I'm done. I just can't do this any more.

[steppemum]

I am usually the strong coping type. I do lots of supporting of others, I'm pretty together/organised etc etc.

But I feel like I have reached the end of all my resources.
3 teens at home, dd2 has struggled massively all through lockdown. Her not coping manifests itself as melt downs, temper, slammed doors. I spend so much energy trying to keep her on some kind of even keel and all the time I am waiting for the next blow up.
I thought she was just ticking over with school work, but since they announced that schools go back she has admitted that she has been signing off class work as done when it isn't and loads of her books are empty for much of the work that should be there from this lockdown.
she and dh keep clashing, and his response is to remove her phone, but as soon as you do that, then the rest of the day is written off for her as she goes off in a strop.
he thinks I am letting her off too lightly, but I think his approach just undoes any progress I have made with her.

Dh and I had massive row yesterday about it, after he refused to let her have her phone back, so she went from - I'll spend today catching up on school work, to - I'm not doing any schoolwork as I'm too upset.

She is a massive drama queen, BUT we are trying to get her assessed for ASD and I think there is a large dose of PDA in there, so my approach is always slightly side on, never direct confrontation.

I have so much work to do, it is dd1's birthday tomorrow, I haven't got anything for her yet, and dh won't go out as he isn't speaking to me (to be fair I haven't asked him)

We are normally fine, good marriage , but this time we are just both so cross, I don;t think we have ever done this before, but I am still cross, still don't want to speak to him, I am just exhausted with lockdown etc.

I know this is just a row, we will get past it. Not even sure why I am posting, other than because I can't focus on the work I have to do.

If I could right now I would walk away form the house, from everyone, even poor dd1 whose birthdya it is, I would just go. Anywhere. I am crying even writing that because I so much would like to step out of all responsibilities for a while.

Just feel like I can't do it any more.

I know this is starting to sound clichéd but this year has been horrendous for everyone is one way or another.

If you suspect your daughter has ASD you are absolutely right to tackle things side on, not head on. With any child, I think you need to pick your moment and tone - not just come down on them like a tonne of bricks. It sounds like she's checking out because she's struggling to cope. You are one person, OP, you are not a bad parent, you're dealing with a lot, you're spent and drained.

We don't check our daughter's workbooks either, because our girls are academics focused, and generally trustworthy - the same way your girl normally is, from the sounds of it. You had no reason not to treat her on the basis of her normal behaviour and presentation.

If it turns out that either of our girls have not in fact completed their work, as far as I'm concerned, that's on them, particularly if I have asked, and they have directly lied to me. They are the ones that are going to either suffer academically as a result of not having completed the work, or are going to have to find a way to make it up, with our support (and the school if they are kind enough to help).

This is the basis on which my kids have been brought up since they were expected to do their homework independently - which would be from about ten or eleven.

There's another thread on here about personal responsibility. . .

These are strange times. These are hard times. Strange and hard times for parents (especially Mums) and strange and hard time for teenagers (even without the added complications of SEN).

[quote BusyLizzie61]@steppemum
*
At end of every day, check in to see if she has done the lesson work.
The problem was, she was saying - yes I did the class work, but she didn't, she was just ticking it off undone.*
And you didn't look at any of it in the last 8 weeks, so again, parental accountability. Matters not of you have worked skeleton hours, if neither you nor her father have actually actively supported the work and not caught sight of it![/quote]
Surely the school should have realised if the child had done no work for the last 8 weeks!!

My teenage dc sit and do the work, I do not check or help as then it would not be their own work and then the teachers would not know what they are struggling with! I assume it is ok as there has been no feedback from the school.

There are schools at hat are not posting negative points / comments etc on SIMS / Class Charts etc because they don't want a record of poor uptake to remote learning if OFSTED visit... So schools might nit be checking or acknowledging lack of work to effectively 'cook the books' so schools might not be tracking progress or recording / acknowledging poor performance.

You know what I would like to do is go home to my mum. Sounds silly doesn't it? I am 54.

I would too if it wasn;t for the fact that there is a bloody pandemic on.

Aww steppe that it exactly what I want too. My mum to mother me. Big hugs.

@NoSquirrels

You know what I would like to do is go home to my mum. Sounds silly doesn't it? I am 54.

I would too if it wasn;t for the fact that there is a bloody pandemic on.

Aww steppe that it exactly what I want too. My mum to mother me. Big hugs.

My mum phoned me after I wrote that actually. I just told her I was a bit done. She said come and stay for a week, we'll make a bubble

(not actually allowed or possible, but it was nice to be wanted!)

mbosnz

that's exactly it. School work is normally between them and the school. They are accountable to their teachers, and to themselves.

I just know that as the return day looms, she is going to get more and more stressed, and we will feel the brunt of it. I don't have the energy.

I know you don't. I don't blame you one bit. Reckon the only thing I can say, and it doesn't make it any easier or better, but for both you, and for she, 'the only way is through'. The first day will be hard, the first few days will be hard, but they will get easier and better. She will not be the only one in this boat. She will not be the only one who is going through issues with SEN, or who has not done the work. She does have her parents, and her school to work with her, to get her over this rough ground as lightly as possible. The one thing that is not possible, is to avoid it. Sadly, that's for you as well as for her!

Sending you , , , . And more .

@PenguinIce
I agree it should be picked up by school as well. But presumably they could well assume if she's ticking off the list of activities that this is being completed on paper?

I'm afraid that I disagree that any child shouldn't have had their work supported in some form and indeed "checked".

Our children have been home for over 6 months minimum, and to have not offered additional support is imo hindering them further. As an ex teacher, I'd rather a parent had supported their child with their learning than expected the teacher to see the mistake but not really be able to offer significant support remotely whereas a parent could have turned around a child's learning in that time.

Though younger children, I know plenty whose children were struggling reader's or writers and now flying - because the parent took the initiative.

I also know of children who have been really supported in ks3 and really doing well now, including one who is looking to sit some exams early.

I wouldn't have wanted my child to be floundering if I could have offered any support or assistance and have tried it around for them.... Homeschooling is challenging enough....

My son has ASD with PDA and I would never force any learning. You are doing wonderful although you may not think it.
Children with PDA require a different approach, it can't be a demand or what is perceived as a demand. It's so very stressful.
My son hasn't done any home learning at all. He sees home as home and school work is for been in school.
Other parents may think I'm a push over, but I have to parent differently so as not to give any anxiety which then sets off self harming etc.
Giving you a huge hug lovely lady xx

Our children have been home for over 6 months minimum

March to July last year = 4 months, with far fewer demands as to schooling.
Sept - Dec = in school, full school day and lessons, they had no instances of isolation.
Jan - Feb = 2 months.

I don't see this as '6 months minimum' at all. She has had 4 months in school in proper lessons until Christmas.

I think the case of a KS3 pupil now being ready to take GCSEs early due to the parents teaching during lockdown is a rarity not the norm.

I have dc taking GCSEs and A Levels and I will happily admit I can not teach them as I do not know the content. If all parents could both teach and do it whilst working we would not need schools and I think you are doing a disservice to teachers in implying parents can teach just as well them.

Sorry my above comment was in reply to BusyLizzie61. See I can’t even work Mumsnet never mind teach!

Just like to point out as well, that my older two are doing A level and GCSE this year, so we need to make sure they are on track and doing work too.
I am a teacher. I don't teach in schools any more, but I still teach.

I cannot teach GCSE or A level.I can't even teach some of dd2's year8 stuff. It depends on the subject.

Primary age, I coudl do that, not problem, but secondary is pretty specific.

@steppemum

Just like to point out as well, that my older two are doing A level and GCSE this year, so we need to make sure they are on track and doing work too. I am a teacher. I don't teach in schools any more, but I still teach.

I cannot teach GCSE or A level.I can't even teach some of dd2's year8 stuff. It depends on the subject.

Primary age, I coudl do that, not problem, but secondary is pretty specific.

But you'd have been better placed than many to support more fully. And checking whether work is completed doesn't require subject knowledge....

OP you deserve a bloody medal. Keeping them fed, watered, and reasonable mental health is no mean feat, especially while trying to hold down a job yourself. I would like your mum up on that week away as soon as you feasibly can! You deserve a bit of mothering yourself.

We're all getting to that stage of just bloody exhaustion with it all. It's not normal to live like this.

Take not like!

But you'd have been better placed than many to support more fully. And checking whether work is completed doesn't require subject knowledge....

Really?
Really?

You have read my posts.
You know that we were closely monitoring.
I have told you that you are not helping.
That this thread was for my support as I was at the end of my tether, and yet, you think the best way to support and help a fellow mum who is struggling is to continue to post sanctimonious claptrap which does not fit the facts.

Do you have any empathy at all?

We. Have. Been. Closely. Monitoring. Her. Work. For. The. Whole. Of. The. Last. Lockdown.

There - easier to read for you?

Please, for FIVE seconds, just think about whether your posts are actually helpful at all to anyone except you, patting yourself on the back for being a perfect parent.

While you are at it, look at all the other posters on here who do not agree with you. Maybe, just maybe, you could go away and shut up.

OP have a 🍷 and 🧁 from me, it’s bloody hard at the best of times for parents of kids with ASD, and lockdown number 2 has really done a number on everyone !

I’m extremely lucky because my current job role (NHS bank) involves me having to go into the office so the kids had to go to school (to be fair DS who is the one with ASD would have been in anyway) Oh my goodness I genuinely have no idea how you have coordinated working around home schooling particularly as yours are older children, I think you deserve a medal!

(I also think if you can get to your mums for a few days it could be a good mental break for you...easier said than done I know !)

Meanwhile, take the pressure off, have an unofficial few days off, and have a lovely birthday celebration!

BusyLizzie61

You have no idea what life is like when your child has ASD- let me give you some perspective- this past year has given most people a little glimpse of how stressful it is EVERY SINGLE DAY OF EVERY SINGLE YEAR for people with ASD, you aren’t being helpful you are being downright rude and ignorant, if you can’t be supportive then just clear off.

Honestly Bizzie Lizzie, your lats post is making me cry.

Please.
Go away.

She is a bright child, she's been attending classes online which many kids (though lot at her school) will have not had at all. She will have absorbed the learning even if she hasn't done the coursework. She'll catch up and the school can happily dish out catch up in the Easter hols etc.
ASD or no ASD she will learn ... consequences. You can't shield her from everything and it sounds like she has had every support, just couldn't be arsed.

A friends DD age 13 has developed full on anorexia over the past 10 months and has been hospitalised for weeks. I know 8 weeks of work is a lot to catch up on but in a very clumsy way I'm trying to say try to have some perspective.

Have a lovely birthday for DD1 tomorrow . It will all be fine.

TreadSoftly
That is my niece. Now in a residential unit. It has been horrendous.

Thing is, I am really not bothered by the school work as such. I know once she gets back to school she will get back on track. It is not a crucial year, she has been doing bits and pieces, and where necessary school will fill in the gaps.

I am stressed by her stress.
So when she is overwhelmed by school, she has melt downs, which are just exhausting, and occasionally violent, and distresses the whole house.

The emotional energy she has required has been absolutely draining, and I just don't have any reserves any more.

In the big scheme of things, she will be fine.
In the day to day grind, I am worn out.

and I feel so bad for dd1, as I just don't have the energy for her birthday.

I will, I'll make it work, plaster a smile on my face and pull rabbits out of hats etc. Just normally much more organised and prepared than this.

Just realised, dd2 spoilt ds 18th in December, she spoilt my birthday last month, I think I am dreading another spoilt evening.

@ScoobyCat

OP have a 🍷 and 🧁 from me, it’s bloody hard at the best of times for parents of kids with ASD, and lockdown number 2 has really done a number on everyone !

I’m extremely lucky because my current job role (NHS bank) involves me having to go into the office so the kids had to go to school (to be fair DS who is the one with ASD would have been in anyway) Oh my goodness I genuinely have no idea how you have coordinated working around home schooling particularly as yours are older children, I think you deserve a medal!

(I also think if you can get to your mums for a few days it could be a good mental break for you...easier said than done I know !)

Meanwhile, take the pressure off, have an unofficial few days off, and have a lovely birthday celebration!

BusyLizzie61

You have no idea what life is like when your child has ASD- let me give you some perspective- this past year has given most people a little glimpse of how stressful it is EVERY SINGLE DAY OF EVERY SINGLE YEAR for people with ASD, you aren’t being helpful you are being downright rude and ignorant, if you can’t be supportive then just clear off.

I have every idea what it's like living with ASD, I live it everyday! Thank you.

And actually, if we're going to pull that card, having a child with additional needs means that we as parents have to go the extra mile for them. That means that yes, basics as where is your work, let me have a look I'm interested is an absolute basic.
@steppemum you quite obviously were not monitoring the work if she has 8 weeks of uncompleted work she lied about. Or are you suggesting you saw 8 weeks worth of learning? It can't be both can it.

Learn from this. She maybe Y8, but she's not able to be left working independently and not fully guided. Be that due to personality, asd pda or something else.

To be the best advocates for our children we have to be absolutely amazing parents and work harder than others to give our children with ASD the best possible chances ever.

@steppemum
Look at the autism charity website and see the support available. Likewise consult your leas support network. And perhaps request a referral for camhs for her and counselling support for you.