It's time to teach DH a lesson WWYD

[Gcnq]

OK
Background: it's a pandemic and we've been stuck with only each other and DS for company for about a year (neither of us critical workers and DH is clinically vulnerable so REALLY cautious). We don't actually hate each other but as you can imagine there's been endless nit-picking, complaining over nothing, irritation on both sides.

So, DH has been consistently complaining about whatever meals I cook. This is lunch and dinner every single day (thankfully he fixes his and DS breakfast every day). Yknow, it's too much, it's not enough, it's too whatever, it's not whatever enough...

I'm done basically.

He finally went too far in a discussion about healthy food groups with DS, part of DS home-learning assignment, he says

"Bought oven chips are healthier and better than the chips mummy makes"

Let me get this clear. In making chips I basically slice up a normal potato into chips, put about 1 teaspoon of olive oil on a baking tray, do a sort of pick up and drop motion with the sliced potato so it's all coated enough to brown nicely when cooking.

He's basically insulted my cooking for the last time.

I'm thinking of just serving up sliced cucumber and carrot for him tomorrow night? Maybe a whole week? What would you do?

@Ninkanink

Sorry he’s not a decent man and a good partner, nor a good dad, if he’s making shitty, disrespectful and ungrateful comments like that. Have you asked him straight out why he’s being such a twat?

I wouldn’t cook for him again, and I’m dead serious about that.

He will just have to organise himself so that he can still complete his family duties such as putting your son to bed.

Please understand, I know him better than anyone and we've had a beautiful relationship for 10+ years.

This behaviour has only started up recently since the pandemic which I know he's stressed about due to being vulnerable with underlying health issues.

It's doubly unfortunate that it's come along (the pandemic and DH behaviour) during our son's most formative years.

We've talked. Believe me. But I'm not going to put up with it anymore and I'm worried it will "set in" if you know what I mean?

Alphabet potato letters.
Spelling out charming messages like 'fuck off' and 'cockwomble'

Make quick dinners. Sandwiches, toast, beans, eggs, salads. Or make meals your
Son likes?
Also say that on weekends you are taking a break from planning and cooking meals so either he can cook or order food in.
Talk to him and tell him your upset about what he says and you would like him to share the cooking out evenly.

How about this as an action:

"You are to stop belittling me and the food I prepare for our family, especially in front of our child. I will continue to prepare food for myself and our children but until you apologise and stop this behaviour, you can fend for yourself - and if fending for yourself means leaving the kitchen a shit-tip, then I'll be leaving the dirty dishes in your car/in your pants drawer/in your golf bag (delete as appropriate)."

I mean you can get up to all sorts of tricks and lessons that will just be ignored or turned around on you if you like, but why not just be direct?

Maybe I should have said he’s not being a decent man, a good partner or a good right now.

If you’ve talking it through many times then yes, it’s time for some action.

So cook once more, then when he complains as normal just say great, you can cook all meals from now on

And don’t cook

Telling him to prepare his own bloody meals is an option, you know.

It’s embarrassing that’s he’s so wrong. Yes healthier than deep fried home chips but not baked chips. Is he actually quite insecure about his lack of knowledge and he’s learning from his school aged child and trying to find out what is healthy because he doesn’t actually know? But being an arsehole about it?

Or take his plate back off him and dump the ‘terrible’ food in the bin.

He’s got no right to be deliberately twatty to you just because he’s worried/stressed/etc. My DH almost died a few months ago and it didn’t turn him into a resentful, shitty, sneery man.

Being rude about your cooking once wouldn't be okay, but could be explained by a bad day. To do it day in, day out is awful. Would you treat a friend/colleague/stranger like that? You've gotten used to it, but he's acting like he has no respect for you at all, and no amount of passive-aggressive salad will fix that. I know you're tired of talking, but this won't get better by itself.

What is he doing that keeps him soooooo busy?!

He's an artist 🤦

(^ Emoji trying to express a feeling that as I let this person into my life I should know what to expect)

Also I’m not being smug here I promise, but I read your OP again and this jumped out at me

We don't actually hate each other but as you can imagine there's been endless nit-picking, complaining over nothing, irritation on both sides.

Endless nitpicking, complaining and irritation sounds quite overwhelmingly negative. Sure it’s a stressful time for many people and being in close quarters for months on end with no time apart, nowhere else to go and nothing much to do tests the best of relationships from time to time. But I don’t believe that it’s normal in a good relationship for there to be endless nitpicking, complaining and irritation. If the nitpicking and complaining is from his side then you need to set him straight that you’ve had enough and he’s to sort himself out.

I'd set up a routine with him of alternating meals. He cooks for everyone on Monday - Weds - Fri / you cook Tues / Thurs / Sunday and a takeout on Saturday. you can then adjust the evening routine to fit whoever is cooking.

Then you can both cook what you like & not criticize each other.

I do not love my husband, but there is absolutely no nitpicking, complaining or irritation between us. We've lived in each others pockets for the last twelve months, when usually he works away M-F, but there has been nothing but mutual respect.
It's not normal to be constantly sniping at one another. (not that I'm claiming my marriage is normal, I hasten to add)

An artist in that this earns him a living or an artist in that he's a cocklodging pretentious twat?

I have people in my circle who are genuine artists and make a good living at it because they understand that's what adults need to do and that sometimes means compromising their aesthetic principles, there are also in my circle (mainly men it must be said) people who describe themselves as artists when asked their occupation but who actually do precious little, producing one piece of work every 6 months or something that doesn't sell for much and wasn't created to a remit or contract but just at the whim it said artist

@Gcnq

Ugh the other thing about "just stop cooking for him" is that it's both lunch AND evening meal we're stuck in the house together!

The kitchen will have a constant stream of different meals being made in there all day long, it's a step too far I think.

Kitchens are for cooking in. And, if he can't be arsed to clean up after he cooks, or even after you cook, then that's another discussion you need to have.

There's a few similar discussions that have gone on in our house, recently. I bought breaded chicken, the other day. Breaded chicken, oven chips and frozen veg, served up in between staring at my phone are my something is wrong meal. Sometimes the something is wrong might be not being well - migraine or v back ache but sometimes the something wrong is dh's behaviour around mealtimes and anything I say falling on deaf ears. He was "too busy" to lay the table for lunch, today, and I had to remind him that a year ago he was making his own bloody lunch.

@Ninkanink

Or take his plate back off him and dump the ‘terrible’ food in the bin.

He’s got no right to be deliberately twatty to you just because he’s worried/stressed/etc. My DH almost died a few months ago and it didn’t turn him into a resentful, shitty, sneery man.

Oh goodness how awful I hope he's recovering fully

Yes thank you, he’s recovered well and is going to be okay. But it was a very stressful and scary time.

There are a number of courses of action which you could take. I would do one of the following, I think:

1. Make a big pot of chicken and vegetable soup. Really healthy, but uninspiring. Plan some wonderful meals FOR TWO (steak and chips, chicken kiev, pizza, pasta, all the good stuff). After dishing you and DS up, ladle a generous portion of soup into a bowl for your DH. If he complains, say that you've noticed that he's put on a bit of weight and is watching what he eats. Do not under any circumstances share your grub with him.

2. Take a big step back from being the family cook. Give yourself a week's holiday from cooking. Instead of preparing meals, just stock up on nice picnic food and grab a plate to have in front of the TV. Make yourself a sandwich or some soup. Offer to make your DS something simple like beans on toast or scrambled eggs if he's hungry. Ignore your DH.

Essentially cooking has become part of your job description and your DH, instead of thanking you for what you do for the family, is playing the role of critical boss.

The other option would be to whack him really hard on the head with the chopping-board. Every time he opens his mouth to complain....

I think he needs salad. All the salad. Say you felt inspired and thank him for his insight.
(You can still have chips. You can even deep fry them. Twice).

@cheeseismydownfall

You need to pull him up on this shit right now. My good friend's DH has always made snide little comments just like this to their DD. In isolation none of them would seem that big of a deal, but the drip drip drop over time is so disrespectful and sadly the DD, now a teenager, speaks to my friend in exactly the same way that DH does while thinking the sun shines out of her father's arse.

Definitely pull up DH on dragging you down in front of your DC.

My friend is regularly called a C**t by her 19 ds, while DH has left her and all that goes with it.

An artist in that this earns him a living or an artist in that he's a cocklodging pretentious twat?

😂
He's the sort that does actually earn his money that way and when he has a gap between commissions he still needs to produce study samples, which although that's up to him I do completely understand. He's not a cocklodging hippy.
It's just a rather intense environment for all of us.

I'm not a vaglodger either by the way, I have a profession which has had to be put on hold pretty much since April. Neither of us on any furlough scheme it really is very stressful! (As I'm sure it is for everyone).

Well firstly he’s wrong, bought oven chips are not better or healthier than your chips... secondly he would be having oven chips for every single meal from now on!

@parietal

I'd set up a routine with him of alternating meals. He cooks for everyone on Monday - Weds - Fri / you cook Tues / Thurs / Sunday and a takeout on Saturday. you can then adjust the evening routine to fit whoever is cooking.

Then you can both cook what you like & not criticize each other.

This is actually a really good and practical solution

^ but is doesn't satisfy my desire for revenge