How do working parents manage childcare?

[MinnieAnonyMouse]

DH and I are planning to start TTC later this year and are currently discussing how we would manage everything.

One thing that I'm really unsure about is childcare. We both have responsible jobs and work quite long hours. DH leaves home at about 7.15am and returns about 7pm 4 days a week. Pre-covid, I left by 6.30am and didn't get home until generally after 7pm (sometimes 6.30pm if I was lucky, sometimes later) 5 days a week. I can probably swing wfh a day or 2 a week (post covid, currently all from home) in which case the hours are more like 8.30am - 5.30 or 6pm.

It just seems like on that timetable, we'd never see a baby outside of the weekend and the hours are so long! Surely other people have had this? How did you manage / what do you do? It can't be that everyone went part time??

We live in a commuter area about an hour from London terminals. Where both parents commute, families often use a nanny or have come up with complex flexible working schedules which enable one to drop at nursery and one to collect. So, our neighbours both WFH a day each. On that day, the WFH parent does drops and pick-up and the other does a long day at the office. On the other days, mum has negotiated a 10am start, so does the 8am nursery drop, then drives to the station. Dad goes in early so he can leave at 4.15, which allows him to get the 4.40ish train, jump in car at the station and collect children by 6. Mum gets home around 7 and sees the kids for bedtime.

In reality, most families here have one parent working part-time or not at all. We tried full-time but it didn’t work for us. We found it stressful and were all too tired to enjoy the weekends.

We struggled, combinations of long commutes and 9 hours in the office everyday. DD1 were in FT nursery, I gave up my career after DS2 and stayed at home for 9 years. I returned to work since but no where earn as much as I did. It's tough choice, I would have worked part time if I could.

In normal times when not WFH everyday, I left home at 6:30am and get back about 5:30-6pm in time for pick-up from childcare. My DH leaves at 7:30, drops DC at childcare and then goes to work. So, essentially, we do one drop off each and use the maximum childcare hours (7:30-6pm).

Before having DC I worked longer into the evenings in the office but had no choice but to leave at 4:30pm/5pm to commute home to be there in time for pick-up after DC came along. I can always log on at home in the evening after bedtime if needed. Thankfully, I also WFH once a week in normal times too, which means DC could just do regular childcare hours (8/8:30 - 5:30) as I had no commute to juggle.

It's difficult and before babies I had no idea how we'd cope... but in reality you just have to find flexibility in work where you can, schedule work patterns so that one of you can do each end of the day etc.

I reduced to 4 days a week after my first child then 3 days a week after my second. I also used a childminder rather than nursery which might be worth looking at as they can be more flexible with hours. However, they might charge more for starting work very early or working until after 5.30/6pm

Well I think its your mindset that has to change, sorry.

It might sound harsh, but rather than think "how do we manage childcare with our existing schedules?", the question should be "what do we want to change so we can spend more time with the baby?".

It might be that neither of you is prepared to go part time / reduce your hours, change employers to get more flexibility - and there's nothing wrong with that BUT as you've identified, its not without its difficulties (probably a nanny is the only solution, but thats obviously expensive).

Alternatively, you agree between you how you're going to make changes. I do think there is an acceptance from women to make the changes rather than men, and it shouldn't be like that. My H and I both compromised - he stayed in a job with little progression but with some flexibility so he could do all the nursery drop offs. He still got to work by 9pm, but it wasn't 7am or 8am like it was pre-children. I left at 6am (I had a 60 mile commute both ways), got to work for about 7.45 but left at 4.15pm so I could do pick up about 5.45pm. H stayed until about 6pm/6.30pm so got home about 7.15pm so he saw the DC for a short time before bed.

Juggling nursery sounds hard until you realise it is much easier than school (sorry!) you basically have to stagger who does pick up and drop-off and accept one of you has to leave for collection.

School is a whole world of logistical challenges. Many do a staggered start for reception where you faff around with 1/2 days, you’ve got holidays and you generally have to feed children after long hours of wraparound. With nursery you just grab the child and a bag and their needs are sorted. With school, you have their homework, friendship dramas, make sure they have dinner etc.

I think it's hard to imagine how you're going to feel once you've had a baby. Pre baby I confidently said I'll go back 'at least 4 days a week' once dd was born the thought of leaving her that long was horrendous.

I ended up going back 2.5 days a week!! She's now nearly 15yo and I'm still not working full time in fact I'd say she needs me now more than ever.

Having a baby makes you rethink everything, your priorities completely change.

I have known v few families where both parents are out of the house 7-7, 5 days a week in those early years.
Those that I have known have had an extremely professional nanny to provide wrap around care. You are right it means you won't really see your child during the week, and that this will affect your relationship. The nanny will effectively be their primary carer, hence why people pay to have an excellent one.
I know lots of couples where they find a flexible approach either by one or both going part time. As well as the obvious 3 days a week(I know lots of lawyers who do this), a couple of good friends both work 4 days a week, spread over 5 short days(so the children have shorter days in childcare). Similarly, you could work 5 days over 4 each. Could your husband work one less long shift?
Basically, people find the flexibility in their jobs.
I know people who have asked their employer to just drop one day, and that has had a massive impact on their work/life balance.
I also know couples where after having the children, one parent decides they are happy to look after the children(more commonly the woman, but I know an increasing amount of men).
I know of two couples where one gave up work for a few years, then they swapped(both are now back at work with all children well into school years).
I also know of lots of people who now work free lance from home(pr, writers, graphic designers etc). This has worked very well for some as they are able to control their work load.
It is up to you to try and find what works for you and your partner, but you are right that there are not that many families with under 5s where both parents continue with their 7-7 career(from my experience).

Very wise to look at all your options prior to TTC.
My view is you can't have it all! (A lot of people will disagree but that's my opinion) You will see a lot of threads on here talking about childcare costs vs going to work, stressed about leaving your child at nursery, struggling with lack of sleep while you are both working full time etc. You and your OH have to have a long discussion about what is right for you and your family. You both work long hours and you have a long commute. Having childcare for those hours is going to cost £££ and it is true that you will only see baby on weekends (maybe bed time if it's later than 7pm).
What time trying to say is something has got to give!
We decided early on that it would be better for me to take the full maternity leave (not shared leave as we did have that option) and that in my line of work I could go part time and quite easily go back up to full time when children get older. I work 13 hour shifts including weekends and nights so maximum needing 1-2 days per week (sometimes 0) for childcare.
Everyone is different, everyone's lives and priorities are different!

Nursery is easy compared to school. We ended up moving and then going to appeal to find an after school club from 3-6pm. No breakfast club on offer.... Before that we were reliant on a hit and miss taxi company picking up and dropping off at a after school club. The taxi always turned up but didn't always take DS1 to the right place. Thankfully DS1 was a robust 4/5 year old....

My baby is arriving in a few weeks - I’ll be going back 4 days rather than 5! And have already negotiated to change my hours to 8-4.30!

Husband will work 4 days too and he will do the drop off at the nursery at 8 and head straight to work ! He will work later - til 6 probably.

I can always do pick up and we both have a day off with the baby

A lot of work places are more flexible these days!

I’d try and push for it - do others on your work have children? What do they do? Work the same hours still?

We had our first in nursery 9-6 every day. When you have a kid you have to work shorter hours. You will figure out how to work more efficiently at work and be home in time for pick up, maybe work a bit in the evenings too. Can your DP go to normal hours five days a week instead so his work is within nursery hours?

In the end for us we got fed up with the long hours, no time off if kids were sick, ridiculous nursery fees, and moved abroad 🥴 both now happily full time with much better work life balance and all home together by 5 every evening.

I don’t think you can have it all either. Something has to give if both have crazy jobs and work hours. I moved job before TTC to benefit from flexible working culture and wfh, shorter working week than my previous employer (35 vs 40 hour week etc).

I think you basically have to compromise something, unfortunately that is the nature of working full time with a child unless 'full time' means 9-5 with flexibility and a commute of

Sorry, posted too soon:

• Get a nanny and work long hours, barely see their kids
• Mad rushes for drop offs/pick ups spread between the parents, lots of stress and leaving work early/arriving late; plus then work after their kids have gone to bed
• Go part time
• Change careers to something that is actually 9-5 or where they can do flex time
• Move house to have zero commute
• Give up work

I cut my hours dramatically and moved from varying shifts to fixed shifts.

We looked at what we were funding with our salaries and cut away all non essential spending, knowing that it wouldn't be forever. Basically we lived a lot simpler life.
When DS was about a year old I changed jobs to one that offered flexi time.
It was actually harder when he started school when I had 6 weeks holiday and school holidays add up to 13 weeks across the year.

Definitely glad we're discussing now - DH's initial response was "well other people manage so we'll just get childcare" - I've pointed out about nurseries not running that late / flexibility etc.

In terms of work, mine is more flexible than DH's - his is very much set time and cannot work outside them. In terms of earnings, DH is currently the higher earner but I will likely out earn him as I progress.

The ideal if we can't cut hours sounds like we both do condensed hours (DH already does) and I wfh 3 days. So my day off, wfh 3 days to do drop offs etc, DH day off and I'm in the office. No idea whether my work would go for it. Otherwise, may need to look at 4 days in 3 style condensed and 1 day wfh to cover the day we're both working.

Totally agree about not being the only one to make sacrifices though. I have some more flexibility to do sick from school style collections but on the days when I can't, I REALLY can't.

It’s not at all unworkable I don’t think, it sounds like it would work fine to me (though I live on the outskirts of London where long commutes etc are pretty standard, pre Covid that is).

I’d really think about it from what it’ll be like for your baby, and if you think about it, it’ll be 1 day a week with dad (I think you said he works 4 days), 2 days when you’re working from home so shorter days in nursery (by shorter I mean 8-5 or something, it’s all relative!) then for the 2 very long days I’d probably get a Nanny so the baby can be at home, going to parks and baby classes etc.

We had very similar when my babies were little and worked great. I mean, sure who wouldn’t want more time with their baby but you can have lovely weekends and evenings and from the perspective of what your baby’s weeks will be like (which was always my priority) it sounds absolutely fine.

I went pt. No family help so DC went to nursery from four and five months. Then childminders and after school clubs. Then DH and I taking annual leave opposite to each other. Then holiday clubs.
One big massive childcare juggle for almost fourteen years which has cost us well over £50k into the bargain.
And that's without thinking about sickness, snow days, teachers strikes etc etc.

Nanny! Although those are really long hours and it will be a high cost. I think even if you manage to reduce the hours down then a nanny is the best choice .

Could you also compress your hours so you are off perhaps a different day of the week, this will help keep costs down.
Apart from that I don't know to be honest, our nursery used to take DS at 7.30am (obviously you would pay a premium!) and I would collect him by 5. I changed my work hours to 8-4 and luckily had a short commute.
I think generally something has to give, or you get a nanny or some individual who is willing to do very long hours.
We were lucky. Family on hand. My very flexible job.
DH and I agreed that I would keep my flexible but lower paid job and he would continue in his higher paid less flexible role.
Therefore I've always been the 'drop everything' parent which is hard but I think worth it as overall I get more time with the kids and I luckily don't have too many worries about being exactly on time etc, provided my work is done.

You won’t find a nursery or childminder to fit those hours
And yes it costs a bloody fortune
Our youngest starts school in September and that’ll be end of childcare for us after 9 expensive years can’t wait
If commute isn’t avoidable I’d be thinking new job before ttc

I went down to 4 days a week, DP did compressed hours so we both had one day each with DD and 3 days nursery. Staggered our working hours as much as possible so one of us started early and one worked late so we could do drop offs/ pick ups. Caught up on hours on the day the other person was off.

Nursery costs a fortune for long hours but it's only a few years until you start getting some free hours.

I leave the house at 7:30, taking dd on the commute with me - in non covid times we drop older dd to school breakfast club and then baby dd to nursrry at 8:15. I collect baby dd at 5:30 and we are usually home by 6. Her doing the commute with me is a short term option as we are moving closer to work but even a 30/40 min drive with her has its disadvantages so not sure I would want to do it as a long term option.

Your options are pribably:
—nursery that caters for NHS staff or other shift type staff, as ours opens 7-7,combined with some jigger poker for shift from you both
-childminder who opens long hours.

• nanny