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Original poster

Just read something-what do I do? Trigger warning - rape **title edited by MNHQ**

55 replies

randomstuff · 07/02/2021 00:23

Just found a written note in my 16 year old DD’s bedroom basically saying she was plied with alcohol and raped. She has written down what she remembers about the incident. The letter was hidden inside a cushion. It sounds as though she knows the person and went to his house. I have no idea what to do.

To provide some context on our relationship, about 3 years ago she started to change, withdrew from the family, me especially. She doesn’t like me kissing or hugging her. She doesn’t want to spend time with me doing normal stuff DDs do with moms. She has been seeing CAMHS for a couple of years. She self harms and was diagnosed with emotional dysfunction a couple of weeks ago. ED is linked to trauma. My DD says she doesn’t know what her trauma was, she says the same to CAMHS. She sees CAMHS on her own (her choice) with me waiting outside the room.

What the hell do I do? The note was obviously not meant to be found or for me to read.

OP posts:
Original poster
randomstuff · 07/02/2021 17:09

Thanks everyone Flowers

I spoke to DD and followed the tips you all gave. She broke down and we had a good chat, she said she doesn’t want to do anything about it. It happened in Oct last year, she confided in 2 friends and they have supported her a lot, one more so than the other. She wrote the note a few weeks ago.

The boy admitted what he did, when she pushed him to. She drank alcohol and smoked weed with the boy before he gave her a drink with something in it, she thinks it was some kind of drug, it burnt her throat. She said she thought the boy was her friend and she trusted him. She has started to remember more about what happened, more than what she wrote down Shock. She thinks he took photos of her. She thought she was pregnant after it happened but she has had 3 periods since. She mentioned getting tested for STD’s as she thinks the boy had sexual encounters with others (possibly similar to this one). I told her I will book her an appointment. I advised her of the support available through Rape crises but she’s not ready to reach out yet, which is fair enough. She said she would never have confided in me about this and she feels dirty and has been having nightmares about it.

I tried my best to reassure her as you all suggested. It kills me to know she has had to/is going through this.

Sorry my response is all jumbled, it was a lot to take in.

Could she still be pregnant despite the periods? He only wore the condom for part of the incident, which went on for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
randomstuff · 07/02/2021 17:10

I also kept reminding her it wasn’t her fault and she was in no way to blame for what happened.

OP posts:
dublingirl66 · 07/02/2021 17:18

I'm so so sorry

What a shock xxxxx

Atalune · 07/02/2021 17:19

Oh I bet the relief for her is huge.

But this is just the start, the trauma will be ongoing and at each stage I think she will need more/less from you and other professionals.

I think she was so brave to be able to talk to you about it. So keep going.

I would also keep gently talking to her and making her aware if her options re prosecution and police.

The “boy” should be held to account.

The photos/filming would have me worrying- where are they? Will they pop up down the line?

I’m sorry if I am getting the age wrong, but your Dd was 13. If he has pictures then the punishments and repercussions are huge. It’s child abuse. It’s child abuse images. Much much more serious for the boy (good).

Original poster
randomstuff · 07/02/2021 17:31

I am so proud of her for sharing and being open and agree she will need support from others. I don’t want to push this yet but will mention her options from time to time.

She was 16 when it happened.

OP posts:
peboh · 07/02/2021 17:34

Oh op I'm sorry for what your daughter has been through! It sounds like you're an incredible mum!
I hope that by talking to you she has found a little bit more peace. I think you are doing the best thing by not pushing her, just make her aware of all her options and that no matter what you will back her 100%.

o8O8O8o · 07/02/2021 17:39

Wish I'd had a mum like you randomstuffStarHalo

HollowTalk · 07/02/2021 18:14

What a horrible thing for her to go through and what a bastard that boy is. I do hope your daughter finds the strength to go to the police eventually and that she keeps any evidence of messages, too.

Original poster
randomstuff · 07/02/2021 18:57

Trust me when I say I am far from a great mum, my reaction to it all would have been completely different if it wasn’t for all of the support and guidance from Mumsnetters. Thanks everyone.

Good point about the messages, she has probably deleted them though. I will ask when we next talk about it.

OP posts:
PopperUppleton · 07/02/2021 19:36

I'm sure you're telling her as well as us how proud you are of her Smile

Thanks for her and for you

MiJulee · 07/02/2021 20:47

Sending hugs for you and your daughter Thanks

o8O8O8o · 07/02/2021 21:11

my reaction to it all would have been completely different
you say that, but your reaction was to seek support and guidance, you took time and effort to do the best you could for your child
that's a great parent in my bookStar

AlwaysCheddar · 07/02/2021 21:17

I would speak to the police for advice too.

Thelnebriati · 07/02/2021 21:22

You're doing a fantastic job.
I'm so sorry to say this, but it would be a good idea if she goes for an STI checkup. Flowers

TurquoiseDragon · 07/02/2021 21:34

@o8O8O8o

my reaction to it all would have been completely different you say that, but your reaction was to seek support and guidance, you took time and effort to do the best you could for your child that's a great parent in my bookStar
I'd like to echo this. OP, you're doing great.

I notice your DD has brought up the issue of STIs, so I'd help her with that when she's ready.

Krook · 07/02/2021 21:44

OP, this is awful but you are handling it so well. It's so hard to watch your child suffer, so particularly when you discover they have been suffering in silence Sad
There are one or two wonderful and very supportive private FB groups for parents dealing with their child's mental health issues and traumas. I can PM you the details if you would like.

Gazelda · 07/02/2021 22:48

Your DD has a lovely Mum. I'm so pleased she opened up to you.

looselegs · 07/02/2021 23:03

You are handling this brilliantly x Something similar happened to my daughter, but she managed to talk her way out of it. Took her a while to tell me what happened- we were on holiday at the time and when she told me we were back home but I could pinpoint it due to her behaviour. She didn't want to take it any further and report it, although I messaged the boy involved and told him to leave her alone (he was messaging her) or I would message his mum, and get the police involved. And I would send her older brother round to rip his head off.
Keep the lines of communication open and be kind to yourself too x

RAOK · 07/02/2021 23:17

I’m glad you know and you are able to support your daughter through this with CAHMS support too. Do you know what happened 3 years ago to cause her behaviour to change so dramatically?

meow1989 · 07/02/2021 23:30

Oh op I'm so sorry to hear this, your poor daughter and poor you. It sounds like even though times have been tough for a few years she felt confident and safe enough to disclose this to you when asked and that's a huge thing. What she needs is to know she's not to blame in any way and that you love and support her, and it.sounds like that's what you have given her.

I suppose practically, has she had an sti test and is there any chance of pregnancy? I suppose part of me also wonders whether something like this may have happened before (though I hope to goodness not) based on what you have said about withdrawal etc, but pushing that probably isn't a good idea at all.

Would your daughter feel comfortable raising it with camhs? Or for you to/ to support her in a session?

I think you're in a really difficult position re: what to do next and I don't know what the answer is. Of course if she's not ready to take it further that needs to be respected. But (although absolutely it is not her responsibility regarding potential others nor should that message be communicated to her), the comment about other girls potentially having had the same experience with this boy are so so worrying. I wonder if there's some sort of anonymous support organisation you could chat it through with?

meow1989 · 07/02/2021 23:32

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see the bit about periods, that's one less hurdle.

Whyyyyyythough · 07/02/2021 23:35

You sound like you’re doing a fantastic job

muppette · 08/02/2021 06:24

Firstly I am so very sorry - this news is something no mother should have to hear, and no child have endured. How alone she must feel, bless her, with this unspeakable experience.

I would tread very gently. You are in shock yourself right now. But always remind yourself how anything you say or do must be carefully considered from now on to be the absolute best way of helping her recover. I might almost say nothing fir a few days while you process it and get used to the fact. You don't want her now also having to feel responsible for the burden of your shock, grief and anger.

I don't think you should jump in with a lot of questions. In fact I'd probably seek processional advice as to how best to approach it with her.

I imagine one reason she's not said has bend fear that matters would be taken out of her control and the boy would be arrested etc and she pressured to testify. And other people would know. When you've been violated, it is even worse to think of others knowing. It is further shame and humiliation. Be prepared to reassure her this song suddenly become a public prosecution matter.

I think do some research on how best to bring this up and deal with it, before you wade in. This is such a delicate matter. But I'm sure it's best you know, as now you can properly help her. Bless her 😔 💐

muppette · 08/02/2021 06:26

Sorry!!! Scrolled through but somehow missed your update!!! 🤦‍♀️ sorry for that, and typos.

So glad now she can talk to you about it.

HollowTalk · 08/02/2021 11:59

I think I'd ask about the messages sooner rather than later. If she hasn't deleted them yet she might do soon and it would be better to have that evidence saved.

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