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Original poster

Unsupportive and patronising partner.

119 replies

gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 00:38

Hi,
Have been with my partner for 10 years and we have 3 kids together (all under 3 - oldest daughter is 2 and twin girls are 1)

Pregnancies were never planned, they just happened, and didn't plan on having any so soon after the first but it just happened. (He wasn't trapped or tricked, he always said he wanted kids and I was just as surprised as he was both times I found out I was pregnant) He was very hands on with first baby but not the twins. I do every feed, bath, play time, everything with them.

I'm out of work to stay at home with the girls because financially doesn't make sense to send them to childcare and we don't have relatives that can look after them. I have savings so I pay half of all the bills in the house but he still seems to think that because he physically goes to work that he's somehow entitled to do nothing at home.

If I have a hard day, he tells me that it's my fault for getting pregnant and if I can't deal with them then I shouldn't have gotten pregnant. All pregnancies were not planned and in arguments he often tells me that he didn't ask for any of the kids anyway. He just expects that because I'm at home with the kids that my job is to cook, clean, and look after them. I never get a break, even 5 minutes to myself, because I don't go out to work and I'm the one who got pregnant so why am I complaining. It annoys me more that he pretends to outsiders that he's such a great dad and so supportive but behind closed doors he's anything but.

I'm just getting so frustrated and I'm honestly questioning whether I want to be with him anymore or if I even like him anymore.

Honestly could do with some advice please x

OP posts:
Akire · 21/01/2021 11:42

If you leave things will be tough but benefits will provide the basics. The benefits office don’t remind you everyday how much of a burden you are, how they didn’t really want your kids and it’s all your fault.

Money aside does he make you feel like you are loved? That you are a team? That he will support you whatever happens? He could up and leave and any time, childcare is your job.

Cards on table you don’t want live like this. Your money will soon run out, is he happy provide everything’s and not complaining until they are at school or would he prefer you leave. Staying how you are isn’t an option.

RandomMess · 21/01/2021 11:42

SadSadSadSad

This is so sad please find the strength to leave him. You are single parent anyway and at least then you will have more control over your own life and happiness.

wellthatsunusual · 21/01/2021 11:46

Don't get his parents involved. He's an adult. You really don't have much choice here but to leave, by the sounds of things. It can't be any harder being alone than it is at the moment. Probably easier as you've only got yourself and your children to look after, not another adult as well. You are in a stronger position than a lot of women because you have savings. But in a few months time you won't. You have no time to lose.

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Families Relationship problems
Akire · 21/01/2021 11:48

Your update is financial abusive and controlling. Please look it up. There is a fine line between 50/50 and leaving you with no choice or control in all areas.

Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 11:50

It doesn't feel like a team because it just feels like we're both working separately to achieve the same thing. All I want is the kids to be happy and have a good life. I don't want them growing up thinking that this is normal or that this is how they should be in a family. He claims to support me and love me but it just doesn't feel like it. It feels more like its convenient for him to have me around.

I've tried discussing that it's easier for me to be at home until they go to school because I'd be in a much better position to work then and the childcare costs wouldn't be eating wages every week. But it just seems that no matter what I suggest its not enough. He always wants more.

OP posts:
CodyBurns · 21/01/2021 11:50

He sounds like a real headworker. The control of who you spend your time with, the fact you aren’t allowed hobbies and the micromanagement of your everyday life is absolutely coercive control. He wants you completely financially depleted with no so he can control everything about your life so you are completely dependent on him for survival.

Please speak to women’s aid and be very, very careful. Controlling men can and do become physically violent when they sense their control is slipping and especially when you make plans to leave. And you should make plans to leave. But so so carefully.

I’ve been through this before so if you want to DM me I’m happy to chat.

NancyPickford · 21/01/2021 11:54

I feel very sad for you, living like this when you only have one life to live. Why waste it with this abusive, horrible, horrible man? I don't know how you can stand it. As others have said, you need to get out while you still have savings, you can find freedom and happiness on the other side of this, you just need to summon up your strength to get away. Good luck.

OhioOhioOhio · 21/01/2021 11:54

The problem is that you are doing the same as I used to, for years. You are trying to reason with him. He is organising his words so that you can't. The harder you work at reasoning with him the harder he will work at making sure that you can't.

CodyBurns · 21/01/2021 11:58

@OhioOhioOhio

The problem is that you are doing the same as I used to, for years. You are trying to reason with him. He is organising his words so that you can't. The harder you work at reasoning with him the harder he will work at making sure that you can't.
100% this.

My ex is still waffling on about it ‘all being my fault’ years later. These men are completely unable to reflect on how their behaviour affects other and will never, ever admit they are in the wrong.

Don’t waste your time trying to reason with him. He’s not listening to you because he doesn’t value you or your role. You deserve to live a life where you are treated with respect and valued.

OhioOhioOhio · 21/01/2021 11:58

Instead of thinking of it as actual money and time think of it as cake. You both have a cake. He gives half to the family. You have given all of your cake. You've even reached for your saved cake and are chipping away at that to contribute. He isn't. He's got loads of bits of cake for whenever he wants. You don't know how much though. He's making sure that you don't know. You stay up after midnight when everyone is asleep to search for crumbs of cake that might be left over. He knows this is the set up and he's fine with it. You are trying to explain that this is an unfair set up because you think he doesn't understand. The part that needs to change is that you need to realise that he doesn't care about you on purpose.

PragmaticWench · 21/01/2021 11:59

This is financial abuse and coercive control. He is a disgusting man and you deserve a much better life.

Please investigate how to leave him.

OhioOhioOhio · 21/01/2021 11:59

Also, it's not unsupportive and patronising as you say in your op. It is nasty and cruel.

EKGEMS · 21/01/2021 12:01

Ignore the previous poster who asked if he would consider counseling-never being a person who is abusive to counseling. You need to look into women's aid and get assistance to get out-he is abusive in multiple ways

OhioOhioOhio · 21/01/2021 12:02

CodyBurns
Yeah but they are so horrible nobody could possibly believe it. That's the actual trouble. My xh is vile. Unbelievably so. I am from a lovely family and sincerely didn't know that people behaved like that.

nimbuscloud · 21/01/2021 12:02

How old were you when you began this relationship?

OhioOhioOhio · 21/01/2021 12:03

Yeah I went to counselling. He persuaded her I had pnd. I didn't at all have pnd. I had just not yet recognised that my xh was on purpose vile.

Collidascope · 21/01/2021 12:21

This is so sad. Please don't stay with him. He's abusive and seems to hold you in outright contempt. Start making plans to leave. If you won't do it for you, do it for your daughters. Don't let your them grow up thinking this is how men should treat women. These things so often repeat down generations as you've noted yourself.

OhioOhioOhio · 21/01/2021 12:25

Yeah. Op I can't tell you how wonderful it feels without him. Of course he swooped in and has contact with the kids but it means that I grt an actual rest. Our home is relaxed, free and happy. It is so good. Unthinkable compared to how I had to live.

Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 12:36

I know it would be hard at the start and I know he'll play a dirty game, he's made so many threats when I say I'm done. I have nothing to fall back on. But I know in the long run, being free of him would make me happier. As much as I love him and try and see past all of these faults it's just getting to hard to brush it off now.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 21/01/2021 12:45

Yes. You love him. There are an actual breed of people who can't do love. He's one of them.

Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 12:55

The sad thing is I googled narcissistic behaviour and he ticks most of the boxes.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 21/01/2021 12:58

Download tiktok and search narcissism.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 21/01/2021 12:59

You will definitely be happier without him. Now all that remains is sorting it out...

In a way not being married makes it easier, its cut and dry. The house sells and the equity is split 50/50. Get out before he uses all your savings covering his end of the cost of childcare.

You get your own place, wherever you like in the country, make sure its close to childcare and primary schools you like.

He pays child support, make the claim with the CMS as soon as you separate as no doubt he will be a dick about it.

Find a part time job as soon as you can, get a top up from universal credit if its a low wage. You'll get help with rent and childcare costs (about 70% I think). Make sure you get the child benefit btw - very important. Because your little ones are multiples you dont have the cap on UC for them either.

Learn to drive! Look at doing training in something where you can get a better wage one day.

Job done - and you're better off emotionally, physically and financially. What a silly man.

CodyBurns · 21/01/2021 13:03

What sort of threats has he made @gingermammy13? You could also speak to your local domestic abuse service about safety planning and how to leave safely. Also coercive control is a crime, the police can help you if you feel you would like to speak to them.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 21/01/2021 13:05

Can I also suggest you work out how much childcare would cost for while he is at work and you deduct half of that that from whatever he says you owe for bills. Where I live for 3 children that age 5 days a week would be £3000 / month - he may end up owing you money instead.