Unsupportive and patronising partner.

[gingermammy13]

Hi,
Have been with my partner for 10 years and we have 3 kids together (all under 3 - oldest daughter is 2 and twin girls are 1)

Pregnancies were never planned, they just happened, and didn't plan on having any so soon after the first but it just happened. (He wasn't trapped or tricked, he always said he wanted kids and I was just as surprised as he was both times I found out I was pregnant) He was very hands on with first baby but not the twins. I do every feed, bath, play time, everything with them.

I'm out of work to stay at home with the girls because financially doesn't make sense to send them to childcare and we don't have relatives that can look after them. I have savings so I pay half of all the bills in the house but he still seems to think that because he physically goes to work that he's somehow entitled to do nothing at home.

If I have a hard day, he tells me that it's my fault for getting pregnant and if I can't deal with them then I shouldn't have gotten pregnant. All pregnancies were not planned and in arguments he often tells me that he didn't ask for any of the kids anyway. He just expects that because I'm at home with the kids that my job is to cook, clean, and look after them. I never get a break, even 5 minutes to myself, because I don't go out to work and I'm the one who got pregnant so why am I complaining. It annoys me more that he pretends to outsiders that he's such a great dad and so supportive but behind closed doors he's anything but.

I'm just getting so frustrated and I'm honestly questioning whether I want to be with him anymore or if I even like him anymore.

Honestly could do with some advice please x

@gingermammy13

We've even had discussions about long term if I wasn't to to back to work because the cost of childcare would mean that I'd literally be working to pay someone to mind the kids. It doesn't make sense when I can stay home to look after them. Either way, me going back to work or staying home would mean financially he would have to step up and support us. But there's never any mention of "my wages are enough to support everyone" I mean it's even been suggested that I get a night job so that I'm still here all day to look after the kids.

And when are you supposed to sleep if you get a night job?

Exactly. I'm lucky to get a shower some days and that's because I have to stay up til 12 or 1 when everyone is gone to bed and everything is done.

Why are you paying half the bills? What is happening to the rest of the family wage packet? One thing if savings are needed for basics but not if he’s keeping money for himself. If he think you do nothing all day he be up to staying at home doing everything and paying for the privilege?

I couldn’t be part of a couple where the other constantly said how miserable they were, three the kids in my face and didn’t want to do anything for them. You both took precautions too late now to keep going on about it. Is he now abstaining or using condoms?

Please leave you aren't married you are going to end up penniless and broke otherwise. Even benefits allow you to retain some savings!!!

He's a misogynist and your girls will be taught how they are just there to be a man's lackey.

There's no such thing as a family wage packet. He earns his wages and I have my money. Bills are paid 50/50. His money is his and my money is mine.

I've said to him so many times I'll go back to work and he can stay home if he thinks it's so easy and that he can do a better job and I always get told if I earn what he does then that's no problem. He's a high earner and I was a minimum wage worker.

He doesn't use protection, claims he "doesn't like it" so the responsibility for protection is on me. I take it religiously every day because I don't want to have another baby.

The children are half his, therefore any costs relating to them are half his, including childcare. If I were you I would tell him that you are going to put the children in nursery for 2 or 3 days a week and he will need to pay half the costs so you can find a job to help support the family. If he refuses then really you have no future with him as he clearly doesn’t see you as a family team.

I always say it to him, how would he feel if a man treated his daughters that way? He talks a big talk that his daughters wouldn't stay with a man like that but it's OK for him to treat the mother of his daughters that way.

I don't think he does see us as a family team and never did. He likes to pretend we are that way to outsiders but when it comes down to it, we're both equally responsible for bills and stuff whether I'm working or not. Because I have savings he thinks that money should be used towards bills. I mean, I don't even keep the children's allowance, it's used to pay the mortgage.

How long will your savings last? He carry’s on being able to save every month and you keep going till zero? Then what?

@gingermammy13

I always say it to him, how would he feel if a man treated his daughters that way? He talks a big talk that his daughters wouldn't stay with a man like that but it's OK for him to treat the mother of his daughters that way.

In that case he'll be happy to see you leave as you'll be setting a good example.

Honestly, he really sounds terrible. Selfish and entitled and emotionally manipulative and all the rest.

I'll probably be lucky to get another 6 months out of my savings. I really don't know what happens when I run out of money. Will be support the family but it's just 100 times worse because he's paying for everything then it's just expected everything is my responsibility within the house, more than it already is expected?

You have nothing to lose by going back to work. Even if it takes every penny in childcare as his share will come out of his savings too. You will be no better off but at least your contribution will be seen in cash terms to him.

I honestly don't know what to do. I know it's wrong the way he treats me but broaching the subject with him just turns to an argument every time and somehow everything is my fault. He never sees that he's wrong or out of order on anything.

For the love of god, STOP using your savings to pay bills!! It is up to him, he's working, he pays. And tell him exactly why you won't pay another penny. You do everything in the house, aswell as put up with his borderline abusive behaviour. What an absolute bastard he is to suggest you get a night job 😳 and don't keep quiet and get on with it. Give him hell for the way he treats you.

I just know that the responsility of childcare will be on my part because I'm choosing to go back to work so therefore it's my decision and not his responsibility. The more I think about it, he's just here for appearances really. He doesn't contribute anything to the family.

Ah stop it with they weren't planned and just happened....they were planned and they happened because you made them happen! And once you saw how crap he was with one, you made twins happen! And you did it without the protection of marriage so you can't even get anything out of him other than child support.

Take responsibility for your life and your children. He's a wanker, and he's only going to get worse. Work out how you can move forward alone.

Could you discuss the situation with his parents? That might be worth a shot - if you haven't already got to the point where you hate him. Maybe they could talk some sense into him. He would probably be mortified if anyone knew what he was really like. That's because deep down he knows he is wrong.

Please find a way to get rid op, you deserve so much better.
Honestly it's better to be alone than to live with someone who resents you.
You don't have to do it straight away, make a plan. Say nothing.
Just knowing you are working on it will help. You will have something to look forward to.
In the meantime tell him the savings are gone so he'll have to foot the bill from now on.
Speak to citizens advice and work out your position on universal credit and then you know what you have to support you. Consider moving closer to your family for support.
You can do it, it just feels scary.

“Bills are paid 50/50. His money is his and my money is mine.” That doesn’t sound very fair OP. You aren’t working and have no income, he is deliberately depleting your financial resources in order to control you and limit your choices. Just like he knew getting you pregnant would limit your choices and make it harder for you to leave him. He agreed to it because it suited him at the time and he’s flipped his position now to fuck with your head.

You are experiencing economic abuse. He is depriving you of financial independence, reducing your capacity to earn by refusing to help with the children and forcing you to spend your savings paying 50% of the bills even though you have no income.

I was married to a man like this. I’m afraid they don’t change and you need to take steps to protect the money you have left.

Is he controlling in other ways? Are you afraid of him? What do you think he might do if you said you were not going to contribute to the bills anymore?

He doesn’t “like it” is that for real? I don’t imagine you enjoy the side effects from the pill but I don’t think you probably have a choice. He’s trying to gaslight you into thinking this is your fault. I can’t believe your using your savings to do 50/50 , gobsmacked, so basically your his slave? You look after the children, house, cook etc and he does nothing and doesn’t even recognise your huge contribution from a financial standpoint within the household?!?

Just go and get in the shower.
Just leave the house when you want to. Give him a taste of his own medicine.
Get back into employment ASAP and pay nursery fees from joint account. Stop using savings, just stop putting money in until he can behave like a grown up.

When he plays Disney dad in front of others you make it very clear he’s an absolute waste of space at home.

A friend did this and he soon bucked his ideas up. She said in front of another close friend and his mum that she was surprised he knew how to pick the baby up as he hadn’t bothered at home, which led to them asking questions which she was then completely honest about and him stood there spluttering trying to speak over her. She just rolled her eyes and said ohhh let’s here the “truth” then. She said she hated airing her dirty laundry to everyone and he went crazy when they got home but she kept repeating this phrase - you are cross as you are embarrassed. You are embarrassed because you are treating me appallingly, it is your actions that caused this. She repeated again and again.
Took a week or so of repeating and calling him out every single time but he slowly started voluntarily doing bits with the baby, loaded the dishwasher etc.
Turning point was about 6 months later that he told her there was a job going where he worked part time and would she be interested, they had the discussion about paying for childcare etc and that was that.
5 years later, happily married as a team with 2 girls. I said at the time I would have left him but obviously now I’m glad she stuck with it as she’s happy, just took pointing out to him that he was an absolute loser. I imagine he’s mortified the way he behaves now.

However, your Prince among men sounds like he might be slightly harder work.

Get the child benefit paid into your account now and make plans to leave.

I hope the house deeds are in joint names??

This isn’t borderline abusive. This is abusive. Don’t wait six months until you have no savings left to help you leave. Start getting ready to leave now. Try and get photocopies of his payslips or bank statements for a CMS claim. Plus anything else that will help sort the finances once you are separated. Work out what benefits/help towards childcare that you would be entitled to if you were working whatever job you think you’ll be able to get and living separately. Get the job and sort the childcare. Then move out. Don’t bother having anymore mad discussions with him about how unfair your family finances are. Just quietly start the process of leaving before you are even more trapped.

My point is that he was very hands on with the first baby. Unplanned is not the correct term used here, I apologise, unexpected should have been the term used. I was off contraception for a couple of years and nothing had happened, it was unexpected when we found out that i was pregnant. I'm well aware that we have children without the protection of marriage but in all seriousness, is that really a thought when you have a baby? That you should protect yourself against the person you had the baby with? How was I to know I'd find myself in this position? I don't mean to sound rude but I've posted on here for advice and I'm explaining my situation. I can't change the past, I'm trying to make a decision that helps my family forward in the future even if it means being alone.

No chance. His parents are on his side no matter what and besides his father is the exact same with his mother - he controls every aspect of her life. Like father, like son. We have a mutual friend that jokes with him about me being a single mother and it ends in an argument every time because he quizzes me about what I've been saying to her and I tell him that I tell her the truth when she asks.

He can absolutely be controlling in other ways. The fact that I don't have a car means he decides if and when I can go somewhere. In terms of money, he demands to know exactly how much I have but I don't know how much he has. I don't speak to people that he doesn't like - old friends that happen to be blokes, nothing more than friends - because it just causes arguments. Any hobbies that I have are just a waste of time that could be better spent cleaning. It's come to a point where I don't have an identity anymore.