own life 3 years this month, for many months after I was just angry with her for being so selfish and not thinking of all us kids she left behind. Gradually that anger subsided and now it just breaks my heart that clearly she was in such a low place that there was no other way out. I understand now that it’s not an act that is taken lightly, that person genuinely thinks that life is not worth waking up to. It’s hard to swallow but it’s helped me come to terms with my mother’s death. Your friend made his choice, now those left behind will find a way through it because it’s all any of us can do.

thripp · 01/03/2021 14:57

@Myneighboursdomyheadin

"But, the thing is, when people are in that place, IME they are in such hideous pain. They cannot see how it affects anyone else. Because the pain is all consuming. "

I've heard this before but never really thought about it. I mean not really really thought.

The only pain I've ever known that was genuinely all-consuming was labour pain. Where it gets to a stage where you just live in a particular place and in that place there is you and there is the pain. The pain fully occupies your mind. It's pretty irrelevant if someone comes and holds your hand because you are just contracting - that is the thing you do.

I'm imagining it as being like that .

I think you're imagining it rightly. Only it's worse.

You know that labour pain will, at some point, end, and you will almost certainly have a baby at the end of it.

The pain of being alive doesn't have any potential happy ending.

oakleaffy · 01/03/2021 15:05

@Kendodd

My mum tried and failed to kill herself when I was a young teen. Afterward she said it was all because of me/my fault. I used to feel angry about it as an adult (can't remember what I felt as a child) I don't anymore, fuck her. I don't know how I would have felt if she'd succeeded but I fully expect angry would be in the mix.

A friend of mine who suffers from mental illness (with children) has said that when shes felt suicidal, she just really believed her children and everyone else would be better off without her.

There was a very moving programme about a daughter whose mother committed suicide and blamed the daughter.. It was harrowing.. but the daughter learned to forgive her mother. What an astonishing daughter she was. It was on You Tube but I think from a terrestrial U.K. tV channel.
NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 01/03/2021 15:06

It’s a completely natural reaction to death. I think especially in cases where someone has taken their own life.

A very close family member tried to take their life last year. They were thank god unsuccessful but the white hot rage I felt stayed with me for a shockingly long time. I was angry at them and angry for them. Angry that they felt this way and I couldn’t do anything to ‘fix’ it. I very clearly remember kicking the absolute shit out of the recycling cardboard one night just to release the built up anger.

Feel however you need to feel.

Original poster
Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 15:09

Just to say I am reading and absorbing all the posts.

Flowers thripp and I hope you're in a place where they can reach you.

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 01/03/2021 15:28

Yes, anger is a totally normal part of the grieving process, you'll get past it but right now, that's just how you're feeling.

I had a similar experience to @BaggoMcoys, a parent who tried to commit suicide more than once during my childhood. Once he did it at a time where I'd have been the first person to find him - luckily a neighbour happened to stop by before I got home and called an ambulance. Even 30 years later I feel angry that he could do that to his child, while also understanding that he was ill and probably didn't even realize.

It's a perfectly valid emotion, OP, you care about your friend's entire family and the effect on them because you're a nice person. You can feel great sadness for your friend and anger at the same time. Flowers

mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork · 01/03/2021 15:39

In my experience, very depressed people who decide on this step have come to believed that everyone will be better off without them and they are not needed in any way. That is part of their depressive illness.

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