Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

@Yuddiesorno

And people wonder why MN has a reputation for being London Centric!!!

As a born and bred Londoner who has lived and raised a family for the last 20 years in the "Arse end of nowhere " it didn't take long for all the prejudices to arrive did it-

The schools must be worse than London
The teenagers are all on drugs or dealing in county lines
Everyone is racist and right wing
There's nothing to do but walk in muddy fields
You won't be welcome because of your accent

And people wonder why those who live in the "Arse end of Nowhere" get huffy!!

FWIW I don't think uprooting a Yr10 child is something that I would do either but all of you who have made these comments are quite frankly showing your ignorance and small mindedness far more than any residents of SW counties.

I don’t think the replies would have been much different to an OP considering the opposite move, Devon to London, at the same point in their child’s education.

I wouldn't do it until after her GCSEs.

@Hamnet

Those saying teen life in Devon would be miserable. I spent my teen years in the town we are considering. It was great. Most of my friends in walking distance, lots of house parties etc. In London non of DDs close friends are in walking distance, all a tube ride away and I’m much less likely to let her ride a tube at night than walk down a local high street.

Whatever your experience was, her experience wouldn't ever be that. Times are different. You can't replicate the past.

You've admitted it's not really about the house, but the current situation in London. Devon's no different. Leave it a year - London will almost certainly be open again, if you do decide to move you can aim to do it after her GCSEs.

What do 14 yr olds do in London that they can't do in Devon?

@JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson would they say that the schools aren’t as good as the ones in Devon though?

@Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor

Agree with PPs who have said its very different being a teenager who's grown up in a rural area to moving into one from a city. I also think you haven't lived there as an adult and might not live up to your expectations. Is this move fuelled by the pandemic or had you considered it in the past? I think this situation is temporary whereas you clearly believe changes will be longer lasting.

My GS is living with me. He has grown up in a small Devon town. I heard his careers meeting on line this week. He discussed subjects for A levels, future career and possible degree. The advisor was very helpful and said she would send him details of uni's that would be a good choice for him, she then said do you want to go to a fairly local uni. His reply? "As far away from Devon as possible."

So it probably is different for a teenage who has grownup here but it doesn't mean they want to stay here. My two left at 18 for uni and never came back, never looked back. I suppose the contact with family in a big city (not London) maybe gave them a slightly different outlook.

We did this a few years ago because DH's company relocated when DD1 was 15 and at the end of yr9. She coped really well, and made some really good friends, got great GCSE results and excelled in a sport she'd never tried before.

However - your DD will not get the same opportunities to make friends or settle into school. Secondary school probably won't be back to "normal" until she's finished. Making friends will be impossible - proper, secure friendships are so vital for negotiating teenage life.

No way would I do it, sorry. Life is hard enough for teenagers at the moment.

@gasgig

What do 14 yr olds do in London that they can't do in Devon?

Lol!!!

Walk to their friends houses, walk to the shops, walk to school, go out on public transport to see friends/go to the cinema, live really quite independent lives.

My 14 year old lives in the middle of nowhere (not devon but close) and meeting friends is like a military operation!

I wouldn't. I had the opportunity to move to Cornwall when my children were young - toddlers. We didn't and I regularly feel so relieved that we didn't. I couldn't gave given the opportunities and experiences there that they've been able to have here and the schools were dire compared to the one dd now attends. Mine are teens now and look terrified when I make noises about wanting to live more rurally. I couldn't do it to them.

What do 14 yr olds do in London that they can't do in Devon?

The main difference is lack of public transport.

My mum remarried so my brother & I were uprooted from Reading to London when we were in Y9/10.

This was in the 70's, mind, so unless you liked letter writing (which I did and my friends didn't - phone calls were v. expensive), you soon lost contact with your friends and you had to make the effort to make new ones. We also had to grow up very quickly!

This didn't put me off making a move across the country following a horrific divorce when my daughter was 8. We left an education system that would not have benefitted her in the slightest (grammar/11+) to one where she has truly flourished and is now doing A levels. She is still in touch with her BFF (thanks to SM) and they regularly stay with each other.

I spent a good 6 months doing my research and also involving my daughter in the prep. Moving from a primary of 500+ to a village school of 180 was interesting, but she was very resilient and survived.
Only you know your daughter.

Thanks to Covid, schooling will be online for the foreseeable; for the short time that they will be back this year could your daughter not stay with a friend?

I would suggest going for it with the house (South Hams is to die for - lived there too!). You really don't want to resent a missed opportunity like this for the rest of your lives, especially when your kids fly the nest.
You will just squeak in with moving your younger kids, if they are primary age.

It is just a case of exploring ways to make it work.......

@Hamnet

I think my stance is also influenced by the fact I was moved a long distance against my will at 16 and was furious but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me. Obviously I can’t guarantee the same for my DD but I’m sure that’s a factor in my considering this.

I was moved long distance against my will when I was sixteen and it was devastating. After having been bullied quite badly, I had just made a really close group of friends and we had really bonded during our GCSE years. The timing of the move meant that I had begun my A Levels at my old school and then had to catch up on the work I'd not covered in the new courses (different exam boards) when we moved.

I settled in, in the end, and made some friends but I've not kept in touch with any of them. DS has friends he has known since birth. I can't imagine uprooting him and taking him away from everything he has always known - I'm nearly 50 and I have never quite made my peace with what my parents did.

@ineedaholidaynow would they say that the schools aren’t as good as the ones in Devon though? I think schools probably vary in London and in Devon. My kids went to a brilliant school in Devon but it wasn't the school in our town which was in special measures.

How would GCSE years work for the other kids if you moved end year Y11? That's possible. End of Y10 is madness.

@Frodont there are towns, even cities, in Devon. Sounds as if the OP isn’t planning to move to a house in the middle of Dartmoor. She also says that her DD would need to get the tube to see her friends in London so not in walking distance.

There is a university in Exeter and Exeter College is well renowned.

What do 14 yr olds do in London that they can't do in Devon?

The main difference is lack of public transport.

Surely that depends on location though as some parts of London aren't great & often school friends are very spread out.

Walk to their friends houses, walk to the shops, walk to school, go out on public transport to see friends/go to the cinema, live really quite independent lives.

I'm a born & bred Londoner but have been to Devon on holidays. They definitely have shops & cinemas.

@Hamnet

OK. We are off our on our one allowed local walk. Which means trumping around a city park with 1000s of other Londoners who can’t access any other outdoor space locally and can’t say 2m apart on a walk because there are so many of us. What we all wouldn’t give to be off to Dartmoor or the South West coast path or somewhere right space right now! I’d also love to go to the Tate and have lunch in China town but those delights are much due to we off being possible than countryside walks.

Thanks for all the input into the thread. I am considering all the points and am not blind to the fact that 95% of you say do not do this.

Unfortunately at the moment the Police would be telling you to stay off Dartmoor, stay local. We have had issues accessing a beach, our usual walk place, which is just over a mile away. DH can't access it without using the car as he is disabled and we live near the top of a steep hill.

The other issue is that when public transport fails in the countryside, it really fails.

Walking 5 miles home in London with your friends is a laugh. Walking 5 miles home along the verge of an unlit A road is not.

I don't think you understand. There is NO public transport in large parts of the rural SW. That means if you want to see friends parents have to take you and pick you up.

Living in Exeter would be totally depressing after living in London

From London to Devon absolutely! It might seem like the end of the world for her now but I am sure her older self would thank you.

As long a it wasn't in a really tourist area mind.

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson would they say that the schools aren’t as good as the ones in Devon though?[/quote]
It's a broadly factual statement to say that on average, London schools outperform rural, isolated and coastal schools around the country. The comparison goes way beyond Devon.

When London schools are good, they are very, very good. When they are bad they are dangerous. I think the responses would reflect this reality.

My mum is 70 and still hasn’t forgiven her parents for moving her in the middle of her o levels. They actually had a reason to move - to get a job - but my mum failed her exams and didn’t make any friends.

@Hamnet If I’m to avoid moving a teen child we are looking at another 11 years here. Then you wait 11 years. As a parent you don’t need to martyr yourself, however you are putting your wants before their needs it’s incredibly selfish.

@Hamnet

Those saying teen life in Devon would be miserable. I spent my teen years in the town we are considering. It was great. Most of my friends in walking distance, lots of house parties etc. In London non of DDs close friends are in walking distance, all a tube ride away and I’m much less likely to let her ride a tube at night than walk down a local high street.

So you were used to living that way, she has no friends there and, at the minute, no prospect of making any. She is used to living in a big city. City to town is not a move I’d want to make at that age. I grew up in a town but moved to city during uni years, doing it the opposite way would be a nightmare for a teen.

You seem to have made up your mind you are doing it though.
How much would I risk my teens MH?
risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?
I wouldn’t.