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Original poster

Unsupportive and patronising partner.

119 replies

gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 00:38

Hi,
Have been with my partner for 10 years and we have 3 kids together (all under 3 - oldest daughter is 2 and twin girls are 1)

Pregnancies were never planned, they just happened, and didn't plan on having any so soon after the first but it just happened. (He wasn't trapped or tricked, he always said he wanted kids and I was just as surprised as he was both times I found out I was pregnant) He was very hands on with first baby but not the twins. I do every feed, bath, play time, everything with them.

I'm out of work to stay at home with the girls because financially doesn't make sense to send them to childcare and we don't have relatives that can look after them. I have savings so I pay half of all the bills in the house but he still seems to think that because he physically goes to work that he's somehow entitled to do nothing at home.

If I have a hard day, he tells me that it's my fault for getting pregnant and if I can't deal with them then I shouldn't have gotten pregnant. All pregnancies were not planned and in arguments he often tells me that he didn't ask for any of the kids anyway. He just expects that because I'm at home with the kids that my job is to cook, clean, and look after them. I never get a break, even 5 minutes to myself, because I don't go out to work and I'm the one who got pregnant so why am I complaining. It annoys me more that he pretends to outsiders that he's such a great dad and so supportive but behind closed doors he's anything but.

I'm just getting so frustrated and I'm honestly questioning whether I want to be with him anymore or if I even like him anymore.

Honestly could do with some advice please x

OP posts:
Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 13:08

@CodyBurns the mortgage is in both names but the land in his. Technically speaking I have nothing to fall back on there because at the time of the mortgage it cost too much to add my name to the land. I don't know what my rights are in that situation so it's something that I need to speak to someone about. His threats are always that the land is his so I have no right to stay here. Every time we have an intense argument I tell him that I'm not leaving my home or my kids home but he always hits me with that line.

OP posts:
evenBetter · 21/01/2021 13:09

Why the everliving fuck are you still with him? Absolute farce. I assume you’re aware of what’s terrible idea it is to be dependent on a boyfriend without the legal protection of marriage? How can you find such a pathetic deadbeat of a man attractive enough to keep on shagging him is beyond me. You need to start working, find a home for yourself and all those kids, and do some self esteem courses. Never tolerate such scum again, raise your standards 100%.

Aahotep · 21/01/2021 13:11

After your updates op, I would suggest you contact Women's Aid and get help to get the hell out.
Please be careful and don't tell him anything until it's all in place.
You don't have to tell him you are leaving, just go while he's at work.
Please please be careful.
You can do it and life will be so much better without him.

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Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 13:12

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo
I obviously need to make a plan like this and get away from the situation as soon as I can. I obviously didn't see the extent of how bad it is until everyone here has told me that it's control, abuse, etc. I just thought that he was being a dick and trying to be the most dominant. It's unhealthy for my children so I need to get them out.

OP posts:
Aahotep · 21/01/2021 13:15

Op, I'm so sorry Flowers

wellthatsunusual · 21/01/2021 13:16

[quote gingermammy13]@CodyBurns the mortgage is in both names but the land in his. Technically speaking I have nothing to fall back on there because at the time of the mortgage it cost too much to add my name to the land. I don't know what my rights are in that situation so it's something that I need to speak to someone about. His threats are always that the land is his so I have no right to stay here. Every time we have an intense argument I tell him that I'm not leaving my home or my kids home but he always hits me with that line.[/quote]
Have you seen the paperwork for yourself? Or is he just telling you that that's what it says. The nature of a standard mortgage is that because the property is the security for the borrowing, you'd both need to own the property if you are both on the mortgage. Otherwise the bank don't have security; you can't offer security that you don't own.

Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 13:17

@evenBetter
I guess I obviously didn't see how bad it really was. I didn't think that it was control or abusive behaviour, I just thought he was being a misogynistic dick with his belief that "women work in the home and men earn the money" idea that clearly occupies his brain. I don't think I'd see it as such a big issue if his belief in that made sense - like fair enough if I was home all the time then I'd do the bulk of the chores but if he was earning the money and it was for the family, no arguments or questions. We'd be a team if that was the case. He has a warped sense of what a family unit should be.

OP posts:
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 21/01/2021 13:20

Sounds like getting your equity out of the house may take a while then. Can I suggest you get out asap then while you still have some money behind you. His plan is obviously for you to burn through that and then be entirely trapped - dont allow it.

This is an abusive relationship, its called coercive control and it is illegal. You can speak to the police about what is happening and they will offer you advice and start a file on your situation - which will be very useful to you moving forward. I do recommend you do this as he may escalate once he realise he's loosing control of you. If the file is open they can help you quickly which you will need. Also speak to the council they may be able to help with emergency accommodation as you are fleeing an abusive relationship with babies.

Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 13:21

@wellthatsunusual
Unfortunately I made the mistake of signing the paperwork agreeing to it. The land in still in his name and the mortgage in both names. The bank accepted this. At the time we were engaged, with one baby, and the twins on the way so I signed it foolishly believing we'd be happily married with our kids. Once we were married, my name could be added to the land without the huge fees. Looking back, it was probably a trick on his behalf because any mention of getting married since has been shot down and he gets agitated if I ask about a plan to get married. Another red flag!

OP posts:
Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 13:28

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo
Thank you for that advice. I'll look into doing this right away and getting something in place to get away from the situation. Worst case scenario, I have an elderly relative that may be able to take us in for a little while until I can get everything sorted.

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 21/01/2021 13:33

Remember - if you get the kids out aged 2 and 1 he hasn't had enough time to truly influence their future relationships and they're less likely to be upset by a split. Early is the ideal time.

Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 13:42

@CoriandeeBee
Thank you for telling me this. Its honestly made me feel better about the whole thing because I'd prefer if he didn't have much more influence on them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/01/2021 13:44

Urgh Narcissistic traits, absolutely run even if it means you don't get the money back.

I would stop paying anything towards any of it and say that you aren't paying another penny until your name is on the deeds. If he kicks off call the police.

Firevixen · 21/01/2021 13:48

This is such a mess. I feel for you so much, I just want to give you the biggest hug.

This is not a situation you can stay in, and if you wait too long it is going to be so much worse as all your savings will be gone and it will be so much harder to leave.

Take back some control in this situation. Get in contact with womens aid, they will help so much with emotional and practical support.

I think we need to make a priority list here.

  1. Contact womens aid - to get your self some real life support and practical help.
  1. You need to look at moving out while you still have some savings.
  1. You will be entitled to some benefits and maintenance from stbex. Use an online calculator to figure out a rough amount.
  1. Find out how to deal with the mortgage mess. It maybe something womens aid will be able to help you with or at least advice you on where to get legal help from in this.

This situation will not get better. The longer you leave it the worse it is going to get.

Dig deep, be strong and please keep posting. We are all here for you.

CodyBurns · 21/01/2021 13:51

“Dig deep, be strong and please keep posting. We are all here for you.” Completely echo what @Firevixen said. There are fantastic organisations out there that can help you. Many women here have been in a similar situation to you and have managed to get out safely and rebuild their lives. You are absolutely not alone.

CrotchetyQuaver · 21/01/2021 13:55

Honestly I'd say leave him before your savings run out. This is no way to live and you'll be trapped there when your money's gone

BeeDavis · 21/01/2021 13:59

@bigvig

Could you discuss the situation with his parents? That might be worth a shot - if you haven't already got to the point where you hate him. Maybe they could talk some sense into him. He would probably be mortified if anyone knew what he was really like. That's because deep down he knows he is wrong.
My exact thoughts on this! If his parents are decent people they’d be mortified at how he ‘looks after’ his family!
Holshicup · 21/01/2021 14:01

First time I have said this on here but one way or another get the hell away.
It may seem so difficult now, but start the ball rolling and take it one step at a time. Solicitor and womans aid first. Check out what you may be entitled to in universal credits, you would get help with childcare costs if you return to work (unlike now) Lean on any family and friends you trust and make a plan.
You mentioned his father is the same, do you want your children to follow the same path?

Justcashnosweets · 21/01/2021 14:02

After reading your updates OP, I agree, get the hell out, but please make sure you don't pay towards any more bills in the meantime to maintain the savings you have. As another poster said, if he kicks off, phone the police. He is a vile nasty piece of work.

Icloud54 · 21/01/2021 14:10

Sounds like you do everything for the kids anyway so if you were to leave then your life wouldn't be much harder, if anything your life will become easier because you don't have him breathing down your neck.

OhioOhioOhio · 21/01/2021 16:31

And also, you won't be wondering what shit he's going to throw at you next. Honestly op. It's unimaginable how much more wonderful life is as an actual single parent.

Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 16:33

@RandomMess
It honestly doesn't even bother me if I don't get the money back or have anything further to do with the house. I just want to be covered from my end that when I move out, I get my name off the mortgage, and I don't have to associate myself with it anymore. I'd rather have nothing and at least have a normal life.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 16:35

@Firevixen
Thank you for laying it out like this for me. I've looked into it a bit more and I have contacted citizens information for advice. They've given me some lots of helpful information so it's time to get the ball rolling now.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 16:37

@CodyBurns
I think it's been helpful to me to see it from an outsiders perspective. It's given me the push I needed to put myself and the girls first and give us a chance at having a normal life.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingermammy13 · 21/01/2021 16:37

@OhioOhioOhio
I can only imagine how much better it is because at least then you know you're a single parent and what your day has in store. Thank you so much!

OP posts:
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