Things on MN that aren’t real life (LIGHTHEARTED)

[Summersun2020]

Thing on Mumsnet that you’ve only ever encountered on Mumsnet (lighthearted...please don’t bowl in with “well I do that actually”...ignore or add one of your own!!

People not using fabric softener...appears that on MN people in their droves think it stinks and is devil juice (I don’t know anyone IRL who is so vehemently against it/gets a migraine from the smell?? Surely it’s not that strong?).

any sort of noise in your garden at any time-kids on a trampoline, playing a radio at a normal level, etc. Completely normal everywhere I’ve ever lived- a cardinal sin on MN!

Most of my friends put at least one of their DC in rear facing up to 4 but my younger DC is at the age where it was just becoming very common so it's much more true of the younger ones (all around 5/6/7) than the older ones (all around 8/9/10).

@Cattenberg

People who moan that they’re skint because they “only earn £60,000”.

People who have never shouted at anyone, ever.

People who have never had to force their toddler to get into their car seat/brush their teeth/leave the playground. Because they reason with them, you see.

😂😂 I am absolutely sure I know ehich one is your last point about

• Man haters. All men are just waiting to abuse you.

• SAHMs- useless mothers with no care for their children's futures

• Ovulation tests. Do people hate shagging their spouses so much they have to wait to piss on a stick to have sex. Just shag everyday!

-Men who want more sex are rapists in disguise.

• everyone lives in London or in the middle of nowhere

• Everyone works in an office, eats Pret for lunch and has a very exhausting commute

LTB for anything and everything. It's always the man's fault even though we only hear the one side of the story and they could be making up any old rubbish/over exaggerating the real truth.

You can't be a bit upset or weepy. You must be in floods of tears or crying and shaking. It is MN law.

Agree with PP about 'I calmly told him..'
And would add......'MIL proceeded to...'

Also you absolutely must anonymise people with 'Let's call them...'
No, let's not.

@Creamcrackersandricecakes

Oh yes yes to the RG uni thing. I remember being super proud of earning my degree from the OU at the age of 43. I then made the mistake of spending 20 mins reading through a thread discussing unis on here, where the OU was dismissed as 'useless' and a degree from there 'worthless'.

I'm always really impressed - I can't be arsed doing much at all when I get in from work, let alone writing essays.

Most of the S&B threads about how to dress/do your hair at X age. There is no correct hairstyle for women over 40 apparently. Whereas my friends have a mixture of hairstyles that suit them and aren't MN approved, and dress however they like and look just fine! At 40 we should all be starting to blend into the background though, whilst spending a staggering amount of money on skincare and botox (and I do buy high end skincare!).

And I have a 4x4. Don't live rurally, no kids or dogs, we don't go off-roading .
We bought because it is a big motor and we liked it.

To add to the pearly clutching, it's really old now so probably not the most environmentally friendly.

Thing on Mumsnet that you’ve only ever encountered on Mumsnet (lighthearted...please don’t bowl in with “well I do that actually”...ignore or add one of your own!!

Only on MN would people totally disregard the actual question and then feel the need to jump in to tell us that they actually do do some of these things.

These posters must be great at interviews

@WinterdiscontentGlorioussummer

Well I'm from/in another country, I believe everything on MN. That combined with Midsomer Murders and a dose of Escape to the Chateau gives me a pretty good idea.

You are a strange lot 🤣.

(The brits i know aren't much like that)

Haha

I have to say one of the first reasons I joined MN was to try and understand BRITISH people better.

And to be fair, overall it has. Including explaining the weird behaviour from my MIL about using the loo upstairs etc....

‘Gifting’ - because everyone uses this word and no one thinks you’re pretentious and trying too hard. Bonus points if the only things you ‘gift’ are delicious lovely homemade sugar free ‘bakes’, lovingly infected by your three snotty toddlers.

I’m going to make sure my child’s teacher looses her job because she looked at my precious little numpty wrong.

Tarquinius, Xanthe, Ottily, Persephone, and Sixtus are all embarrassingly COMMON names, I’m cringing for you OP.

If you dare to go to the supermarket you are unbelievably selfish, a covid denier, and committing an act of literal and actual violence on the clinically vulnerable

I find the expectation to plan for a life you don’t have, but could have if you changed literally everything about yourself, very odd. I see it particularly in relation to non-drivers. “It’s all very well not being able to drive if you live in central London, but what would you do if you moved to a tiny village in rural Lanarkshire with no public transport? ” Well just as a mad, off the wall guess, you either wouldn’t move somewhere like that because, you know, you can’t drive - or, if you were particularly desperate to move there, you’d learn. I notice no one ever asks people who live rurally if they know where to change between the Northern and Metropolitan Lines - after all, what would they do if they lived in London?

I also find it bizarre how many people on MN employ cleaners, but would never do anything as outrageous as ask them to actually clean. Nothing more than light dusting, and for that they get a better hourly rate than the MNer themselves earns, plus three times their usual rate at Christmas, plus a bonus and a lovely, thoughtful present. Also, if anyone actually uses the phrase ‘employing a cleaner’, they will be haughtily asked if they pay NI, pension contributions and holiday pay - because if not, they are a mere ‘client’ who is incredibly lucky said cleaner has deigned to add them to their roster. (Even though a chimp could work out what you meant by ‘employing’).

Another weird MN trait is the assumption that everyone must lead the sort of life you do. The door answering debate is a classic example. I completely get that there are people who live in close-knit communities where neighbours regularly pop around unannounced - and if you like that, fine; crack on. But is it really that hard to understand that there are people like me who don’t have friends and family on the doorstep, and know that an unexpected caller is likely to be an unwanted one? If I can understand that not everyone lives like that, why do so many people roll their eyes and say “Only on MN! In real life everyone answers the door”.

If you dare to go to the supermarket you are unbelievably selfish, a covid denier, and committing an act of literal and actual violence on the clinically vulnerable

Haha yes!

See also: "Just because you're a nurse with 5 kids and a mum with dementia and a husband who works three jobs and only has one leg doesn't mean you're entitled to a support bubble! I'm sorry but the rules are quite clear!".

Another one is never complaining about the cost of school uniform/school trips or anything child related.
You should have saved (from your 100k salary of course) enough to cover all school uniform, holiday childcare, school trips and still be sufficient in any eventuality (including but not limited to illness, disability, bereavement, redundancy, recessions, pandemics etc)

I've never seen anyone spit their tea out over their keyboard in a fit of hilarity....... thankfully

@cherrypie790

...but have you heard them howl?

All MiLs/PiLs are horrible, toxic narcissists.

@GravityFalls

Nobody uses a jar sauce unless it's as a terribly guilty secret because they have 100 children and came out of hospital 20 minutes ago, and then accompanied with lots of faces.

I don't know anyone who makes curry from scratch as a weekday meal - sling a jar of Sharwoods on it and it's good!

Never, ever, Pateks is far superior!

Everyone's husband has a terribly important job , makes loads of money and travels a lot. They also all have time to have very mysterious yet outing hobbies too.

Competitive underfeeding children

Everyone is a size 6/8 and are disgusted by fat people

No one ever uses swear words especially in front of their little darlings

Everyone's kids are well behaved, tall , goodlooking and top of the class

The man hating!!! Some of it is actually quite comical and I can't help but feel sorry for the poor sods married to these women

hate fabric softener, it gives me headaches and makes me want to vom

The what’s for dinner threads are always hilarious, everything is home made, home grown, cooked from scratch and enough to stock the freezer for a year. Always a huge salad
Everyone in the house doing their own laundry since the age of 8. You’d have a half empty washing machine on 3 times a day.

And the ‘I’d send a polite note saying

The chicken! I made a roast dinner but by the time I was done I just wasn’t feeling like it so just my two teenagers ate, went to strip the chicken half an hour later and every single bit of meat on it had already been devoured!

You went to the garden centre? You MONSTER! Don't you know we are in a global [sic] pandemic?

You swatted a wasp? You're the devil incarnate. Get thee tae fuckery.

I don't know anybody in real life who calls their evening meal 'supper' 🤣

Although, I am definitely working class. Not the type mentioned in a pp who say they come from humble beginnings as their grandparents had working class jobs.

@FrankButchersDickieBow

I don't know anybody in real life who calls their evening meal 'supper' 🤣

Although, I am definitely working class. Not the type mentioned in a pp who say they come from humble beginnings as their grandparents had working class jobs.

@FrankButchersDickieBow me either- supper is buttery toast and a brew eaten before bedtime!

Everyone has a massive great house which they have to mention the cost of also a massive great salary which they have to shoehorn in even if it's not relevant to the thread
Nobody cares.
Everyone is teeny tiny with a small arse and weighs 5 stone

no-one packs their kids lunchboxes with a jam sandwich, packet of crisps and a chocolate bar.

cereal is the devils food and shouldn't be eaten

teenagers who dont immediately get a job at 18 and contribute to the household must be kicked out.

You're ridiculous if you get upset that your DH didn't do anything for you for mothers day because you're 'not his mother'