Wardrobes DH ICU

[Wardrobes123]

Just thought I’d create a new thread. To help us to keep track of what’s happened.

My DH was ventilated last week. We’ve had two calls to see him due to him being very close to death. He isn’t stable but he is still alive at the moment. All we can do is wait.

I’m not going to lie, I’m not coping at all. My mum has moved in to help me cope with daily life. We’ve spoken with the children and they know how serious it is. They are also struggling now with the youngest stepping back from schooling when she needs to.

I can’t think ahead. Just usually about the hour or two that we’re living in. It’s very surreal. And incredibly difficult. Doctors are very realistic about prognosis and survival, which is really hard to hear.

I am incredibly grateful for all the support we’ve had as a family. MN is a remarkable place at times.

@groovinpeanut - my heart goes out to you and your family and I’m so sorry for the loss of your DH, message me anytime X

@intheshadowofthemushroomcloud - for all your support and messages.

I have had several messages from other mnetters who don’t have their own threads but who are also experiencing this living hell it’s a horrible journey and we don’t know how it will end but all we can do is hope/pray for a better outcome.

I haven’t always had the energy to post, too fearful of jinxing things and generally the last few days have been very raw and intense. But I’ve read every message and I’m so grateful of the support.

I've been following all through and have learned a lot from you and everyone on this thread, OP. My prayers for all of you.

I second the advice to ask people for specific things if/when you need them. When my DH was critically ill many years ago, it was an absolute revelation to me how generous people were and how pleased to furnish specific requests.

And it is absolutely not your job to manage people's distress - or even to tell them that. There is a pair of jobs to delegate right now!

Ah missed your update about your Mum. She really sounds like she's got your back there.

For you
For your mum

Everything crossed for you all .

Thinking about you & your family OP, incredibly tough times

But one of our closest friends keeps asking for updates and tells me how she can’t sleep/eat and is panicking for all of us. I actually don’t know how to respond to that. It’s like I’m expected to give positive updates to manage everyone else’s mood - because otherwise it’s too sad?

Oh jeeze. I remember that so vividly. People messaging me and telling me they were crying, etc. I don't have the first idea why they thought that was an appropriate or helpful thing to say (often they were people who we weren't even that close to, ffs). My instant reaction was 'WTF? If I'm managing to hold it together, what on earth are YOU doing crying?'It seemed so self-absorbed of them.
Fortunately his family were really good, didn't pester, and stayed calm and supportive, despite the agony they were going through too.

Hang in there, Wardrobe. It's hell, I know. I'm glad you have your mum with you. Love to you and your kids.

Take a look at www.caringbridge.org which is a website/blog where you can grant people access (or leave it public) where you can do updates/requests for help for everyone, and they can leave you messages of support.

Nights are definitely the worst! I’m so tired and went to bed early with the DC this evening. But when I get into bed bam - my mind goes into overdrive and I just hear the consultants words ringing in my ears. The GP gave me sleeping tablets but I am reluctant to take them for fear of missing any middle of the night calls. I am also anticipating those calls all night, which isn’t calming my nerves at all.

@saraclara - I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. I have to say the friend in question is one of my closest friends and usually bloody brilliant. I know she’s upset - we all are. She won’t have acted like this purposefully but it really threw me.
I hope your DH is much better now too, and I’m glad it’s not just me with the intrusive friends!

@Definitelynotlazy - sorry you’ve been through this too, it’s a really surreal time isn’t it?

To the kind poster who asked I am eating. Little and often. My mum is taking care of us all with food and hugs. I couldn’t have got through this week without her.

I wouldn’t do a blog, even a private one. DH would hate it and find it really invasive. He’s very sensitive about his health issues and most of our friends and family have been great. I’ve put my mum in charge of everyone else But I do appreciate all of the suggestions.

If he’s stable tomorrow (fingers crossed) I’m going to get the kids out for a walk, we’ve been on a couple of little ones, and it does help. If not, it’ll be a tv and duvet day.

As long as you’ve not had any alcohol a sleeping tablet would not stop you from waking if you got a call but you’d need to get a taxi or a lift to the hospital as I don’t think your allowed to drive while they are still in your system. would you consider even taking a half dose as this might just help take the edge off.

Thinking of you

, and what DigitalChristmas said about sleeping tablets .
x

Thinking of you wardrobes. You’re never alone here - there’s always someone up. Sending you my very best wishes xxx

World service or test match special in the background help me sleep when busy minded.

@Wardrobes123

Small update - he’s still here, still fighting. He is slightly more stable than he was, even though his oxygen requirements haven’t changed.

Hopefully it will allow his body good time to rest and heal. His blood pressure medication has also been slightly reduced. I’m taking all these steps as positive however the team are still brutally honest about his prognosis.

He’s fought so hard, like so many others battling this virus.

My mum is being gatekeeper too which has helped. I’ve had so many lovely, gentle messages of support for which I’m so grateful, and my mum is dealing with any friends who want more. It’s really helped.

I am glad you have your mum as gatekeeper, when my brother was dying the constant, well meaning and loving phone calls from friends and family were so draining. Tell her she is doing a great job. You are lucky to have her manning the barricades.

Take care.

I understand the racing mind as soon as you try and sleep. Not the same situation at all but I’ve got a daughter with several serious medical conditions who’s had 25+ surgeries and more hospital stays than I can count.

Mindfulness apps when you get to bed can help calm your mind. Worth a try if you don’t want to try the sleeping tablets

It's entirely okay for you to say to your friend "I know you're hurting for me, but at the moment I really need people around me to be calm and unemotional with their support, or I end up worrying for them too. I hope you understand"

I agree re the radio. The world service or radio 5 up all night. It works better than a story you know because, as you don't know what's going to come next it sort of forces your brain to listen. Which stops the other thoughts and off you go to sleep. You do have weird dreams about the camel racing industry in Saudi or a toilet manufacturer in Ecuador but still.....

My thoughts are with you @Wardrobes123 and hoping your dh pulls through.

When my son was ill, he had a brain tumour that took him in the end, we had a message tree set up. So I would send one message, that person would forward it on, and so on.

It was exhausting managing others fears and worries on top of my own - go gently on yourself. X

I really would listen to the calm app at night. Personally I would avoid the sleeping tablets. I have taken them before and, tbh, although they helped me quickly drop off to sleep, I didn't feel as though the quality of sleep was as good as usual. I didn't wake up feeling refreshed. It was as though I had been in a shallow sleep. I did get up several times to go to the toilet in the night, so a phone would probably wake you up, but, with your stress, you might find that they help you get off to sleep initially, but that you still wake up a few hours later in any event. Your body, when exhausted, will drop into a deeper sleep naturally anyway.

Glad he is stable and you're being well looked after x

Thinking of the Wardrobe family pleased your mum has moved in to help out. White noise apps are good for falling asleep to, and I always find I fall asleep easier if I have a hot shower and clean bedding (no idea why, but it feels like a real treat). Sending you all lots of love and thank you for keeping us all updated x

Sending very best wishes. Take care of yourself.

But one of our closest friends keeps asking for updates and tells me how she can’t sleep/eat and is panicking for all of us.

My DM is like that. Weeping down the phone when something happens to me or my DC.

I don't tell her much anymore as l can't deal with her dumping her emotions or worry onto me.

I had a month off work due to MH issues and she doesn't know as it would become about her worries and how worrying about me is making her ill. I just don't have the emotional strength to support her when it's actually happening to me

Sending love to you OP
I am praying for you and yours

It might be worth seeing a doctor. Sleeping tablets aren't the only option. I've taken diazepam in similar circumstances, only the odd tablet, but it did help to calm and sleep without the grogginess.

So glad you have your Mum Wardrobes. The job she is doing is so important. (I totally respect your decision to tell your children. Mine were too young to pick up on the seriousness until much later. I didn't ever lie to them - but missed out the brutal truth.)

My DH seemed to remember things said to him when he was deep in a coma. The nurse said that they assume people can hear.

We played him recordings of things like the children having breakfast - just normal stuff from the world before disaster.

All the 'dreams' (very wierd and vivid thanks to the drugs no doubt) he remembered were of fighting to get home to us - through ice or through war-zones.