Almost teenager migrated upstairs to her room ... when will she reappear?

[soupmaker]

Our 12 year old now basically lives in her room. She's about to turn 13. This is it, isn't it? The teenage years are upon us. She will come down for meals but evenings are now spent on phone and iPad chatting with her pals. She'll come join us and her wee sister for the odd film on a Saturday night, but that's it. When do they stop living in their own room and rejoin the rest of us downstairs?

I know lockdown is exacerbating this, but I kind of miss her! Although not when I am retrieving empty crisp packets from her room and finding clean clothes dumped in a heap.

I did this as did my DS. What kept us close was the evening meal is always together. He buggers off straight after usually!

He was also always keen on dinner out or the movies or something really good.

I try to think that him spending time alone with his friends or just on his own is enriching but I still so miss watching movies on the TV together

I'm so grateful to read others teenagers do this too. Insta is full of happy families doing activities together and it makes me feel a failure. We do eat dinner together but they no longer want to sit and chat for long or watch tv together. I do miss those days.

My eldest is 19 and will talk more to me than the 16 year old and in the first lockdown would come out for walks.

My eldest two are 12 and 13 and they don’t do this yet. We have a big family though and I think it might be different when you have lots of siblings to keep you entertained.

What my mum did with us and what I will do with mine when they are teens is: no computers, tvs, consoles or devices in the bedroom, electronic entertainment is for communal areas only. Everyone eats together at the table/ off laps watching a film if home. And an expectation that on weekends part of the time must be "family time", like a Friday or Saturday night takeaway. That being said, mine are still young so I may have a culture shock when they get older!

My 3 re-emerged when they were about 20.

Dinosaur good luck with that and do you really want to sharing your evenings with X Box, FIFA, bad teenage movies etc etc ... and what about homework ? Surely teenagers need peace and quiet in their own room to do homework - which these days will be on a lap top or similar.

Did all of you share your evenings and 'downtime' with your parents as teenagers- I certainly didn't.

Ragwort we have a computer/ games room where DH and I play online with our friends 😂 It doubles up as our office while he's working from home. I have a little hidey space for art and crafts as well, thankfully we have a few communal spaces beyond the living room!

Ah yes having a variety of communal spaces must be quite unusual!

Interesting. I never wanted to be in my own bedroom apart from to sleep or read a little before sleeping. I much preferred being in the livingroom as that's where the TV was. Plus I just liked being amongst the family. We didn't have a big family, just me, parents and brother. Brother very much as described above, spent a ton of time in his room. I guess I was weird or something. I did my homework in front of the telly. I just liked being around people. I was a bit of a loser in high school so didn't have many friends calling on me anyway. A phone call here and there, occasional sleepover.

Not sure what my son will be like, he's just turned 8 and hates being upstairs on his own. I do wonder if he will be like me. Kinda hope he will be, I like watching tv and playing Roblox with him.

I keep all the chargers downstairs, that seems to help

I have found that I need to actively plan something with them to engage in to make sure they'll be around. If we're just sitting around, my younger kids might still just hang out, but my 13 year old will most likely go upstairs (and then get annoyed if we do something while she's gone or don't explain what's going on) and my 16 year old will zone out on a device. I try to give them that time, but plan at least a couple evenings a week together that we want to do something specific.

We keep all the chargers, computers and consoles in our living room - they share bedrooms and so we have think of what could impact their siblings. I'll merrily send a child who isn't doing lessons or homework out of the room if they're being loud so those working have parental support if needed. I don't mind sharing an evening of my DS1 playing Xbox (and he has to share the evening with his father and/or I doing the same) or watching movies.

I spent most of my downtime in the living room as a teenager - my parents weren't around much though and both of them, even separated, would hide out in their bedrooms when home. I remember my father walking in on a party when I was 16 and he just walked through it to his room. We never discussed that.

[quote soupmaker]@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

"A long dog walk once at the weekend is non-neg too, because it was him that wanted a bloody dog in the first place."

Ha, ha. Ours are desperate for a dog. When I said that's mean long walks with us every day, DD1 suggested she'd just go out with the dog on her own! [/quote]
He refuses to pick up poo so that's off the table!

Well Tracy Barlow was upstairs listening to music for a couple of years before emerging - with a different face... Scary stuff!

Good luck OP; she'll grow out of it. Eventually.

They need space, same as some adults do.

We do eat together once a day (thank you, lockdown). I'd suggest trying eating in front of the TV if being at the table is too stressful. We used to eat at the table & they used to get on each others' nerves, & it wasn't fun for anyone. So we started eating in front of the TV, & I noticed they started talking to each other about the programme. Sometimes this led to chats about other issues (Hollyoaks was especially good for this). I learnt a lot from them, & about them. It felt a lot less awkward than forcing conversation.

It was a game-changer for us. They are happy to sit at the table & have civilised conversations /join in with family games when required. Just not every day. Sometimes it's ok to "lower" your standards.

My partner and I like to sit in our office in the evening playing computer games so I can't really get upset if our son ends up doing the same when he is a teenager. I'm kinda hoping he might like to play with us too, but I imagine that would be too embarrassing :p

One trick that works is to find a programme, usually a bit daft that you watch together.

On saturdays with our pizza we watch one of:
Taskmaster
Pottery throw down
Married at first sight Asutralia (that was dire, but they were hooked)
and the all time favourite - Death in Paradise.

This means it is one programme, all sociable, then they drift off.

This always makes me think of Tracy Barlow ‘playing tapes in her room’ for the approximately seven years in which her character wasn’t seen

Only to forage for food and drink.

No. Never allowed for extended periods. They were too busy doing homework, music practice, activities etc.

I am so happy I found this thread yep - I feel like I'm running a bed and breakfast. Also when I say something - what is it about these bloody eye rolls I get. It's good to ,now it's not just that me and that I'm not actually the worse mother in history!

I'm so glad I found this thread. My DS aged 13 has just taken to his room. It's all happened so fast. Last year we bought a fab surround sound TV and made the downstairs bedroom into a TV den with the idea that we'd have movie nights etc. Now I barely see him and am watching the bloody TV with all the bells and whistles on my own. No one talks about how hard this is. I am convinced it's a kind a grieving going on, IYSWIM. For the self they've left behind. Obviously it's normal and I'm happy that he is with friends but I just miss him so very much.

When I see people say they don't allow it , I honestly could not imagine being 14 years old or whatever and having a parent dictate to me what room of the house I have to sit in.

Exactly Wellthatsunusual.

I wouldn't want someone to dictate to me that I have to spend my evenings sitting in a living room watching something I don't want to watch, with my parents and or siblings all evening, when i'd rather be chatting to my friends or watching something I do want to watch. Or, indeed, doing homework. How bizarre.

@wellthatsunusual

When I see people say they don't allow it , I honestly could not imagine being 14 years old or whatever and having a parent dictate to me what room of the house I have to sit in.

No not dictating in any sense. Not permitting TV in bedrooms and making other activities a higher priority. An expectation of involvement in certain events - meals and extracurricular for example. Offering fun alternatives. A lack of mobile reception probably helped.

Not many teens watch their TV on a TV.
They watch things on their laptops, that they have, and need for their school work.

I think everyone has said they come out for their meals.
Mine (as teens) were also engaged in various hobbies and sports etc outside the house, but this thread is about where they choose to relax when they are in the house.
For teens, that is pretty normally their rooms, where they can be chatting with their friends without disturbing anyone or being disturbed, and watching what they want rather than having to compromise with what other family members watch.

All teenagers need space but not 24/7. They need to understand that other people have feelings too. My teens spend lots of time in rooms but I still expect them to eat with us,make conversation, help out. I think that's a balance.

This is such a timely thread to read, having 'had words' with dd13 this evening about how hurtful it can be when she acts like she can't bear to be in the same room as me. But I've been beating myself up ever since, as I know I shouldn't be making her feel responsible for my emotions.

Unfortunately I'm a single parent and dd is an only child, so trying to get her to have 'family time' means just being with me, which I'm very aware is not the same as if there were siblings to socialise with. I've tried suggesting we go on walks, which she has (grumpily) done with me in the past, but now she just says she'd rather go alone. It is hard not to take it personally!

I'm finding the balance between accepting what's normal teenage behaviour and what might be a sign of something to be concerned about so tricky to navigate.