Unsupportive and patronising partner.

[gingermammy13]

Hi,
Have been with my partner for 10 years and we have 3 kids together (all under 3 - oldest daughter is 2 and twin girls are 1)

Pregnancies were never planned, they just happened, and didn't plan on having any so soon after the first but it just happened. (He wasn't trapped or tricked, he always said he wanted kids and I was just as surprised as he was both times I found out I was pregnant) He was very hands on with first baby but not the twins. I do every feed, bath, play time, everything with them.

I'm out of work to stay at home with the girls because financially doesn't make sense to send them to childcare and we don't have relatives that can look after them. I have savings so I pay half of all the bills in the house but he still seems to think that because he physically goes to work that he's somehow entitled to do nothing at home.

If I have a hard day, he tells me that it's my fault for getting pregnant and if I can't deal with them then I shouldn't have gotten pregnant. All pregnancies were not planned and in arguments he often tells me that he didn't ask for any of the kids anyway. He just expects that because I'm at home with the kids that my job is to cook, clean, and look after them. I never get a break, even 5 minutes to myself, because I don't go out to work and I'm the one who got pregnant so why am I complaining. It annoys me more that he pretends to outsiders that he's such a great dad and so supportive but behind closed doors he's anything but.

I'm just getting so frustrated and I'm honestly questioning whether I want to be with him anymore or if I even like him anymore.

Honestly could do with some advice please x

[Lastfreakinglegs]

Don't use your savings! If he's working you should not be paying half as you are contributing by looking after the kids. Honestly he sounds emotionally immature and abusive.

[OhioOhioOhio]

Op It is absolutely wonderful. Mine were tiny when I worked it out too. Honestly please do it.

[MessAllOver]

Haven't RTWT but, goodness OP it sounds like you're being taken advantage of.

Think about it this way... family life brings three broad responsibilities:

• Pay the bills. You say you're splitting expenses 50/50, but is it really? Who pays for clothes and other things for the kids? Is it just the household bills or all expenses which you split 50/50?
• Childcare. Sounds like you're pretty much doing 100%
• Household chores. Likewise, you're doing 100%.

So at most, he's doing 0.5 out of 3 of the things that need to be done for your family. You're doing at least 2.5 out of 3 of them.

You're being taken for a ride.

[MessAllOver]

OP, just flicked through your updates and yes, you need to leave - this is no way to live. Could you move back to be closer to your family as a starting-point? Would they help out with childcare so you could get a job?

Since you're married, surely a lot of your assets would be considered joint assets? So, even if your name isn't on the house/land, you would get a share in a divorce (as well as child maintenance).

[user1471538283]

I've been through this. He enjoys making you feel awful but hates people knowing. Do not spend anymore of your savings as you are going to need them. I doubt he will give you any maintenance.

[gingermammy13]

@MessAllOver
You've made another point that I never thought of, when it comes to clothing etc for the kids, it's coming out of my money.

[gingermammy13]

@MessAllOver
I could move closer to home to be closer to my family. But unfortunately they're not in a position to help with childcare. Neither are his family because they're elderly and unwell. The only option is paid childcare for me to go to work.

And we're not married, only engaged, so I have no fallback there.

[RandomMess]

You will feel richer living on benefits and receiving child benefit!!

[MessAllOver]

Forgive me, I've merely been skimming hence the mistake about being married.

You need legal advice but, based solely on what you've said here, you may have an equitable interest in the property since you've been making mortgage payments and there was a common intention when you took out the mortgage that the property would be shared.

Is your partner employed or self-employed (again, apologies if you've already answered this)? It is much easier to get child maintenance from the employed than the self-employed since it can be deducted through PAYE if you can't come to a voluntary arrangement.

If you're on a low income, you will be eligible for help with childcare costs up to a maximum per child. Working might be doable with that help. You need to do some research as to the benefits you might be entitled to (taking into account your savings).

It would probably be worth the money to consult a solicitor. They'd be able to give you a much better overview of your legal rights.

[Apple31419]

You didn't 'plan' for him to be this shitty!

Sounds like its reached a point where you'd be better off without him. Something has to change, either it's him or the whole situation.

[whoisjoe]

You will be so much happier on the other side. This isn't a normal relationship - he is taking advantage. But I have been there and had to come on mumsnet to realise that my relationship wasn't normal. I left exH when DD was 2 and she knows no different, we are sooooo much happier good luck. Happy mum, happy babies

[RandomMess]

In the short term I wonder if you can register an interest in the property on land registry which means he can't sell it without your knowledge?

I agree that because you can evidence you've made payments and your name is on the mortgage there is a possibility of having a share of the asset value.

At least finding this out will at the very least give you leverage to get off the mortgage.

[gingermammy13]

@MessAllOver
Hes employed so at least that's one thing made easier should things get sour.

I think the best thing to do now is give my solicitor a call because I have a separate one to him that I needed to consult when the mortgage was being arranged, etc. So at least I can get some advice and see what my next steps are.

[gingermammy13]

@whoisjoe
I'm the same. I didn't realise how much his behaviour and actions were pointing towards coercive control and essentially abuse until I came on here and asked for advice. Everything makes so much more sense now that I've gotten so much advice from everyone on here. Mine are still so young so luckily they won't know any different when they're older.

[gingermammy13]

@RandomMess
I'm going to give my solicitor a call in the morning and see what advice he can give me about the whole thing. I had to see him when the mortgage was being organised because we're not married so I had to have a separate solicitor so small blessings. Let's just hope he has some positive advice!

[DaVinyl]

Please stop paying towards the bills. What is he going to do if you don't, would he really allow them to go unpaid. Can you hide the paperwork relating to your savings and tell him you have spent it all?

[CaffeineInfusion]

Stop using your money. If you go it alone, you will need a buffer.

Tell him it's all but gone. Empty your bank account, stick it in an isa for now. Your statements will show what you want them to read.

Personally, I'd look at renting a place myself. Close to civilization. You will have tax / universal credit, child benefit, and, most importantly, claim child maintenance from him. You can use this as breathing space, and an opportunity for him to sort his head out, or the start of your new life.

You say he's a great dad, not if he treats the mother of his kids like that, he isn't.

Copy all your documents, sort out your accounts, keep your savings, think long and hard and be prepared for whatever you decide.

[combatbarbie]

What a mess! I am so glad you are seeking advice because my blood was beginning to boil reading the thread.

I know your mind will be going 100mph but please breath and pause. Why the urgency to go back to work, that would be quite frankly ridiculous given you have 3 under 3s. You will be entitled to UC and the like which, quite frankly probably puts you in a better position financially anyway. And please do move closer to home purely for the support network, if you stay local he will just make your life hell!

[loopyapp]

Op take some deep breaths.

Stop hashing out with strangers how this all came about and pick out the helpful stuff to.make a plan.

I would consider something like:

1. reach out to women's aid and the police. Get a file going with womena aid and them enlisted on the get out plan. That is literally what they are there for. Look up the new laws around new types of domestic abuse. Cohersive and financial control are all criminally punishable now. Gather and screen shot all evidence you have.of him commiting any of the.offenses as they're listed and make a log with the police. Explain it is part of an escape plan and you cannot risk them taking action now, rather you want to have a log number to record against as you prepare to leave. Audio record, video if you can.
   
   
2. make an appointment with the CAB they will talk you through what you are entitled to and how to apply. You need to ask specifically about housing help whilst on a mortgage. I think there's allowances for people fleeing domestic abuse.
   
   
3. make a half hour free appointment with a reputable family solicitor. Ask them for guidance on the beginnings of separating yourself from this man.
   
   
4. once womens aid have helped you find a place to flee to begin the process of applying for benefits. It can take 5/6 weeks for an application to be processed so don't wait too long.
   
   
5. once you're safely out go back to the police and male an official complaint and statement.
   
   You have been single handedly raising three small children under these conditions ... You can do anything.
   
   You said you asked him what he'd do.if his girls were being treated this way.. Wanna know what will make that a lot more likely to be a reality? Growing up watching their female role model accepting that behaviour.
   
   Good luck.