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Original poster

Friend making snide comments about me being a sahm

81 replies

ReginaPhalange2190 · 01/02/2021 21:34

My friend & I have been friends for quite a number of years! We're both first time parents, our kids are the same age.
I'm lucky enough to be a sahm, she's a working mum.
Both our kids are at nursery (different towns, different nurseries) .
She keeps making snide comments about me being a sahm & how spoilt my child is to have mummy home all the time & it's starting to wear thin now.
Ive decided to pull my child out of nursery for a couple of weeks due to a positive covid case at the nursery.

She's made snide comments about how I'm lucky I can take my child out if I want to as I'm not working! I told her it's not about being lucky, it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing.
She's taken complete offence to me saying this & blew up at me.
She messaged me a few days ago with reasons about why she took offence but I haven't replied as I don't know what to reply!

OP posts:
pooopypants · 01/02/2021 21:36

"shove it love"

Job done

hopeful3yr · 01/02/2021 21:41

Flip it around. You have to work and can't pull your kid out of nursery to "protect" them. It's not luck - it's circumstance and it grates big time if you, as their parent, can't protect them as there are bigger needs - either the job you do or the need to earn money for the family.

Step outside your own scenario - be kind and try to embrace the position of your friend. I'm sorry she's been snide but don't be the same person.

(I'm NHS and frontline and can't pull my kids from nursery - which at times has been all i ever wanted to do)

cataclysmiclife · 01/02/2021 21:43

She may be taking offence at "I told her it's not about being lucky, it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing" it implies that she isn't doing everything she can to look after her child's safety and health as she has to go to work.

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Wowthisisreal · 01/02/2021 21:45

I'd agree ⬆️ you saying you're doing what it takes to keep your child safe, is by implication saying that she ISN'T doing what she can to keep her child safe.

NerrSnerr · 01/02/2021 21:46

I told her it's not about being lucky, it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing.

Are you saying that parents who have to work to keep a roof over their heads are not putting their children first if they don't pull their child out of nursery in the same situation.

You're just as bad as her.

daisypond · 01/02/2021 21:48

You don’t think the other mum also wants to keep her child safe and considers their health the most important thing? What you said would rile lots of people. You are lucky to be able to stay at home - you have the luxury of choosing to put your child in nursery or removing your child at will. Most working parents can’t choose that.

Snooptheboot · 01/02/2021 21:48

Yeah, I’m kind of on her side sorry. Not withstanding that she may well have been out of order but you lost any moral ground with the ‘it’s about keeping my child safe and their health is the most important thing’ shit. Bit tone deaf really, it’s a lucky position you’re in and not one many people can afford

Original poster
ReginaPhalange2190 · 01/02/2021 21:48

I honestly understand & she understands that wasn't implying thst she wasn't doing everything to keep her child safe.
These snide comments started way before the covid pandemic happened!

OP posts:
user86386427 · 01/02/2021 21:50

I told her it's not about being lucky, it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing.

And now imagine what your friend would write on Mumsnet about her "friend" saying she doesn't care about her child's health. You can twist things a multitude of ways but maybe just think about how your words sound in return.

namechange7567785544 · 01/02/2021 21:50

I fully agree with above comments but also it sounds like your friend is the one normally always making comments. She should mind her own business. You're both clearly in different circumstances and thats nothing to be ashamed of or something to make each other feel bad about.

Original poster
ReginaPhalange2190 · 01/02/2021 21:50

I understand that, I really do. I understand it wasn't the best thing to say. She did ask me why I was pulling child out though & I told her because there'd been a covid case at nursery

OP posts:
Chattercino · 01/02/2021 21:50

Perhaps this situation is exacerbated by the fact that you haven't got a job. Have you got too much time to dwell on petty comments...?

Original poster
ReginaPhalange2190 · 01/02/2021 21:51

Then she said the snide comment about having the luxury to take child out when I want because I'm not working.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 01/02/2021 21:51

Why did she blow up then?

Your comment about keeping your child safe shows you have very little awareness. Is it possible that you're making equally snidey comments about her working and just now be aware?

RightOnTheEdge · 01/02/2021 21:51

Well it does sound very annoying her going on about it and making digs.

I told her it's not about being lucky, it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing

You worded that badly though because it sounds very superior and like you think she is not keeping her child safe or putting their childs health first and actually you are lucky to have the choice.

So she is annoying and you were offensive.

daisypond · 01/02/2021 21:52

@ReginaPhalange2190

Then she said the snide comment about having the luxury to take child out when I want because I'm not working.
But that’s true, isn’t it?
NerrSnerr · 01/02/2021 21:52

Then she said the snide comment about having the luxury to take child out when I want because I'm not working.

But you do have the luxury to take your child out when you want. That is a fact.

user86386427 · 01/02/2021 21:53

How was that snide?

hopeful3yr · 01/02/2021 21:54

That's not what you told us. Kind of a drip feed. In the pandemic it's unfair to label your friend as being unkind. I'm sure most want to be able to retreat to their safe haven of a home and batten down the hatches in order to preserve their loved ones - regardless of situations. Most people would die for their kids and I'm sure this is what has riled your friend.

If this was happening pre-covid, I question what your relationship was like as "friends".

harknesswitch · 01/02/2021 21:54

Ohhh ouch, telling her you're taking your child out to keep her safe does smack of you looking down your nose at her for working and not taking her child's safety seriously. I think you worded it badly and I'm not surprised she took offence.

I think after hearing your response to her, are you sure she's not simply responding accordingly to your comments, even if you don't realise you're wording things badly

Trisolaris · 01/02/2021 21:56

I would message something along the lines

‘I think we are both making the choices we think are best for our family. I have felt judged at times by comments you have made about my child getting spoiled so have probably been sensitive about that and you seem to feel judged by me although that wasn’t my intention. In future can we just try to support each other’s choices better and understand that we are both trying our best?’

Original poster
ReginaPhalange2190 · 01/02/2021 21:56

@Chattero. I planned on returning back to work when my child started nursery but unfortunately due to the pandemic & now having to pull child from nursery, it's not going to happen.
@user86386427 I totally agree that I should of worded it better!

OP posts:
interest12 · 01/02/2021 21:56

I think you need to take a look at your attitude.
Even the comment “I'm lucky enough to be a sahm, she's a working mum” suggests you feel superior. Many women would find that expectation to be a nightmare not “lucky”.
It’s likely this general attitude that’s upsetting her... not to mention suggesting that she doesn’t care about her child’s health.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/02/2021 21:57

You can't even see how bad your own comments are.

I'm lucky enough to be a sahm, she's a working mum not everyone wants to be a SAHM. the luck is having the choice. People who aren't SAHMs aren't, as a rule, unlucky. Similarly some SAHMs hate it and don't want to donut but they can't do otherwise.

it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing directly implying that her child's health isn't the most important thing to her.

She messaged me a few days ago with reasons about why she took offence but I haven't replied as I don't know what to reply! err....and apology that you caused it and it was (apparently) unintentional.

What "snide" comments did she used to make pre covid?

Original poster
ReginaPhalange2190 · 01/02/2021 21:57

@Trisolaris thank you 😊

OP posts: