a former colleague/friend has killed himself and I feel angry

[Myneighboursdomyheadin]

First things first - this is someone who was a part of my life and whom I worked alongside for perhaps 5 years and who left our town three years ago. So this is not my tragedy but we did touch each other's lives.

He was one of those people who wear a smiley mask IYSWIM. I guess I always knew it was a mask.

I found out today that he has taken his own life and I feel angry because the children are young - primary school age.

I have never felt this way before about a suicide, I have always just felt sympathy. My son's reaction was "poor Mr X".

that's it - don't know what I'm trying to say really.

And fuck Covid, as I presume something about this year's pressures had something to do with all this.

Not everyone who committs suicide is mentally ill.

Society would rather think it that way because it is still abhorent to think that someone could rationally and logically decide to end their life - but people do.

I have previously worked with those bereaved by suicide and can be an incredibly painful and angry place for people to be in.

In this particular case I believe it was depression because I knew of that being a part of his life - and not the part he liked.

Op Winstons Wish has resources for children bereaved by suicide.

@Stompythedinosaur

No good parent wakes up and decides to kill themself and abandon their dc. I significantly doubt that he chose to have the experiences that led to him doing such an extreme thing.

Feel angry about the situation, but don't blame him.

This first sentence really got to me....."no good parent"..........good parents can still be completely all consumed by suicidal thoughts

One of DH'S colleagues took his own life yesterday. So absolutely devastating. His colleagues are deeply upset.

Anger and despair are natural feelings for those affected by suicide, but nothing compared to the feelings of absolute desperation for those driven to suicide.

@8090sTv

Op Winstons Wish has resources for children bereaved by suicide.

Just don’t buy the winston wish book (muddles, puddles and sunshine) which was suggested to us and included a page where the child can draw how their loved one died.

:(

One of my siblings committed suicide two years ago. I am still angry with them. Angry at what it's done to our family, angry but also sad

There isn’t any right or wrong way to feel

I worked for a few years as a bereavement counsellor I soon learnt that there isn’t there isn’t a grief process that can be followed by a theory and that more often than not it brings up a whole load of other feelings that are nothing or little to do with the person who has died

What is important in the work is that people feelings are explored and they are accepted. I’ve worked with people who have felt anger, hate, sadness and all the expected feelings, those who have said if it wasn’t for their other children they will have ended their life (this was common with losing a child) they were not mentally unwell I absolutely believed what they were telling me that their pain was something that in different circumstances they would choose not to live with

That people feel accepted and that they feel they can themselves accept their feelings is what is most important not how others think they should feel and once most people do and are at ease with how they feel and that is what is important

@Myneighboursdomyheadin

Just to say I am reading and absorbing all the posts.

thripp and I hope you're in a place where they can reach you.

OP, that is very, very kind. Thank you.

I am ok at the moment, but I have had some bad moments.

My uncle (dads little brother) committed suicide by hanging in 2013.
I was in the police force then. My dad's older brothers wife (my Aunty) and my mum went to see him at the chapel of rest. She said to my mum "I could just climb in there with him" referring to him laid in his coffin. She died in bed a week after his funeral (alcohol and drug overdose)

I had been to a hanging in my job and I struggled to look at the man hanging from his loft. I never looked at his face, I couldn't do it. All I did was analyse him from his shoes upwards. The fact he tied his laces, tucked in his shirt, put a belt on.... wet himself, his hands and arms hanging by his side. I left that job laughing uncontrollably until I got home where I cried non stop for hours.

After that I couldn't close my eyes because all I could see was my uncle hanging in the place of this man I did not dare look at. That has never left me and I still visit him regularly. His boy is almost a grown man now

thanks for the company yesterday.

On practical note - am I right in thinking that the funeral will be delayed? or does the coroner authorise it to go ahead quite quickly?

Anger can be a normal part of grief for various reasons. Just allow yourself to feel what you feel and don't over think it. As a side note mental health services in the UK if you are in the UK are generally terrible and this man probably just never had the help he really needed.

No reason once the post mortem has been carried out that the funeral can't go ahead. There will be an inquest, but it's likely to be months down the line.

I lost a close family member to suicide last year and definitely still feel anger sometimes. I'm angry at them, angry at the universe, angry that they felt unable to let any of us in, angry at lockdown, angry that their family and very young grandchildren weren't enough to keep them here. Just, angry but also desperately sad. It's normal, I would say.

But, as well as feeling angry and sad..... I also sometimes feel relieved. Mainly for them, that they're out of it and nothing can hurt them anymore but also for myself, that the constant worry about them is over. That feels awful to say and I wouldn't say it out loud, I feel guilty for feeling like that sometimes. All the feelings really.

Carolina.

My mums death went to the coroner in Jan when she died, it took a day. At any case at the moment, funeral slots are booking further out that usual - took us almost a month to get one for mum. So, I dont think it sound affect it too much unless they decide to do more of an investigation.

thanks