Wardrobes DH ICU

[Wardrobes123]

Just thought I’d create a new thread. To help us to keep track of what’s happened.

My DH was ventilated last week. We’ve had two calls to see him due to him being very close to death. He isn’t stable but he is still alive at the moment. All we can do is wait.

I’m not going to lie, I’m not coping at all. My mum has moved in to help me cope with daily life. We’ve spoken with the children and they know how serious it is. They are also struggling now with the youngest stepping back from schooling when she needs to.

I can’t think ahead. Just usually about the hour or two that we’re living in. It’s very surreal. And incredibly difficult. Doctors are very realistic about prognosis and survival, which is really hard to hear.

I am incredibly grateful for all the support we’ve had as a family. MN is a remarkable place at times.

@groovinpeanut - my heart goes out to you and your family and I’m so sorry for the loss of your DH, message me anytime X

@intheshadowofthemushroomcloud - for all your support and messages.

I have had several messages from other mnetters who don’t have their own threads but who are also experiencing this living hell it’s a horrible journey and we don’t know how it will end but all we can do is hope/pray for a better outcome.

I haven’t always had the energy to post, too fearful of jinxing things and generally the last few days have been very raw and intense. But I’ve read every message and I’m so grateful of the support.

I just want to say you and your family have been in my thoughts. I'm glad these threads are offering you some comfort.
It totally understand - when my youngest was in NICU the ladies on Mumsnet helped keep me sane. Sometimes anonymous strangers are easier to talk to and it's easier to say what you need to say.

No you are not selfish.
This is survival.

What worked for us:
My Dad stepped in as gatekeeper for me in the terrible weeks DH ((38) was in ICU -mostly at death's wide door.

It meant I only talked in the phone to people who listened to me venting. They uplifted me and asked nothing.

He passed on relevant updates and gave me supportive messages.

Visitors came to support me. They talked about lovely alien things from the world of normal life.

I only realised later how protected I had been and am still grateful.

I could carry on because of all this.

My Mum (and kind friends) looked after our two children (8 and 6) They knew that their Dad was ill -and therefore needed me (of course).

We decided that it wouldn't protect/ prepare them to know more. If the worst happened- they would suffer-there was no rush for them to start that.

Miracles do happen -like everyone, I am wishing one for you now.

Still here and thinking of you and yours
So glad to hear DH is stable Although you say no change, one day to the next means there is every hope

Every day he makes it is a step forward. Think of it that way.

As to gate keeping, yes. You need to assign that out. You can't keep retelling and reliving each day over and over. Let that job be done by someone who loves you, gets you, and can carry the load.

My best friend asked this of me when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and it was an honor. I really felt like I was helping. That's all this who love you want.

And your DH to get well. Sending strength and hope and love!

@Wardrobes123

* that should read we have little groups of friends who don't really know each other. I'm not sure how they'd be all lumped in together. But I'm going to give it some thought over the weekend as to whether it would work.

I'd set it up on WhatsApp and let your friends worry about if it works or not, you have other fish to fry. You can set up a WhatsApp group to be announcement only as my DD's sports coach has done one.

hi wardobes glad to hear dh is still with us

i had one of those people when my dm was dying i unfortunately snapped at them what do thesepeople want from you youve got enough going on

sending postive thoughts

Still hoping for a miracle .

I think not preparing for the worse with the children can be the right thing for some and is inspired but for others, not.

Take care of yourself everyone and of each other .

Small update - he’s still here, still fighting. He is slightly more stable than he was, even though his oxygen requirements haven’t changed.

Hopefully it will allow his body good time to rest and heal. His blood pressure medication has also been slightly reduced. I’m taking all these steps as positive however the team are still brutally honest about his prognosis.

He’s fought so hard, like so many others battling this virus.

My mum is being gatekeeper too which has helped. I’ve had so many lovely, gentle messages of support for which I’m so grateful, and my mum is dealing with any friends who want more. It’s really helped.

Hang in there wardrobes, your dh is obviously a fighter. Thinking of your family in this horrific time.

@1WayOrAnother2 - I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. I completely respect your decision not to tell the children. Ours are slightly older and still in our home, so I did take the decision to be open and honest with them. I don’t know yet if this is the right choice but we’re all just allowing them time to deal with it in their own way. It’s tough isn’t it? I’m so pleased your DH has recovered.

@Mama1980 - NICU is so very hard. I’m so sorry you went through that with your youngest.

for all those posters who’ve experienced the horrid experience of a relative in ICU/battling health issues. It’s so nice of you all to send messages of support, even though it must be hard to revisit such a time

wardrobes thinking of you and your family and also others who have been in your position 💐

How kind you are Wardrobes to update us when you have a million more important things to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one who looks several times a day to see if you have been able to post while hoping all is getting better. Take care of yourself as well as everyone else .

I've been lurking since your previous post and I'm so glad to hear your dh is still fighting this. When I read your post a few back about not being sure about lumping all friends together, my first thought was well, this is to help YOU and not them. I agree with what @dairydairy said

@Wardrobes123
that should read we have little groups of friends who don't really know each other. I'm not sure how they'd be all lumped in together. But I'm going to give it some thought over the weekend as to whether it would work.

I'd set it up on WhatsApp and let your friends worry about if it works or not, you have other fish to fry.

Op, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. I wish there was something I could say or do to lighten your burden.

With regard to other people's worries/grief, you might want to read this article: www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in%3famp

It's about the "circle theory" or grief. Basically people should "support in" to the center of the circle and "kvetch out". So you, as spouse, are at the center of the circle. You should only be getting support in from people further out of the circle. Likewise you can "kvetch" to anyone. People shouldn't kvetch inwards.

Sounds odd written down but it might help you navigate the gatekeeper role. Email it to everyone so they know what is ok to do 😀

@Wardrobes123 thank you for taking the time to update posters and lurkers. Along with others, I’ve followed your threads and am hoping against hope for an improvement.

I just wanted to endorse the idea of a Whatsapp group. When friends had a very poorly daughter they offered everyone updates that way. I had absolutely no problem being in a group with strangers for that purpose and anyone who does needs to think hard about their priorities in life.

I'm so happy to read he is still fighting.

Still thinking of you and hand holding along this extremely difficult journey! X

Another one offering you a handhold and love to you and yours

Hoping for a miracle for you

I don't know if this helps but when a family friend I know was going through horrendous situations similar to this, she started a private blog page and everyone was given the log in details and could check in for updates and leave messages. Some days, she would write huge, pondering style messages, some days very long and detailed medical updates, some days just a few lines and then, for the more difficult posts, someone else stepped in to give the update if necessary.

Well done to you and your family, you are doing so well and are very brave. I've been through the ICU battle and I know what a strange twilight world it is.
Hang in there, you've got this.

Your mum sounds great op. Hang in there.

Great to hearing your amazing dh is still fighting. Keep the hope, things can change on an instant. Keeping everything crossed for you 🤞🏼

And how are you doing? You're probably sick of people telling you to eat, but I hope you are managing, even if it is something. Little and often; high calorie food. Nutrition matters little, just try and keep your energy up.
Thinking of you all.