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How to fob off nosy school mum

79 replies

WaterWithSomething · 10/02/2021 09:17

Already dreading the return to school and school run. There is a mum in dc's class who always talking badly about other mums and their kids behind their back. She can be super friendly and warm too when she wants something but dismissive and cold when she wants to put people in their place. She's managed to turn lots of the mums against a really lovely mum and her dc just because she doesn't like her.

The problem is that she has a habit of asking intrusive of personal questions on the school run either on the way to school or waiting by the gates. When people answer these questions in good faith she responds in a dismissive and condescending way. I think she's quite insecure and hyper competitive.

My question is how do I deflect these questions about my life. It's not like "how's work" or whatever normal small talk but digging deep and interrogating people about their husbands, work, children's school work and hobbies in front of the other mums. For example, ds1 is in Y7 in grammar school and this mum constantly asks questions about the eleven plus, did we tutor, how come he managed to get in, how grammar schools are not fair for others. She does this when we're dropping the kids off and i feel really put on the spot. There is something intense and aggressive in her tone.

How do I shut her up without being rude?

OP posts:
BlueTimes · 12/02/2021 19:32

Social distancing, a mask and mumbling.

AIMD · 12/02/2021 19:36

I bet she’s good as focusing in on the people who will be easy to manipulate or overpower too

Maybe don’t try not being rude and just be incredibly rude once to her? That’s easier said than done though.

I sometimes wear my head phone when in waiting at school. Not specifically to avoid conversation but that is a by product.

I also like the suggestion to befriend the mum she has been unkind to.

WildfirePonie · 12/02/2021 19:44

Headphones in ears and ignore!

Interested in this thread?

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MsFogi · 12/02/2021 19:47

I have a friend who is great at just answering an imagined question rather than a question she doesn't think is appropriate. Eg How much you you earn? Oh yes we really loved Birmingham Zoo too! So tell me about your weeked. Folowed by a big smile. She does it without missing a beat - it is amazing to watch because you can see the person who asked the question wondering what happened (and questioning themself about whether what they said could have been misheard as the imagined question). I have never managed to pull it off without sounding like a loon.

BreatheAndFocus · 12/02/2021 20:02

Answer her question with a question and turn it round:
“Did you son have a tutor for the 11+.”
“Oh, did you do the 11+ too then?”

Or mishear her:
“What’s your husband’s job?”
“Dave”
“No, I asked what job he did?”
“Yes, he loves it”.

She’ll give up in the end. Smile, nod and be slightly batty.

Inpeace · 12/02/2021 20:04

I was the mum that got frozen out.

One day I was new best friend the next I was ignored
Or worse.

It was horrible.

After this the other mums would talk to me rarely - it was clear they did not want her to see them talking to me - one even apologised to DH about this in a round about way.

I fear I may have innocently deflected one of her nosey questions on the day her attitude changed and the price I have paid has been horrid. To the point of impacting on dc’s socialising.

I think the suggestion to change drop off time might be best 🤔

SunshineCake · 12/02/2021 20:09

@WaterWithSomething

I'll try using some of the above approaches. I'd quite like her to f ** please. Smile But she is vindictive with a fragile ego and with the talent to spin everything so that she looks like a lovely, caring person who has been badly treated. I just want her to leave me alone. I feel pretty fed up with her so feel I need to be on guard with my tone.
Funny how vindictive people are too fragile to take it after dishing it out. Happens such a lot...

Or they've just told the recipient of the vindictiveness they are oh so sensitive, or responded as if they are, to control others.

tuttifuckinfruity · 12/02/2021 20:25

@Inpeace

I was the mum that got frozen out.

One day I was new best friend the next I was ignored
Or worse.

It was horrible.

After this the other mums would talk to me rarely - it was clear they did not want her to see them talking to me - one even apologised to DH about this in a round about way.

I fear I may have innocently deflected one of her nosey questions on the day her attitude changed and the price I have paid has been horrid. To the point of impacting on dc’s socialising.

I think the suggestion to change drop off time might be best 🤔

God that's so shit.

Yes, if this woman has as much influence as you say I would say it's best to just avoid her as much as possible.

Generally I'm all for standing up to bullies, but when it could affect your kids it's a tough one.

NoDramaMama14 · 12/02/2021 20:35

None of you business x works, here to drop off/collect my child not to be interrogated by you. Don't suffer fools

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 12/02/2021 21:44

I was also the frozen out mum too by a similar sounding mum and it made the school run utter hell-complete Jekyll and Hyde. Things became particularly upsetting when she started inviting all the A sports team round for parties/play dates and left my child out deliberately. She didn't like me as I couldn't do a lift share. We are unfortunately neighbours so my child was very aware as he would see the entire A team in their garden, particularly as he was friends with her son.
This woman somehow got all the other A team sports mums to ignore me at matches and I would stand alone as they turned their backs and wouldn't speak to me- it was utterly humiliating. I was so glad when we had to start wearing masks at pick up!

Sorry OP I can't offer much help. I hide behind a mask and my phone at pick ups now.

BMW6 · 12/02/2021 21:53

I think I'd say "Oh! You must be the one that other Mums have warned me about "

TaraR2020 · 12/02/2021 22:57

'If I told you, I'm afraid I'd have to kill you', along with an icy smile

'I'm sorry, I'm really not a morning person and don't do chit chat before my 5th cup of coffee'

Very loudly demand 'will you please move further back - you're supposed to be observing social distancing!'

Of course, you could also just start posing these questions to other mums 'have you noticed how X...?'

Tbf id probably just kill her with kindness and hold my head high knowing that she must be terribly insecure to probe so much.

didireallysaythat · 12/02/2021 23:00

2 metre social distancing, masks, staggered drop offs and instructions from the school for parents to drop off/pick up and then move away. All works in your favour.

WaterWithSomething · 13/02/2021 08:30

Thanks a million for all the helpful suggestions. There are some really good ones.

@Inpeace and @goldenlilliesdaffodillies Thanks it's horrible isn't it? It's happened to me once at my ds1' pre-school. Drop off at 9, pick up at 12 5 days a week. One popular and extrovert mum took a dislike to me even though I had never even had talked to her. I don't know if she heard gossip about me or simply didn't like my face but she would turn her back to me in the small waiting area and be really nice with everyone else. I had some health and family issues at the time and being ostracised completely floored me as being part of a supportive mums group would have really been nice. I think it's due to this experience that I'm so weary of getting on the wrong side of nosy, overbearing mum. I've seen her when she doesn't get her way, she turns into a passive aggressive witch. She's oh so sweet and lovely with people she wants something from.

Not sure yet what secondary school is like as ds1 just had one term and some of that was spent self isolating. Do these over involved mums continue holding such influence in secondary school? hope not

OP posts:
TheABC · 13/02/2021 08:42

I am profoundly deaf, so when the Queen bee of my playground descended, so had to ask her intrusive question three times in a consistently louder voice before I could figure out why the hell she was saying. To get a one-word reply. She does not bother anymore, but I enjoyed the look on her face when I joined the PTA.

I also take pride in being the school-run mum weirdo (think weird knitted hats and skirts), which immediately scares anyone away who cares about the playground pecking order. I don't have time for those games - but I do have several lovely parents to chat to. I also make a point of doing so to newcomers (pre-Covid).

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 13/02/2021 08:43

Definition enjoying some of the suggested retorts by PPs 😂
I've been in the same situation as you OP, and I completely sympathise. It's really hard to navigate and the worst thing is it could even filter down to your kids.
In my experience the lady in question did eventually gripe everyone up, but this took a very long time to happen and if you are happy just not giving a sh*t for ages... That's fine but not an easy thing to deal with for most people.
I personally would avoid anything that would aggravate or humiliate her - you really don't want someone like that to retaliate, speaking from experience 😬
Could you befriend the "already ostracized" mum's? At least then you'll have a friendship base and she might feel it's a genuine threat enough to leave you alone
The other thing I did was if she asked me anything, and I felt I'd "admitted" to something incongruous.id quickly bring it up in discussion with the other mums first, that took some of the power away?
Gosh good luck and let us know how it goes!

TheABC · 13/02/2021 08:44

Most kids make their own way to secondary so the school run angst does not happen. You get the Competitive Dad thing instead, for sports.

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 13/02/2021 08:44

*definitely not definition

Graciebobcat · 13/02/2021 08:48

Generally I'm all for standing up to bullies, but when it could affect your kids it's a tough one

I think if all the parents were that sheep-like, stupid and nasty then I'd be changing schools.

BlackberrySky · 13/02/2021 08:50

Ooh, I would be so tempted to reply to the grammar school questions with "It's because he is above average intellect and we put loads of work in before the test" Then walk off! Or as others have said, respond with equally intrusive questions, or something like "I find the questions people ask reveal so much about their insecurities, don't you?"

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 13/02/2021 08:52

@WaterWithSomething

Thanks a million for all the helpful suggestions. There are some really good ones.

@Inpeace and @goldenlilliesdaffodillies Thanks it's horrible isn't it? It's happened to me once at my ds1' pre-school. Drop off at 9, pick up at 12 5 days a week. One popular and extrovert mum took a dislike to me even though I had never even had talked to her. I don't know if she heard gossip about me or simply didn't like my face but she would turn her back to me in the small waiting area and be really nice with everyone else. I had some health and family issues at the time and being ostracised completely floored me as being part of a supportive mums group would have really been nice. I think it's due to this experience that I'm so weary of getting on the wrong side of nosy, overbearing mum. I've seen her when she doesn't get her way, she turns into a passive aggressive witch. She's oh so sweet and lovely with people she wants something from.

Not sure yet what secondary school is like as ds1 just had one term and some of that was spent self isolating. Do these over involved mums continue holding such influence in secondary school? hope not

No, because parents stop doing pick up/drop off at secondary so all the school gate stuff goes away. I rarely see other parents now.

Although some of these responses are good, I would tread carefully as some of these stories show, it could affect your DC. So stay polite if you can.

RavenT · 13/02/2021 08:59

I have this exact same issue OP it is a nightmare. Unfortunately our children are best friends too which makes it almost impossible to shake her off. She is always ready to criticise other children and parents, and often makes snidey comments to me with a smile. She stumps me and after 4 years I still don't know how to deal with her. One minute nice, the next minute there's a backhand dig. She also lives on my same school route so seeks me out in the playground to walk back together. Whilst only 5 minutes from school I often take my car just to avoid her, and then prepare myself for the snidey 'you're in your car then' comment. I hate the school run. Sad

FossilisedFanny · 13/02/2021 08:59

My dad used the phrase ‘that’s for me to know and you to find out ‘ if he didn’t want to answer a question.

Inpeace · 13/02/2021 09:02

I think how it changed me also is I am wary of friendly people!

She had the same walk to school as us and would stop on a corner having arranged to meet another mum and kids who would arrive as we passed - all would ignore us then follow close behind
For the ten minute walk.
My dc snubbed if they tried to interact with the three classmates :(

Prior she had been all oh come round to mine after school, come to the zoo with us, I’ll collect you and we can go to x reception child birthday party together.

In fact I couldn’t always accept and that may have been my crime - who knows.

She is a MH nurse and should know better :(

Inpeace · 13/02/2021 09:04

Love all the excellent responses suggested but honestly I feel a change of routine is the only way -to reduce interaction.

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