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Original poster

Friend making snide comments about me being a sahm

81 replies

ReginaPhalange2190 · 01/02/2021 21:34

My friend & I have been friends for quite a number of years! We're both first time parents, our kids are the same age.
I'm lucky enough to be a sahm, she's a working mum.
Both our kids are at nursery (different towns, different nurseries) .
She keeps making snide comments about me being a sahm & how spoilt my child is to have mummy home all the time & it's starting to wear thin now.
Ive decided to pull my child out of nursery for a couple of weeks due to a positive covid case at the nursery.

She's made snide comments about how I'm lucky I can take my child out if I want to as I'm not working! I told her it's not about being lucky, it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing.
She's taken complete offence to me saying this & blew up at me.
She messaged me a few days ago with reasons about why she took offence but I haven't replied as I don't know what to reply!

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 01/02/2021 22:00

I wish I could have stayed home longer with mine when they were babies. It was horrible, I went back when DD was 4 months and DS was 6 months.

I would never have made a comment to a friend who was a SAHM, But honestly it's horrible having to take a small baby to a childminder and leave them all day. I was lucky they were rarely ill. So never had to take days off to look after them. I think your comment was quite insensitive tbh. Most Mums would like to be able to keep their baby safe from Covid & would perceive you to be lucky to have the choice.

You don't sound very empathetic. So I think YABU.

Original poster
ReginaPhalange2190 · 01/02/2021 22:03

@NerrSnerr I haven't made any snide comments about her working.
@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I've already said that I shouldn't worded it on how I did, she wants to be a sahm, but can't afford to be.
She made comments how spoilt my child is that mummy is home all the time.

OP posts:
BaggoMcoys · 01/02/2021 22:09

My mum has always looked down on sahm's and I got a lot of snide and some quite hurtful comments from her when I became one. She has since discovered the main reason I was a sahm was because I was coerced into it by dd's controlling and abusive father who then kept me under strict financial control. Not that she was to know any better, I kept it to myself back then, but I do think people should be less quick to judge others' circumstances.

That said, your comment to your friend does sound a bit insensitive. However, I can imagine that if you've had a lot of comments from her your patience may have been thin. Maybe she is a bit jealous of your situation, and that's not your fault. She's probably worried about her dc too, and I think pretty much everyone is a bit "on edge" in the present times. I would apologise for what you said, but if she makes any digs about you being a sahm again in future, then let her know that it bothers you.

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Covidwedding123 · 01/02/2021 22:11

@ReginaPhalange2190

Then she said the snide comment about having the luxury to take child out when I want because I'm not working.
But that’s not snide...... that’s true. I think you have no self awareness.
everydaysablessing · 01/02/2021 22:16

Agree with PP that you sound a bit snidey and are projecting your values that being a SAHM is lucky. Not everyone feels that way, some people get more satisfaction and sense of self from working and providing and achieving in their careers. Some people want to role model success and equality to their children.

It's a hot bed and tricky to navigate as it's such a personal decision and society blames women for both.

If I was you I'd read her message about why she's taken offence and get some self awareness.

KenAdams · 01/02/2021 22:17

Did you post this last week?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/02/2021 22:17

But you know there js two meanings to "spoiled" right?

Spoiled - being treated to something nice/having a lovely situation
Spoiled - being ruined by constant overindulgence

partyatthepalace · 01/02/2021 22:24

I suspect that you might be being thoughtless as well as her being snide - ‘eg I’m lucky enough to be a SAHM, she’s a working mum’ sounds like you thinking staying at home is the superior position.

Perhaps you are both sensitive. Most mothers feel conflicted to some extent. I would right a note to her acknowledging that it’s tough times for everyone right now - you are sorry she was upset c x, and you were upset about y. Motherhood is tricky and you will try and thoughtful of her situation and hope she can be of you. Etc

ButtonMoonPie · 01/02/2021 22:30

You don't sound like very good friends to be honest. She seems jealous of your situation and you seem to gloat a little that you have it better (in your opinion)

I work and never in a million years wanted to be a SAHM so don't feel at all jealous of friends who are, but perhaps the problem is she doesn't have the choice so your message is touching a nerve for her.

shalalala · 01/02/2021 22:38

I was on your side until your last paragraph.... you insinuate that you are keeping your child safe by taking them out of nursery.... aka working parents don't put their kits first?!?

How judgemental - makes me actually feel sick.

shalalala · 01/02/2021 22:40

If I was your friend I'd be furious. Grow up and have some tact and stop being so judgmental

riddles26 · 01/02/2021 22:42

I have a friend who has consistently kept on making comments and sending various memes and forwards on WhatsApp about how unsafe the world is since covid and how children need to be home and not in childcare.

She stopped sending them to nursery early March last year as she decided it wasn't safe and sent endless comments saying children aren't Guinea pigs in June when they reopened nurseries and schools for selected students. Meanwhile, my children had been in childcare the entire time so I could work. She took them out again during second lockdown and now and is very vocal about how they should be shut for all.

As a doctor who needs childcare in order to work and was absolutely terrified sending children in during the first wave, I find her comments disgusting and insulting. It's lovely she and her DH have the luxury of both working from home with employers that don't mind if they are less productive and will still pay them their high income salaries. Rest of us aren't so fortunate

I bite my tongue as its a group chat but if it was said directly to me, I would not be able to stay quiet about how insulting it is to imply that those of us who work don't care about the safety of our children.

timeisnotaline · 01/02/2021 22:49

If the friend has been saying her baby is spoilt for having mummy at home I don’t think she gets to blow up at other comments!
I don’t think I could gloss it over. Either don’t reply, or reply I’m sorry it came out that way and offended you. I’ve been struggling with our catch ups for a while, you keep telling me my baby is spoilt for having me at home. Babies don’t get spoilt, and this phrasing implies I’m not doing the best for my baby if I’m just spoiling them. I am trying hard to do the best for my baby, I know you are too.

timeisnotaline · 01/02/2021 22:49

I mean, she’s literally been saying the op isn’t being a good mum, and now blows up at the op saying a different version of the same thing. I’d be pissed off.

ktp100 · 01/02/2021 22:52

'You've been making digs about the fact that I'm a SAHM for ages now. I've risen above it and the one time I say something back you take offence and kick off? '

Then I'd delete her number.

Totally agree - I'm a SAHM too, as are a couple of friends, we all catch more than enough snide comments from working Mums.

I'd never judge a Mum for working, I don't believe that it's best to stay home, it's just the position I'm in. if I ever decide to go back to work that's up to me & DH, nobody's opinions needed. Anyone who's got a problem with it can feck right off, as far as I'm concerned.

Pebbledashery · 01/02/2021 22:59

She's unfair to make the snide comments about you being a SAHM, your home life permits you to and she's probably a bit jealous. You don't deserve to feel bad about that.
BUT what you said to her was out of line.. Completely.
Not all of us can afford to give up work and stay at home and we're faced with providing for our children and risking their health as a result.
You and her are as bad as each other unfortunately and I think you both need an honest chat where you both apologise to each other.

Pebbledashery · 01/02/2021 23:05

Also.. If I had a friend like you in real life.. I'd take huge offence at lucky to be a stay at home mum.
I'm a single, working mother to a toddler and I'm bloody proud of that fact and I'm lucky to be.
You just need to have a bit more awareness about how you come across.. It may not be your intention but you give off an air of superiority by how you wrote your first post.

saraclara · 01/02/2021 23:07

how I'm lucky I can take my child out if I want to as I'm not working! I told her it's not about being lucky, it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing.

Bloody hell. I'd have totally lost it with you if I had no choice but to work. That's easily the most insensitive and insulting thing I've come across in a long time. And yet you think she's being unreasonable?

You need to absolutely grovel to her if you want this friendship. It must be bad enough not to be able to afford to protect your kid by keeping them home. But your sanctimony and the implication that she doesn't care enough to keep her child safe? I'm absolutely stunned that you thought that SHE was the one in the wrong here.

Also of course you're damn lucky to be in a position to keep your child home. How on earth can you say you're not?

Jeeze. I was SAHM too, but I'm steaming for your working friend.

saraclara · 01/02/2021 23:14

Your friend must already have been feeling enormous worry and guilt for having to send her child into a nursery where there's a case. To then have you say what you did, must have made the guilt absolutely unbearable.

I'm usually way too forgiving and a bit of a doormat, but I'd have real problems coming back from that. I'd struggle to maintain the friendship to be honest.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 01/02/2021 23:18

Your comments to her were utterly vile. If a friend ever spoke to me that way, they would be gone.

Yet you have provided no evidence of anything bad she has actually said to you. So on those grounds, YABU and a terrible, judgemental and just plain mean friend.

moonpig23 · 01/02/2021 23:22

There is nothing superior about being a housewife.

saraclara · 01/02/2021 23:23

she wants to be a sahm, but can't afford to be.

Which makes what you said even MORE insensitive.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/02/2021 23:25

I think that some of the comments to @ReginaPhalange2190 are a bit harsh. Yes, what she said was tactless and people here would have been very hurt if a friend had said it to them - but the OP’s friend has been making snide comments about the OP being a SAHM for ages - as she said, it started pre-covid - she finally snapped, and I can understand why she snapped.

I am sure that the MNers who have said how hurt they’d have been, don’t go round making snide comments to their friends - and I am also sure they can understand how someone who has been repeatedly needled by a friend, for a year or more, might finally get to the end of their last nerve - and when they get there, tact and diplomacy might be a bit too much to ask.

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2021 23:25

I told her it's not about being lucky, it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing”

Well that’s as snide and bitchy as it gets really. You must be able to see that?

To be honest, I think she’s the lucky one. Being at home all day every day, financially reliant, not contributing to a pension is my and many women’s idea of hell. So everyone is different op.

saraclara · 01/02/2021 23:26

@Trisolaris

I would message something along the lines

‘I think we are both making the choices we think are best for our family. I have felt judged at times by comments you have made about my child getting spoiled so have probably been sensitive about that and you seem to feel judged by me although that wasn’t my intention. In future can we just try to support each other’s choices better and understand that we are both trying our best?’

PLEASE don't say that, @ReginaPhalange2190. Again, you'll be saying that what she does, you don't consider to be the best thing. She has no choice. She doesn't WANT to work. So she is not (in her mind) doing what is best for her family. She wants to do what you do.

Also you need to be a shitload more apologetic than that.