What would you think to see a fellow mum in the foodbank

[PodgeBod]

Just wondering. We have really suffered recently and I'm considering taking food from the local food banks. I can afford food but cannot afford even second hand winter clothing. It has become a delicate balancing act. Should I buy a hat, gloves and scarf set for my 3 kids or a weeks worth of shopping? Socks or bread? I'm so embarrassed but at the point where we cannot go on without help. But terrified a local mum will see us and spread it as gossip.

I wouldn’t tell anyone and wouldn’t judge at all. I would never of judged before but in 2020 more people than ever have needed to use foodbanks. I expect most people know someone who has, a friend of mine was embarrassed to ‘admit’ it but hasn’t changed how I look at her, I was able to help her a little bit with a few things and nothing has changed

I would think that like so many people you have been dealt a horrible hand and are going through a really rough patch. These resources are there to help you for as long as you need them and there is absolutely nothing shameful or embarrassing about feeding and clothing your children. Please don't worry; nobody is ever in a place to judge but anyone working there will be more than understanding of your situation.

It's worth reaching out to the services local to you and expressing your concerns. I suspect some may arrange deliveries etc., especially given the Covid situation, so that may help alleviate your concerns about being seen etc.

Why would decent people judge you? Misfortune can happen to anyone. Someone who judges you isn't worth the energy.

I would probably come over and say hi.

There was a programme on earlier today about Marcus Rashford, it's very worthwhile watching it because his mother and him talk about how she was a struggling single mother and struggled to feed him. He is raising the profile of child poverty which can only be a good thing.

Our local area also has a 'free fridge'. It's where local shops send their fresh produce that is over it's sell by date. Lots of fresh vegetables, bread, cake etc. They are open to all as it's about avoiding food waste.

Generally if someone is in a food bank they will either be using it themselves, or be a key volunteer (thus hopefully very understanding). Food banks can get busy but it's well organised (especially in covid times!) and everyone is there because they believe in food banks and what they offer

There has been a real push towards recognition of food banks so I think (as someone that volunteered in one) there is much less stigma now. People no longer see it as a soup kitchen type deal, but more as a safety net. Food banks are no longer seen as just a certain type of person with all the talk of people like nurses using them.

No one who has a shred of humanity would judge a person for going to a food bank when needed, and in terms of gossip then most groups would judge the gossiper! Usage of food banks is much more common then one might think

On a practical note, do you know how to access your food bank? I believe some are drop in but My local one does require a voucher from certain people/services.

You mean another Mom working there or also using it?

Either way, please go and use it. Your kids need what they need, the help is there for you. Anyone who spreads gossip or judges you really isn't worth your time

A mum?

Why not a dad?

Especially right now, I would assume you are facing tough times and doing the best for your family.

You might be surprised how many seemingly perfect families struggle financially from time to time.

I'd be glad that someone I knew had the strength to access the foodbank and understood they exist to support people in need.

If I knew you to talk to, I might talk to you some other time and ask if there was anything you needed for you/your children e.g. extra layers, or if you'd let me buy some fruit/veg/cereal to top up your stocks. In fact, I do know someone who has had a hideous year and has needed to use a local foodbank. We chatted about it and she shared that her teenagers had been over the moon when fresh berries were in the parcel one week. She felt awful that something they'd never wanted for previously had become such an event. Via a local organisation I was able to secure her a full Christmas dinner shop including turkey, vegetables, desserts, trimmings but also biscuits, breakfast cereals, hot chocolate etc. and she was told about it at the start of December. I know it's not Christmas hamper time so much now but no one will want you and your children to go hungry or to be cold. Please use the foodbank, let your children's school know you're struggling and if you're in SE London, let me know - I have links with a few organisations that may be able to help.

If anyone saw you they’d be either a volunteer or a fellow user. No decent person would judge - apart from anything else more people than ever have had to use food banks this year.

Please do give them a ring and sort out how you can start accessing it. You should not have to choose between warm clothes and food.

Hope 2021 treats you alright.

I'd invite them for dinner

@BrandyandDeath and thats all you could pick from the OP 🙄

Please go to the food bank. Noone will judge.

What area do you live in? Is shops like primark open? Gloves, hat, scarf are very cheap. Otherwise, Asda is fairly cheap too

Slightly off topic, but if you haven't already I'd encourage you to let your children's school know that you're struggling financially. I'm a teacher and during the last lockdown we helped out parents with access to food banks, second hand clothing and some grant applications. We're an SEN school, which does allow us to do a bit more because of the smaller class sizes, but I'd say it's still worth getting in touch and asking if they can help or signpost to good local charities.

Most food banks, you need to be referred, rather than just turn up, though you might be able to find something like a community fridge which is open to anyone.

Our church food bank also has clothes, so you may be able to get both.

Wouldn't judge at all. I've had to use food banks myself in the past.
Also please google 'free clothing banks near me'. You might be able to find somewhere that could supply you with some winter clothes.

Please feel no shame at all, and if anyone does see you and gossip they are the only ones should feel ashamed and I hope that anyone hearing that would quietly point out it could happen to any of us.
Right now I am lucky enough to be one who can afford to give to food banks, and I do so hoping that it makes a difference to someone who is not currently in that position, as do many others. I hope that things get better for you soon, and please accept what help you can get until then. You are a lovely mum for considering what is best for your little ones x

People may judge, why is she buying x, y, z when she’s getting help from a food bank...

Those with even the tiniest bit of compassion, or experience, will know getting foodbank help means money saved on food can mean an hour or more of money can be spent on heat, light or even care for yourself or an unexpected gift for a child of whatever age.

If you need help, ask, and if that help is more than you need, pass it on, not one single person I ever knew died of too much help or love or care.

We live with/excuse so much hate or indifference, when even the smallest amount of love could change the world.

I'd judge anyone who 'gossiped' about it.

Freecycle might be good for winter things. I've given away lots of stuff on there in good condition simply because my boys outgrew them.

I'm a mum, and if I saw you I honestly wouldn't say anything, anyone spreading gossip would be an utter dick and not worth headspace.

@BrandyandDeath

A mum?

Why not a dad?

I took it as the OP is a mum considering using a foodbank which is why she said mum? If so, why would she say Dad if she isn't one?!

If she is she is there the same as you. Don't worry about it.

If it helps at all OP I once saw a colleague in the clap clinic waiting room we both did the "oh crikey this is awkward" thing, laughed it off and never spoke of it again

Was just about to suggest putting in a Wanted request for warm clothing on Freecycle..I know our local branch has decided to stay open even though we're in Tier 4. Always worth asking.

I haven't approached local charities for help because I have worked for them and I am too ashamed to admit I'm struggling because I don't want to have to go cap in hand to people who don't know me very well but know me enough, we love in a small community where everybody knows each other.
it's a ridiculous quandary, I look like we're doing OK but we're not and ii don't want to be thought of as a fake.