How do working parents manage childcare?

[MinnieAnonyMouse]

DH and I are planning to start TTC later this year and are currently discussing how we would manage everything.

One thing that I'm really unsure about is childcare. We both have responsible jobs and work quite long hours. DH leaves home at about 7.15am and returns about 7pm 4 days a week. Pre-covid, I left by 6.30am and didn't get home until generally after 7pm (sometimes 6.30pm if I was lucky, sometimes later) 5 days a week. I can probably swing wfh a day or 2 a week (post covid, currently all from home) in which case the hours are more like 8.30am - 5.30 or 6pm.

It just seems like on that timetable, we'd never see a baby outside of the weekend and the hours are so long! Surely other people have had this? How did you manage / what do you do? It can't be that everyone went part time??

I was doing very long hours, I quit my job as my employer refused to offer any flexibility.

I still work in the same sector but I now work four short days a week instead of putting in a 50 hour week. I also moved closer to work to further reduce time my son was in nursery.

Nursery was easy to manage, if I was working full time I would reallt struggle as after school club finishes at 4:30 and there is a huge shortage of childminders who do primary school pick up in my area.

We used a super childminder for the early years - drop off from 8am and pick up 6pm. But both DH and I had demanding jobs / early morning / late evening meetings and travel. So to manage those extras we had au pairs who would do the morning and early evenings 4 days a week - about 16 hours in total. We ran a military schedule each Sunday.
Then we realised one day that neither of us had seen the kids for almost a whole week and I went part-time, then stopped entirely for a while after third child.

You can organise others to do childcare as long as your budget allows but only you can decide what works best for how you feel once you've had your baby. Good luck.

Ignoring Covid which is a shitshow right now trying to manage!

But in “normal” times I’m a single parent to 3, no ex help and have a director level job full time for context.

I negotiated working from home with just 2 days in the office/travelling. Office is a 2 hour drive away. On my WFH days I work smart, book meetings in school hours, use some sports after school so try not to use breakfast club only in extenuating circumstances, so at least 3 days per week they can be dropped off normally by me at school (was nursery) at 9. Picked up at 6, other than Friday where I would try and do 3.30 so they had me time.

On travelling days I used breakfast club for the early start, grandparents or a paid “girl” (daughter of a friend), do do overnight. At £10 per hour it racks up though, still cheaper than a nanny and someone they know and love.

Abroad travelling is harder and I try to keep this within school holidays where their paternal grandparents will step in.

It’s not easy, I do a lot of work in the night when they are asleep, but they do need you and you need to make sure they get some time with you.

Most GOOD companies if they value you, and trust that you will deliver will negotiate a more flexible working pattern than lose you.

Changed my hours and made DPs more fixed and used nursery. Before DD, DP worked 7/8- 5/6 and I worked 8.30-5. After mat leave DP made sure he finished in time to collect DD by 6pm when nursery shut, we couldn't afford full time hours, so I negotiated later starts and finishes, started midday after dropping DD to nursery at 11.30 and finished at 8.30pm. So I had mornings with DD and DP had evenings with her.

I went down to three days a week when I went back. I have a similar commute during non-COVID time to you. The days I was in the office I swapped my core hours from 9-5 to 8-4. My husband shifted his working day slightly later and he did drop off, and then I was back in time for pick up. My nursery is open 8-6. It is hard, as there were some days I barely saw DS, as I'd leave before he woke up and then he'd be so tired by pick up he'd pretty much go straight to bed.

Since we've been working from home I've gone up to 4 days a week. We drop him off at 8.50 and pick him up at 5.10 and it's so much nicer. Hoping that when we go back to normal times we'll be able to wfh much more and on alternate days so this can continue.

Also, you just have to be much stricter about working hours. It didn't matter how busy I was or what pressures there were, I had to walk out of the door at 4pm if I was going to catch the train in time to get home for pick up. It's an adjustment, especially if you're in the mindset of staying late etc. I work my exact contracted hours in the day and then if I'm busy, will do some work after DS is in bed at night. My priorities have shifted massively, work isn't important enough to me to miss out on time I could be spending with my child.

I was a single parent, and it was crazy. Most of the things I did aren't available to you, but ds wasnin nursery from just before 8 to 6 every day, meaning that yesbasicallly I just fed him and put him to bed during the week. The most helpful thing I did was to have him in nursery close to work , so I could get to him quickly at the end of the day-but I only had a 40 minute commute.
You may struggle finding a nursery that starts at 7.30 tbh. Can you do a childminder? Or can you start later and do the drop off and do the pick up?
It is a logistical nightmare!

I think it's something you have to really balance up. Even my most heroic-super women friends have struggled with finding the balance, and there does have to be a compromise, and to some extent, most people have to choose between being a parent and being career driven. Some people manage, but I find it's mostly those with lots of family support.

Even when you return to work after maternity leave (however long that is) you'll be doing that 90 min commute likely with sleep deprivation. There will be times when your LO had a tummy bug/chicken pox/ high temp and can't go to nursery, and you or your partner will have to have to let down somebody at work because there is just no other option.
You may find that the cost of full time childcare is going to wipe out most of one of your salary. I went part time, but even so, the childcare for half a week cost me half my wages. It till a lot of effort and stress for little financial return, and I don't think I was a very good mother or employee at that time, and maybe that's because I was also shouldering perinatal depression : some things you don't plan for.

If your partner and your partner's jobs are such that there is no option of flexibility, then maybe now is not the time to TTC. If that decision seems unbearable, then maybe you will looking into changing job/moving house/ checking the companies policies/talking to HR.

It depends on your respective career goals/paths, incomes, expenses, availability of family nearby, availability of childcare nearby...

I went self-employed before DD was born and basically worked around her, DH as the higher earner carried on 5 days a week outside the home. It has the advantage of someone (me) always around for illnesses, holidays etc, but the obvious disadvantage to my career. And it works for us because DH’s earnings were much higher than mine, and (unlike me) he actually liked his job. So far (three years on) it works for us, and I’ve now gone into a different but still very flexible role.

I stopped work for a host of reasons, don't regret it for a second, back at work now and don't feel work wise I've missed a beat but my once beautiful baby is a sulking teen locked in her room all day!

I gave my job up, I used to work a split shift and husband works away. No childcare from grandparents and nursery hours didn’t work with my hours so I gave up work. It was easy for me I didn’t particularly like my job and my husband earns enough.

My brother and SIL really struggle with childcare, so much so they are moving across country so I can help.

Oh god yes!! 1⃣ Forgets the endless illness and sleepless night, or coming unto bed and puking everywhere cue endless middle of the night bed change for us or and them!

The one dd got hurting legs at night!! Always! Moaning groaning in bed with us...

It just seems like on that timetable, we'd never see a baby outside of the weekend

Well, that’s inevitable isn’t it-if you work those hours, you’ll only see the baby as much as you used to see each other which will be weekends , as the baby will be going to bed in the evening.

Full time nursery 7-7 is going to be eye-wateringly expensive, sadly.

Some people manage, but I find it's mostly those with lots of family support.

I don't find that. We have no family support and none of our friends have regular family support and we all have young children and work. Short commute is key for most people I know though

When we had first DS we both worked at the same place about 10 minutes from home and childminder. I started work early and DH did drop off then I finished at 4 and did pick up. Our 2nd DS came along 5 years later so DS1 started school just before my maternity leave and I reduced my hours for 3 months and then had maternity leave for 5 months. My MIL looked after DS2 and did school pick ups. I had a more demanding job that included international travel and I was away from home at least 1 week every month. DS2 started part time nursery when he was 2 and I worked 4 days in the weeks I was at home. My MIL became unwell when DS2 was 6 and everything turned to shit. The school didn’t provide any after school care and I couldn’t find a childminder or nursery to have them. Could you both work slightly less than full time, maybe 32.5 hours and both do one or two days from home. It is really hard and the unsolvable maths problem never goes away. I hope up you find a way to make it work.

I was a single mum working full time and made it work by choosing a childminder very close to my work so I could drop ds off and be in work within minutes.
The same in the evening, so I could work the max no. of hours.
It also meant I was close by if ds was poorly.

I start early so I can do pickup in the evening and DH starts later and does the drop-off. Pre-COVID DD went 8-6 to the childminder, now 8:30 to 5:30 (both wfh). Without either some flexibility on one or both of the employers's side, or help from family it may be difficult. A nanny / nannyshare may be another option, but that tends to be more expensive.

@MinnieAnonyMouse, to cover those hours of childcare - both an early start and a late finish, without impacting your and partner’s working hours you will probably be best off with a nanny. I’m in W/S Yorks, most nurseries I know are open 7.30 to 7.45 am to 6pm. (This is also true of school wrap around clubs). Nurseries may possibly be open later in the big cities -Leeds maybe - but I wouldn’t think by very much.

Babies do have a way of making people rethink their work patterns and financial priorities. You are allowed to ask for PT/wfh/condensed hours/9 day fortnight or any other nonstandard working arrangements, although your employer does not have to allow this, but post Covid employers may have more confidence of this having had it forced upon them.

There is good reason why it is common for people to take a career break, change jobs or retrain when they become parents, with many difficult decisions to make along the way. I know children that went to nursery full time at 6 months and now go to boarding school relatively nearby so as not to impact their parents’ careers. I know families where both parents went p/t, or where one gave up work entirely (sometimes by choice, sometimes by redundancy). There are many tunes you can play on the time/money/childcare/career spectrum. Don’t forget that your partner can take shared parental leave too, and I would encourage you to do this, so you don’t become the default parent in time to come, who is expected to deal with all doctors appts, dental checkups, haircuts, school concerts, birthday parties, sick children being sent home etc.

Good luck with TTC and finding your way through parenting.

DH hours were roughly out of the house at 7 back sometime between 5 and 8pm or out of the country sometimes for up to 6 weeks at a time. He did miss a lot of the D.C. younger years but had a very generous holiday entitlement which he used fully
My commute was short on purpose, and we went with a nanny for flexibility with my DM as back up, nanny’s hours were 8-6 and she would do breakfast, school runs and tea as they got older so when I was in I could do playtime, bath and bed, my D.C. always had quite a late bedtime so if I tried to get home for 5.30 we had 2 hours of mummy time. Fridays one of us would try to be home by 4, we had a cleaner and tried to make weekends fun

It’s true that you do hardly see them if you work 9-5, and they are very tired when you get them home so it’s straight to bed. I only work p/t and 15 mins walk from the nursery but on my 9-5 days often find my baby is too tired to bath her in the evenings. Sometimes I do her bath in the morning instead.

I often see people commenting that after school child care is impossible to get, but when I asked my eldest’s school about that they said no-one had ever been refused a place. My son goes to after school club in normal times and there is a breakfast club too. It’s soooo much cheaper than nursery/childminder. Maybe it varies by region how easy it is to get wraparound school childcare.

Could you afford a nanny until they are school age?

I went part time. I don’t understand why anyone starts trying for a family when both parents work long hours

I reduced my hours by 40%, matched the pay my Mum gave up to mind DD 2 days a week and DH still did 2 afternoons and at least one sometimes 2 pick ups from school.
Your current situation is unsustainable with a baby. You will either be working long hours to pay for someone else to look after your baby or come up with a different arrangement. As some people have already said, very few nurseries will offer those hours. So even with a nursery you might need some additional arrangement.
Plus, this all changes again once they are school age or at a school nursery in which case you will also have to factor in school holidays. Plus wrap around care is not a given.
It's a good thing that you are thinking about this though!

Agree with PP who said your current arrangement is totally unworkable with a baby

you also need to make sure that you are both on board with the equal share of school holidays and sick days - it cant all be down to you.

equally if you take maternity leave dont allow your DH to slack off on what he currently does on housework (assuming you do a 50-50 split on it all) because its bloody hard to grab that back if you have taken over everything 'because you are at home' and too many women get sucked into the belief that it will be easier to cut down hours or be a SAHM. make sure that it is fair before you even consider baby no 2, because thats when it gets REALLY hard if people havent been pulling their weight

I was a SAHP until DS started school. I was lucky enough to find a school hours job initially, I'm single now and pay for a breakfast club and holiday club in the school holidays.