I'm done. I just can't do this any more.

[steppemum]

I am usually the strong coping type. I do lots of supporting of others, I'm pretty together/organised etc etc.

But I feel like I have reached the end of all my resources.
3 teens at home, dd2 has struggled massively all through lockdown. Her not coping manifests itself as melt downs, temper, slammed doors. I spend so much energy trying to keep her on some kind of even keel and all the time I am waiting for the next blow up.
I thought she was just ticking over with school work, but since they announced that schools go back she has admitted that she has been signing off class work as done when it isn't and loads of her books are empty for much of the work that should be there from this lockdown.
she and dh keep clashing, and his response is to remove her phone, but as soon as you do that, then the rest of the day is written off for her as she goes off in a strop.
he thinks I am letting her off too lightly, but I think his approach just undoes any progress I have made with her.

Dh and I had massive row yesterday about it, after he refused to let her have her phone back, so she went from - I'll spend today catching up on school work, to - I'm not doing any schoolwork as I'm too upset.

She is a massive drama queen, BUT we are trying to get her assessed for ASD and I think there is a large dose of PDA in there, so my approach is always slightly side on, never direct confrontation.

I have so much work to do, it is dd1's birthday tomorrow, I haven't got anything for her yet, and dh won't go out as he isn't speaking to me (to be fair I haven't asked him)

We are normally fine, good marriage , but this time we are just both so cross, I don;t think we have ever done this before, but I am still cross, still don't want to speak to him, I am just exhausted with lockdown etc.

I know this is just a row, we will get past it. Not even sure why I am posting, other than because I can't focus on the work I have to do.

If I could right now I would walk away form the house, from everyone, even poor dd1 whose birthdya it is, I would just go. Anywhere. I am crying even writing that because I so much would like to step out of all responsibilities for a while.

Just feel like I can't do it any more.

Come and join the rest of us ... in the wrong @steppemum .

There isn't anything you could do that would make you feel good about this (too much support=drive them to rebellion; too little support = they run wild/get behind ... and what is 'too' in each case ?) That's parenting!

Help her with how to deal with having messed things up.

Now that is a lesson of great value and having support on that is a wonderful thing.

She has to face up to it - own up - think about a plan - work out priorities. (Exams only take you so far in life - this is education too!)

You will stand beside her on this - not against her.

You are the kind of parent she needs (not like some on the thread perhaps- no pouring contempt and rubbing-in what she has done 'wrong' )

Thanks for all your support. It is good to know I am not the only one (if you see what I mean)

Nice birthday was had by all. There was a moment when dd2 started to strop about her phone, dd1 turned to her and said in a voice i have never heard before - if you dare spoil a third birthday this year I swear I will do you.

dd1 is really gentle, empathetic, the peace maker. It was quite shocking to hear her say that, but I am so glad she did. Dd2 was also shocked and immediately backed down. I think it was an eye opener for her about how her behaviour is impacting others.

I don't feel well. I had terrible sore throat yesterday and I feel really low. I'd love to curl up in bed all day.

I think it is just a side effect of feeling at the end of my resources.
Unfortunately I have loads of work to do now.

My heart goes out you, OP. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances. We had so many rows and differences of opinion abut the kids it was unreal. I am in the same boat as you with a very anxious and refusing dd . I had to have lengthy conversations with school to let them know what was happening and to get support to help her do her work at home. Now she is logged onto a lesson. I also have an ASD/PDA ds13 who has done jack sh£t since 6 January and do you know what? He is going to be absolutely fine!

@steppemum Try and ignore bizzielizze. I saw their posts on another topic, similarly unkind and unhelpful and blaming.
I hope you manage to have a good day on your dds birthday. I also hope all of you find a way through this. In reality, it's such a short time, but I imagine living in this lockdown nightmare of homeschooling it must feel like it's going on forever

Sounds like you need a sick day.

A big thumbs up from me to DD1 - good on her! (And also, good on DD2 for responding appropriately. . .)

Oh shit.
Dh and I had a blazing row at dinner last night. I threw a tupperware at him (missed) and then chucked spoons on the floor. Not proud of it, I don;t normally do stuff like that I just needed him to see that this is beyond normal.

I then sat in the lounge crying. Ds came in and sat with with me, arm round me. He is 18 and he was just so lovely, he has really grown into an adult in the last year.
But it is such a mess. dh and I have only ever had a row like that once or twice in 21 years.

I don't even want to talk or make up at this point.

Just been out with the dog for an hour and a half, stomping over fields usually helps, but it didn't. I'm in a zoom seminar most of today, I am leading one of the break out groups, so I can't drop out.

At least I got loads of work done yesterday, all my teaching until Easter sorted and prepared, so that is a huge weight off my shoulders.

Right, need to go and shower and put on a zoom face.

Yes, Op. Get that zoom face on and be kind to yourself. So many of us are feeling the same way and blowing up at our loved ones. We're all nearly there! Sending strength for a calm day

@steppemum it’s very hard isn’t it. The pandemic has made school work hard. My DD enjoys school but not so much zoom and all that virtual stuff.

Whilst your DD has missed a significant chunk not all is lost and I think you can gain it back, it seems overwhelming. I think you could go through what is missing, make a plan together, it’s very important to include her and talk to her as well so she’s involved. Work with her, Monday going to do 1 hour extra and catch up on X & Y and she can earn back some by phone time etc. Tell her you understand it’s hard and school is not how it usually is. Make a clear visual timetable that you can tick off together, making sure she is in lived in decisions is important otherwise teens feel like we are treating them like little kids and become resistant.

Get out for a walk together a reconnect away from school stuff helps your mental state being out in a new environment

Ah, a flying fruitbowl moment. At least you missed. This is so hard on all of you. Try not to make any irreversible decisions right now! Good on you getting your teaching sorted up to Easter, I'm in awe that you're managing to get so much done despite how you're feeling.

mbosnz - I only teahc a few hours per week, and we are following a curriculum, so it isn't that amazing. It is also much hard to be scrabbling round on Monday morning.

So, seminar done.
Dd2 has an inset day today, and she is supposed to be catching up. We talked about catching up in all subjects just with current topic. Fine.
Went in to her this morning and she is ain stroppy unco-operative mood. So I talk nicely and encouragingly about what she is planning fro today and get stroppy replies, and how she 'isn;t in the mood' and she is 'unmotivated' so she 'will see' what she gets done.

I coudl make timetables and plan with her etc etc, but when the rubber hits the road, if she isn't int he mood, and i push, then she flips and screams and shouts and then that's it for the rest of the day.

I am sitting here, wondering if I can face going up to her room to see what she has done (or not done).

Just wondering if I can go and clean the chickens out instead. They are always pleased to see me.

Ultimately, you cannot force her to do the work. She has to choose, either to do it, or not, and she is also choosing the consequences, both short-term and long term, for not doing it. There really is only so much you can do.

I say this as the mother of two neuro-typical, yet still complicated little dragons myself.

@growinggreyer

Priorities! It is your daughter's birthday tomorrow so get both kids into planning mode. What do they want to do to celebrate. Sack off the school work for now and have an end of lockdown and birthday bash. Break out of the gloom and raise everyone's spirits with cake. Next week her teachers can take responsibility for assessing what she knows and can do and what she needs to do to catch up. I expect that each teacher is already making plans for whistlestop catch ups of the essentials.

^^ This and get out the house, catch up with a friend for a walk. Perhaps a tutor for DD over the summer... covid and cost depending. She may want to catch up to he friends when she goes back, she has to WANT to do it I guess.