Almost teenager migrated upstairs to her room ... when will she reappear?

[soupmaker]

Our 12 year old now basically lives in her room. She's about to turn 13. This is it, isn't it? The teenage years are upon us. She will come down for meals but evenings are now spent on phone and iPad chatting with her pals. She'll come join us and her wee sister for the odd film on a Saturday night, but that's it. When do they stop living in their own room and rejoin the rest of us downstairs?

I know lockdown is exacerbating this, but I kind of miss her! Although not when I am retrieving empty crisp packets from her room and finding clean clothes dumped in a heap.

No idea - have only seen my 16 year old (when it comes foraging for food) a few times a day since about 3 years ago

Op, it's heart breaking isn't it 😨😨.
It happens so quickly.
I have to try and lure dd down..... It's like she can't wait to shoot back up.

@LickEmbysmiling one minute she was twirling in the front room in front of the telly going "look at me", next she's up in her room growling if you don't knock and wait to be invited in!

Glad it's not just me.

I know it's so sudden and I feel like a trespasser going into her room

When do they stop living in their own room and rejoin the rest of us downstairs?

these are 2 separate questions..

'When do they stop living in their own room?'

I'd say about 16 when they start going "out out"

'....and rejoin the rest of us downstairs'

Don't know yet, my oldest is only 24.

I suspect it is when they have dc of their own, but I'm only speculating.

Sorry OP, my 20 year old (home from uni at the moment) is still in that stage... Don't see a whole lot of her or 17 year old. But we have lovely times together nevertheless - I've learned to appreciate the times they do deign to grace me with their presence.

I go into 15 year old DDs room and sit awkwardly on the bed whilst she blanks me. I ask 'how are you?' She . Daily occurrence in this house. So much fun. How I miss the days of cuddles on the sofa and film nights.

I think her wee sister now regards me as a bit clingy since her sisters departure upstairs.

Oh Christ, the 'going out phase', like when it's dark, I'm having palpitations already.

I'm going through this with my just turned 12 year old. I miss her so much!!

My nearly 17 year old only leaves his room for school & food, I can time it from the front door opening when he comes home to the bedroom door closing, it's never more than 2 minutes. The only time he communicates is if he wants something like money.

It's very sad. Lure her out with food.

Ive been getting cross with my nearly12 year old for hiding in her room. I'd assumed it was covid/home schooling related.

Should I just go with it? We've been wttemptinn to drag her out for walks (for health reasons mental and physical) as she's not walking to school. And movie nights etc..

My older brother went up at age 11 and never came down until my mother had to sell the family home in the divorce...he was 24. My mother, being a sexist idiot, let him get away with it. As the only girl, I was expected to help with the 'women work' - neither of my brothers were.

He's still an anti-social git at 53.

My 11 year old is like this but I don’t think lockdown has helped much - she has no escape from us so her room is her only solace.

Wish I could do the same.

Ahhh the teenage years
She'll come back down for food or tell you your being very annoying because you said hi how are you

Slam a few doors, break something 🤣🤣 then you'll be glad she's in her room

i go into 15 year old DDs room and sit awkwardly on the bed whilst she blanks me. I ask 'how are you?' She hmm. Daily occurrence in this house. So much fun. How I miss the days of cuddles on the sofa and film nights.sad

This is exactly how I feel, it's reassuring it's not just me. She used to really like me. It would be nice to have more than a one word answer occasionally.

Ours now 15 and 17 weren’t too bad before lockdown 1 but now DD 15 is lucky if she grunts a one word answer ever and we only see her at meals times or when she wants a snack. DS 17 cam hold a civil conversation and we see slightly more of him. Miss them both.

DD seems to pick a word each day and that is the answer to every open question. Its usually good, fine, ok or splendid. If I ask a question where the answer won’t fit with her word of the day and is really, no, awful or she doesn’t want to talk about it she gets abuse and her departure is hastened.

Well teenagers only spend all their time in their rooms if the room is nice, there is a phone with them, and they are allowed. I don't nessecarily recognise the MN idea that as soon as kids turn 12 they can just grunt, fester in their rooms and only come out for food..I think well off people tend to let their children do that. Kids who share rooms, or live in small.houses, or live with grandparents- they dont get away with being so rude and anti social, so if it's not ok with you then set some boundaries.
All teenagers need space but not 24/7. They need to understand that other people have feelings too. My teens spend lots of time in rooms but I still expect them to eat with us,make conversation, help out. I think that's a balance.

I went up to my room aged 12 and didnt reppear until I was 19, when I think back to it Its mostly because I had my own computer and I liked to sit and play online games with my friends but I did just generally like be in my own space where I could read a book or listen to some music (my parents hated my music when i was a teen, as I got older my mum would tell me how her parents hated her music when she was a teen so she would also sit in her room to listen to music!) . If i were to go downstairs my sister would be watching cartoons or my mum would be watching soaps (or pottering around) and I wasn't interested in neither of those.

DD14 is like the walking dead - I am convinced that at some stage over the last 10 months she has turned into a vampire and that direct sunlight will cause her to disintegrate.

She THUDS downstairs at all hours to the kitchen (I have given up arguing), turns all the lights on and crashes back into her room. The only time I can convince her to spend time with me with is either her turn doing the dishes (when she appears miraculously in the kitchen for longer than it takes the kettle to boil) or when a new episode of Ghost Adventures is on.

I miss the Charlie & Lola days sigh

My 14 year old also lives in her room. She comes out when we make her go out for a walk and in non Covid times she agrees, without fuss, to come on days out to eg walk on the beach then go out for dinner. I have friends whose children started throwing almighty strops aged 12 or so and refusing to even do that. Which is particularly hard to deal with because you either dish out punishment and make them come, in the knowledge that they'll make sure no one enjoys themselves, or else you all sit at home missing out.

I would obviously love it if my daughter wanted to spend all her spare time hanging out with me but I know that's ridiculous. She enjoys what 14 year olds enjoy - Facetiming her friends and listening to terrible music. I've spent her entire life teaching her that it's ok to have boundaries and not to do things just because other people put pressure on you, so I can't very well now say 'oh, but that doesn't apply to me. You have to spend time with me even if you don't want to'. Our relationship is good, she knows I am here for her. She works hard at her school work, and has good sound friendships. I'd much rather she was in her right than out roaming the streets aimlessly like so many of the other kids her age.

@Madhairday

Sorry OP, my 20 year old (home from uni at the moment) is still in that stage... Don't see a whole lot of her or 17 year old. But we have lovely times together nevertheless - I've learned to appreciate the times they do deign to grace me with their presence.

Exactly this

I love our family dinners and try and lengthen them as much as possible! Puddings features much more regularly than before

We occasionally manage card games too

Then it's back to separate living...

@RememberSelfCompassion

Ive been getting cross with my nearly12 year old for hiding in her room. I'd assumed it was covid/home schooling related.

Should I just go with it? We've been wttemptinn to drag her out for walks (for health reasons mental and physical) as she's not walking to school. And movie nights etc..

I would just go with it. Our two oldest DC are now in uni (currently at home) and it has just got better (only just). During this time whilst they were more vulnerable, I understood that they needed their time to do their own thing. Dh was at first very intent on making them come down to enjoy family time etc but after being reminded what it felt like to be a teen, he backed down. Also he could see that forcing them to join us was only pushing them away more. Although I missed them like mad and always tried to lure them with food and made them aware of what the rest of the family was doing that evening.