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Original poster

Friend making snide comments about me being a sahm

81 replies

ReginaPhalange2190 · 01/02/2021 21:34

My friend & I have been friends for quite a number of years! We're both first time parents, our kids are the same age.
I'm lucky enough to be a sahm, she's a working mum.
Both our kids are at nursery (different towns, different nurseries) .
She keeps making snide comments about me being a sahm & how spoilt my child is to have mummy home all the time & it's starting to wear thin now.
Ive decided to pull my child out of nursery for a couple of weeks due to a positive covid case at the nursery.

She's made snide comments about how I'm lucky I can take my child out if I want to as I'm not working! I told her it's not about being lucky, it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing.
She's taken complete offence to me saying this & blew up at me.
She messaged me a few days ago with reasons about why she took offence but I haven't replied as I don't know what to reply!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/02/2021 23:27

I've already said that I shouldn't worded it on how I did, she wants to be a sahm, but can't afford to be

Wow. That makes your comment even worse. Although I’m assuming she’s only saying that to make you feel better about it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/02/2021 23:30

So it is OK for @ReginaPhalange2190‘s friend to make repeated snide comments to her, about being a SAHM, and how spoilt her child is as a result, but the OP finally reaches the end of her tether, and makes one tactless comment, and that is what is unforgivable. Hmm

saraclara · 01/02/2021 23:30

I will stick up for you about the 'lucky' comment though. You are lucky to be able to be what YOU want to be. Which is a SAHM. I loved it too, and though we had no once we'd paid for bills and food because of that, I felt fortunate to (just) be able to make that choice, so I assume that's what you meant.

Unfortunately your friend isn't so lucky. She wants to be a SAHM, but can't. She has no choice in the matter.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
sweetkitty · 01/02/2021 23:37

I think your both in the wrong here. Your friend shouldn’t be making the snidey comments to you about being a SAHM all the time and you shouldn’t have made the comment about being lucky to be able to keep your DC safe at home.

I was a SAHM when my DC were little and had my fair share of the comments ranging from “aren’t you lucky” “oh I would be so bored” “kept woman” “watching Jeremy Kyle all day” etc a lot of these were from people who had free childcare on tap from Grandparents as well something we didn’t have. One of the main reasons I was a SAHM was the huge cost of childcare. We cut our cloth accordingly had an older car, UK holidays etc and it was hard to bite your tongue sometimes when people would say they couldn’t afford to give up work when they had two brand new cars in their drive, expensive holidays etc what they meant was they didn’t want to their was a difference but that was their choice. I never ever commented on their choice to go to work don’t know why they chose to comment on mine.

I think perhaps your friend feels a bit jealous or sensitive especially now in covid times that her DC is in nursery and that’s maybe where the comments are coming from.

saraclara · 01/02/2021 23:37

This is what you say:

"I'm sorry (friend). I don't know what I was thinking to say something so stupid. Of course I'm lucky to have the choice to stay home, and to keep (DD) home when I'm worried about the situation at nursery. I know you'd do anything to keep (her DD) home too, and what I said came out all wrong. I don't for a moment think that you don't value her safety as much as I value (DD)'s. I'm horrified that it came out as it did. Please forgive me"

Yes, you can have a conversation sometime about how you feel about some of the things she says to you. But now is not the time.

SwimmingOnEggshells · 02/02/2021 00:10

Excellent @saraclara

TheOtherBoelynGirl · 02/02/2021 00:12

About as bad as each other I'd say.

I never discuss my child with parents who have similarly aged children for exactly this reason, it always ends up in competitiveness and misunderstandings.

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/02/2021 00:13

@hopeful3yr

Flip it around. You have to work and can't pull your kid out of nursery to "protect" them. It's not luck - it's circumstance and it grates big time if you, as their parent, can't protect them as there are bigger needs - either the job you do or the need to earn money for the family.

Step outside your own scenario - be kind and try to embrace the position of your friend. I'm sorry she's been snide but don't be the same person.

(I'm NHS and frontline and can't pull my kids from nursery - which at times has been all i ever wanted to do)

This a 1000 percent

Stop making snidey comments OP and you’ll find you stop receiving them.

ZenNudist · 02/02/2021 00:21

Difficult to say if she's being snide, it's all about tone. From your report she could be being nice or nasty. It's a shame when people don't feel secure in their own choices or gave the sense to realise that what's right for them is not right for someone else. I think you need to put yourself in her shoes and try not to crow about your 'luck' at being a SAHM.

VettiyaIruken · 02/02/2021 00:21

So it's ok for her to make repeated digs at you is it?

Duck that.
Reply with a list of shitty things she's said to you then tell her to get stuffed.

Or if you're more mature than I am 😁 give it a few days then have a civil and honest conversation about it.

CaterpillarMilkshake · 02/02/2021 00:36

@ReginaPhalange2190

I honestly understand & she understands that wasn't implying thst she wasn't doing everything to keep her child safe. These snide comments started way before the covid pandemic happened!
If she ‘understands’ what you meant, why has she taken such huge offence, then?

It’s not OK for your friend to make snide remarks about your circumstances.

And then what you said to her was not OK either.

BlueThistles · 02/02/2021 01:42

@ReginaPhalange2190

My friend & I have been friends for quite a number of years! We're both first time parents, our kids are the same age. I'm lucky enough to be a sahm, she's a working mum. Both our kids are at nursery (different towns, different nurseries) . She keeps making snide comments about me being a sahm & how spoilt my child is to have mummy home all the time & it's starting to wear thin now. Ive decided to pull my child out of nursery for a couple of weeks due to a positive covid case at the nursery.

She's made snide comments about how I'm lucky I can take my child out if I want to as I'm not working! I told her it's not about being lucky, it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing.
She's taken complete offence to me saying this & blew up at me.
She messaged me a few days ago with reasons about why she took offence but I haven't replied as I don't know what to reply!

I don't see anything wrong with what you said OP..,

there was a positive case at your childs Nursery... you kept your child at home .... and every one of us would do the exact same... I know I would...

The positive case was not at Her childs Nursery .. so she had no need to react to your comment...

Personally I think she was looking for any excuse to have a go at you...

Block her... 🌺

AnnabelleMarx · 02/02/2021 07:50

@VettiyaIruken

So it's ok for her to make repeated digs at you is it?

Duck that.
Reply with a list of shitty things she's said to you then tell her to get stuffed.

Or if you're more mature than I am 😁 give it a few days then have a civil and honest conversation about it.

If you can make a list of shitty things a friend has said to you.....why on earth would you still be friends?

How bizarre.

ilovebagpuss · 02/02/2021 08:03

Most people would consider it lucky or fortunate to be in the financial position to choose to work or stay at home.
I worked part time but was a little jealous of a friend who was able to stay at home but she was always wonderful in reminding me the benefits of having a job and how she would struggle as the kids got older finding a job. She didn’t have tons of cash just enough to get by so I could treat her if we went out.
So I suppose we always had each other’s back rather than making subtle digs at each other’s position. It may help if you could appear a little vulnerable to your friend say you know you are fortunate to have the choice but she is building a stable career and you feel a little envious of that (she probably feels torn and it would go a long way to acknowledge her position)
That’s if you like her and want to stay friends for 30 years. If however you reach out and she is still snide then she is not supporting you and you can let it fizzle.

AliceinBunniland · 02/02/2021 08:06

I told her it's not about being lucky, it's about keeping my child safe & that my child's health is the most important thing.

She shouldn't make comments that make you feel bad. Maybe she is jealous or just worried for her child and her family during the pandemic but you shouldn't have said the above.

I'm sure she wants to keep her child safe too but the fact is you are fortunate to be able to stay home with your child and the comment above makes you sound a bit ignorant. I believe luck does come into it as circumstances can change and things can happen that are out of one's control.

Sleepingdogs12 · 02/02/2021 08:24

Just say you are really sorry and you didn't mean to imply her child's health isn't the most important thing for her. If she is working and knackered and you are at home and using nursery she probably is feeling a bit fed up if you compare your situations etc. I would try to be a bit sensitive and let some comments slide if you want the friendship to continue . I am sure your life isn't always a bed of roses but sometimes it is best to bite your tongue.

PortalooSunset · 02/02/2021 10:03

@ReginaPhalange2190

Then she said the snide comment about having the luxury to take child out when I want because I'm not working.
It wasn't snide though, it was factual 🤷‍♀️ You (whether meaning to or not) we're implying she wasn't keeping her child safe. You see it as a dig that she's referencing you being a sahm, why is that?
Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 10:06

I don't see anything wrong with what you said OP

Gosh. That’s really unusual. Everyone can see what was wrong with it snd it’s been explained many times, but you still can’t understand it?

AlexaShutUp · 02/02/2021 10:13

OP, you have fucked up here. You say that you haven't made any snide comments about her being a working mum, but that's exactly what you did - it's there in your OP.

As for her saying that you're lucky to have the luxury of being a sahm, I get that it might be annoying if she keeps going on about it, but you have said yourself that you consider yourself to be lucky - why is it ok for you to say it and not for her?

AliceinBunniland · 02/02/2021 10:35

I honestly understand & she understands that wasn't implying thst she wasn't doing everything to keep her child safe.
These snide comments started way before the covid pandemic happened!

Given the fact that you didn't realise how your comment might have come across at the time, or even when you were typing it out in your OP, I'm wondering whether you are not very self aware and have made several comments like this which has caused your friend to make "snide" comments in response.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 10:41

Bottom line is these are two women who don’t really like each other any more and hang out in the absence of real friends or due to habit, because real friends don’t compete like this.

The op has made a horrible snidey comment to her. If the friend really wanted to be a stay at home mum/housewife I’m sure she’d find a way, let’s face it it is always possible, so there is a high chance the friend was just being nice when she told the op she’d love to be a stay at home mum and couldn’t afford it, because it’s kinder than saying fuck no I’d rather be out at work and earning, are you fucking crazy,

It’s not a route many women chose or want these days, because everyone understands firstly the sheer monotony and drudgery of it for many women, and secondly the implications of being financially dependent on someone.

Neither are respecting the others choices best case, worst case is the op is feeling unrealistically smug and this comment she just made to her “friend” proves it.

The pair of them should just stay away from each other.

KarmaNoMore · 02/02/2021 10:42

I think it is not enough for you to accept to yourself you may have worded that better.

If you want to salvage that friendship you need to apologise rather than continue ignoring her messages.

Having said that, I would probably be giving the friendship a break if things have got so toxic between my friends and I.

ServeTheServants · 02/02/2021 10:47

You say you’re “lucky enough” to be a stay at home mum, and yet when she tells you you’re lucky to be in that position, you say it’s not luck?!

If you’ve said anything along these lines to her, no wonder she finds it hard to deal with (and I say this as a SAHM myself)

AIMD · 02/02/2021 11:10

@Trisolaris

I would message something along the lines

‘I think we are both making the choices we think are best for our family. I have felt judged at times by comments you have made about my child getting spoiled so have probably been sensitive about that and you seem to feel judged by me although that wasn’t my intention. In future can we just try to support each other’s choices better and understand that we are both trying our best?’

I think this is the most mature and sensible suggestion yet.

Maybe you both need to be a bit more aware about how your comments re childcare come across to other people and possibly find some other topics to talk about.

Having said that if you have made your view clear sand she makes repeated comments to you maybe you need to decide if it is worth continuing your friendship in the way you have?

BlueThistles · 02/02/2021 16:06

@Bluntness100

I don't see anything wrong with what you said OP

Gosh. That’s really unusual. Everyone can see what was wrong with it snd it’s been explained many times, but you still can’t understand it?

What I actually said was....

I don't see anything wrong with what you said OP..,

there was a positive case at your childs Nursery... you kept your child at home .... and every one of us would do the exact same... I know I would...

The positive case was not at Her childs Nursery .. so she had no need to react to your comment...

Personally I think she was looking for any excuse to have a go at you...

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