I'm done. I just can't do this any more.

[steppemum]

I am usually the strong coping type. I do lots of supporting of others, I'm pretty together/organised etc etc.

But I feel like I have reached the end of all my resources.
3 teens at home, dd2 has struggled massively all through lockdown. Her not coping manifests itself as melt downs, temper, slammed doors. I spend so much energy trying to keep her on some kind of even keel and all the time I am waiting for the next blow up.
I thought she was just ticking over with school work, but since they announced that schools go back she has admitted that she has been signing off class work as done when it isn't and loads of her books are empty for much of the work that should be there from this lockdown.
she and dh keep clashing, and his response is to remove her phone, but as soon as you do that, then the rest of the day is written off for her as she goes off in a strop.
he thinks I am letting her off too lightly, but I think his approach just undoes any progress I have made with her.

Dh and I had massive row yesterday about it, after he refused to let her have her phone back, so she went from - I'll spend today catching up on school work, to - I'm not doing any schoolwork as I'm too upset.

She is a massive drama queen, BUT we are trying to get her assessed for ASD and I think there is a large dose of PDA in there, so my approach is always slightly side on, never direct confrontation.

I have so much work to do, it is dd1's birthday tomorrow, I haven't got anything for her yet, and dh won't go out as he isn't speaking to me (to be fair I haven't asked him)

We are normally fine, good marriage , but this time we are just both so cross, I don;t think we have ever done this before, but I am still cross, still don't want to speak to him, I am just exhausted with lockdown etc.

I know this is just a row, we will get past it. Not even sure why I am posting, other than because I can't focus on the work I have to do.

If I could right now I would walk away form the house, from everyone, even poor dd1 whose birthdya it is, I would just go. Anywhere. I am crying even writing that because I so much would like to step out of all responsibilities for a while.

Just feel like I can't do it any more.

I’m so sorry. I hear you, all of it. I sympathise deeply. My DH also has a polar opposite discipline style that I find deeply unhelpful with DC1, who needs more of the approach you describe. DC2 recently had a birthday and I wanted to just totally ignore it - it was a real effort to make the effort. I’d love to walk away from everyone at the moment. No solutions, I’m sorry, just a large empathetic dose of understanding.

I hear ya, it's so hard. Hand hold. I'm in a just want to run away mood right now too, thanks mostly to dd15. 😬

Can you get in touch with her form tutor asap and explain. You can't make her do the work she has missed I don't think, but you can support her to make plans to get back on track. Only one more week to go and perhaps the best thing to do is to draw a line under it all, and make positive plans for the future.

Good luck with a diagnosis. I am sure that will make a huge difference and her school will be much better placed to get the best support actioned for her.

@Lickofpink

Can you get in touch with her form tutor asap and explain. You can't make her do the work she has missed I don't think, but you can support her to make plans to get back on track. Only one more week to go and perhaps the best thing to do is to draw a line under it all, and make positive plans for the future.

Good luck with a diagnosis. I am sure that will make a huge difference and her school will be much better placed to get the best support actioned for her.

we are in touch with school. They know, but they won't let her off everything.

They know, but they won't let her off everything.

Surely as she has Autism they have to make reasonable adjustments, such as being understanding when she doesn't do work.

I am crying even writing that because I so much would like to step out of all responsibilities for a while.

Please if you run away take me with you!!! I'm not fussy where we go. I have two children with Autism and honestly I have had enough!!!

I am very happy for a few hours of freedom on the 8th

@toolazytothinkofausername

I am crying even writing that because I so much would like to step out of all responsibilities for a while.

Please if you run away take me with you!!! I'm not fussy where we go. I have two children with Autism and honestly I have had enough!!!

I am very happy for a few hours of freedom on the 8th

I started another thread last week about my dream cottage with no-one but me and the cat.

Really wish it was real at the moment.

You know what I would like to do is go home to my mum. Sounds silly doesn't it? I am 54.

I would too if it wasn;t for the fact that there is a bloody pandemic on.

@toolazytothinkofausername

They know, but they won't let her off everything.

Surely as she has Autism they have to make reasonable adjustments, such as being understanding when she doesn't do work.

resaonable adjustment also means that you do what is best for them and just letting her off everything isn't.

There is an inset day on Thursday and Mon and Tues no lessons while they test everyone back in to school, she starts wed. So she can catch upon some essentials.
She doesn't WANT to, but that is not the same thing at all

I am very happy for a few hours of freedom on the 8th

older 2 will be in on the 8th, as they are both exam years, but dd2 won't be in until wed... - staggered start

Priorities! It is your daughter's birthday tomorrow so get both kids into planning mode. What do they want to do to celebrate. Sack off the school work for now and have an end of lockdown and birthday bash. Break out of the gloom and raise everyone's spirits with cake. Next week her teachers can take responsibility for assessing what she knows and can do and what she needs to do to catch up. I expect that each teacher is already making plans for whistlestop catch ups of the essentials.

As a mother of a child with ASD, I agree it's inappropriate to think that 8 weeks of work should be written off. Especially as she's a secondary age child.

I also think that both you and her father need to take responsibility here. She has, in effect, been left 8 weeks to do as she pleases and she has done as many would if left to their absolute own devices, f all! Your responsibility as parents was to ensure that she completed her work and supported her to do so. A big self reflection on both your roles as parents is needed re her education and how you're not working as a result of combined effort in managing your daughter's needs, behaviour etc. You need to be singing from the same hymn sheet.

we are in touch with school. They know, but they won't let her off everything.

They don’t need to let her off everything but they do need to work with her to get her back on track - she won’t by any means be the only teenager in this position, and if simply telling her to do it worked, she’d have done it by now. I’d guess she’s now feeling quite overwhelmed with the impending return to school, my focus would be on making that transition as easy as possible for her.

I think so many young people have really struggled in lockdown, remote learning doesn’t suit a lot of kids and lack of social contact, routine etc all comes in to play. I too would involve her in birthday planning, take the pressure off (especially if you think PDA may be an issue) and start talking to the school about what’s realistic for her to achieve upon her return to school.

I do know of one young student, who has also pretty much sacked off eight weeks, she does have mental health issues - my dd is trying to help her focus and study and get back into habits of learning. Your daughter is not the only one.

Hold on a little while longer. . . the sun is slowly starting to shine on us more often and more warmly!

@BusyLizzie61

As a mother of a child with ASD, I agree it's inappropriate to think that 8 weeks of work should be written off. Especially as she's a secondary age child.

I also think that both you and her father need to take responsibility here. She has, in effect, been left 8 weeks to do as she pleases and she has done as many would if left to their absolute own devices, f all! Your responsibility as parents was to ensure that she completed her work and supported her to do so. A big self reflection on both your roles as parents is needed re her education and how you're not working as a result of combined effort in managing your daughter's needs, behaviour etc. You need to be singing from the same hymn sheet.

would love to tell you to fuck off, but that would get the post deleted. She has NOT at ANY POINT been left to her own devices.

So, every single morning, get her up, downstairs, on the comuter (they have live online lessons).
At beginning of each lesson, check on her, at frequent points in the day, check on her. Make sure she is online, engaged with the lesson. Check in with her at break and lunch - how is it going, are you abel to get the work done, yada, yada yada.
When she was struggling to concentrate, we found a fidget toy and a doodle pad, so her hands are occupied while she is still listening.

At end of every day, check in to see if she has done the lesson work.
The problem was, she was saying - yes I did the class work, but she didn't, she was just ticking it off undone.

LOADS od emotional support, structure etc etc etc so that she could manage the school day.

I find it REALLY FUCKING OFFENSIVE that you write a whole paragraph telling us we are crap parents, on a thread where I am saying I am struggling, where I am exhausted with the emotional supoprt she has needed for tha last eight weeks, because YES, OBVIOUSLY we have just been having a fucking party the whole damn time.

Oh, and did I mention, dh and I both work form home, so I have cut my hours back to bare minimum in order to support her, and be available during school day, but somehow I still actually have to work.

Can't get girls planning birthday stuff until after 6 pm, as they are in online lessons til 3 and then I am in a meeting til 6. A meeting scheduled for after the school day, so that I am free. Dh will be doing snacks and chat at 3:30 with them while I go and do some actual work.

You deserve a medal OP. This has been the most stressful, awful time for mothers of children with learning difficulties and challenges.

You have done your best and your husband should be supporting you, not making your life more difficult. This dynamic has been playing out all over the country. Now, it is up to the school to help you to get the assessments, support and help for your DD.

Maybe a really nice takeaway including dessert and cake will be an achievable plan for the birthday.

Ah, sympathy here op. Ignore the bollocks by a prev poster saying it's your fault.

Dh and I are mixing wfh and onsite Provision for dc, I have them sat in the same room as me while I work and 1 dc has still been able to let some (not loads, but some) things slip. Which is infuriating as I am a fucking amazing parent

There's no magic answer, but while dh favours the carrot, I favour the stick. So dc now lose phones until school work completed, revision timetable finished. If any negative feedback received retrospectively then they lose phones etc for next day.

Annoying as this is their contact during lockdown but I'm now convinced they need to see and feel an impact oto their actions, or lack of action.

I must look ready to explode most days as dh zipped dc out on Saturday and they didn't come home til 7pm!

So, can make a cake tomorrow, shopping arriving in the morning with candles, cards, and choc.
Amazon prime for a book she wanted
Main present is online tickest which I have found.
We will do gifts etc at tea time.
She's chosen the takeaway etc.

Birthday will be OK.

and dd2 came in (lunchtime) and saw we typing away ready for 2 pm meeting and made me a cup of tea. She's lovely really, I am just empty of the support she needs

It's really tricky for a lot of children and young people with ASD to record their learning, especially when at home and away from her school environment. It sounds like she has been attending to lessons but not recording anything, which is different to not doing anything. In hindsight she could have recorded her learning through speech to text technology or some other means. Why did school not know she hadn't written anything down? Personally I'm on the camp of just moving on and taking it easy, prioritising emotional well-being over rushed catch up. And that's emotional well-being for the whole family (i.e. you!) Not just your daughter!! Best of luck.

Thanks JoyOrbison.
I'm usually quite no nonsense and firm, dh and I are usually on same page.
But it has become very clear that this approach is back firing with dd2. She reacts massively to this approach. She needs a different approach, for her, if you say Do the dishwasher = kick off. If you say - What is your plan for doing to dishwahser today? She will say - no problem, I'll do it at break.
Sucj a small thing, but it makes all the differnce. Dh doesn't get it.

If your dd prefers, to handle tasks without a strict instruction to do it, would a list for her to tick off so she knows what's expected, a visible list that she can work though and tick off under her own steam during the day rather than a instruction being given help?

@steppemum
*
At end of every day, check in to see if she has done the lesson work.
The problem was, she was saying - yes I did the class work, but she didn't, she was just ticking it off undone.*
And you didn't look at any of it in the last 8 weeks, so again, parental accountability. Matters not of you have worked skeleton hours, if neither you nor her father have actually actively supported the work and not caught sight of it!

lottielob - she is veyr bright, at a super selective grammar school, and has basically been able to mask all through school until now, when it is starting to fall apart. In December we met with school and put in some plans, eg she will do a homework club at school, with a couple of others who are struggling with homework, but none of that went into action as lockdown happened.

recording things hasn't been an issue until this year. Hence the need ot get her assessed now, we have suspected it for a long time, but she was doing OK. School have been great, but there is an expectation that she will do something. She also has to learn to speak up when she is struggling, instead of hiding it until it is too late.

You are certainly not bad parents!!
As a mother of 3 myself and trying to work and homeschool at the same time, I appreciate how you feel. Youngest has learning difficulties too and some days, like you, I feel the need to run away. Bloody hell, just an hour on my own would be bloody bliss so ignore comments from the other unhelpful poster.
I'm really sorry as I have no answers, but I've just arranged to see my best friend Monday morning and it's given me a boost knowing that's happening. Can you not do something like that? Get with a friend and have a good old moan? We're just meeting for a walk but I'm sure it'll do me the world of good.

Hang on in there. X

[quote BusyLizzie61]@steppemum
*
At end of every day, check in to see if she has done the lesson work.
The problem was, she was saying - yes I did the class work, but she didn't, she was just ticking it off undone.*
And you didn't look at any of it in the last 8 weeks, so again, parental accountability. Matters not of you have worked skeleton hours, if neither you nor her father have actually actively supported the work and not caught sight of it![/quote]
Please stop posting on this thread.

You are wrong, but you are convinced that you are right and need to bash and struggling parent over the head.
Do you take pleasure in kicking someone who is struggling?
Did you read anything of what I actually said, or did you just assume (I'll help you out here, you assumed)

No I didn't check every page in every book. She is 13, not 8. She is clever and successful at school normally. She is not struggling with the subject or the tasks.
Finding the balance between support and micromanaging has been difficult. School woudl not want me to micromanage, and from my experience of her, I was not expecting the wholescale lying, which was the issue. She does not have history for lying like this.

I'm glad you know me and my dh so well that you feel free to be SO patronising rude and unhlepful.

Again, I point you to the fact that this was a thread about being at the end of my tether, about needing support Well, done. You have done the opposite. Happy now? Does it make you feel good?