How do working parents manage childcare?

[MinnieAnonyMouse]

DH and I are planning to start TTC later this year and are currently discussing how we would manage everything.

One thing that I'm really unsure about is childcare. We both have responsible jobs and work quite long hours. DH leaves home at about 7.15am and returns about 7pm 4 days a week. Pre-covid, I left by 6.30am and didn't get home until generally after 7pm (sometimes 6.30pm if I was lucky, sometimes later) 5 days a week. I can probably swing wfh a day or 2 a week (post covid, currently all from home) in which case the hours are more like 8.30am - 5.30 or 6pm.

It just seems like on that timetable, we'd never see a baby outside of the weekend and the hours are so long! Surely other people have had this? How did you manage / what do you do? It can't be that everyone went part time??

I worked part time after mat leave.
Just decided to have less money & spend more time with my kids.
Otherwise you need a nanny/ childminder/nursery/ very kind family 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think the biggest lie we tell ourselves is that our lives can carry on as they were before children.

I gave my career up. Well, it's technically on hold and I hope to get back to work eventually. In the meantime I get to see every moment of my daughters' lives, the first word, the first step, the first belly-laugh etc. The years are going quickly and they will never be this small again - my kids are 3 and 4 in a few months time.

I also found it harder once DD went to school. The after school club was very strict about times whereas the childminder could be more flexible.
They actually start to need you more in a different way and then there are things like after school activities to fit in (these often start at 5.30-6pm for brownies etc).
DD is in secondary now and we are in normal times out of the house 3 nights a week. She needs much more emotional support and they stop going to bed at 7 (I do miss that).
I know a lot of parents use grandparents and they seem to be the big difference on how people can work unfortunate and they are free.

People do manage with a lot of flexibility, tiredness and often a big change of priorities. I returned to my previously FT career 3 days pw but it sucks. I'm doing what is still virtually a FT job but now for low pay and high stress, plus with nursery fees thrown in. I've started 2 small businesses and plan to quit in the coming months so I can work more unsociable hours when DH can look after our now toddler. I went back and tried but were all miserable!

I can definitely see a future application to home work 4 days a week! My work is quite flexible so even for school I could do pick up drop off etc and then log on again in the evening as needed. It sounds very much like the solution is one or both of us cutting our hours. Based on our work, it makes more sense for me to do it - it frustrates me though because I feel like why is it always Mum!!

We both reduced/condensed our hours. I went part time and do 25.5hrs over three days, which makes longer days but I prefer that way around. My DH compressed his hours to 5 days over 4. It means I get two days a week with my DS and my DH gets a day week. The two days we both work are covered by family/nursery. The days are nursery are long but at the moment it's only one day (will go to two eventually) but it is balanced by the fact my DS gets three days a week with either my DH or me.

I'd look at employing a live-in nanny for those hours, at least then your baby will be cared for in their own home and you won't have to wake them and get them out the door in the mornings.

One thing to bear in mind is when you have a baby EVERYTHING CHANGES. A lot of people don't want to carry on with their old work pattern or job because they have a different perspective on things, not just so they can manage childcare.
Dh and I both went part time in new jobs. I work 3 full days. He does 3 days worth of work but spread over 4 so he can get kids to childcare/school with no rush or stress.
We dont want to live our old full on, full time lives. We like the more leisurely paced, family experience. You may too when it comes to it.

I really went out of my way to make my life as child friendly as possible before getting pregnant. I looked for an employer that had a good repuatiin for working parents where I knew par time hours wouldn't be an issue and also with an understanding boss who is flexible regading time off and working hours.
Then I found somewhere close to work and close to a nursery that can usually accept all children that are registered for the start of each school year and bought a house there.
Now I work part time from 9-3 have a 2 minute work to the nursery and a 12 minute drive to work. Drop DS at the nursery at 8.45 and pick him up at 3.15.

Going part time is the best thing I have ever done and the loss of income is more then made up for by less stress and more time with DS and more time for the things I enjoy.

I went part time after my first child (very part time) but then I became a single parent and work 4 days a week. I have a little bit of flexibility and can pick up from school some days and make up some hours later (from home)

Are there any jobs in your industry that are nearer to home? It sounds like you're currently spending 15 hours a week commuting. You might want to start looking for something nearer to home rather than wearing yourself out. Most nurseries expect a parent to be able to get there within 20-30 minutes in an emergency. Would that be possible for either of you?

If you're working long hours and won't be available to always pick up when the child is poorly (and if your husband can't too) then you'll need a nanny.

I reduced my hours to 3 days a week and work 9-5 close to home so can do pick ups easily. If you're going to struggle with nursery pick ups then school will be a huge headache- that's when the logistics get really tricky.

@Throwntothewolves post is exactly right for options.
As a childminder I have parents who have condensed hours to go to 4 days a week. Quite often one parent drops off and the other collects and they have worked their hours out to allow this. The worst arrangement has been where the dad has decided he is far to important to deal with childcare and it is all left to the mum. She is stressed, always rushing and always complaining that she is unsupported by her dh.

If parents were working really long hours, personally I think you are better with a nanny. It is the most expensive option but probably best for your child. Don’t underestimate how hard it will be to get a child up and dressed and in to childcare by 7am. It’s likely to be exhausting for you and your dc. I used to be a nanny and would often arrive to find the dc were still in bed, or up but not dressed/breakfasted and that was fine. I would just take over at what ever stage the child was at.

With our first child DH had access to a workplace crèche, and he was on site if there was an issue. DS stayed there until school, so no state nursery.

With DS2 I was self employed (IT), so it was a combination of a long maternity break and working PT for regular clients, often in the evening or from home. It’s hard and someone usually has to make sacrifices. Covid has shone a light on how precarious some situations are. School is not childcare, and there will be many times when one of you just won’t be able to work that day.

@MinnieAnonyMouse

I can definitely see a future application to home work 4 days a week! My work is quite flexible so even for school I could do pick up drop off etc and then log on again in the evening as needed. It sounds very much like the solution is one or both of us cutting our hours. Based on our work, it makes more sense for me to do it - it frustrates me though because I feel like why is it always Mum!!

Why is your husband unable to find another employer or put in a flexible working request or a request to reduce hours?

When we had our first I couldn’t afford to drop my hours too much. So I went down to 4 days. She was in nursery 8am - 6pm 3x days a week and my Mum looked after her one day a week. Relying on parents for childcare is hard because if they’re ill there’s not a lot you can do but take the day off yourself. Luckily I had a good relationship with my employers and could be flexible.

I hated it. Early mornings, late nights, rushing through the door, bath then bed. H rarely saw her in the week.

We left quite a bigger gap (8y) between DC1 & DC2 so we could become more financially secure. I only went back to work 2 days per week. I’m now pregnant with DC3 and probably won’t go back.

We run our own business now so I will have some involvement with them as couldn’t imagine not working at all but we’re no longer reliant on my income.

And yes it is predominantly always the Mum who cuts back their hours/career!

Like previous posters have said, it is good to discuss this now with DH but you won't really know how you feel about motherhood and/or returning to work until nearer the time. And whatever you organise for the first five years will then be turned on its head when they start school or when they are sick!

Don't leave looking at nurseries until the last minute as some are booked up way in advance. We used a nursery nearer to home rather than nearer to work so that we could still use nursery when WFH (or having a sneaky day off together to do Christmas shopping!)

I dropped to 32 hours although this was hard because you still try to cram full time responsibilities into part time hours. You do need to be really disciplined - my DH did drop off which meant I had to set Outlook reminders and phone alarms to remind me to drop everything and leave the office at 4.30pm for nursery pick up. We had a combination of condensed hours/3-4 days a week for both of us plus grandparents plus one day at nursery. The nursery day for us was a long day 7.30 to 17.30 which meant that we picked them up and started bedtime as soon as we got home.

But it is different challenges at different ages. Now I am juggling school holidays, breakfast club and after school club hours plus trying to fit in homework, reading and spellings in the evening before bedtime.

Good luck!

Just a word of warning about condensed hours. You are mounting the pressure on yourself before you've even started. If you're already doing say 8/9 hour days, with a commute, to work say 5 days in 4, you're adding in 2+ hours per day for those 4 days. That makes those 4 days incredibly long. Add on broken sleep with a baby / little couple time and its just hard.

The only people I know where compressed hours have worked are those people who worked strictly contracted hours before children. So my SIL did 9-5.30 with an hour for lunch pre-children, never started early / worked late. She went to 5 days in 4, but agreed a 30 min lunch instead of an hour and started at 8am, so did 8am-6pm roughly. It wasn't that much different from what she was doing before.

There's no easy solution. I went down to 3 days but was passed over for promotion the whole time I worked 3 days. As soon as I went back up to 4 days, I was promoted. Depending on what job you do, most firms won't get someone else to do your work whilst you're not there, so you end up checking emails when you're off etc. I also found 4 days was just like doing a full time job just getting paid for 4.

Sorry, I digress...

I changed to a 3 day week and my son is in nursery from 8 until 6 on those days.

Honestly OP, in your position, if you’ve got two good salaries coming in, I’d see if you can get a nanny 4 days a week (and your DP has the baby on the 5th day).

DS is at nursery 8.30-5.30 4 days a week (used to be 5)- and has been since he was 1, as I’m a lone parent and work full time- it’s been fine for him, but it’s eaten me up. If my ex hadn’t shafted me financially, I’d would have greatly preferred a nanny.

We do long hours too so the only option was to accept grand parents helping which we are lucky they love to do and lucky the children love it.

It’s not happening at the moment as I don’t want to risk giving them anything but in normal times grandparents are saviours

If we didn’t have them I would have had to reduce my hours or find a job that fitted around nursery drop offs

@CaMePlaitPas

I think the biggest lie we tell ourselves is that our lives can carry on as they were before children.

I gave my career up. Well, it's technically on hold and I hope to get back to work eventually. In the meantime I get to see every moment of my daughters' lives, the first word, the first step, the first belly-laugh etc. The years are going quickly and they will never be this small again - my kids are 3 and 4 in a few months time.

I've seen all those things in both my DC and DH and I both work full time. We both compress hours and use leave to have DC home more (pre covid).

To the pp who asked, because of the nature of his work, DH can't flexi work. It is fixed hours and changing employer wouldn't change that. Ditto home working. He could reduce his hours (and would if needed) but that's about all he could do.

And in terms of changing my employer so my commute is shorter, my work is quite niche and the companies that do this work are very centrally based so none based closer to where we live. I'd have to change my role quite significantly and it's not something I could do at this stage for a variety of reasons

I might’ve misread but don’t plan on working from home and looking after baby/ young child at the same time. Virtually impossible.

I'll be honest, that whole situation sounds nightmarish. I'm glad you're thinking this all through before you ttc.

Nothing wrong with full time childcare, but it's definitely not for all families. Some children aren't suited well to it.

My personal opinion, may be unpopular, both of you cut down your hours.

Childcare is very expensive. Look at the costs of a full time nursery place, it's eye watering.