Just read something-what do I do? Trigger warning - rape **title edited by MNHQ**

[randomstuff]

Just found a written note in my 16 year old DD’s bedroom basically saying she was plied with alcohol and raped. She has written down what she remembers about the incident. The letter was hidden inside a cushion. It sounds as though she knows the person and went to his house. I have no idea what to do.

To provide some context on our relationship, about 3 years ago she started to change, withdrew from the family, me especially. She doesn’t like me kissing or hugging her. She doesn’t want to spend time with me doing normal stuff DDs do with moms. She has been seeing CAMHS for a couple of years. She self harms and was diagnosed with emotional dysfunction a couple of weeks ago. ED is linked to trauma. My DD says she doesn’t know what her trauma was, she says the same to CAMHS. She sees CAMHS on her own (her choice) with me waiting outside the room.

What the hell do I do? The note was obviously not meant to be found or for me to read.

Just to add I split from her dad when she was 3. He was a violent, aggressive alcoholic (still is). I remarried and I haven’t told my husband about the note.

I’d talk to her, gently explain you found it, reassure her that you lover her, you don’t judge and you won’t do anything she doesn’t want you to do.

I’d also get some therapy for you.

Im sorry this has happened.

Oh god op I have no advice but my heart breaks for you tonight x

She goes into a lot of detail and I’m absolutely sick to my stomach to read these things.

I’m absolutely livid with the guy. What if he took photos of her or recorded her? she talks about being in and out of consciousness

I’m going to speak to DD later today when we are home alone. Any other thoughts on how to handle this? I have a feeling she will fly off the handle and refuse to speak to me about it all.

Oh you poor thing. I really feel for both of you. I am no expert and have no experience, so I hope better qualified people see this thread and respond.

I think, if it were me, I'd make sure to have a plausible response when she asks how you found the note. The last thing you want is for a row to erupt about that without tackling the real issue.

And then just keep reminding her that you love her, will always love her, how precious she is, etc.

And I wouldn't be surprised if it takes several days/conversations before she opens up. It's going to be tough for you both, but I hope that by uncovering this, she'll be able to make progress with CAHMS.

Finding the letter was pure chance, I was changing her bedding and moved the cushion. When I turned the cushion around it was obvious that something had been hidden inside it. When I opened the zip I found two a4 pages of paper, folded up. I hesitated before deciding to read it, but still read it. I was hoping it would help me understand what has been going on in her mind (she’s such a closed book with me). I wasn’t expecting this though...

I know I need to tread carefully and be understanding but I have so many questions to ask DD: who is the guy, where did she meet him, how old is he, does she still see him, when did this happen (was it years, months or weeks ago), has she had a period since, could she be pregnant. I’m scared she may still be seeing this guy or another guy....

And the guy, if I knew where he lived I would confront him and make it clear that he raped my DD. He violated her in the worst possible way, he took advantage, got her drunk. She said no

If she's written it down and left it in a place you might find it could be she wants you to find it.

Start with telling her "I found a letter/note" you wrote when I was tidying your room.
Stop and see her reaction. She may want to talk, she may pull back. Judge your reaction from hers.

Sorry posted too soon. I know you feel that she didn't want you to see it, but the act of writing it down says that maybe she wants it to be there, physically with the ability to be heard.
She may not have planned for you to see it, but she may be relieved that you have.

Randomstuff: I don’t normally post on Chat, but saw this in Active and wanted to respond. I’m so sorry this happened - especially for your daughter but for you too. It’s harrowing.

If you’d feel comfortable reposting this on the Women's Rights/“Feminist Chat” board, it would be appropriate and welcome and you might more quickly get responses from people who have done and do rape crisis and safeguarding work: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights

One thing I’d say (as a rape survivor and as someone who has done some volunteer, but not professional, rape crisis work and anti-rape advocacy) is that responses to rape/sexual assault are extremely varied - be prepared for anything from her: grief and/or anger sure, and possibly self-blame - but there can also be denial, minimisation, even joking, etc. Sometimes even things that could seem inappropriate/shocking. It’s all part of the very individual processing of trauma.

Also, it’s often very hard for a recent rape survivor to have people she knows be aware of the situation. For some, it somehow makes it feel more “real”, less compartmentalised. If no one knows, you can go about ordinary life and then grieve and rage in private - but once someone in your "real life" knows... you worry that people you love, people close to you, will somehow see you “differently” even if they say otherwise. I’m absolutely not saying you shouldn’t talk to her, I think you have to. But do tell her up front that you respect her privacy, and that others (like your husband) don’t know, and won’t unless she wants their help/support.

Sometimes it’s also easier for a survivor to call a rape crisis hotline - where the caller’s identity is protected and she can hang up if it gets too uncomfortable. You might suggest this to her, if she shuts you down - just pass her local contact information and tell her it’s up to her to call or not when and if she’s ready, but that help is out there. If and when she needs it, she can get advice about any health concerns she may have, whether and how to report, if she wants (and what to expect), and how to protect herself if this person is a potential danger to her. Above all, remind her you’re always there for her if she wants to talk, even if she’s not ready now.

Thanks @margaretthursday.

I must admit, that thought never occurred to me. I just hope she opens up and talks to me.

I'm so sorry you're having to cope with this OP, you clearly care deeply for your daughter and for her well-being she's lucky to have you
The fact that she wrote it all out suggest a desire to process what happened to try and work through it rather than bury it completely so I want to say that that is positive start
Clearly this is a serious matter and I am not a professional, these types of things are very damaging but often the damage is compounded and healing is prevented when the loved ones of a victim are not supportive
handling this sensitively and carefully the fact that you genuinely do care and are in her corner ...this will go a long way toward mitigating the damage.
sending you strength and hoping you can get advice from someone who has knowledge and experience in this area 🙏💗

My advice is to prepare the ground carefully before starting to talk about the rape. Explain that you feel uncertain how to approach this,that you understand her distress and that you'll listen,then do this. Let your daughter set the agenda and don't pile her with lots of questions initially as this conversation doesn't need to be completed in one day. If your daughter becomes overwhelmed agree with her that you can come back to it and let her set the time and date and keep to it.
Remember that your daughter felt out of control and that her boundaries were trampled over during the crime, so be careful to not replicate the environment.

Remind her that she's done nothing wrong when appropriate during the conversation and formulate a plan together.

Don't be in a rush to get it wrong.

Consider going for a walk/drive where you can be side by side and not face to face as that can be intense.

I’m so so sorry for you and your Dd. How incredibly devastating for you.

I would also call Rape crisis and get their advice before you speak to your Dd.

Omg- I did not mean to add a bear. Sorry

Can you take a copy of what she's written down in case she destroys it as a reaction? She may regret that later if she decides to report etc she needs to know that she can speak to rape crisis without reporting to the police, but she can decide to report it further down the line.
I'm sorry this has happened to your dd, I hope that things will get easier

OP, I think this thread should really have a trigger warning.

I have no experience of this at all and someone may come along and say this is the wrong approach but could you leave a note for her on her pillow? Tell her you've found her note and read it. That you weren't sure if it was meant for you but you love and support her and will be there for her 100%. That way she still has some control on the situation. She can decide to come to you knowing that it's a safe conversation to have or she might not. She might still be angry but it gives her some time to process things.

Thanks for all the advice. I’m quite new to Mumsnet, more of a lurker than a poster. I’m not sure how to post in the other area like someone suggested or how to do a trigger warning

@randomstuff You can report your thread (click on 3 dots on your first post - your opening post) and ask MN to add a trigger warning to the title. They'll do it for you.

Thank you.

Also I took photos of the note yesterday. I’ve had to re-read it a few times for it all to sink in.

Hello OP, just to let you know that we've added that trigger warning for you now. Very best wishes from everyone here at MNHQ.

Thank you.

Please don't start quizzing your daughter about the details. That would feel completely violating.

Like a PP said, prepare the ground. I would spend a few days / weeks making it clear that you are 100% supportive of rape victims. Maybe talk about the Brock Turner case, make it clear that this is rape and cases like this are disgusting. Some people downplay the spiked drink type of rape with "well you drank the alcohol, what did you think would happen?" so it's easier for those victims to blame themselves. If your daughter knows you will be sympathetic then she'll be more likely to open up to you of her own accord. Demanding to know his address so you can go around there and call him a rapist is completely counterproductive and if she suspects you're going to be a loose cannon then she won't tell you anything.

When / if she does tell you please stay calm, tell her you love her, keep her confidence, don't ring all the wider family and start telling them about it. Don't push her to report it to the police if she doesn't want to, just listen and support her.

Good luck, I hope your daughter is OK