Sexless marriage, considering an affair.

[Julianamechange]

Hello,

First time posting, I came across mumsnet whilst researching sexless relationships and just wanted to see if anybody could offer some advice.

My partner and I have been together for 5 and a half years and for the past 4 and a half sex has been an issue for me.

It started to tail off slowly after 10 months or so but we were still having regular sex, maybe once or twice a week for the next year. It then became once every couple of weeks and for the last two years it has been virtually sexless apart from when we were trying to conceive ( this was me telling him if we do not have sex it isn’t going to happen).

I gave birth a year ago and in the past year we have had sex 3 times. This has happened only because we have had a long talk and I have expressed how upset and down it is making me. On the rare occasion we did have sex I just felt awful after as it was just him getting straight to it, him finishing and leaving me in bed after a quick peck.

I’ve asked all the usual questions which have all had the usual responses, it’s not me, he loves me etc. But nothing changes. He did say he felt like it started when he became depressed over finances a few years ago and our sex life never really recovered.

We are now financial stable (well off), we have a beautiful baby and nice life. We get on very well and have nice time together, I still fancy him madly but obviously he doesn’t feel the same about me.

I have spent so long agonising over this, sex is very important to me and I expressed this in the beginning of our relationship. I have quite a high sex drive and ideally would love to have sex 3-4 times a week.

A couple of months ago after we had spoken about it again, we both made an effort but then the excuse’s started again and finally one night when I had asked earlier in the day if we could have sex (humiliating to get to this point) he suggested our baby stayed in our bed because he wasn’t settling in his cot. I turned over and just sobbed into my pillow so I couldn’t be heard. I decided there and then I was not going to put myself through this anymore and I was finally going to accept that I was in a sexless marriage. I have taken sex out of the equation to protect myself. He has asked once or twice but I know this is actually just to placate me.

If he now attempts to cuddle me or hold my hand I feel very uncomfortable, it almost feels as though a very good friend is trying to hold my hand, I feel it has now become such an issue for me there is no way to fix it.

This is devastating for me. I try not to think of it but every few weeks it resurfaces and I feel physically sick at the loss of sex in my life.

I couldn’t even imagine wanting to have sex with anybody else for a long time as I just wanted to be with my husband. Slowly, I have begun to imagine myself with other men and I have even brought up having an open relationship which is met with a hard no from my husband.

I don’t want to leave my husband as we have a nice life and get on well. My life would not be better as a single mother and without him so I am left with limited options. I am considering whether having an affair is the best compromise to this situation? I do not want my child to lose out on having his two parents bring him up together and I do not want to break our family up and all the mess that comes with it. But I really cannot stand the thought of not having sex anymore. I am early thirties, attractive and just so bloody angry.

Has anybody else been in a similar position and actually gone onto have an affair? What was the outcome? I am inherently a faithful type and I worry about feeling guilty which also stops me but I am growing closer and closer to having an affair.

Thanks in advance.

I wouldn't say don't have an affair but be prepared to fall out of love with your husband very quickly once you start being with somebody who is affectionate and loving towards you. I think you'll find leaving would be better after all.

Male viewpoint here.....

IMO there's a massive difference between sex and love.

Sex is animalistic, driven by desire and makes you feel really good if you have it. It's fucking for fucking sake
Love (lovemaking) is beautiful, intimate and you feel a closeness that you don't experience with sex. That look in the eyes knowing that you truly connect with someone, there's nothing that comes close!

You have to decide if seeking physical satisfaction outside your marriage is what you want. I think it is fair to say that (in the majority of cases) men start at the sex feeling with the love coming after this and women want to feel loved before they commit to sex (although I stand corrected if any women reading this think differently).

Do you want sex or love, or both?

Looking at the previous response from the nurse/counsellor some women find satisfaction outside their marriage. I can't advise you on what to do in this situation, and won't even attempt to (as some have done).

What you have to be careful of is a desire for sex that turns to love with another man (if you decide that's what you want) because that could spell the end of your marriage (if you remain with your husband).

The only thing I would say is please do not bring another child into your situation.

Good luck OP- sorry I don't have an advice. I didn't want to read and run.

To be fair I'm in the same situation as you. I've been in a sexless relationship for the last 10 years...some years worse than others. I am in my 30s and also have a young son ... again like you, thought things would improve if i had a child.

He is my best best friend and I couldn't get through this life without him and I love him dearly.

Lucky for me I don't really care much about sex. I mean I have my moments and if I tell him I want to have sex he will have sex with me. It's not that romantic relationship I dreamt I would have but he loves me and our son and he's hard working.

Good luck tonight! I hope he comes around and realises what he is about to lose. Xxx

Bikley, thank you again.

Do you kind me asking what the outcome was in your situation?

@secretrugbyfan there are many woman who need/want sex because it's animalistic, men don't generally like that fact but it's true. A lot of women can differentiate love and sex just as much as men.

@Julianamechange I would say affairs nearly always end in heartbreak for someone. This is a really difficult subject for me - my stbxh had an affair and broke up our family but at the same time there were times in our relationship (before children) that I wanted sex far more than he ever did and the constant feeling of being unwanted and not desirable, coupled with the impact of a lack of intimacy in a relationship, made me feel awful. I know now that I should of left then but it's also easy with hindsight. No one is going to come out of this well, and I agree with PP, the younger children are the better they deal with the relationship breakdown - I know from experience of my own children and that of my own upbringing. I feel sorry for you all really

MN is not particularly the place I would come for this particular conversation. Posters have very black and white views about this. I’ve been in a sexless marriage for 9 years. For 6 years this was not a huge problem as my libido was not huge then things changed and I went through a “ sex surge” - this is a massive increase in libido linked to my age. If you don’t have a high sex drive you wouldn’t really understand what it’s like. Not having a sexual relationship is emotionally crippling and it’s not as easy as just leaving. I accept that I will have to leave but at this point I’m not going to be able to do it. ( financial reasons). I’ve been on another site and contributed to a thread on sexless marriages so it seems to be a fairly widespread problem. In those cases some people had FWBs, some conducted online only affairs and some were resigned to leaving or staying sexless. A lot of people expressed love for their partners and wanted the emotional closeness of a sexual relationship. A fair few were “ done” with their partners but stayed for practical reasons eg children. Ashley Maddison and Illicit Encounters are full of people in relationships that are sexually unfulfilling or sexless. Whether that’s the right road for you I don’t know... there’s no guarantee that you would find good sex even if you found a partner. ( you would ) . Obviously it’s better for you to address the issues with your DH but if you can’t I wouldn’t judge you for going elsewhere.

It's not so much the affair, it's the betrayal and deception that goes with it.
I have huge amounts of sympathy f
or you op, you are in a truly crappy situation. But you love your husband, the very least he deserves is for you to be honest with him.

Has he got unresolved issues? Just that you said you found him crying about it, and it obviously matters to him. Could he have been abused as a child, for instance? Or been hurt in the past in some other way?
I wouldn't do anything drastic without good counselling in any case as you both are obviously happy in so many other ways. You might find someone else but they might be a ratbag in lots of other ways. No one is perfect!

@Julianamechange

Bikley, thank you again.

Do you kind me asking what the outcome was in your situation?

I don't mind you asking at all but it will have been a very different outcome to the one your situation will have (I think/hope).

My dh was very ill and unable to have a fully sexual relationship. I loved him with all my heart and would not have contemplated leaving him for a second. But I was his carer and I couldn't look on him in a sexual manner. Yet I missed sex dreadfully, I know that he would've felt awful if I'd told him all this and that was the last thing I wanted, he would've been beside himself.

So I had an affair. My dh died about five years ago.

Yes, husband wants more children. He would like another one in a year or so.

The affair aside, I would be telling your husband that there is no way another baby is going to happen. Firstly because you shouldn't bring another child into this mess, and secondly, he'll have sex with you but only if you're a baby maker? Fuck that.

It’s very unfair that someone in a long term relationship can decide they no longer want sex and Yet expect their Partner to remain happy and content with the decision . Don’t have more children With this man . Have an affair if you want But Be discreet and think about what you really want
Fabswingers is worth checking out .

[quote Whatdoidowithmylifenow]@secretrugbyfan there are many woman who need/want sex because it's animalistic, men don't generally like that fact but it's true. A lot of women can differentiate love and sex just as much as men.

@Julianamechange I would say affairs nearly always end in heartbreak for someone. This is a really difficult subject for me - my stbxh had an affair and broke up our family but at the same time there were times in our relationship (before children) that I wanted sex far more than he ever did and the constant feeling of being unwanted and not desirable, coupled with the impact of a lack of intimacy in a relationship, made me feel awful. I know now that I should of left then but it's also easy with hindsight. No one is going to come out of this well, and I agree with PP, the younger children are the better they deal with the relationship breakdown - I know from experience of my own children and that of my own upbringing. I feel sorry for you all really [/quote]
When did I say that men don't like women that need/want animalistic sex? Nothing could be further from the truth. Also did I say that women can't differentiate between love and sex? No.

Here's something to try....

Ask your female friends, if they were single and the opportunity presented itself, would they have sex at the end of a first date?

Now ask your male friends, if they were single and the opportunity presented itself, would they have sex at the end of a first date?

I guarantee that more men than women would say yes.

Why do you think this is?

Thousands of threats like this posted under the relationship forum

I knew someone like that on a forum. I felt so sorry for her. They were going down the ivf route because she couldn’t conceive but it was because her husband wouldn’t have sex with her.

Strongly suspected he was in the closet. No idea what’s going on now. It must be devastating.

End your marriage. It’s not a marriage. An affair doesn’t help anybody.

@secretrugbyfan I have had that conversation with men and women actually since becoming single. I was told I should not have sex on a first date even if I wanted to because the man wouldn't respect me and wouldn't then want to 'date' me - that was from both men and women. What does that tell you...

@Julianamechange sorry to derail your thread. I hope you manage to find the courage to do what will make you happy

Text you copy will au @tomatically show hereWhen did I say that men don't like women that need/want animalistic sex? Nothing could be further from the truth. Also did I say that women can't differentiate between love and sex? No.

Here's something to try....

Ask your female friends, if they were single and the opportunity presented itself, would they have sex at the end of a first date?

Now ask your male friends, if they were single and the opportunity presented itself, would they have sex at the end of a first date?

I guarantee that more men than women would say yes.

Why do you think this is?

Hmm because women are called slags if they enjoy sex whilst out of a relationship while men are lauded for the same. I don't agree with this by the way just stating fact.

What women will tell you and what women do are very separate things. Even among my friends there are only 2 that only know a hint of what I’m capable of.

Hello op, I’m in a similar situation and I’ve had 2 affairs and am still here. We’re not married but been together for 13 years and the sex side was weird from the start. He told me after we eventually had sex that he was a virgin ( at 31 ) which I found bizarre as he had been in a serious relationship before me and had been on a week’s holiday abroad together.... anyway I digress.

Things did pick up slightly and as he’s a lovely person I thought it would all be ok. We have a 10yr old dd and then he got the snip. I have a 17yr old ds too.

To be completely honest I think I was massively flattered by the attention I got off both men. They were really into me and wanted more. One of them declared he was in love with me at a totally inappropriate time ( think funeral ) and it was getting more risky as we were also neighbours and part of a group of friends. He was probably the one I regret not pursuing as he was pretty much made for me but had too many demons and issues but I’m over it now.

The second one was a huge mistake. It was someone I wouldn’t have looked twice at, he was 10 years younger than me and it was hugely intense. I’m ashamed to say he was my ex friend’s boyfriend and I just got swept away by the attention that I had been so starved of. I ended things and stopped all contact.

So I’m now 43. These affairs were 2/3/4 years ago now and l feel extremely guilty but also feel like I’m missing out on so much.
He sleeps downstairs as says he can’t settle upstairs etc, I snore, ds is loud ( every excuse under the sun ) and I have slept on my own for over 2 years now. I’ve never felt so unloved.

My advice to you- get out while you can. Affairs are not the answer. They are hugely exciting but I was also a bag of nerves the whole time. Not a single person knows in real life. It’s a shitty thing to do.

I hope you are ok op. I really understand.
There will come a point when there’s a very thin line between love and hate.

Sorry for such a long post

OP don't be put off by the black and white views stated on here. That isn't what life is like. You are being put in an impossible situation and he isn't allowing any solutions. If carry on like this you will be miserable and your relationship won't survive anyway. Yes it is possible to stay in a loving marriage and have sex elsewhere. Good luck x

OP, I asked whether he acknowledges he is the problem here? Does he recognise what his physical rejection of you is doing to you emotionally?
I’m not a fan of ultimatums as a rule but can you tell him that he must take steps to do something about it or he will forfeit the fight to have any expectations of you or what you choose to do?
Also, I’m a bit shocked that he seems to think you can have another child in a year or two. Why would anyone think that was a good idea?

It won't get better OP. It will end up ruining your marriage and by then your son will be old enough to remember his mum and dad being together and having to cope with a split.

If you stay, I think an affair is inevitable as I believe this exact reason is why they are so common.

My dh and I went through a few years of something very similar to this op. A couple of things I’ve picked up on what you’ve said I thought I’d share a response with based on successfully overcoming that dark struggle-

Your mention of an affair being the only option available to you, I would really very strongly suggest a sexual relationship therapist as an other option available to you, especially as your husband is aware of his shortcomings in this area and says he wants to improve.

Also, you say he is trying to touch you and be affectionate and that makes you feel patronised/ bad in some other way, I can 100% relate to this, it’s a very hard point to overcome. It only really became doable for me when I stopped thinking my about my own needs and considered those of the man who loved and adored me but just couldn’t keep up with me at that time due to stress and depression.

I hate to sound presumptuous in this one and it’s just a stab in the dark but- when we were having this problem I’d not long had the coil removed and my hormones were all over the place and looking back I can see it really did have an effect not just in my libido but how I felt anger/ resentment/ heartbreak etc, could it possibly be that part of your feelings around this are due to hormonal fluctuations? Either from recently having a baby or another change? Like I say may not be the case at all but wanted to put it out there.

Also, in those moments when you aren’t feeling anger / upset please listen to your husband and his actions that although may not be “enough” for you right now, do seem to show he has good intentions- you say he isn’t changing his ways but you also say he’s being more touchy/ affectionate etc which suggest he actually IS trying, but will not suddenly be able to become the stallion you need overnight! This takes compromise and understand and patience in both sides to overcome.

And lastly, something you said that reminded me so much of me back then is when you say “he obviously doesn’t fancy me anymore like that” or obviously doesn’t love me as much. This is just not true! (I know I don’t know him so can’t prove that but hear me out”. Those thoughts are coming from you, not him. He says he loves you, your inner low self esteem or inner demon are putting those feelings onto him, unless he’s said he doesn’t fancy you, it’s unfair on him for you to believe your own thoughts about what he’s thinking over his own words about his own feelings, hope that makes sense!

I really wish you well and truly do feel for you it’s such a difficult heartbreaking trauma to go through! I do highly recommend sex therapy, you both need to meet in the middle on this but it can be overcome! Xxxx

I feel for you OP. If only it was that easy to just leave. DH and I have and good relationship apart from the lack of sex. We haven't had sex for months. We have a nearly 3 yo and since she was born we only ever have sex if I initiate and even when I do it feels like he just wants to finish and go to sleep. He's not bothered if I'm satisfied or not. He won't take subtle hints to take the lead on initiating. I have to literally throw myself at him by being naked in bed for him to have sex with me and even then it's hit & miss if he wants to or just cuddles me and hopes I just go to sleep. I don't feel sexy, desired or wanted so it's getting harder for me to want sex with him too. If I didn't initiate we probably wouldn't have sex again and that's difficult to come to terms with. I feel completely demoralised. I can understand why an affair would be an attractive option when that's your only issue. Sorry I have no words of advice to be able to advise either way. Just that I hear you and I can completely relate to how you're feeling and what you're going through.

Even if you have an affair... I’m not going to judge you on that OP. Let’s say you go and do it tomorrow you get your sex fix from another man. Long term you want a package right?

Your husband is selfish OP. You can’t possibly have a “good” relationship that is sexless.
I can’t believe how many sex issues crop up on here!

Sex is a BIG deal for the person who WANTS TO DO IT! It absolutely is worth leaving and you should have left a lot sooner OP!!

Have you ever considered having an open marriage? DH could then participate in laying down ground rules with you, boundaries you are both comfortable with. And there will be no deception or lying, he may feel relieved having the pressure taken away from him - and feeling as if he's competing for your attention might spark his sex drive a bit too.