Things on MN that aren’t real life (LIGHTHEARTED)

[Summersun2020]

Thing on Mumsnet that you’ve only ever encountered on Mumsnet (lighthearted...please don’t bowl in with “well I do that actually”...ignore or add one of your own!!

People not using fabric softener...appears that on MN people in their droves think it stinks and is devil juice (I don’t know anyone IRL who is so vehemently against it/gets a migraine from the smell?? Surely it’s not that strong?).

any sort of noise in your garden at any time-kids on a trampoline, playing a radio at a normal level, etc. Completely normal everywhere I’ve ever lived- a cardinal sin on MN!

Zoflora. I have never seen it in IRL and don't really know what it is.

The bizarre writing style;
"I have a ...[MIL/friend/colleague/acquaintance/stepchild]. Lets call them....[letter/number/improbable name/name beginning with "a"]....

And then a statement of the "problem".

And then every time fast forward to.

It's got to the point where I've started reading them with the voice of Toast of London in my head.

Oh and also, the sheer number of things that will traumatise children. On the whole, if you are generally nice to your child, they will probably be resilient enough to ride out life's little dramas and won't be scarred/anxious/in therapy forever.

Only on Mumsnet is it ok to be really rude about and laugh at other people because they have more money/a bigger house than you.
Only on Mumsnet is it ok to insist that people don't earn high salaries or have expensive houses.
Trying to imagine it in reverse.......nope.

“Are you on glue?”

Phone an ambulance, you could die of internal bleeding! GET TO A AND E NOW!

It's:
A&E NOW!!!

@CloudPop But don't the clothes smell of vinegar?

No! Is that why people think it’s weird? The vinegar smell washes completely away and the clothes don’t smell of anything

My contribution - bothering about best before dates. Only on MN have I heard of people basing their decision on anything other than their own 5 senses when establishing whether food is ok to eat. I didn’t think anyone even looked at best before dates before I came on here!

Taking in ironing

Am loving this thread!
I can't use toilet brushes after my grandmother went into a nursing home and I was helping my mum sort out the bathroom. The toilet brush had about 2 years worth of shit in it and I thought I was going to barf. If I'm responsible for a skid mark I wipe it off with toilet paper while fresh. If it's anyone else I squirt bleach.
If I never answered the door to an unexpected caller I'd never get anything delivered. With 2 adults and 3 teens the delivery men are on first name terms with us😂
I'm also frequently annoyed by the time consuming hobbies and cries of LTB.
Also why head tilt and laugh in a tinkly manner? I find a hard stare and a 'fuck off' work far better.
Sorry. It's been a rough day😁

Yes to the bizarre, planet-destroying laundry habits. Washing your towels after each use? You are insane.
Going from 0-furious is a nanosecond and therefore 'raging', 'fuming' and 'losing it' at someone who had the temerity to say 'Good morning' without permission.
The disproportionate number of people who have seen a ghost/ alien or had an out of body experience.
Hatred of in-laws (this makes me very sad, especially when directed at fairly harmless MIL behaviour. Exhibit A: wanting a photo of your DS and DD at the DS's wedding)
People all having kitchens the size of football pitches.
Those who consider being offered instant coffee tantamount to being asked to swallow hemlock.

If I don't use fabric softener my washing smells vaguely of hamster when it dries on the washing line.

Yes I saw Take in some ironing suggested yesterday. There are a limited number of people wanting loads of ironing done in lockdown surely? Maybe the odd work shirt but we're hardly all rushing off to formal engagements in pressed outfits.

LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE
That reminds me: people who think it will be outing if they mention what their cat who died 4 years ago was called or tell you that they work in Boots.

@DrCoconut

Sorry I forgot to add one. Most people on here seem absolutely loaded with huge inheritances, massive houses, school fees, cleaners, exotic holidays etc. Most people I know live in an ordinary house, clean their own lav, qualify for TC/UC and save up for a long weekend in Skegness as a summer treat. And inherit enough to pay for the deceased's send off if they're "lucky".

I think you’re conflating a few things there... Yes most people do their own cleaning but only about 8% of people are on UC (October 2020 data) and 4% on TC (2019 data) so your view is a bit skewed too.

I've started reading them with the voice of Toast of London in my head hahaha I know exactly which threads you mean.

"My husband wore a rubbish bag instead of a suit to our wedding because his 12 year old nephew dared him to." is met with "sounds like my kind of guy" or "you sound uptight/sou sound like hard work."

"I have an overbearing neighbour" gets responses like "I had a neighbour once but he moved away. Count yourself lucky that Mr. Jones likes to watch you sleep."

Anyone not wanting to wait 5 hours in traffic because of a slow driver is impatient and clearly intolerant of any group that the person driving the slow car may belong to.

And is almost always used in an unpleasant context.

Having a strong opinion on pre school kids being in childcare. In real life people just do whatever they have to and no one else cares.

Using any kind of drugs ever means you're a junkie who will end up on the streets. Even if it's an occasion spliff.

Having a few drinks in the evening makes you're an alcoholic.

The need to always have a spare 20,000 in a secret bank account, in case you need to leave your husband!

When an OP posts something “DH is really annoying me today” and someone else posts “oh at least you have an DH, mine died and now I’m living in a cardboard box.”

I’ve never heard that kind of retort in real life.

To be fair, I did once ask the OP of a thread if they were on glue as they were clearly a troll.....

I'm a copywriter/journalist/proof reader earning six figures, at management level asking for advice about how to tell the sixteen year old weekend colleague they need to come in on time for their shift.
This person always never uses defiantly, Chester draws etc and leaves you wondering how the fuck they are employed at all, let alone as a manager.

I understand the spitting tea out shite but don't understand the howling

You howl when you're crying surely.

People who randomly tell you to fuck off. Doesn’t happen in real life in casual conversation!

Purveyors of bovine excretment

Being able to make any thread genuinely lighthearted

We'll see when this one turns into a "well it must be nice if THIS is all you have to think about".

@Shamefulcorners

Putting vinegar in your washing machine because it’s better for the environment than fabric conditioner. Okay love, course you do

^^ Um, I actually do do this! Always have, and so did my mother

Wearing pyjamas all day. Perhaps it's generational or cultural but I don't know one person in RL who wears pjs in the daytime or allows their DC to do this; have only read about it on Mumsnet.

Ditto putting up Christmas decorations in November and taking them down in February

A parent at school drops off and picks up her DC in pyjamas and dressing gown. She doesn't even bother with a coat, if it rains she uses an umbrella.

Everybody hates all the mainstream chocolate brands like Galaxy and Cadbury’s. All cheap chocolate tastes disgusting.

90% of women look younger than their age. It’s not uncommon for a middle aged women to be mistaken for a 30 year old.

A man will NEVER EVER end a relationship, unless he’s already sleeping with someone else. It doesn’t matter how unhappy he is in that relationship (or maybe men just don’t experience emotions at all).