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Original poster

a former colleague/friend has killed himself and I feel angry

119 replies

Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 10:45

First things first - this is someone who was a part of my life and whom I worked alongside for perhaps 5 years and who left our town three years ago. So this is not my tragedy but we did touch each other's lives.

He was one of those people who wear a smiley mask IYSWIM. I guess I always knew it was a mask.

I found out today that he has taken his own life and I feel angry because the children are young - primary school age.

I have never felt this way before about a suicide, I have always just felt sympathy. My son's reaction was "poor Mr X".

that's it - don't know what I'm trying to say really.

And fuck Covid, as I presume something about this year's pressures had something to do with all this.

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 01/03/2021 12:48

@BeanieB2020

No good parent wakes up and decides to kill themself and abandon their dc

Please don't say things like this. A persons mental health doesn't have anything do to with their kids or "abandoning" anyone and this kind of attitude prevents people feeling suicidal from getting help and implies that being suicidal = bad parent.

Sure, agreed - but equally I don’t think that glorifying people who have killed themselves helps anyone either.
Original poster
Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 12:49

"I would say if you do write to your friend's wife, make sure it is not a cathartic exercise for you, whilst transferring further questions and hurt onto her."

Excellent point thank you - I will write it quickly but post it slowly IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 12:51

.... I will re-use the (verbal) tribute I gave him on his last day at work .... effectively I will write that down so that I'm talking about the him I knew and not involving myself in what's happened since. Thanks for making me wary about it.

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 01/03/2021 12:55

Really sorry to say this....I know grief hits people differently so I'm hoping that's what this anger thing is for you....but in all honesty, I can't EVER imagine being angry about a suicide. I think it's a terrible reaction, and I have known several suicides over the years, some close, some not so much.

What did you hope to achieve with this comment? Anger over someone's death is a TOTALLY normal and healthy reaction. I think this comment is hugely insensitive and massively inappropriate.

CharityDingle · 01/03/2021 12:56

@Myneighboursdomyheadin

.... I will re-use the (verbal) tribute I gave him on his last day at work .... effectively I will write that down so that I'm talking about the him I knew and not involving myself in what's happened since. Thanks for making me wary about it.
That's a good idea.
sunflowersandbuttercups · 01/03/2021 12:57

"The five stages of grief are:

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
Not everyone will experience all five stages, and you may not go through them in this order.

Grief is different for every person, so you may begin coping with loss in the bargaining stage and find yourself in anger or denial next. You may remain for months in one of the five stages but skip others entirely"

www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#order

HarlequinOrka · 01/03/2021 13:02

No good parent wakes up and decides to kill themself and abandon their dc.

That is a very horrible thing to say, reported.

There are many brilliant parents who are unfortunately struggling with severe mental health problems which have been exasperated due to the pandemic.

OP I am so sorry for your loss, anger is a natural stage in the process of grieving - please look after yourself.

Unsure33 · 01/03/2021 13:03

I think its normal to feel anger
Years ago I worked with a lady and her brother committed suicide . the affect on her was devastating - she blamed herself as she thought should have known the signs , but actually there were none . She was angry because of how it affected her parents who were also in limbo because they had no idea he was even depressed. They had to deal with a funeral and grieving whilst really having no idea why he did it at all . I don't know if they ever got answers but I do know it affected the rest of their lives . Such a sad situation.

HarlequinOrka · 01/03/2021 13:04

@Stompythedinosaur - I keep re-reading your post and now I am confused, apologies if you meant the version that is not that he was a bad parent because he's taken his own life.

Unsure33 · 01/03/2021 13:05

@HarlequinOrka

you have no idea if it was to do with the pandemic or not .

Original poster
Myneighboursdomyheadin · 01/03/2021 13:06

"who were also in limbo because they had no idea he was even depressed"

Gosh I didn't think of that. I really really hope his close family knew that this was a part of his life. (strange thing to say becaue we usually think it's better to hide this stuff).

OP posts:
Ori21 · 01/03/2021 13:13

People who are left behind after a suicide most commonly feel anger. It's a manifestation of grief, as well as shock and fear...........fear of facing the future without that person and re-building their lives. It's ok - it is one of the preliminary stages of grieving.

Countrysidebloos · 01/03/2021 13:13

My friend killed himself last year. I was, and still am angry. I'm angry at home, at the services which failed to help him, I'm angry for him, for his children and widow and I'm angry that at myself because I didn't and couldn't help. I also feel sad, and helpless and empathy for him for how he felt he had no other option. But anger is definitely the overriding emotion.

Runwithtorches · 01/03/2021 13:15

[quote sunflowersandbuttercups]"The five stages of grief are:

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
Not everyone will experience all five stages, and you may not go through them in this order.

Grief is different for every person, so you may begin coping with loss in the bargaining stage and find yourself in anger or denial next. You may remain for months in one of the five stages but skip others entirely"

www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#order[/quote]
Just for info the original meaning of the "The five stages of grief" has been altered over the years. The psychiatrist Kübler-Ross originally developed the stages to describe the process the patients with terminal illnesses go through as they come to terms with their own deaths and she later regretted that she had written them in such a way that they could be so easily misinterpreted. More recently they have been viewed as innaccurate and in some cases unhelpful.

muddyford · 01/03/2021 13:22

My friend's son killed himself one Boxing Day. I went round as soon as I heard. The friend's husband said (friend was out) "If he walked in at this moment I would smash his face in for what he's done to his mother." I have never forgotten his anger and I don't think it's an uncommon reaction to suicide.

rawalpindithelabrador · 01/03/2021 13:29

Just for info the original meaning of the "The five stages of grief" has been altered over the years. The psychiatrist Kübler-Ross originally developed the stages to describe the process the patients with terminal illnesses go through as they come to terms with their own deaths and she later regretted that she had written them in such a way that they could be so easily misinterpreted. More recently they have been viewed as innaccurate and in some cases unhelpful.

Dear god, YES! It's thrown about all the time. Doesn't apply to 99% of things.

My aunty killed herself. Lots of judgement. She actually had terminal bowel cancer and wanted to end things before it got too bad.

CorianderBee · 01/03/2021 13:29

He must have been devastatingly unwell to the extent that normal parental reasoning is a million miles away from his experience.

He likely believed the old 'they'd be better off without me' mindset that many severely dispersed people genuinely believe.

WeIcomeToGilead · 01/03/2021 13:30

OP do you think people are in their right mind when they commit suicide? Do you think it’s rational?

oakleaffy · 01/03/2021 13:30

A lovely young man, professional worker in health .. He had suffered serious depression linked to his father leaving as a child, and his last act before dying in a tragic way was to help an elderly lady over a bridge with her heavy luggage.
She was a witness.
His family have never recovered.
Children of suicide victims really suffer anguish.
But....

No one commits suicide when they are in their right mind.

They must be at the most profound levels of despair.

Tragic.

saraclara · 01/03/2021 13:34

To be honest, by the time someone feels that killing themself is the best option, I dont think they have much capacity to think about other people. Or if they do, the most common thing I hear (from those who failed, obviously) is that they think other people will be better off without them.

That. When my best friend was suicidal, he absolutely believed that his family would be better off without him. He could not be convinced otherwise. And this is a highly intelligent and logical man.

Thank goodness that most of us DON'T understand this to be honest. Because I can't imagine feeling so incredibly distressed and down that I could honestly believe that to be the case. It is obviously literally unbearable.

blue25 · 01/03/2021 13:38

@oreo2020

You cannot be angry with someone who was clearly mentally unwell.
Not all people who kill themselves are mentally unwell. It’s a common misconception though.

Many are completely sane and make a considered decision that they do not want to live anymore. Some people’s lives are truly awful and perhaps understandably they choose to opt out.

oakleaffy · 01/03/2021 13:41

Suicide leaves destruction in its wake.
A train driver I knew was so traumatised by a suicide .. the victim’s eyes met his.. that it triggered a mental breakdown and he lost his job that he had up until that time, loved.
People in the depths of despair are not well enough to consider the impact their act has on others.
It is bad that men especially feel they cannot reach out when in this desperate place.
Often when people survive a suicide attempt, they are so happy they did.

peak2021 · 01/03/2021 13:42

Sorry to read of your friend's death.

Many years ago the former boss of a friend committed suicide, about six months after the friend had moved jobs. The former boss had a young child, indeed I remember meeting him and the former boss at the friend's wedding.

Anger was definitely something the friend felt, especially at the possible thought that had she not moved jobs, maybe it might not have happened. Whilst later on she came to the conclusion that this was not the case, like you, anger was the initial emotion.

The comment about contacting the friend's widow but not so your anger comes through and your response I think are appropriate.

Kljnmw3459 · 01/03/2021 13:45

I think anger is a natural feeling when grieving.
My friend who lost her very young child through SID said she felt anger and hate towards anyone with similar age children.

badlydrawnbear · 01/03/2021 13:46

I am sorry that you have lost a friend.
As others have said anger is a known and common reaction to death in general and, in this situation, there isn’t really anyone else other than your friend to direct that anger at, so it’s not surprising that you are angry at him.
But, speaking as a mother of young children who very seriously considered suicide recently, I struggled to reconcile my feelings with my love for my children (I still do and now feel extremely guilty for having considered leaving them), but ultimately felt that they and everyone else would be better off without me, that for my children no mummy was better than having me as their mummy. Obviously, I don’t know that your friend felt the same, but that is the kind of thinking that comes out of such a dark place.
Take care of yourself as you process your grief at what has happened.