Almost teenager migrated upstairs to her room ... when will she reappear?

[soupmaker]

Our 12 year old now basically lives in her room. She's about to turn 13. This is it, isn't it? The teenage years are upon us. She will come down for meals but evenings are now spent on phone and iPad chatting with her pals. She'll come join us and her wee sister for the odd film on a Saturday night, but that's it. When do they stop living in their own room and rejoin the rest of us downstairs?

I know lockdown is exacerbating this, but I kind of miss her! Although not when I am retrieving empty crisp packets from her room and finding clean clothes dumped in a heap.

We built our children an attic room so we can at least air their bedrooms occasionally 😋

@RememberSelfCompassion

I think it depends how they are when they do venture out.

Lockdown 1 my 12yo stayed in room but she did seem to get a bit isolated and down. This time round snd now 13 she's still in her room but she's more cheery and engages with me and goes tell me she's bored of lockdown.

I think they need to get out occasionally and I encourage her to go for a walk with a friend.

When they go to university or move out

Going through the same here. I'm letting her get on with it as she's missing her friends so badly and spends a lot of time playing Roblox with them.

My 21 and 19 year old still live in their bedrooms. Only see them for food. I expect it to remain this way until they move out.

Our WiFi doesn't work well upstairs and I've tried everything to fix it without successful. Hence my DS's Xbox is downstairs and he watches stuff on the main TV rather than in his room. Could you somehow get a WiFi blocker secretly???

We live in Australia where life is pretty normal 🤣 I got a job for my boys where I work. It’s how I get to see them🤣🤣

This always makes me think of Tracy Barlow ‘playing tapes in her room’ for the approximately seven years in which her character wasn’t seen 😂

If I was a teenager, I’d also be spending all my time in my room. The living room always had either the news on or some chat show. I don’t understand why I’d sit there all day during lockdown/ever. I’d rather have my own space and my own entertainment.

Awww I have an 18 year old Dd and she went throu this phrase they will gravitate back towards you but just make sure she knows your there for her if she needs you it’s quiet easy to feel like their pushing u away and can sometimes be angry and say horrible things DONT take it personally (honesty) it can be a tricky stage also pick your fights wisely !
I have a lovely relationship with my daughter allowing her space when she needs it but also being there for her when she needs me xxx

She shouldn't be allowed to excuse herself from family life, as other posters have said. Does she have jobs and chores around the house, to contribute to the household?

Mine comes down in the evening for iced water, to make mug cakes or to help herself to ice cream. I also do the awkward sitting on the bed thing. She occasionally takes pity on me and suggests a walk and then tries to put it off again 😁

Sounds like we are quite lucky - I have a DD15 and DS12, both spend most of the day in their rooms but come down for dinner and hang out in the living room watching TV for a few hours every evening. It gets tricky choosing something everyone will watch, currently Buffy and Brooklyn 99, and usually some of us are on our phones too, but we do get to see them at least.

well, we eat dinner roudn the table every night.

They are all expected to be there if they are home. (age 13, 15, 18 and ds gf age 17)

I find that those meals often extend a bit, with some chat and debate or banter round the table.

We also have a phones downstairs overnight rule with the younger two, and that helps with sleep patterns.

Over the holidays we have family nights where we play a board game (look for chameleon which was great over Christmas)
And Saturdays are pizza night so we all eat pizza in the lounge. usually one or two stay down for a bit, especially if we can find something to watch.

You have to work hard at it, but it is so important to touch base with them as often as possible.

Surely this is normal for pre teens/teens? I was a teenager in the early 70s and although we always ate as a family I would retreat to my room to listen to Radio Caroline, read Jackie magazine and pretend to do homework. Would occasionally go for a walk or play cards together but I think it's all part of growing up. I would have to use the home landline to call friends and that wasn't really encouraged as obviously in those days you were blocking the phone with lengthy calls about nothing!

My own DS is at Uni now but when he's home more often now of course he tends to spend a lot of time alone - but so do I ! There's only so much family stuff you can all do together in Lockdown, it all gets a bit tedious - my DH and I don't sit together every evening, he watches what he wants on one tv and I watch another, or read, or do something else, obviously not every evening but we don't always share the same taste and there's only so much compromising you can do.

Agree - don't take it personally - I still have a great relationship with my DPs - now in their late 80s .

I feel your pain! We have dinner downstairs together every night (more so thanks to lockdown actually) and that's non-negotiable. DS has a couple of chores that he has to do too. But we never gave into him having a telly downstairs so all his consoles are downstairs - that means at least I get to see his face while he's gaming (which is non-stop at the moment, I know, I know...)

A long dog walk once at the weekend is non-neg too, because it was him that wanted a bloody dog in the first place.

I am being relatively strict about a 'bed time' by which I mean, in your room with devices downstairs by 10.30 during the week. I find he's very chatty around 10.29 in an attempt to gain a further ten minutes downstairs... there's still a wee kid in there somewhere

*I am being relatively strict about a 'bed time' by which I mean, in your room with devices downstairs by 10.30 during the week. I find he's very chatty around 10.29 in an attempt to gain a further ten minutes downstairs... there's still a wee kid in there somewhere" Aaaw

It is reassuring to hear that this is normal, my nearly 12 yo DS has changed so much in last 6 months and especially since starting secondary school, he just wants to be in his room. It was ok when he was going to school as he was at least outside a decent amount but I worry about him spending basically his whole life in his room at the moment with online school and homework and then not wanting to go outside/join us except for meals.

He has a cheap version of a fitbit and I try and give him minimum step numbers to do each day or encourage him to do say 1,000 steps at lunch time by running around the house or doing Just Dance or something - just so he's not sat still all the time as that's not good for mental or physical health. He normally makes me join him so he can laugh at me but at least we're spending time together I guess...

Dd leaves her room to go to the study to use her computer, then returns to her room. Kitchen raids are mostly when I'm occupied elsewhere otherwise I'll suggest savoury food. She's over 18 so I just leave it, it's hard for them. She joins us for dinner as it's non negotiable

I understand, it seems like my 12 year old is a lodger. I miss her too!

I am very reassured by all your replies.

She does go for a run 5 days out of 7, I'd go with her on weekends but her slow jog pace, which she detests, is faster than my race pace! She will also do chores - empty dishwasher, light hoovering, mild dusting, when asked and reminded her pocket money is chore dependant! Meals together at the table are non-negotiable as is all electronics downstairs by 10pm. She often gets chatty at 10.01pm and suggests she can sit watch some telly with us - wee minx!

Food, money and days out (when we can) seem the best weapons of choice.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

"A long dog walk once at the weekend is non-neg too, because it was him that wanted a bloody dog in the first place."

Ha, ha. Ours are desperate for a dog. When I said that's mean long walks with us every day, DD1 suggested she'd just go out with the dog on her own!

I have to say though, I have 3 aged 13,15 and 18, and this lockdown we are making dd2 aged 13 do her school work downstairs in lounge.

We are lucky to have the space as all 5 of us are working from home, but she was not following lessons, getting on with work last time, so we have said school downstairs. Lounge has a glass door, so i can see she is working. It is much better, and then at the end of the day, her room is a refuge, rather than somewhere she has been stuck all day.

The older two seem to manage it all better.

My DS started spending a bit more time downstairs at 17, but probably because it was lockdown.