Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

How to fob off nosy school mum

79 replies

WaterWithSomething · 10/02/2021 09:17

Already dreading the return to school and school run. There is a mum in dc's class who always talking badly about other mums and their kids behind their back. She can be super friendly and warm too when she wants something but dismissive and cold when she wants to put people in their place. She's managed to turn lots of the mums against a really lovely mum and her dc just because she doesn't like her.

The problem is that she has a habit of asking intrusive of personal questions on the school run either on the way to school or waiting by the gates. When people answer these questions in good faith she responds in a dismissive and condescending way. I think she's quite insecure and hyper competitive.

My question is how do I deflect these questions about my life. It's not like "how's work" or whatever normal small talk but digging deep and interrogating people about their husbands, work, children's school work and hobbies in front of the other mums. For example, ds1 is in Y7 in grammar school and this mum constantly asks questions about the eleven plus, did we tutor, how come he managed to get in, how grammar schools are not fair for others. She does this when we're dropping the kids off and i feel really put on the spot. There is something intense and aggressive in her tone.

How do I shut her up without being rude?

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 10/02/2021 09:20

We have a mum like this, she's worked her way round most parents and most now avoid her.

Purplerayhan · 10/02/2021 09:22

Have prepreared answers:
"That's interesting"
...Just silence...with or without a smile
"Why do you ask?"
"I'd need to get back to you on that"
"Not sure why you'd be interested in that?" Headtilt optional.

"

SnarkyBag · 10/02/2021 09:22

Well you could just be rude and say it’s a bit early in the day for the Spanish Inquisition or your could find her off with jokes. So if she asks how your son got into grammar school say “oh we gave the head teacher a back hander Wink “

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 10/02/2021 09:25

Do you have "the Garda wouldn't ask you that!" On the equivalent? Or "ah sure I barely know myself" and silence. Embrace the silence. Luxuriate in the silence.

thedevilinablackdress · 10/02/2021 09:29

How do I shut her up without being rude?

She's the rude one. I'd stop worrying about this and use some of the deflection techniques suggested above - vague and airy, humorous, turn the questions back on her, or change the subject.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 10/02/2021 09:31

Also answer with a question

Fagey · 10/02/2021 09:33

Either get in and out before her or after her.

I've changed my drop off and pick up routine by a few minutes and it's great as I'm talking to parents I'd barely spoken to before.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2021 09:44

Agree you need to deflect with a question

So did you get Tom a tutor?
Why, do you think Alice needs one? (Concerned head tilt)

How much does Adam get paid then?
Oh, is Steve looking for a new job? (Concerned head tilt)

Also I'd go out of my way to talk to the lovely school Mom she's ostracised

SaltyTootsieToes · 10/02/2021 09:46

Oh I like @SleepingStandingUp suggestions. I need to remember this type of deflection.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 10/02/2021 09:47

If you're really not in the mood then listen to music or a podcast on your phone with very obvious headphones. Then just blank her because you can't hear her.

KittyWithStripes · 10/02/2021 09:48

These suggestions are great. I often feel really put on the spot and find it hard to think of what to say until it's too late!

BIWI · 10/02/2021 09:50

Why are you worried about being rude to her when she clearly isn't worried about being rude to you?!

Just tell her it's none of her business!

Nuggetknuckles · 10/02/2021 09:50

I know exactly the type! Very unpleasant, a classic example of an adult bully. They will find they upset so many parents eventually they will have no one to gossip too.

Generally people like this are actually very insecure and unhappy underneath it all.

Sadly only two choices, be very firm but friendly and refuse to engage with saying something like " oh, you know me, I don't like to gossip " with a laugh and change the subject, or be rather brusque. Bullies/ gossips tend to back off when confronted with a very firm response.

Try not to worry about upsetting them. Best not to be caught up with any nonsense with these kind of people.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 10/02/2021 09:53

Is there an opportunity for you to engage with the mum she has frozen out? This would probably solve your problem as well as make the other mum a shit ton happier?

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 10/02/2021 09:55

I hated doing the school run as there was one mum who would interrupt any banal school gate conversations and ask very personal questions. I changed my drop off time (im a wimp) - although that became unneccessary when DH told her to "mind her own business" and she avoided us like the plague after that.
That's probably what the other mum said to her which is why she is bitching about her.

Chloemol · 10/02/2021 09:56

I can’t be doing with this sort of thing. I agree regarding tutoring you could say why do you think your child needs extra, but comments about work etc would just get a sorry but that’s rude, it’s really none of your business

jackieweaverhasauthorityhere · 10/02/2021 09:57

I would just answer in a completely deadpan, literal way. No conversational firewood, no extra detail.

For the grammar school example: 'Bobby got in because he met the required score on the 11 plus' or 'he's doing well at Grammar school and it's the right environment for him, I can't speak for other children'.

Reminds me of a man I worked with who couldn't believe I had been promoted to quite an interesting job and kept asking disbelievingly why they had given it to me, I must have lied at interview. I tried to be humourous and breezy etc and wish I hadn't, to be honest, I wish I had politely shut him down.

evouk · 10/02/2021 10:02

When I encounter somebody I don't want to engage with I won't speak to them. If they speak to me they get a one word answer

LizBennet · 10/02/2021 10:03

Definitely answer with questions yourself.

WaterWithSomething · 10/02/2021 10:04

Reminds me of a man I worked with who couldn't believe I had been promoted to quite an interesting job and kept asking disbelievingly why they had given it to me, I must have lied at interview. That's very similar to her tone. Disbelieving that someone who she thinks of as average or beneath her does or has something that she hasn't or can't do. They way she asks these questions is really in your face and demanding. Last summer, when I started a new job and the kids were back at part-time school she demanded to know all sorts of details about the job in a really loud voice when we were waiting at the gate. When she realised that my job isn't that fancy she lost interest and just gruffed at me in a dismissive way. Confused

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 10/02/2021 10:05

Can you push it back to her in a 'why do you need to know?' way?
Or offer to signpost her to places she can get the required information. If she is only hunting for gossip she won't take you up on it.

She sounds quite annoying though.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/02/2021 10:06

I would do as pp have said and make a beeline for the other mum she has frozen out.
She isn't worried about being rude to you Op so don't worry about being rude to her back. Wish l had learnt that myself years ago!!

Unicorn34 · 10/02/2021 10:22

A thing to remember about people like this, if they are talking about others to you then they are definitely talking about you to others.

Don't give her any info about anything unless its just that the sun is out or the sky is blue. Don't give her any ammunition to put in her gun. Just smile, be polite and if you tell her to "f**k off" remember to say please!
Some of the answers above are really good so maybe practice them a bit before you see her next.

Veterinari · 10/02/2021 10:27

@WaterWithSomething

Reminds me of a man I worked with who couldn't believe I had been promoted to quite an interesting job and kept asking disbelievingly why they had given it to me, I must have lied at interview. That's very similar to her tone. Disbelieving that someone who she thinks of as average or beneath her does or has something that she hasn't or can't do. They way she asks these questions is really in your face and demanding. Last summer, when I started a new job and the kids were back at part-time school she demanded to know all sorts of details about the job in a really loud voice when we were waiting at the gate. When she realised that my job isn't that fancy she lost interest and just gruffed at me in a dismissive way. Confused
Limit the information she has access to. Just don't chat about your new job/kids activities/whatever

If she doesn't know about it, she can't ask you about it

WaterWithSomething · 10/02/2021 11:07

I'll try using some of the above approaches. I'd quite like her to f ** please. Smile But she is vindictive with a fragile ego and with the talent to spin everything so that she looks like a lovely, caring person who has been badly treated. I just want her to leave me alone. I feel pretty fed up with her so feel I need to be on guard with my tone.

OP posts: