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How to fob off nosy school mum

79 replies

WaterWithSomething · 10/02/2021 09:17

Already dreading the return to school and school run. There is a mum in dc's class who always talking badly about other mums and their kids behind their back. She can be super friendly and warm too when she wants something but dismissive and cold when she wants to put people in their place. She's managed to turn lots of the mums against a really lovely mum and her dc just because she doesn't like her.

The problem is that she has a habit of asking intrusive of personal questions on the school run either on the way to school or waiting by the gates. When people answer these questions in good faith she responds in a dismissive and condescending way. I think she's quite insecure and hyper competitive.

My question is how do I deflect these questions about my life. It's not like "how's work" or whatever normal small talk but digging deep and interrogating people about their husbands, work, children's school work and hobbies in front of the other mums. For example, ds1 is in Y7 in grammar school and this mum constantly asks questions about the eleven plus, did we tutor, how come he managed to get in, how grammar schools are not fair for others. She does this when we're dropping the kids off and i feel really put on the spot. There is something intense and aggressive in her tone.

How do I shut her up without being rude?

OP posts:
jackieweaverhasauthorityhere · 10/02/2021 11:58

You could also use the waiting time to make any calls you're likely to be put on hold for such as ringing the gas company etc, and catch up with the mum she is leaving out. Both should mean she leaves you alone!

WaterWithSomething · 12/02/2021 13:34

I've been trying to practice some of these replies in my head Halo. Because she's got this ability to turn people against you, I need to be careful not to sound irate when she asks me these intrusive questions in a group of mums. I swear she does it to make people feel uncomfortable or put the on the spot.

OP posts:
BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 12/02/2021 13:40

How old is she?

She sounds incredibly childish. It’s disappointing that she managed to turn people against the lovely mum!

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FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack · 12/02/2021 13:42

I feel like I must be missing something. Why can’t you nod in acknowledgment when you see her and continue on without breaking your stride to stand elsewhere?

You’ll probably still need to keep 2m distance and wear a mask on school grounds when they do go back so that’ll help.

RedskyBynight · 12/02/2021 13:46

Could you start coughing when she comes near you?

firstimemamma · 12/02/2021 13:48

I live next door to someone like this! She used to invite herself over and would never shut up "oh you had ds before marriage? Well don't you feel bad you did things in the wrong order?!" I just gradually phased her out (sounds horrible put like that but I had no choice). I just kept saying I was busy and keeping answers very short and minimal and stopped letting her invite herself over. It's a friendly hello on the rare occasion we see each other now and I couldn't be happier with this. Good luck with your situation, I know how you feel.

Xerochrysum · 12/02/2021 13:53

How does she know your ds in grammar school? She ask questions because she want her children to attend too, which is natural, especially she is a competitive mum.
Maybe just say that he didn't need extra work, just sailed through it so you don't know how others do. Maybe she might get put off and won't ask you again.

iMatter · 12/02/2021 14:11

Stand 2 metres away from her with your mask on and say you can't hear a word she's saying.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/02/2021 14:15

I heard an amazing answer to unwanted questions from a few years back and always use it now when needed:

“Ah, that’s a conversation for another time.” With a benign smile and a change of subject.

More rudely, you could answer, “Because reasons...?” with a chuckle.

MrsMoastyToasty · 12/02/2021 14:20

Be on a mobile call, even if you're not.

augustice · 12/02/2021 14:35

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

wibblewombat · 12/02/2021 15:26

Love the "conversation for another time"...

My neighbour does the deep in conversation on the phone or hides in her parka hood when she sees me. I'd love to know what the issue is but got to respect her wish.

Even the thickest person socially (puts hand up here) eventually notices and should leave you alone.

Nicolastuffedone · 12/02/2021 15:32

I usually go for a puzzled look and ‘sorry?’ in a I-can’t-believe-you’ve-just-said-that-way. Then I quickly use a distraction ‘oh! Isn’t it cold today?’ ‘Did you see that on the news...?’ I refuse to answer personal questions, it’s none of her business....see her off!

Learningtobehappier · 12/02/2021 16:27

How about "hmm interesting, so tell me, how is your sex life, do you do it often?"

Purplerayhan · 12/02/2021 17:09

What causes some people to be so openly nosy like this?
That could be a good question to someone else standing nearGrin

Wearywithteens · 12/02/2021 17:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

LunaHeather · 12/02/2021 17:50

I'd just say "not your business" or "i don't want to talk to you".

MechantGourmet · 12/02/2021 18:15

Just make up crap, and laugh at her, she'll soon stop. How did DS get into grammar? Oh, we had him assessed by an ed psych, and apparently his IQ is 187.
Did we tutor him? Good lord no, no-one round here could present enough challenge for him [chortle]
Etc

Or just raise one eyebrow, which is what I do. Hmm

I'm not a people pleaser, and this type soon learned not to ask me anything of this nature.

And so what if you're rude- she is rude and needs a blunt lesson.

krustykittens · 12/02/2021 18:19

You have to be rude with people like this and not care what they say about you to other people, decent people will make their own minds up about you. We had a neighbour like this, unbearably nosy, even to the point of coming round to the house and asking the kids where I had gone if he saw me leaving. In the end, I told him not to turn up at my door anymore unless invited (found him wandering around the garden one morning) and if anything going one in our lives was his business, I would let him know. All intrusive behaviour stopped. I am sure he has told everyone I am a horrible bitch (small, rural community) but I give not one shiny shit. I prefer my privacy to the good will of strangers.

tired2021 · 12/02/2021 18:26

My usual response to inappropriate personal questions is usually, "well I'm not sure that's an appropriate topic to be honest, after all we all do things differently don't we. Weather forecast looks nice/poor/grim etc... for the weekend..."

Claphands · 12/02/2021 18:42

You'll probably find most of the other parents have no time for her either, they just don't want to be the one who calls her out or to be ostracised

RandomMess · 12/02/2021 18:54

"Gosh are you always this intense I feel like I'm being interrogated Smile" huge smile and laugh.

LunaHeather · 12/02/2021 18:56

@RandomMess

"Gosh are you always this intense I feel like I'm being interrogated Smile" huge smile and laugh.
Better still, don't laugh.
DayBath · 12/02/2021 19:09

Headphones on. "Oh sorry, I can't talk, I really have to listen to this training lecture for work" or some similar bullshit.

Or the old technique of answering a question with a question:

"How much revision did your DC do"
"Oh I don't know really, how much revision did YOUR DC do?"

Becomes very irritating after a while as they can't pin you down. Had a type like this at work and it got rid of her after a few conversations.

GameSetMatch · 12/02/2021 19:28

People love talking about themselves, before she can ask you a question ask her one and then she’ll just go on about herself hopefully.