Using key worker place for adopted child

[twoblueskies]

Just wanting thoughts and opinions . I have two children youngest age six is adopted . She struggle with friendships and separating from me was awful for years but before COVID she started to settle , then came lockdown and she was home with us . When schools reopened she went back and after a difficult return she settled again and was really enjoying friendships and doing really well and so proud of herself . Now we are back to lockdown I’m aware that we can technically request a school place for her . I don’t work ( I gave up work when we realised that youngest needed more continuity than we could give with me working ) so I can homeschool far easier than most , but I hate to think she is going to slip back again but I know places are scarce and feel uncomfortable taking a place from a keyworker family . Thoughts please

@jessstan1

The fact that she is adopted is irrelevant, she is your daughter. If you are entitled to or can get a keyworker's place and you think that is the best thing for her, do so.

It’s not irrelevant, though — it’s the reason the OP’s daughter is classed as ‘vulnerable’ and entitled to a school place even though the OP doesn’t work and could homeschool if thought it best.

I suppose that's possible if she was adopted when she was maybe four years old with a history of unstable homes. I've never heard of children adopted as little babies being classed as vulnerable just because they have been adopted. They may be vulnerable for other reasons.

@jessstan1

I suppose that's possible if she was adopted when she was maybe four years old with a history of unstable homes. I've never heard of children adopted as little babies being classed as vulnerable just because they have been adopted. They may be vulnerable for other reasons.

Please read the thread and see responses to the two other posters who were similarly ill-informed about adoption. What you have or haven’t heard of makes no difference to the OP’s daughter’s eligibility to continue to attend school now.

@jessstan1

I suppose that's possible if she was adopted when she was maybe four years old with a history of unstable homes. I've never heard of children adopted as little babies being classed as vulnerable just because they have been adopted. They may be vulnerable for other reasons.

@jessstan1

Do you have professional or personal involvement with adopters and adoptees? It is well known that pre birth and early traumatic separation can impact upon a child long term. Children in this country are not removed for spurious reasons, so their early life may have been very challenging even if they don’t remember it.

@jessstan1

I suppose that's possible if she was adopted when she was maybe four years old with a history of unstable homes. I've never heard of children adopted as little babies being classed as vulnerable just because they have been adopted. They may be vulnerable for other reasons.

My child came to me at two weeks old. She suffered significant in utero trauma, was in special care for 2 weeks and has had a loving home with me ever since. Adoption isn't a magic wand that wipes away early trauma, no matter what age the child was adopted. Seriously, educate yourself. My child has only ever lived with me, yet has significant emotional and attachment needs resulting from her early trauma. And she too will be taking up her school place as she is a vulnerable child, and defined as one for a good reason. Op please send your child to school if you want to.

She should count as vulnerable as adopted children do when allocating places for reception and secondary.

Check with school

Op if it works for her then let her go. Specially if school said this is okay
Your doing it for her and her well-being
That's the right choice for you, your not taking a place out of laziness or selfishness it's out of need for your little girl and she has every right to that
Xx

@RoseMartha

She should count as vulnerable as adopted children do when allocating places for reception and secondary.

Check with school

I never knew that! I was an adopted child and there was nothing special about me being allocated a place at any school, same with friends of mine who adopted two children (mind you there was no pandemic then).

Haenow: Do you have professional or personal involvement with adopters and adoptees? It is well known that pre birth and early traumatic separation can impact upon a child long term. Children in this country are not removed for spurious reasons, so their early life may have been very challenging even if they don’t remember it.
.....
I do 'get' that Haenow. 100%! I was adopted myself. However it was played down quite a bit in my day and certainly the school never made any reference to my adoption, not to any other adopted child. When I started school at 4 I was quite happy really. Later on I ran into difficulties and was more aware of primal wounds.

All children are different.

@jessstan1

my son is 16, I absolutely used his status as an adopted child to ensure he got a place at the school I wanted for him.
He never knew, there was no reason to tell him,. I just told him I chose the best school for him, which is the truth and all he needed to know.
Maybe your parents didnt think you needed to know either

Is send her op. You think it's what she needs, the school can facilitate that. Do your bit by sticking to the lockdown rules so she's going in as safe as she can be.

I never knew that! I was an adopted child and there was nothing special about me being allocated a place at any school, same with friends of mine who adopted two children (mind you there was no pandemic then).
When schools allocate places (or the council at least) first priority is to "looked after children", then usually children with an EHCP that stipulates a school, then siblings, then other children.

[quote Ted27]@jessstan1

my son is 16, I absolutely used his status as an adopted child to ensure he got a place at the school I wanted for him.
He never knew, there was no reason to tell him,. I just told him I chose the best school for him, which is the truth and all he needed to know.
Maybe your parents didnt think you needed to know either[/quote]
Maybe. They always told me not to tell anyone I was adopted, it was a taboo subject, never discussed with me. Anyway none of that matters now.

I didn't want to turn this thread into one about adoption and particularly not about me :-). I'm really not very interesting.

Of course the op must do what is right for her daughter and I hope she achieves that.

I'm an HLTA in a mainstream school.

I worked with the vulnerable group from April to July while the main schools were off. We only had them for two days per week and we had plenty of volunteers to work with them.

The group ended up being those with self-harm issues, neglect issues and some sibling groups in foster care settings. They were some of the most difficult kids to handle in school, but those sessions over lockdown were brilliant for them and for us.

We did 'fun' stuff, games and sports with a little bit of education thrown in. We built relationships and got to know them so much better than we could in a school day, relationships which lasted after we returned to school. They didn't feel the need to fight authority and we didn't have the need to apply any.
For the pupils with attachment issues, this was a good time to develop some coping skills and get some 1-1 time with compassionate adults.

Don't underestimate how much value there is for an anxious child in being in school when it's not busy and when the staff aren't under the same pressure to manage so many personalities and so much noise. I would consider the times we had as a therapy, and for those pupils, possibly more valuable than days of formal lessons.

Update
Having a chat with headteacher we both agreed that she would benefit from being in school and not the disruption of being at home . Sending her is not an easy option , and I do still have a stressed teenager at home . I really feel for working parents , this is an awful situation with no winners . To those questioning her vulnerability all I can say is yes she is in a secure loving family now but she was taken from a birth parent who had proven record for not being a capable parent , she was then fostered until 11 months with a loving foster family where the attachment bond was very strong and came to us as an 11 month old who rejected any comfort or affection from us as we were strangers . She was very rejecting of us for nearly 2 years. Now she is bright and lovely with us aged 6 but doesn't trust others and her sense of rejection is strong , teachers leaving to go on maternity leave or for new jobs has been a big issue with her pattern of rejecting the replacement teacher ongoing . So yes continuity and supporting her through life challenges is ongoing and I hope those that doubt being adopted as a vulnerability can now see why it is .
When I told her she was going back to school she was very happy which confirmed I have done the right thing for her .
Thankyou for opinions and support and I hope this all changes for the better for us all soon .

Twoblueskies: That's marvellous news. I cried when I read what your little girl had been through as a baby.

I hope this all changes for the better for us all soon .
Yes!

two

I'm.glad you have been able to decide and the teachers have been helpful in making the decision. I hope she enjoys being back and I hope you can stop feeling bad about taking up a spot which is rightfully hers regardless of what any one else thinks

but I hate to think she is going to slip back again

And social services, school etc. are aware of this, which is precisely why adopted and looked-after children are being offered school places if they need them - because it is highly likely they will need them.

Take the place if you feel your daughter will benefit from it (and it sounds as like she will) and don't feel guilty about it.

Oops - cross post. That what comes of trying to post in slow-time while looking after dog and small boy...

Glad you've taken the place.

@twoblueskies glad you have taken up the place. Your DD's early life mirrors my DS's exactly. He was two before I could go into his room at night without him screaming in fear because I want his foster cater. He is much better now but when he was much younger I even dreaded him making friends on holiday as when the holiday came to an end he would grieve terribly for his little holiday buddies and it would spark all sorts of emotionless and behaviour issues.

Angelswithsilverwings . I'm glad to hear your little boy is doing much better , it's painful isn't it , to watch when they grieve x

But her going to school is going to be nothing like normal school. The kids are still learning remotely and have an adult supervising (usually not their teacher). They aren't having any more fun really than someone doing home learning. It is so far from being a normal school experience.

@twoblueskies he's not so little anymore! 15 and 6ft 4. It's so strange but the last lockdown and school closure was the making of him. He felt safe and in control of his life for the first time in years. His mental health issues just seem to vanish thanks to mornings spent studying and afternoons free to spend mountain biking ( once it was allowed!)

He went back to school in September a completely different and more confident child. Just shows you that no child is the same. Each one will have a different response to this pandemic. Watch this space re this lockdown - much more difficult in the winter months and with GCSEs looming in 2022 the pressure this time is different.

@Bluesername

You won't be using someone else's place, it will be your DD's place. If you feel it's best for her, don't hesitate to accept the place.

This. You can use her place, she needs it.

“But her going to school is going to be nothing like normal school. The kids are still learning remotely and have an adult supervising (usually not their teacher). They aren't having any more fun really than someone doing home learning. It is so far from being a normal school experience.”

Not universally true. My child has a place due to SEN - usual teacher, usual classroom, usual timetable, just fewer kids so they’re more spread out. They’ll be doing the same learning as kids at home though, yes.