Things on MN that aren’t real life (LIGHTHEARTED)

[Summersun2020]

Thing on Mumsnet that you’ve only ever encountered on Mumsnet (lighthearted...please don’t bowl in with “well I do that actually”...ignore or add one of your own!!

People not using fabric softener...appears that on MN people in their droves think it stinks and is devil juice (I don’t know anyone IRL who is so vehemently against it/gets a migraine from the smell?? Surely it’s not that strong?).

any sort of noise in your garden at any time-kids on a trampoline, playing a radio at a normal level, etc. Completely normal everywhere I’ve ever lived- a cardinal sin on MN!

Washing being "darked on", and rubbed with spiders' willies.

Nobody shits in my gold-plated toilet; not even my DH, and certainly not tradesmen, who must all remove their shoes!

The amount of people who get their toddlers to bed every night at 6 or 7 in 20 minutes including bath, pjs, teeth story It's a real mixed bag with mine sometimes I'm lucky at 30 min to an 1 hour. Currently on 3 hours tonight. Literally had to leave the room and have a break 😭

If I told my children they had "unlimited access to the fruitbowl" in between meals they would probably laugh in my face and ask where I was hiding the crisps.

The just go out and get a job when your a single mum or sahm, or the 10 quid a day thread. Literally none of those things work for my country and quite honestly I'm not sure it really works at all.

@namechangetheworld

If I told my children they had "unlimited access to the fruitbowl" in between meals they would probably laugh in my face and ask where I was hiding the crisps.

My DCs have unlimited access to the fruit bowl. Sadly they don’t take me up on my generous offer because they’re too busy shoving crisps and biscuits in their mouths. I’ve hidden my secret special chocolate under a pile of apples a few times as it I know they’ll never discover it.

Everyone goes on AT LEAST one skiing holiday a year, and their Christmas tree is taken down on candlemas. I legitimately had never heard of candlemas before coming here.

In real life if you were trying to disguise your identity when telling a story, you’d change any details that were very unusual/specific to you. On MN, people won’t even admit to living in London, being in their thirties or having long hair in case it’s ‘outing’.

All the cover-ups are so clumsy too. I remember one poster saying she was travelling to somewhere ‘Like Australia, but not Australia. Think New Zealand’. So New fucking Zealand then!

That everyone panders to their precious DC because their problems supercede everyone else's. There's one on now about a distressed DD crying because her favourite programme has ended and her favourite youtuber isn't posting! Whatever happened to ' Get over your bloody self, try being me for a week. Now, help me with the bloody washing.'?

Anyone with more than 2, at a push 3, children are insane/ bleeding the system dry/ breaking the NHS/ committing environmental crimes/ selfish.

people who get their children to bed every night at 6
I don't believe it.

Private schools and problems with their nanny or au pair (if that’s the right word)
No screen time OR sugar and they still manage a perfect 7pm bedtime routine

@redcandlelight

people who get their children to bed every night at 6 I don't believe it.

and then ask for advice how to get dc to sleep past 5am...

The "my DH would never dream of watching porn" as if they have 24/7 tabs on all their devices to be so sure.

Or "My DH would never cheat"

Or "just ask him" in response to an op being suspicious of an affair. Like their DH will say, "well actually yeah, I am cheating"

I've never know anybody in real life say they are shaking and crying

Being left 'sobbing and shaking' because someone's mask slipped below their nose for a split-second in the supermarket.

Nobody in real life would think that cheese is a valid substitute for milk in coffee.

Full-time workers who work a 9:30 to 4:30 job and whose full-time working partner has the same hours so both parents are available to have tea at 5 and both deal with the children evening and bedtime.

In real life, I genuinely don't know any family who needs 2 adults for that! 1 adult dealing with the kids is the chance for the other to get a life and exercise/have a hobby/ meet friends (possibly cycle )

Unlimited access to the fruit bowl makes me laugh

Also all the people who eat no sugar, no carbs, and feed their kids porridge made of just oats and water.

In real life people eat bread and potatoes and pizza without “gorging” or “ballooning”

MN has made me realise how many women have food issues

And yes, everyone lives rurally now ;I guess it means not in the centre of London? And everyone has extremely tall and very skinny kids (almost all kids are lanky )

@Fuckingcrustybread

Nobody in real life would think that cheese is a valid substitute for milk in coffee.

In fairness, not all MN posters would think that either

If a big company sends you so much as a pair of socks by accident, you must return them or else you are a criminal.

But children on trampolines making a noise does occur in real life and is awful.

A real MN thing is telling a woman to leave her husband because he looked at her funny twice in the last year, and left a sock on the floor last week. "I would never put up with that" etc etc....

@BabyBee93

The man hating!!! Some of it is actually quite comical and I can't help but feel sorry for the poor sods married to these women

Just think what it’s like trying to post on here

I love bar soap! I have a special dish for it

On planet MN, everybody has misphonia.

All step-mothers have a crystal ball and know exactly what they’re getting into - even when the ex wife grows an extra head and goes to court to demand that the step-mother pays to have it surgically removed. While mums struggling with non-sleeping babies or toddler tantrums had no idea how unforeseeably hard parenting would be.

MN has made me realise how many women have food issues

Honestly, I'm very surprised that you didn't realise before.

I don't know any, but I HOPE that no-one in real life is that bitter and violent towards all male, and happens to have a son. It's frightening to imagine a little boy dealing with that.

In fairness, not all MN posters would think that either grin
True, one nutter did though, it was she of the shaking and sobbing when someone came within 12 metres of her.