I'm done. I just can't do this any more.

[steppemum]

I am usually the strong coping type. I do lots of supporting of others, I'm pretty together/organised etc etc.

But I feel like I have reached the end of all my resources.
3 teens at home, dd2 has struggled massively all through lockdown. Her not coping manifests itself as melt downs, temper, slammed doors. I spend so much energy trying to keep her on some kind of even keel and all the time I am waiting for the next blow up.
I thought she was just ticking over with school work, but since they announced that schools go back she has admitted that she has been signing off class work as done when it isn't and loads of her books are empty for much of the work that should be there from this lockdown.
she and dh keep clashing, and his response is to remove her phone, but as soon as you do that, then the rest of the day is written off for her as she goes off in a strop.
he thinks I am letting her off too lightly, but I think his approach just undoes any progress I have made with her.

Dh and I had massive row yesterday about it, after he refused to let her have her phone back, so she went from - I'll spend today catching up on school work, to - I'm not doing any schoolwork as I'm too upset.

She is a massive drama queen, BUT we are trying to get her assessed for ASD and I think there is a large dose of PDA in there, so my approach is always slightly side on, never direct confrontation.

I have so much work to do, it is dd1's birthday tomorrow, I haven't got anything for her yet, and dh won't go out as he isn't speaking to me (to be fair I haven't asked him)

We are normally fine, good marriage , but this time we are just both so cross, I don;t think we have ever done this before, but I am still cross, still don't want to speak to him, I am just exhausted with lockdown etc.

I know this is just a row, we will get past it. Not even sure why I am posting, other than because I can't focus on the work I have to do.

If I could right now I would walk away form the house, from everyone, even poor dd1 whose birthdya it is, I would just go. Anywhere. I am crying even writing that because I so much would like to step out of all responsibilities for a while.

Just feel like I can't do it any more.

Busy Lizzie

so, you saw that your last post made me cry, and decide to stick the boot in AGAIN. By repeating your wrong opinion AGAIN.

You know after that post, you could, you know, apologise, for being too harsh. You have repeated yourself now about 10 times, you are still wrong. But even if you were right, where is your bloody humanity.

I have asked you to go away, because your comments are nasty, and not helpful, in a space that was other wise very helpful.

Have you noticed how you are the ONLY ONE who is doing this? That everyone else was providing support.

Do you do this in real life? Someone is crying, but you need to put them right and tell them where they went wrong in the world according to BusyLizzie.

Oh and while you are at it throw in a lecture on how to be the best parent? What are you doing? What is going through your mind right now that you think that is the right thing or even an appropriate thing to write to someone who has just said they are crying.

Apologise Busy, for being nasty, and then, go away.

really, please, stop posting. It is not nice, and only causes more upset.

[quote BusyLizzie61]@steppemum
Look at the autism charity website and see the support available. Likewise consult your leas support network. And perhaps request a referral for camhs for her and counselling support for you.[/quote]
Gosh really?
Why didn't I think of any of that?

Very familiar with the autism website. I have 2 nephews on the spectrum and I am the guardian for my friend's son who is also on the spectrum.
She doesn't meet the threshold for CAHMS.
She has counselling once a week.
She doesn't meet any requirements for LEA because (until lockdown) she was doing well at school.

Whilst I'm so sad for everyone I'm relieved to see this post too. I'm at the end. The end of 10 months home schooling, the end of fitting work into all the corners of life it doesn't fit, the end of my patience level with ASD child, and struggled to summon the energy to sing my 2nd child happy bday today whilst her brother had been sent upstairs due to behaviour and her rubbish dad sat and watched the news in the other room.

It is exhausting, and you need to forgive yourself and focus on the days left as it really isn't long.

and I want my mum too.

@steppemum hope you are OK. Please ignore her.
I have an autistic DD, although primary age. She has not done any of the schools work, with the schools permission. Home is for home, it needs to remain a safe and calm space. School and the associated demands of school stay there.
I will not be forcing her to 'catch up' with an outdated system. Education can be lifelong and doesn't have a finite end date of 18 or 21 so we will get her where she needs to be while keeping a stable happy home.
Chin up, ignore the judgmental one. Health and happiness first. Without those, the rest won't happen. for you

BusyLizzie, does your last comment mean that you, personally, have been diagnosed with ASD? That's the only conceivable reason I can find for why you are refusing to accept the OPs repeated request to get off her thread and stop harassing her - that you can't read her tone of frustration and desperate need for support.

Because otherwise you're just being a nasty person.

OP, it sounds so so hard. If your DD2 sabotaged those prior birthdays, do you think she might be doing it as a cry for attention? It's probably the last thing you feel like doing but can you promise her a love bombing day soon? Where it's just you and her doing fun non-school stuff to reconnect?

I hope you find a way through.

Yankee - I think she ruined birthdays because she got overhwelmed by something on the day.
She was not able to put that to one side for the sake of the birthday.

@steppemum you sound like an amazing mum. You will look back at this time one day and wonder how the hell you survived it. Make sure you book some time off for you soon, go and get a cup of tea and have a walk and read a book. Your dynamic sounds like mine with my parents and though I never admitted it I was always very grateful to my mum for her gentler more empathetic style of parenting. Sod the school work. No one died. All will be well.

am so sorry OP for what you've been through and still going through. You come across as a lovely caring mom - but one that is running on empty.

On the other hand busylizzie comes across as cold-hearted, lacking insight, malicious and totally up her own arse - so in the grand scheme of things @steppemum - you're doing just fine '

Thanks all.
I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

I have no advice but I absolutely empathise with your posts OP.

I have a 9 year old son with PDA, and it is heart breaking to watch his struggle with himself, the inner conflict he has with wanting to please us and please his teacher, and the sheer overwhelm he feels by the demands of 'home learning' that cause him to melt down. We try so hard to reduce demands at home, but equally feel pressure from 'the world' to parent him in the traditional way and encourage him to fulfil his potential. Whatever I do I feel guilty.

We also have a conflict between DH and I in terms of parenting style, and we simply don't have the space, time or energy to make considered, mutually agreed decisions at the moment.

Poor DCs 2 and 3 are not getting the attention they deserve.

I'm working all hours to try and do my job barely adequately (just logged off for the night).

It's a perfect storm of stress, to be honest, and I totally feel your feelings.

@BusyLizzie61 I could believe you are one of my parents. They always think they are right, and are totally lacking in empathy when things go wrong.

I now don't tell them anything about my life because they always have to get in their opinion about it (and make "helpful suggestions" that I have already thought of, and/or are irrelevant because they only know half the context), just like your post at 22:29.

I am currently debating going NC with them because these qualities make them bloody dreadful parents.

The OP needs emotional support, not a lecture about what you think she should have done differently.

I hope you are more genuinely supportive to your DCs than you have been here. Please leave the OP alone, as she has asked. She doesn't need your "help" right now.

Goodness me @BusyLizzie61

Shocking behaviour

Hopefully today is a calmer day OP.

When you do speak to the school, if might be worth asking why they hadn't highlighted that no work had been submitted. Surely marking it was the teacher's job, not yours?

Then ask what the top few things are to prioritise catching up on. Your DD obviously can't do 8 weeks of work in one week, so something will have to be left.

Hi Op

Hope today goes a bit better

@steppemum

I hope you have a better day today 💐🍰

If your Mum lives alone, why cant you bubble with her? I know you said you can't go for a week, but could you go for the weekend?

Ignore Busy - she's not worth getting upset over.

Try to have a nice day with birthday stuff!!

[quote WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]@steppemum

I hope you have a better day today 💐🍰

If your Mum lives alone, why cant you bubble with her? I know you said you can't go for a week, but could you go for the weekend?

Ignore Busy - she's not worth getting upset over.

Try to have a nice day with birthday stuff!![/quote]
she isn't alone. My Dad is there too.

and even though they have had the vaccine, I am still cautious, they are 80 this year and both have underlying health issues (not that you'd know if you met them!)

just seen my online shopping delivery note, and half the stuff I added in for today's birthday hasn't come, so I'll need to go to the shops too now.

well, at least work wise nothing needs doing today, so I can focus on making cake etc.

I empathise. My teenage DS is waiting to be diagnosed with ADHD . I try to get him to do his college work but I have to walk on eggshells to avoid a meltdown. Last night he has said he will log into maths as long as I let him wake up in his own time! Constantly calling him just causes more resistance. He is on a final warning from college. Just do the best you can.

Oh OP - I sympathise so much. I'm your sort of age, but my DC are older. If I'd had to do homeschooling with them, one of them - undiagnosed (refuses to even consider getting a diagnosis) but I'm 99% certain on the spectrum - would have taken most of my energy, drained me emotionally, and achieved sod all. And then made me a cup of tea.

I'm with you even up to the rows with DH about how to parent a child who just doesn't get with the programme, kicks off about all sorts of minor things, is usually scrupulously honest but then suddenly lies about something important - I've been there so often. You think you've done everything you can and it's alright and then, wham. And you feel bad, and exhausted, and sorry for the other DC caught in the crossfire and suffering from the stress. And just want to run away.

Massive bunch of Things will improve - you sound strong and resilient and you will come through the other side. And your DD will grow up and still need you, but much less - you will get your headspace back.

And BusyLizzie needs to take a bloody good look at herself, and leave the thread.

I really empathise with you OP my son is going through the exact same thing just now , he is waiting on formal diagnosis for ADHD / ASD and he’s just went into meltdown with his school work from being a previous A student . I could literally stand over him and he would still struggle to do it , it’s so upsetting and draining .
I spoke to his teachers and managed to get him in the school hubs for a few days and it seems to reset his brain and bit and give him a kick up the bottom . I’m still in dismay at his most important year effectively ruined though . We are at breaking point too and my kids are normally happy well
Adjusted children .

Get yourself to fuck Busylizzie , I assume your children won’t ever come to you with any issues as you will just tell them they aren’t doing things well enough and sweep it under the carpet , what an awful thing to say to another struggling parent .

I absolutely sympathise with you and hope that once schools restart the stress will get better to some extent. I think the most any of us can do in circumstances like this is survive and if confrontation and confiscating the phone from your DD2 send ps her massively into a tailspin then that is not the right approach. She hasn't done any work over the lockdown means she will have to face the consequences at school. She is 13 and a difficult age for most teenage girls even without a lockdown. I dare say the school will have something to say to her and you have told her you aren't happy either so the best thing is to sit down with her quietly and ask how you can support her to catch up. She will do if she is bright and I dare say she won't be the only one. Most working parents have been massively overlooked over the last year. Maybe summer school may be an option for her?

@steppemum

just seen my online shopping delivery note, and half the stuff I added in for today's birthday hasn't come, so I'll need to go to the shops too now.

well, at least work wise nothing needs doing today, so I can focus on making cake etc.

Happy birthday to DD1, and happy cake baking. I really hope it is a happy day.

You sound a bit like you’ve got a lot of (very understandable) anticipatory stress (worried DD2 will ruin the birthday, worried her stress increasing towards school going back and taking it out on you all). So I guess the only thing is to try to be aware of that and a) live in the moment as far as possible and b) discuss now with your DH that the next week may be rocky behaviour-wise but please can we all stay calm. 2) might not be your style with your DH but it’s what I’d do, just so I’d said out loud “I know this shit is coming and I need you to know and not react to it as much as possible.”

and for later!

I feel absolutely the same op. I'm so done.

Hope today goes well op
I can't offer advice but am offering a friendly pat on the shoulder and solidarity x
My y13 ds is SO stressed its hard to watch and there is nothing more I can do to support him.
My y7 ds is already getting anxious about going back into school (3 x late 70s GPs) and bringing covid home.
Sigh.
Add in my mother, my dh and my voluntary roles and I simply have nothing left.
Next Thursday will be the first day I'll be alone since December 10th 2020.